Scene of the crime

I desperately want another child, but in order to do that I need to return to the scene of the crime.  Feelings of loneliness and despair are already teasing my memories...it gets harder to breathe and I fight the need to instinctively cross my legs, as if my body is trying to protect itself from being so vulnerable again.

You see I found out that my husband had the this whole other life mid way during my 1st pregnancy. The porn, the women, the affairs...all of it. And although I thought I might be "uncomfortable" about it during my second pregnancy, I had no idea that it would invoke such terror. My mind is racing with all the things I want to tell him...things that include words like bastard and asshole.

In my panic, one of my most deep resentments that I have done my best to ignore has risen to the surface for air...I bitterly resent the fact that my husband put my sons life in jeopardy. My husband could have passed on an STD while I was pregnant, compromising my sons health. He could have been blinded, physically challenged or heaven forbid born with an STD.My sons quality of life was at stake, because my husband wanted to get laid.

I don't think I have ever come so close to feeling engulfed in rage as when I think about it. His betrayal of me was one thing, to do that to our child, makes me want to punch him in the freaking face.

I watch my son...now a toddler, for signs of some sort of emotional instability-I was a complete wreck for at least 50% of my pregnancy and I wouldn't be surprised if somehow I managed to transfer that to my lovely baby boy.I resent that he put my sons health at risk and I wonder whether I should tell him. Am I just dredging up old issues? Am I right to warn him off. In my mind, I play the scene - I look him squarely in the eye, while I tell him that he didn't give a second thought to our son and even though he is healthy and thriving, life could have been very different. I want to rage at him, that if he does it again- I will make him pay. I need him to understand that I see him as a threat to our growing childs life and I will make damn sure to protect it...even if it means that our marriage won't survive the pregnancy.

And as for me, I am starting to have flashbacks of crying until I couldn't cry anymore...vacillating between feeling like I was dying to not feeling anything at all. I am going out of my mind and all I know is that I don't want to go back there...but I also know that want a second child and preferably with the same man, so that they could have the same the dad.

Is it possible that this time could be different? Am I brave enough to share the experience with him, instead of shutting him out? I don't know...but GOD, please...Your grace saved me before, lead me once more, because if it where up to me, this is going to turn into some prayer mantis bullsh*t.Prayer Mantis eats male  eeeuw!!

Emilio and the memory box

I loved him. Not romantically, but in the way you love someone just for them...he was special and died when we were teens. I remember the day I first met him  and I remember the day we buried him. In my memory box lies a pamphlet and a condolence letter to me. The memory box used to be filled with momentos of past boyfriends, which I chucked away when hubby and I decided on a fresh start...but I couldn't summon the courage to throw Emmys pamphlet away.

This weekend I sat on the bed and apologized to him for the millionth time,for not being a better friend. For being self centred and weak. Selfish and spoiled. For turning away and forgetting him in favour of childish joy and delights while he laid in hospital dying. I am sorry today, as I have ever been...but still I thought it was time to let go, but I just couldn't. I feel as though it would be the ultimate betrayal if I discarded his image to the bin. This is my penance, to keep him with me, so that I never forget what I am capable of- and what I despise most in others.

I keep him to remind me, to be better person to those around me - to be mindful and present to others pain and joy. To stay true despite the hopelessness of the situation...

I wonder sometimes if this is why I have stayed, in my darkest hours. To somehow show that I will not run, I will not hide- I can be strong and brave and true, even unto the very end.

I wonder if my husband found my box, and if he wonders who Emilio was to me. If he ever asks, I will tell him - that Emmy was a better person than me and that in his death I  found a better me.

I guess some memories never reach an expiration date- they stay in a box, waiting...

That bullying bitch

In the twilight, my friend and I spoke about the older wives we knew and the choices they had made. We spoke about the bitter wife - who decided to stay, hoping  her husband would change -he didn't of course...he just couldn't keep away from the ladies...they will spend the rest of their marriage in separate bedrooms, because she doesn't believe in divorce...

We spoke about the bully wife - the one that monitors everything he does - drills him on everywhere his been - interrogates and insults her husband for fear that if she doesn't, he will mislead her once again. The blind wife, who actually refuses to even consider that her once promiscuous partner could cheat on her again. Despite the most heinous of betrayals she blinds herself to the possibility of unfaithfulness...because it hurts to damn much to even think he would do it again, after he saw the way her heart crumbled the last time...

How about the resigned wife. The wife that cooks, cleans and sighs sighs of regret under her breath. Perhaps she stayed to long, perhaps she should have screamed at him instead of praying alone...perhaps she should have prayed first instead of chucking him out...she will never know where her footing slipped, as she tried to hold on to her husband for her familys sake. All she knows is that something went wrong along the way and it haunts her that she couldn't make it right. She looks at her life and regrets the decision she made to either stay or leave..

And of course the pragmatic wife - she misses the days when her husband truly was her hero, but she has come to terms with his feet of clay. She longs to be loved like the heroine in Mills and Boon books - desperately and honestly, but she knows that this is unlikely - so a warm relationship is settled for. After all, what she and her kids get out of it, is worth the sacrifice of girlhood dreams.  Most days she is fine with the sacrifice, but every now and then she wonders if there is a man out there, searching for her,  who is ready to make her his all and everything.She consciously pushes the thought aside, before she turns to face her husband. He can only offer her a comfortable and warm companionship now-  never again will he be able to sweep her off her feet. After all she has found out what happens when  your head is in the clouds. And she has learnt to be okay with that...
 
