Wednesday 29 August 2012
truth#4 about infidelity
Your weight matters. It shouldn't, but it does. There are women and men out there, who make sport of finding married people to have affairs with. We have partners who are looking for next available person. Look after yourself and give your partner something to be proud of.
A wife picking up weight, is not an excuse for a man to cheat - but just because its not rational, doesn't mean its not real.
A wife picking up weight, is not an excuse for a man to cheat - but just because its not rational, doesn't mean its not real.
My song
The other day, I read a post about a woman who shared that she knew her husband was sending red roses to another woman. She made mention that there once was a time when he did the same for her, but she told him that it takes no effort to do it and basically derided his attempt...and now he sends red roses to someone else.
When husband and I started dating, he was sweet. The hip hop princess I was, often teased him and scoffed at his attempt at romance. I remember once on a valentines day, he sang me a song. One in a million from Basson. I no idea who that even was...I laughed at him and said it was corny. He never sang for me again, no matter how often I apologised through the years. This weekend I heard the song again while watching Miss Congeniality. I had bittersweet realisation that thats the only song of us,that hasn't been polluted by his addiction. It was before all of this...when his heart of mine and pure. I was sad that I had not treasured it enough at the time, but I am glad that I finally have a song to call my own.
It seems that some of the words were prophetic, for what we would encounter - but now nesteled between skank anansie, eva cassidy and Israel Houghton is this one track on my playlist and I play it to remind myself of a time when we were in love and so sure that nothing would part us.
Here are the lyrics:
Your one in a million
Oh
Now
Your one in a million
Oh
Sometimes love can hit you everyday
Sometimes you can fall for everyone you see
But only one can really make me stay
A sign
From the sky
Said to me
[Chorus]
You're one in a million
You're once in a lifetime
You made me discover one of the stars above us
You're one in a million
You're once in a lifetime
You made me discover one of the stars above us
I've been looking for that special one
And I've been searching for someone to give my love
And when I thought that all the hope was gone
You smiled, there you were, and I was gone
I always will remember how I felt that day
A feeling indescribable to me
Yeah
I always knew there was an answer for my prayer
And you, you're the one, the one for me
[Chorus]
You're one in a million
(ooooooooooooooo)
You made me discover one of the stars above us
(ooooooooooooooo)
You're one in a million
(ooooooooooooooo)
You made me discover one of the stars above us
In the beginning I was cool and everything was possible
they tried to catch me but it wasn't possible
No one could hurt me it was my game
Until I met you baby and we're the same
And when you didn't want me, I wanted you
Because the finer thing about it was I like the show
I like it when its difficult, I like it when its hard
and You know it's worth it ,that you found your heart
wooooooooo
woooooo
woooooOOOOooo
woooo
woooo
[Chorus x2]
You're one in a million
OOOOOOh
oooooooooo
You're one in a millïon
When husband and I started dating, he was sweet. The hip hop princess I was, often teased him and scoffed at his attempt at romance. I remember once on a valentines day, he sang me a song. One in a million from Basson. I no idea who that even was...I laughed at him and said it was corny. He never sang for me again, no matter how often I apologised through the years. This weekend I heard the song again while watching Miss Congeniality. I had bittersweet realisation that thats the only song of us,that hasn't been polluted by his addiction. It was before all of this...when his heart of mine and pure. I was sad that I had not treasured it enough at the time, but I am glad that I finally have a song to call my own.
It seems that some of the words were prophetic, for what we would encounter - but now nesteled between skank anansie, eva cassidy and Israel Houghton is this one track on my playlist and I play it to remind myself of a time when we were in love and so sure that nothing would part us.
Here are the lyrics:
One a million
Your one in a million
Oh
Now
Your one in a million
Oh
Sometimes love can hit you everyday
Sometimes you can fall for everyone you see
But only one can really make me stay
A sign
From the sky
Said to me
[Chorus]
You're one in a million
You're once in a lifetime
You made me discover one of the stars above us
You're one in a million
You're once in a lifetime
You made me discover one of the stars above us
I've been looking for that special one
And I've been searching for someone to give my love
And when I thought that all the hope was gone
You smiled, there you were, and I was gone
I always will remember how I felt that day
A feeling indescribable to me
Yeah
I always knew there was an answer for my prayer
And you, you're the one, the one for me
[Chorus]
You're one in a million
(ooooooooooooooo)
You made me discover one of the stars above us
(ooooooooooooooo)
You're one in a million
(ooooooooooooooo)
You made me discover one of the stars above us
In the beginning I was cool and everything was possible
they tried to catch me but it wasn't possible
No one could hurt me it was my game
Until I met you baby and we're the same
And when you didn't want me, I wanted you
Because the finer thing about it was I like the show
I like it when its difficult, I like it when its hard
and You know it's worth it ,that you found your heart
wooooooooo
woooooo
woooooOOOOooo
woooo
woooo
[Chorus x2]
You're one in a million
OOOOOOh
oooooooooo
You're one in a millïon
Thursday 23 August 2012
Everything must change
This week I heard, that we didn't get a big proposal. It means that past December, we have no idea what will happen. Last year I was retrenched and rehired and I can't do it again. So I am looking for other jobs..but here is the thing
I don't want to settle. I don't want to have a job, I want a career. I want to feel good about what I am doing and proud of the contribution I am making in society---but because of the time, all I see is jobs and not careers. I would give my all, if I could get a job at the UN or work with a global agency that address woman and child empowerment and development. I want to move forward and not back...even though its come about in a crappy way, this is opportunity for me to rise up and seize something amazing and wonderful - but the life of me, I can't find it.
If I don't find an extension of my career, I will have to settle for a job because bills still need to be paid.
At times like this, I wish I could get a career in a foreign land - new surroundings, new people. I am open to universe and I am ready to learn, but please, please just don't take me backwards...
I don't want to settle. I don't want to have a job, I want a career. I want to feel good about what I am doing and proud of the contribution I am making in society---but because of the time, all I see is jobs and not careers. I would give my all, if I could get a job at the UN or work with a global agency that address woman and child empowerment and development. I want to move forward and not back...even though its come about in a crappy way, this is opportunity for me to rise up and seize something amazing and wonderful - but the life of me, I can't find it.
If I don't find an extension of my career, I will have to settle for a job because bills still need to be paid.
