When he was steeped in his addiction - emotionally he was absent and this meant that sometimes he acted like a complete asshole. Right now, his trying to find healthy coping mechanisms for his frustation and anger and porn used to be his to go to feel better remedy. But every now and then, he acts like a complete jerk.
So last night, I made dinner - which I don't do often as he generally cooks. I make curry and decided to add vegetables on the side. He lost it. He sulked and told me that I ruined his meal, like a child he seperated the veggies and meat so it wouldn't touch other and after he was done eating the curry, he threw away the veggies in the bin.
I threw a fit of note!! Before I would have been so hurt and upset, I would have cried and wondered whats wrong with him. But this time, I realised that I have given him to much power by excusing inexcusable behaviour. I have been to soft for to long and its time to grow a set. So the two of us sat down for a "little chat" about his absolute disrepect for me. OH MY WORD people, I have never heard a grown man sound like such a belligerent brat before. "But I didn't like it", "I didn't like the texture" blah blah...so I ran through a couple of experiential exercises with him and I think he finally got the point.But its got me thinking...
I am starting to think that he has a serious problem with empathy. He struggles to relate to other people and how his actions will have impact on people. He is totally absorbed into himself. Is this a consequence of his addiction - his inability to connect and care about other people or perhaps better put, has it resulted in his inability to put others in front of himself?
Its such a foreign concept to me - I have chosen to live a life of being in service to others - how do you get to be the kind of person he is? I blame his dad...but I blame him more. We can choose to be different. We can choose to change.
I am glad his in recovery, but that doesn't mean its enough for me to stay. We all have our bad days - but if his way of being is to be asshole, I choose not to play the bitch or the victim. I would rather be alone and happy than married and miserable.
I struggle with the same thing. Where is his empathy? How can he not put himself in another persons shoes. How does his brain and heart not automatically go there?
ReplyDeleteIt's this absence that I'm currently worrying about. Empathy is such a core part of making decisions and building a compassionate, genuine life.
I know right? Its weird - like how can you not care? So the other day, I was playing around with all the psych tests and what not and I sent one to him around personality disorders. He came back with a 48% narcisstic trait amongst others. It was hectic.
ReplyDeleteSo every now and then I think about his lack of empathy and if that means he will cheat again? Popular belief is that the only reason why a serial cheater or someone with this addiction will improve is if they fully embrace the hurt they have caused. I sometimes doubt with he does really get what his done...and if thats true, the chances of him cheating again is high.(sigh)
I think we're okay as long as we can see that they are trying. I have realised that for me, if my husband returns back to his consistent asshole ways, we're in serious trouble because it means that his completely gone back to thinking about only himself again and everyone else be damned.