The causalities of war

The beat that drums within my breast,inspires me- lifts me - opens me to a world of feeling and thought.

I literally have a soundtrack to my life. At any given life event, I could tell you what I was listening and dancing to. Music has entwined itself to my state of conscience, so much that we are one. In moments of great joy and sadness music comes to the fore - it flashes through me as means of expression as what I am really feeling. 

There has been some surprise discoveries this past year - the biggest being when I went to my husbands place of work, to take a good look at his mistress, the soundtrack was " A little less conversation" by Elvis Presley. I couldn't believe, but that is my "I am about to kick your ass" track. I discovered Adele (who at first I HATED because she liked it and I thought she was sending my husband messages through songs) - but the lyrics caught my heart and I decided it wasn't Adele's fault that even ho's like her music.

And just like I have had music hero's that have comforted me, I have some of my most beloved soldiers die out in the field. I can't bear listening to Jill Scott anymore. I have always associated my husband with "He loves me" - its a beautifully written and heartfelt song about how I felt about my husband and now...now its just absurd. To listen to it now, feels as if I left my raw heart open to flayed. I can't bear it. I deleted all her music. I just can't see myself ever listening to her again. It reminds me to much of how much I loved him, while he was loving some one else...

Another is Michael Buble - Michael was the romantic soundtrack of our lives. My husband took me to his concert once and " L.O.V.E" was our wedding song.  Since then I have found out that, the concert was shortly after his first affair with a co-worker (he denies he bought the tickets because he felt guilty...I don't believe him) - looking back at our wedding song, thinking that for that whole year he was sleeping around and picking women up, just makes a joke of it. I can't separate him tearing up at our wedding to this track, while knowing that he betrayed me over and over again.  Now its Christmas time and I see promotions for Michaels new Christmas CD and my stomach rolls. I hope he doesn't try and buy me the CD to make me happy, because I'm gonna have to tell him - that I don't ever want to listen his music ever again.

I loved them both, but they gotta go. The killing fields of marriage is littered with my love, hopes and dreams. I don't know if I will miss them, but c'est le vie - the soundtrack to my life will go on.