At times like this, I wish I could get a career in a foreign land - new surroundings, new people. I am open to universe and I am ready to learn, but please, please just don't take me backwards...
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Moments of assholedom
When he was steeped in his addiction - emotionally he was absent and this meant that sometimes he acted like a complete asshole. Right now, his trying to find healthy coping mechanisms for his frustation and anger and porn used to be his to go to feel better remedy. But every now and then, he acts like a complete jerk.
So last night, I made dinner - which I don't do often as he generally cooks. I make curry and decided to add vegetables on the side. He lost it. He sulked and told me that I ruined his meal, like a child he seperated the veggies and meat so it wouldn't touch other and after he was done eating the curry, he threw away the veggies in the bin.
I threw a fit of note!! Before I would have been so hurt and upset, I would have cried and wondered whats wrong with him. But this time, I realised that I have given him to much power by excusing inexcusable behaviour. I have been to soft for to long and its time to grow a set. So the two of us sat down for a "little chat" about his absolute disrepect for me. OH MY WORD people, I have never heard a grown man sound like such a belligerent brat before. "But I didn't like it", "I didn't like the texture" blah blah...so I ran through a couple of experiential exercises with him and I think he finally got the point.But its got me thinking...
I am starting to think that he has a serious problem with empathy. He struggles to relate to other people and how his actions will have impact on people. He is totally absorbed into himself. Is this a consequence of his addiction - his inability to connect and care about other people or perhaps better put, has it resulted in his inability to put others in front of himself?
Its such a foreign concept to me - I have chosen to live a life of being in service to others - how do you get to be the kind of person he is? I blame his dad...but I blame him more. We can choose to be different. We can choose to change.
I am glad his in recovery, but that doesn't mean its enough for me to stay. We all have our bad days - but if his way of being is to be asshole, I choose not to play the bitch or the victim. I would rather be alone and happy than married and miserable.
So last night, I made dinner - which I don't do often as he generally cooks. I make curry and decided to add vegetables on the side. He lost it. He sulked and told me that I ruined his meal, like a child he seperated the veggies and meat so it wouldn't touch other and after he was done eating the curry, he threw away the veggies in the bin.
I threw a fit of note!! Before I would have been so hurt and upset, I would have cried and wondered whats wrong with him. But this time, I realised that I have given him to much power by excusing inexcusable behaviour. I have been to soft for to long and its time to grow a set. So the two of us sat down for a "little chat" about his absolute disrepect for me. OH MY WORD people, I have never heard a grown man sound like such a belligerent brat before. "But I didn't like it", "I didn't like the texture" blah blah...so I ran through a couple of experiential exercises with him and I think he finally got the point.But its got me thinking...
I am starting to think that he has a serious problem with empathy. He struggles to relate to other people and how his actions will have impact on people. He is totally absorbed into himself. Is this a consequence of his addiction - his inability to connect and care about other people or perhaps better put, has it resulted in his inability to put others in front of himself?
Its such a foreign concept to me - I have chosen to live a life of being in service to others - how do you get to be the kind of person he is? I blame his dad...but I blame him more. We can choose to be different. We can choose to change.
I am glad his in recovery, but that doesn't mean its enough for me to stay. We all have our bad days - but if his way of being is to be asshole, I choose not to play the bitch or the victim. I would rather be alone and happy than married and miserable.
Tuesday 21 August 2012
112kgs
I wiped the sleep from my eyes, wondered if I should take my pajamas off in case it impacted on the weight...I decided that was stupid, since I was leggings LOL
So, I closed the bathroom door, got onto the scale and watched the numbers climb. 112kgs. Noone, I feel tired and moody all the time. I may as well be pregnant.
Yesterday was tough. I realised that a woman in the office was gossiping about me. Unfortunately, we seem to be on opposites sides of the personality spectrum. My natural inclination is Miss Sunshine. I am the woman, who will bring you a cup of coffee and tell you that your hair looks great! She on the other hand, seems to thrive off complaining about EVERYTHING. I feel my mojo just slipping away whenever she is near, so I have tried to stay away from her - but its almost impossible because I am mid-management. On top of that, I lost it with my husband working late and all I wanted to do was eat. Sooo clearly eating is part of my stress response. But what is stressing me out?
1. I feel lonely. I feel lonely in my marriage, even though its better than it was before. I still have this sense, that I am the one who has to pull everything together. I feel lonely at work, because I don't fit in anywhere. I am not part of senior management and I am not part of the general office pool. I am the only one in a mid level position and I feel like I have noone to talk to.
2. Eating makes me feel better for a little while. Not only does it flood me with feel good feelings, but when I am eating I don't think about how crappy my life has become.
3. I am not disciplined enough. I could be, but I am lazy. The power is mine to choose whether I want to be different. I need to committ long enough for my health to become a habit instead of a project, even though it clearly needs to start out that way. I need to be healthy, it shouldn't be an option.
So ja, this week - I am committing to not eating tons of junk food and chips. I think I will go back to my 5 days great and 2 days reward routine. Often I worked so hard during the week, that I couldn't face being gluttonous over a weekend. Cool...lets see how it goes.
I wonder if this is what our porn addict partners go through?
So, I closed the bathroom door, got onto the scale and watched the numbers climb. 112kgs. Noone, I feel tired and moody all the time. I may as well be pregnant.
Yesterday was tough. I realised that a woman in the office was gossiping about me. Unfortunately, we seem to be on opposites sides of the personality spectrum. My natural inclination is Miss Sunshine. I am the woman, who will bring you a cup of coffee and tell you that your hair looks great! She on the other hand, seems to thrive off complaining about EVERYTHING. I feel my mojo just slipping away whenever she is near, so I have tried to stay away from her - but its almost impossible because I am mid-management. On top of that, I lost it with my husband working late and all I wanted to do was eat. Sooo clearly eating is part of my stress response. But what is stressing me out?
1. I feel lonely. I feel lonely in my marriage, even though its better than it was before. I still have this sense, that I am the one who has to pull everything together. I feel lonely at work, because I don't fit in anywhere. I am not part of senior management and I am not part of the general office pool. I am the only one in a mid level position and I feel like I have noone to talk to.
2. Eating makes me feel better for a little while. Not only does it flood me with feel good feelings, but when I am eating I don't think about how crappy my life has become.
3. I am not disciplined enough. I could be, but I am lazy. The power is mine to choose whether I want to be different. I need to committ long enough for my health to become a habit instead of a project, even though it clearly needs to start out that way. I need to be healthy, it shouldn't be an option.
So ja, this week - I am committing to not eating tons of junk food and chips. I think I will go back to my 5 days great and 2 days reward routine. Often I worked so hard during the week, that I couldn't face being gluttonous over a weekend. Cool...lets see how it goes.
I wonder if this is what our porn addict partners go through?
Monday 20 August 2012
Working late
There is very little these days that will get the same widly pissed off immediate emotional response, then the phrase " I need to work late".
About an hour ago, he tells me that his so upset about it and his sorry but his boss just told him that he needed to finish fixing a laptop before he goes home. Maybe its true...or maybe his fucking some tramp.
I am so tense, my shoulder muscles are hurting. Is he working or isn't he? 2 years ago I would have applauded him for his work ethic, but all I want to do now is to scream at him to leave. To bugger off...all because I can't trust him. Its taken over my being and I can't even focus, so instead of working - I am blogging instead. Maybe it will help to left off more steam...
I will never forget what happened with the latest slut he tried to sleep with. Heavily pregnant, I was at home and tired. I called him to ask him how his day was going. He was non-committal...but made a point of telling me that he would need to stay late for his staff party. That he didn't really want to go, but boss was going to be there and he had to. That night my husband spent the night chatting up some girl who he had just finished high school. He says nothing happened...I don't believe him.
So now here we are...working late again and I just want fucking take a lamp to his head...possibly burn his shit down and tell him to move out.
I know he doesn't have to wait for after hours to cheat and he has proven himself quite adept and targeting the office ho during office hours...but still...I know its the illusion of control, but I cling to his work hours...that he works between 8-4 and thats it.
How do other women do this? How do manage a marriage, when you can't trust your partner?
About an hour ago, he tells me that his so upset about it and his sorry but his boss just told him that he needed to finish fixing a laptop before he goes home. Maybe its true...or maybe his fucking some tramp.
I am so tense, my shoulder muscles are hurting. Is he working or isn't he? 2 years ago I would have applauded him for his work ethic, but all I want to do now is to scream at him to leave. To bugger off...all because I can't trust him. Its taken over my being and I can't even focus, so instead of working - I am blogging instead. Maybe it will help to left off more steam...
I will never forget what happened with the latest slut he tried to sleep with. Heavily pregnant, I was at home and tired. I called him to ask him how his day was going. He was non-committal...but made a point of telling me that he would need to stay late for his staff party. That he didn't really want to go, but boss was going to be there and he had to. That night my husband spent the night chatting up some girl who he had just finished high school. He says nothing happened...I don't believe him.
So now here we are...working late again and I just want fucking take a lamp to his head...possibly burn his shit down and tell him to move out.
I know he doesn't have to wait for after hours to cheat and he has proven himself quite adept and targeting the office ho during office hours...but still...I know its the illusion of control, but I cling to his work hours...that he works between 8-4 and thats it.
How do other women do this? How do manage a marriage, when you can't trust your partner?
Tragically overweight and unfit
My husband met me at my best weight. I was doing serious dancing for about 4 days a week - I was a hip hop dance squad captain. I was looking AWESOME!
But I stopped dancing when I started doing my honours year and was working full time, at the same time. It was just to much for me. And that was the beginning of my yo-yo dieting. He never said anything and for a while there I thought it was okay. That he loved me anyway. About 2 years ago, I read a christian book from a couple and the wife took time out to say it like it is...weight is an issue for men. I started exercising at that point, feeling guilty that I wasn't trying my best to look my best for him. And then of course, I found out his assholeness...which just made me feel worse about myself. For a while I wasn't eating much, determined to starve myself to make a point, which of course didn't last long. Oh I have attemtped to take control of my eating habits along the way, but I was either "sick" or "tired"...excuses...
This weekend, I played with my beautiful son and my knees were weak and my legs struggled with his weight. My breathing, fast and shallow- I could only play for maybe 15 minutes. I am so tragically unfit. I look at my mother and she could easily turn into one of those women that you need to hire a crane to get out of their own homes. I don't want to turn out like that. So Spring is nearly upon us, and its time to try again. Its time to try, so I can play with my son, but also protect him if I had to, I want to try, because I have never felt so beautiful and confident as I did, then when I felt healthy and in control...and although some women would say that it doesn't matter and I would agree it shouldn't, but I need to lose weight for my husband. Its not fair that that I am three times the woman I used to be when he met me. I will never have skinny hip bones again, but right now the massive tummy could do with a change.
I don't know why its so hard for me. I know its wrong, but I continue to stuff myself with food, long after I feel full. Its not okay and I want to feel better about myself.
I have been afraid to weigh myself again. I think I weigh almost as much as I did, when I was full term pregnant. So I will start today. Nothing hectic. Keyword will be sustainable. I will not go out and buys tons of chips, chocolate and the like. I will have my lunch and it will be enough. If it doesn't rain, I will venture outside for a quick walk, just to get some form of exercise going...tomorrow I will face what I have done to myself and weigh myself to assess the damage. Come summer, I will be a better, healthier me!
But I stopped dancing when I started doing my honours year and was working full time, at the same time. It was just to much for me. And that was the beginning of my yo-yo dieting. He never said anything and for a while there I thought it was okay. That he loved me anyway. About 2 years ago, I read a christian book from a couple and the wife took time out to say it like it is...weight is an issue for men. I started exercising at that point, feeling guilty that I wasn't trying my best to look my best for him. And then of course, I found out his assholeness...which just made me feel worse about myself. For a while I wasn't eating much, determined to starve myself to make a point, which of course didn't last long. Oh I have attemtped to take control of my eating habits along the way, but I was either "sick" or "tired"...excuses...
This weekend, I played with my beautiful son and my knees were weak and my legs struggled with his weight. My breathing, fast and shallow- I could only play for maybe 15 minutes. I am so tragically unfit. I look at my mother and she could easily turn into one of those women that you need to hire a crane to get out of their own homes. I don't want to turn out like that. So Spring is nearly upon us, and its time to try again. Its time to try, so I can play with my son, but also protect him if I had to, I want to try, because I have never felt so beautiful and confident as I did, then when I felt healthy and in control...and although some women would say that it doesn't matter and I would agree it shouldn't, but I need to lose weight for my husband. Its not fair that that I am three times the woman I used to be when he met me. I will never have skinny hip bones again, but right now the massive tummy could do with a change.
I don't know why its so hard for me. I know its wrong, but I continue to stuff myself with food, long after I feel full. Its not okay and I want to feel better about myself.
I have been afraid to weigh myself again. I think I weigh almost as much as I did, when I was full term pregnant. So I will start today. Nothing hectic. Keyword will be sustainable. I will not go out and buys tons of chips, chocolate and the like. I will have my lunch and it will be enough. If it doesn't rain, I will venture outside for a quick walk, just to get some form of exercise going...tomorrow I will face what I have done to myself and weigh myself to assess the damage. Come summer, I will be a better, healthier me!
Friday 17 August 2012
Photos of infidelity
Up to now, I haven't the seen infamous pic of Kristen S getting it on with old married dude - OH MY FREAKING WORD!! In my mind, I thought that perhaps it was just a frenchy or something. These guys were practically screwing each other...and my heart goes out to his wife.
I know she is hurt right now, but with kids in tow I figured they would work it out. But I wonder how much of an influence those photos will have over her willingness to try again? I thought to myself that if I had photos or footage of my husband getting it on with another woman, I would never be able to even try again. There is something visceral that happens when you actually see your mate in the arms of another woman. We, the betrayed can imagine what happened and with a plethora of gory details at our beck and call- we embelish what must have been a hot steamy sex session between our louses and the other woman...but photos...photos is something else. We can not unsee our partners loving expression directed at a stranger...we cannot unsee the the caress and kiss that they share. Messages, emails and sms's are bad enough. I still remember in clear detail words of flirty adoration that my husband wrote to another...how much more so would the image of them together be entwined be forever burned into my memory.
The humilation of everyone knowing what he did must be harrowing. My husbands first fling 7 months after we got married, was with a co-worker. I happened to know the company accountant. Everytime I met her, she would smile at me and ask me how I was doing...and now I look back and realise she must have known what he was doing. The shame of having a disloyal husband could barely be borne. We want so desperately to be proud of our men...instead, his the problem child that you never bring up in conversation.
So my heart goes out to Mrs Saunders...I am sorry she has had to expierience her husbands infidelity in front of cameras - the world watching her, even though its in sympathy.
I hope this was the first time he cheated, but something tells me that's unlikely - I pray that she does whats best for her and the kids!
I know she is hurt right now, but with kids in tow I figured they would work it out. But I wonder how much of an influence those photos will have over her willingness to try again? I thought to myself that if I had photos or footage of my husband getting it on with another woman, I would never be able to even try again. There is something visceral that happens when you actually see your mate in the arms of another woman. We, the betrayed can imagine what happened and with a plethora of gory details at our beck and call- we embelish what must have been a hot steamy sex session between our louses and the other woman...but photos...photos is something else. We can not unsee our partners loving expression directed at a stranger...we cannot unsee the the caress and kiss that they share. Messages, emails and sms's are bad enough. I still remember in clear detail words of flirty adoration that my husband wrote to another...how much more so would the image of them together be entwined be forever burned into my memory.
The humilation of everyone knowing what he did must be harrowing. My husbands first fling 7 months after we got married, was with a co-worker. I happened to know the company accountant. Everytime I met her, she would smile at me and ask me how I was doing...and now I look back and realise she must have known what he was doing. The shame of having a disloyal husband could barely be borne. We want so desperately to be proud of our men...instead, his the problem child that you never bring up in conversation.
So my heart goes out to Mrs Saunders...I am sorry she has had to expierience her husbands infidelity in front of cameras - the world watching her, even though its in sympathy.
I hope this was the first time he cheated, but something tells me that's unlikely - I pray that she does whats best for her and the kids!
Wednesday 15 August 2012
The Brave
Heavily influenced by the thousands of Mills and Boons books and bodice rippers I used to read, I had another messed up and yet persisent dream before the discovery.
I dreamed that I was kidnapped by an Indian brave. Stoic and unemotional, he made me his bride. I cooked and cleaned, but never got anything right. I fought for every kindness and soft look he gave me.He grew to love me....
One day I walked outside our tippee and I saw him riding in with another woman. I wasn't sure of what was happening, as I didn't speak the language - but it became clear that he intended to marry this woman. I was heart broken and tried harder to be the wife he wanted...but he kept on spending more and more time with her.
One day, I woke up and realised I can't be someone's second choice and decided to run away.
We made love and I whispered goodbye, as he left me yet again for her. I pretended to take the clothes to the conviently close river to do some washing...and I ran away with the next stage coach passing through.
He searched and searched for me, but I was nowhere to be found. I was long gone to my next adventure and he...well he felt a sadness, he never felt before and for the first time ever, showed some emotion and cried.
I dreamed that I was kidnapped by an Indian brave. Stoic and unemotional, he made me his bride. I cooked and cleaned, but never got anything right. I fought for every kindness and soft look he gave me.He grew to love me....
One day I walked outside our tippee and I saw him riding in with another woman. I wasn't sure of what was happening, as I didn't speak the language - but it became clear that he intended to marry this woman. I was heart broken and tried harder to be the wife he wanted...but he kept on spending more and more time with her.
One day, I woke up and realised I can't be someone's second choice and decided to run away.
We made love and I whispered goodbye, as he left me yet again for her. I pretended to take the clothes to the conviently close river to do some washing...and I ran away with the next stage coach passing through.
He searched and searched for me, but I was nowhere to be found. I was long gone to my next adventure and he...well he felt a sadness, he never felt before and for the first time ever, showed some emotion and cried.
Monday 13 August 2012
Playing chess with an escort
Loneliness became my constant companion. We, the betrayed are alone in our relationships, even when our partners are standing right next to us. We feel it and we try to explain it away.
I remember a favourite fantasy of mine was dreaming of hiring an escort and playing chess him (always one consistent faceless guy) - we would talk about life and about current affairs in the news. He would think I was beautiful and I would feel safe and secure in our "relationship" because I knew he was only there for the money and no expectations of him. And that was what I would dream about - That we would go to some beautiful room by the sea, sit across from each other and play chess and talk. That should have been a sign about how lonely I was...
Our dreams tell us so many things, if only we would listen more...
I remember a favourite fantasy of mine was dreaming of hiring an escort and playing chess him (always one consistent faceless guy) - we would talk about life and about current affairs in the news. He would think I was beautiful and I would feel safe and secure in our "relationship" because I knew he was only there for the money and no expectations of him. And that was what I would dream about - That we would go to some beautiful room by the sea, sit across from each other and play chess and talk. That should have been a sign about how lonely I was...
Our dreams tell us so many things, if only we would listen more...
Good touch Bad touch
For my 30th, my husband did many amazing things - one included booking us for a SPA treatment. During the message I was getting, I realised how healing touch is. Not sexual touch, but just a caring human touch.
Last night I asked my husband if we could message each other. It was glorious to feel his hands me. His hands warm and strong, felt healing and caring. It felt like being in the sun again after the winter rains...
I asked if we could do it more often. Maybe once a week. I think it could really bring us closer together and maybe it would help me feel more emotionally connected to him.
Its so different from the way I used to feel. Sometimes I think he only touches me when he wants to have sex and before his recovery, it definitely felt like I was just a means an end...like the only thing that I had, that he wanted was my woman parts. But with the message its different. I feel acknowledged.
So perhaps if we do this more often, we will start to lovingly touch each other again...no more bad touches...just good ones:-)
Last night I asked my husband if we could message each other. It was glorious to feel his hands me. His hands warm and strong, felt healing and caring. It felt like being in the sun again after the winter rains...
I asked if we could do it more often. Maybe once a week. I think it could really bring us closer together and maybe it would help me feel more emotionally connected to him.
Its so different from the way I used to feel. Sometimes I think he only touches me when he wants to have sex and before his recovery, it definitely felt like I was just a means an end...like the only thing that I had, that he wanted was my woman parts. But with the message its different. I feel acknowledged.
So perhaps if we do this more often, we will start to lovingly touch each other again...no more bad touches...just good ones:-)
Schizo
My husbands grandmother is schizophrenic.
We visited the inlaws this weekend and when we asked where she was, they said she living with family far away from Cape Town...she has been diagnosed with schizoprenia. She is 78 and I just thought that perhaps from time to time, she was just getting confused...but apparently she thinks that the people in the TV talks to her...she hides away from them and argues and screams at them. The final straw is that she has been taking the photos off the wall, laying them out on a bed as if they were real people and has been making them food.
I looked at my gruff father in law and there was such sadness in his eyes. To see your mom mentally slip away must be a terrifying thing. The doctor said the onset was when she was a teen, but our theory is that while he husband was alive it kept her linked into the world...when he died, there was nothing left to keep her here. So she sat and watched TV all day, her photos become her company. She refused to be do anything outside of the home or even to do simple mental exercises to keep her sharp...she is suspicious and obsessive and now she is mentally gone. She is at the stage, where she could harm herself or those around her without understanding what she is doing. Its very sad... but when I took stock of the bigger picture, I thought what the heck is going on here.
My husband has epilepsy. His got a rare strain of it and its well under control, as long as he takes medication.
My brother in law- a month ago told the family that he has memory problems. He can't remember people that he has spent time with and family celebrations. His gone to see a doctor and the doctor has given him meds...
Is there a mental health issue in his family line?
After D Day, I did a lot of research and came across research that suggested that epilepsy could make someone vulnerable to being unfaithful. I am not a doctor, so in my mind I interpreted the research to basically say that essentially because the synapses in his brain isn't working quite right, his not thinking straight. In my case, it might be true to say that he must have been crazy to cheat LOL
Wow, that felt good to joke about that. I remember when I first found out, I was immensely saddened by it.
So ja...sad news, but perhaps a wakeup call to the family to start looking after their mentaly health is whats needed!
I see a lot of fish in my future...
We visited the inlaws this weekend and when we asked where she was, they said she living with family far away from Cape Town...she has been diagnosed with schizoprenia. She is 78 and I just thought that perhaps from time to time, she was just getting confused...but apparently she thinks that the people in the TV talks to her...she hides away from them and argues and screams at them. The final straw is that she has been taking the photos off the wall, laying them out on a bed as if they were real people and has been making them food.
I looked at my gruff father in law and there was such sadness in his eyes. To see your mom mentally slip away must be a terrifying thing. The doctor said the onset was when she was a teen, but our theory is that while he husband was alive it kept her linked into the world...when he died, there was nothing left to keep her here. So she sat and watched TV all day, her photos become her company. She refused to be do anything outside of the home or even to do simple mental exercises to keep her sharp...she is suspicious and obsessive and now she is mentally gone. She is at the stage, where she could harm herself or those around her without understanding what she is doing. Its very sad... but when I took stock of the bigger picture, I thought what the heck is going on here.
My husband has epilepsy. His got a rare strain of it and its well under control, as long as he takes medication.
My brother in law- a month ago told the family that he has memory problems. He can't remember people that he has spent time with and family celebrations. His gone to see a doctor and the doctor has given him meds...
Is there a mental health issue in his family line?
After D Day, I did a lot of research and came across research that suggested that epilepsy could make someone vulnerable to being unfaithful. I am not a doctor, so in my mind I interpreted the research to basically say that essentially because the synapses in his brain isn't working quite right, his not thinking straight. In my case, it might be true to say that he must have been crazy to cheat LOL
Wow, that felt good to joke about that. I remember when I first found out, I was immensely saddened by it.
So ja...sad news, but perhaps a wakeup call to the family to start looking after their mentaly health is whats needed!
I see a lot of fish in my future...
Sms hell of my own making
So last Friday, I went a little crazy and installed a sms and phone call tracker on my husbands cellphone. I have been feeling suspicious lately. Sometimes he does things that reminds me of what he used to be like...and even now, if his not screwing around its to hard for me to ignore the similar behaviour. So I installed a tracker on his phone. BIG MISTAKE.
It has made me super conscious of everything he does. I sarted compusively checking my emails, where all copies of all his sms's and phonecalls would be sent.Notifications of when his logged into his bank account, sms's confirming electricty that his bought started coming through, and with every copy I got I felt increasingly stressed out and its only been 3 days. I can't live my life like this...checking every sms, just in case thats the one he sent to his one of his flings or prostitutes. Its going to drive me crazy. I can't move on, if I am constantly checking his phone, personal pc and laptop. It keeps dragging into the light something, that I would love to go a day without thinking about. But its like I can't help myself...they say that these cheating punks get the "fog"....well I think we get it to.
When I am in fog of betrayal, I can't think straight. I compusively check every device in our house just in case it will lead to a discovery. When I clean up our house, I go through his pants pockets and his comic book collection in case his hid something in there. I search until my eyes hurt and I am tired. Nobody can tell me I shouldn't...I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself. I need to search...just in case his cheating again.
After I look and find nothing, I always feel resentful. I look at him and I can feel my lips growing tight with anger and lingering pain. A wife shouldn't have to search through her husbands belongings...
Lately, I have been thinking that I have been hearing a second phone. I was in our bedroom and I heard what sounded like an email notification. It could be his or mine...but for some reason, its got me thinking that his got a second phone. I will most likely go through his drawers again this week...just to check.
But I need to take the tracker off his phone. The problem is that the tracker is designed to "disappear" so that the owner of the phone won't know its there. I looked and looked, but I can't find it. I checked out his applications list and nowhere to be found. I am in a sms hell of my own making.AAAAHHHH
It has made me super conscious of everything he does. I sarted compusively checking my emails, where all copies of all his sms's and phonecalls would be sent.Notifications of when his logged into his bank account, sms's confirming electricty that his bought started coming through, and with every copy I got I felt increasingly stressed out and its only been 3 days. I can't live my life like this...checking every sms, just in case thats the one he sent to his one of his flings or prostitutes. Its going to drive me crazy. I can't move on, if I am constantly checking his phone, personal pc and laptop. It keeps dragging into the light something, that I would love to go a day without thinking about. But its like I can't help myself...they say that these cheating punks get the "fog"....well I think we get it to.
When I am in fog of betrayal, I can't think straight. I compusively check every device in our house just in case it will lead to a discovery. When I clean up our house, I go through his pants pockets and his comic book collection in case his hid something in there. I search until my eyes hurt and I am tired. Nobody can tell me I shouldn't...I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself. I need to search...just in case his cheating again.
After I look and find nothing, I always feel resentful. I look at him and I can feel my lips growing tight with anger and lingering pain. A wife shouldn't have to search through her husbands belongings...
Lately, I have been thinking that I have been hearing a second phone. I was in our bedroom and I heard what sounded like an email notification. It could be his or mine...but for some reason, its got me thinking that his got a second phone. I will most likely go through his drawers again this week...just to check.
But I need to take the tracker off his phone. The problem is that the tracker is designed to "disappear" so that the owner of the phone won't know its there. I looked and looked, but I can't find it. I checked out his applications list and nowhere to be found. I am in a sms hell of my own making.AAAAHHHH
Sunday 12 August 2012
Saturday 11 August 2012
Truth#2 about infidelity
A man doesn't cheat because he was fooled into it or because he didn't see it coming. He cheats because he chooses to. An act of will that he exercises at your expense...
Cheating is a decision - its not an unstoppable conclusion to social flirting.
She did not make him cheat on you. You can not make a grown man do anything. He sought her out...he flirted, he chased and he got laid. He did think about you...and he decided that you didn't matter.
Cheating is a decision - its not an unstoppable conclusion to social flirting.
She did not make him cheat on you. You can not make a grown man do anything. He sought her out...he flirted, he chased and he got laid. He did think about you...and he decided that you didn't matter.
Wednesday 8 August 2012
An open letter Robert Pattinson
Wassup...
Hows it hanging these days? So the news is abuzz that your girlfriend kissed another dude. That really sucks...Its great that Reese has set you up in a place of your own. Tell her I say hey...You're one lucky son of a gun, you know that. Most of us...the betrayed, have no where to go but the old couches and beds our mates pretended to love us on. Listen pal, I am going to tell you something I wished somebody told me...
So I know you're heartbroken...but there are millions of us who would have paid good money to know what our mates were up to behind our backs. We didn't get photos - we got the increasingly cold shoulder, the pre-mature ejaculation and the bullshit attitude that made everything that went wrong, somehow our fault.
You will always wonder, what she is doing. Everytime she sms's in your company, everytime she is late from "work"...every late meeting will be torture and with every on screen kiss you are going to wonder if its the real deal. Maybe she is sorry...maybe she'll never do it again...on the other hand maybe she has been cheating on you for years, every time you took your English ass back home - she took the opportunity to review her performance with her director...and then even worse, the emotional shit storm that happens every time she is happy. You will wonder who is making her happy....and why is she so crappy do dah happy when you hurt so much.
Are you really ready to sign up for that shit? Because let me tell you that love after infidelity takes balls of steel. After you wipe off the taste of another man on your lips, you are going to have wake up every damn morning and choose to forgive her all over again. You are going to have to look yourself in the mirror and wonder what was so wrong with you, that she had to go looking for sex someplace else. People are going to call you brave for sticking it out, when its all you can do to bite your lip to stop yourself from saying that every damn day you think of leaving...
Keep your pain and forgiveness for someone who matters. Keep it for your wife, when one day after she bears you children her eyes wander to an available man.Keep it for the relationship that you have invested so much in, that it would be a loss to walk away without a fight. Everyone will hurt you...is she really worth the pain that you will need to endure?
You tell her to pack her shit and go, maybe with an awesome kick ass track in the background. I would recommend "Irreplaceble" by Beyonce or "Secretly" by Skunk Anansie. And if you have any sense, as you stand at the door while her cheating ass vacates the premises you say..
Hows it hanging these days? So the news is abuzz that your girlfriend kissed another dude. That really sucks...Its great that Reese has set you up in a place of your own. Tell her I say hey...You're one lucky son of a gun, you know that. Most of us...the betrayed, have no where to go but the old couches and beds our mates pretended to love us on. Listen pal, I am going to tell you something I wished somebody told me...
If she is treating you like shit now, its only going to get worse once you get married. You are better off without her. It doesn't get better and at least you don't have kids. Kids complicate things...
So I know you're heartbroken...but there are millions of us who would have paid good money to know what our mates were up to behind our backs. We didn't get photos - we got the increasingly cold shoulder, the pre-mature ejaculation and the bullshit attitude that made everything that went wrong, somehow our fault.
Dude, don't do it. Don't take her back.
You will always wonder, what she is doing. Everytime she sms's in your company, everytime she is late from "work"...every late meeting will be torture and with every on screen kiss you are going to wonder if its the real deal. Maybe she is sorry...maybe she'll never do it again...on the other hand maybe she has been cheating on you for years, every time you took your English ass back home - she took the opportunity to review her performance with her director...and then even worse, the emotional shit storm that happens every time she is happy. You will wonder who is making her happy....and why is she so crappy do dah happy when you hurt so much.
Are you really ready to sign up for that shit? Because let me tell you that love after infidelity takes balls of steel. After you wipe off the taste of another man on your lips, you are going to have wake up every damn morning and choose to forgive her all over again. You are going to have to look yourself in the mirror and wonder what was so wrong with you, that she had to go looking for sex someplace else. People are going to call you brave for sticking it out, when its all you can do to bite your lip to stop yourself from saying that every damn day you think of leaving...
Keep your pain and forgiveness for someone who matters. Keep it for your wife, when one day after she bears you children her eyes wander to an available man.Keep it for the relationship that you have invested so much in, that it would be a loss to walk away without a fight. Everyone will hurt you...is she really worth the pain that you will need to endure?
Dude, don't do it. Don't take her back!
You tell her to pack her shit and go, maybe with an awesome kick ass track in the background. I would recommend "Irreplaceble" by Beyonce or "Secretly" by Skunk Anansie. And if you have any sense, as you stand at the door while her cheating ass vacates the premises you say..
 |
| I'm still the Lion bitch... |
Monday 6 August 2012
Flute
I am a super geek and I love it. When I was younger I played the flute. I remember practising for hours on end. I must have driven my parents insane...but there came a time, when I was described as a virtouso.
My romanian teacher, a man given to mood swings and making sudden wild gestures with his hands would often close his eyes during our sessions. I think he thought he looked like he was losing himself in my music. I think its because he was wondering how a man with a music doctorate was teaching high school music LOL But he brought out the best in me...and often to avoid his CRAZY temper, I played and played so that he could be proud of me. I adored him and he thought I was amazing. I don't think about him often, but he left an indelible mark on how I turned out to be.
He stood up for me, when some judge thought I wasn't expressive enough. He literally got up from his chair in a room full of people and shat on this guy was from a dizzy height. He apologised to me, when he complained about students not paying their fees - me being one of them. He was so human with all his flaws, but he created the most beautiful sounds.
I remember the day I had to give back my flute. I was renting it from the school, because we couldn't afford to buy one. That was my flute for 5 years...and after my last music exam which I played my heart out...I wiped it clean and put it in its case and handed it back. I felt naked and at such a loss...my flute, my heart was gone. I mourned for a short while, but then I met my husband and I had a new passion outlet.
The sound of a flute would tease my memory and finally this year I decided to buy my own flute. Of course my tone doesn't exist, neither does my ability to carry a note for any particular length of time. But my fingers feel at ease on the silver plated keys...the curve of my lip warms to the metal and all at once, I remember- that I could be what I once was. A girl who simply enjoys making music...something that I was good at and perhaps now is a good time for me to remind myself of that.
On thursday I am playing alongside my opera singer mother. I hope I don't screw it up!
My romanian teacher, a man given to mood swings and making sudden wild gestures with his hands would often close his eyes during our sessions. I think he thought he looked like he was losing himself in my music. I think its because he was wondering how a man with a music doctorate was teaching high school music LOL But he brought out the best in me...and often to avoid his CRAZY temper, I played and played so that he could be proud of me. I adored him and he thought I was amazing. I don't think about him often, but he left an indelible mark on how I turned out to be.
He stood up for me, when some judge thought I wasn't expressive enough. He literally got up from his chair in a room full of people and shat on this guy was from a dizzy height. He apologised to me, when he complained about students not paying their fees - me being one of them. He was so human with all his flaws, but he created the most beautiful sounds.
I remember the day I had to give back my flute. I was renting it from the school, because we couldn't afford to buy one. That was my flute for 5 years...and after my last music exam which I played my heart out...I wiped it clean and put it in its case and handed it back. I felt naked and at such a loss...my flute, my heart was gone. I mourned for a short while, but then I met my husband and I had a new passion outlet.
The sound of a flute would tease my memory and finally this year I decided to buy my own flute. Of course my tone doesn't exist, neither does my ability to carry a note for any particular length of time. But my fingers feel at ease on the silver plated keys...the curve of my lip warms to the metal and all at once, I remember- that I could be what I once was. A girl who simply enjoys making music...something that I was good at and perhaps now is a good time for me to remind myself of that.
On thursday I am playing alongside my opera singer mother. I hope I don't screw it up!
D@mn that felt good...
Yummy moments...I search for my happiness these days. It used to be my way of being, but now its intentional...a choice I make to watch a lame comedy and embrace the childish humor that allows me to shift to a lower gear...its a decision I make to get onto the floor with my child and pull silly faces...I search for my happines and sometimes it hears me and comes running...other times...well other times we play hide and seek...
But this weekend was a yummy time. My husband for the first time in years planned for my birthday. He didn't care enough before to put any effort into it. But this time, it was different. He has been smiling for weeks...I have been stressed out wondering if its another woman thats put that smile there...on Friday all was revealed.
He surprised me with breakfast at the Cape Nature Reserve - a little cold, but I could see whales from the cliffs. As we entered into the gates the R85 charge just to get into the reserve got his attention. But not a complaint anywhere in sight. This man, who would be constantly insistently complaining about EVERYTHING. He was so desperately unhappy with his life...this time, whatever passed through his mind, stayed there and I smiled as he produced his card to pay.
After breakfast, we went and bought our sons first booster seat for the car. I never thought I could love being a mom, as much as I do.And then ta da...he packs a bag for an overnight stay at the 12 Apostles....O.M.W The 12 Apostles, is one of those posh places you are forever driving past and wishing you could just see inside of the place.
He could only afford one night, which I am sure has bankrupted him for the rest of the year...but oh man, what an experience. He booked us for a couples message. Now at first, I wasn't so sure about that. My recovering porn addict of a husband, with another womans hands on him...mmmmm. But I quizzed him about it. He said, if it got weird, he would end it. So off we went together for our message...and let me tell you, those things are to painful to get a boner of any kind LOL We both enjoyed it though. It was so relaxing and I think it safe to do together as a hobby, whenever we can afford it.
Its NB that we find pleasant stuff to do together...when boredom sets in, it only brings in rot. Plus I felt refreshed and beautiful and thats a feeling worth holding on to.And then we went for dinner. Of course the portions were miniscule - but I was to busy being impressed with my husband to care. After dinner, we headed up for our sea facing room and with the smell of sea I felt happy. The sea calms me down like nothing else. I stood there and watching the growing greyness over the ocean and praised GOD. I never thought I would see this day come, when I would still be with my husband.
We spoke spoke about going to go see a movie at the inhouse theatre or perhaps going over to bar later...we of course, babyless - fell promptly asleep at 9pm. I woke up to the sea and an amazing breakfast. We checked out and then met up with my family for lunch. My sister flew down from Johannesburg and there were tears and smiles all around.
That for me, was the pinnacle of my birthday. Having my family around me...and while it shouldn't mean much, I am glad my husband paid for it all. It hurt that he paid for a prostitute, when even going out home made picnics was expensive for him. It hurt that he spent more attention to his flings than he did me. I have seen my husband on full charm and believe me he was spending money...just not on me....so there a little bitter slice in me, that enjoys it when he now pays for stuff...and he definitely paid big time, this time.
So all in all, a successful weekend YAY!!!
But this weekend was a yummy time. My husband for the first time in years planned for my birthday. He didn't care enough before to put any effort into it. But this time, it was different. He has been smiling for weeks...I have been stressed out wondering if its another woman thats put that smile there...on Friday all was revealed.
He surprised me with breakfast at the Cape Nature Reserve - a little cold, but I could see whales from the cliffs. As we entered into the gates the R85 charge just to get into the reserve got his attention. But not a complaint anywhere in sight. This man, who would be constantly insistently complaining about EVERYTHING. He was so desperately unhappy with his life...this time, whatever passed through his mind, stayed there and I smiled as he produced his card to pay.
After breakfast, we went and bought our sons first booster seat for the car. I never thought I could love being a mom, as much as I do.And then ta da...he packs a bag for an overnight stay at the 12 Apostles....O.M.W The 12 Apostles, is one of those posh places you are forever driving past and wishing you could just see inside of the place.
He could only afford one night, which I am sure has bankrupted him for the rest of the year...but oh man, what an experience. He booked us for a couples message. Now at first, I wasn't so sure about that. My recovering porn addict of a husband, with another womans hands on him...mmmmm. But I quizzed him about it. He said, if it got weird, he would end it. So off we went together for our message...and let me tell you, those things are to painful to get a boner of any kind LOL We both enjoyed it though. It was so relaxing and I think it safe to do together as a hobby, whenever we can afford it.
Its NB that we find pleasant stuff to do together...when boredom sets in, it only brings in rot. Plus I felt refreshed and beautiful and thats a feeling worth holding on to.And then we went for dinner. Of course the portions were miniscule - but I was to busy being impressed with my husband to care. After dinner, we headed up for our sea facing room and with the smell of sea I felt happy. The sea calms me down like nothing else. I stood there and watching the growing greyness over the ocean and praised GOD. I never thought I would see this day come, when I would still be with my husband.
We spoke spoke about going to go see a movie at the inhouse theatre or perhaps going over to bar later...we of course, babyless - fell promptly asleep at 9pm. I woke up to the sea and an amazing breakfast. We checked out and then met up with my family for lunch. My sister flew down from Johannesburg and there were tears and smiles all around.
That for me, was the pinnacle of my birthday. Having my family around me...and while it shouldn't mean much, I am glad my husband paid for it all. It hurt that he paid for a prostitute, when even going out home made picnics was expensive for him. It hurt that he spent more attention to his flings than he did me. I have seen my husband on full charm and believe me he was spending money...just not on me....so there a little bitter slice in me, that enjoys it when he now pays for stuff...and he definitely paid big time, this time.
So all in all, a successful weekend YAY!!!
Thursday 2 August 2012
Truth#1
Your partner doesn't have to be late in coming home or picking you up in order to cheat. He can be there on time, every time. Every hair in place...cheating happens all the time...
Wednesday 1 August 2012
You can kiss my afro...
Taking stock, as I gleefully enter my 30s - I have reviewed who I believe myself to be. You grow up and people tell you all sorts of crap about how you are meant to feel about yourself, the colour of your skin and the weight of your pocket on pay day. They would have me believe that I am nothing but a bush baby, destined to be the clown, court jester politcal no mans land with a bad afro. But you know what, screw that...this is who I AM.
Bush Baby
My name is whispered on the winds of the kalahari desert and the sea breeze of the atlantic ocean.
I am the descendent of a people who
w a n d e r s,
gathers and hunts.
I am strong and long suffering...
My family is gathered from the different corners of the world -
shunned because I am not black enough nor white enough,
I take pride in my colouredness...in my otherness.
I am kind and understanding.
Molded by the legacy of my ancestors faith, my family and I choose to believe in
ONE true God, Son and Holy Spirit.
That Jesus died on the cross and rose again.
I am sinful and I am a believer...
God has redeemed me and for that I thankful.
I learned work ethic by watching my father work into the early hours of the morning,
I understand humility and sacrifice when I hear the stories of what my family has had to do, to survive.
I am the domestic worker
I am the girl selling matches on the street corner
I am the wife who makes the choice to stay, when my husbands eye wanders...
I am the potential homeless, the in-prisoned and the bitter gall of dissapointment that could be my fate if I choose not to make the right choices.
I am the consequences of my choices and what my faith makes me...
My story is filled with near misses and miracles.
I have been broken and rebuilt
I have been blinded by tears and my head has been bowed with dissapointment
but oh,
I have found myself smiling under the warm rays of the african sun, swaying in the soft breeze with smell of fresh cut grass filling my senses...
My God is faithful even when I haven't been to myself.
Over the last while, the colours of my world has not shone as brightly as they had before - but they will again...because I have decreed it so...
I am at peace with myself and the journey of my people...
I am the success my forefathers slaved for
I have the freedom they wept for...I am not bound my husbands paycheck nor the laws of my land...I am free...
Who am I?
I am the fulfilled hope of my ancestors
the link between past generation pain and the glory of what is to come.
I am a warrior princess...
and I will stand by you....
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