I wonder these days, which wife am I- I have yet to meet a woman who has gone through constant infidelity in her marriage and has come out permanently happy and content on the other side. Maybe "okay"...but never happy. Is it possible? We flip between " I feel like we're doing better" and " What is that bastard doing now" - we have a good days and bad, but the way we look at the world and our husbands will never be the same again.

Sometimes the weight of unknowing is to much to bear and I want to pack it all in. I know that I don't want to be bitter, resigned or a bully. I want to end off my marriage the way I started- proud of my husband and content with the choices I have made.And that's my prayer for us all - that one day when we are to old to bother with bras, that we look back and are content with the choices we have made and the husbands we had.

Be blessed.

Learning to Live with Less

Every now and then I trawl through the male perspective on how it felt to be cheated on...I came across that one sentence amongst  all the angst " I am learning how to live with less" and it broke my heart, because thats it, isn't - we are all learning how to live with less...

Some might argue that, while we have less- at least its honest...but still. The truth can't stop the cloying feeling of loss.

Last night, something to 1 in the morning I went through his phone. I don't what I expected to find...I know he doesn't use his phone to cheat, but I couldn't stop myself from just checking.... I signed up for a social site he used to use, to see if he was on there and 5 minutes later deleted the account having found nothing...I wish I could just shut it all away.

I want to take my son and drift off in fields of golden sunshine, where I provide everything he could ever need and I would be free from this constant feeling of doubt

When we first got married, our future stretched before us---boring, but predictable and now it seems like every other month I am wondering if divorce is on the cards. Not because his cheating, but because doubt has exhausted me.

I dream of paying a woman to come on to him, just to see what he would do. Why wait for years, when I could find out right now what kind of man he has decided to be.

I don't know what tomorrow holds - torn between my dreams of old and hazy future- I am learning to live with less...now if only I can teach my heart to be satisfied with that...

His ex Abby Jacobs has moved back into town

Slut looks as Slut does..this was posted to facebook for the world to see

 So I understand that my husbands ex mistress is back in cape town. Thats right, she could be lurking around the next corner. There is a part of me that hopes we run into each other...and I hope her husband is with her.

Multiple Passwords...Multiple problems

My husband was always fanatical about passwords. He laughed at me, when I revealed how simple mine was...after all, it just needs to be difficult enough for someone not to guess off hand and easy enough for a bit scatter brain to remember...I will never forget how committed and serious he was about passwords...

Fast forward two years later and I know why that son of bitch was fanatical about passwords. During the fall out, I discovered accounts...it was hard because even if I could guess it what accounts he had, the password stopped me. It wasn't proof enough if the login screen automatically started his email address - it happens all the time.

Passwords...

When I made the amnesty deal...that everything he said was up for forgiveness, if only he would be honest. It was a time limited deal and he took advantage...he gave me his passwords. There must have been at least 7 or 8 of them and the kicker was that they were all variations...and these variations would change every 3 months. I didn't stand a chance...

The other day he needs to log onto webmail (DID YOU KNOW THAT WEBMAIL WILL NOT DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT- WHAT ASSHOLES) anyways, he pauses over the keypad as I sit next him. I had given up the pretense of not watching and stared at his long fingers as they hovered over the key board.  I could almost hear the whirring in his brain - which one was it...what if he put in a password he hadn't given me before...high drama indeed. He typed in a password I was familiar with and he shoulders sagged with relief when it went through...

Passwords are good, but be careful if your partner has multiple passwords for multiple things. Anybody that security conscience is hiding something.

I literally taught myself to read code to catch him

To this day, I assume he had other accounts he never told me about... I have lost the advantage of surprise and he has learnt that his naive wife can be an investigative journalist when the need strikes. If he has accounts, it won't be under his name anymore...

But I watch those passwords...he hasn't changed them in looong time. But I am patient and I'll wait and if there is change, you better bet you ass- that I will find what it unlocks...

Piece of my heart - Janis Joplin

Saying no to mediocre bullshit from our husbands

He took the leftover money from my engagement ring and bought the services of a prostitute with it. I liked my engagement ring - it was modest (small) and a nice cut (small) and at least it didn't turn my finger green (real). Afterwards I wondered if he really bought me the best he could or whether he just bought me something because it was available.

When things went to shit, I took my wedding ring off and to this day I haven't put it back on. That was 2 years and 2 months ago. No tan line is left of what used to be...

As I vacillate between staying and going, one thing has remained clear. That I expect another proposal...and this time, his going to have to give his best. I don't know when I started accepting sub standard behavior and sub standard investment in our relationship - but f*ck him, this time round I am sending the shit back to the kitchen. Why because I am worth of quality...

We're doing date nights now and it has started off really well - but there might com

"OH MY WORD GUYS - MY BOSS JUST CAME TO SIT AT MY DESK AND SAW THIS POST. IF ANYTHING SHE READ THE FIRST SENTENCE FREEEK OUT!!!!  - I AM SO EMBARRASSED. I am sitting here shaking my head and my face is just get super hot....shit man...anyways, its my lunch break....maybe I should go for a walk SMH....

=======

Well now, as I was saying - there might come a time, when he doesn't want to invest time into thinking about it or planning anything and thats not going to end well, because I am not accepting his mediocre shit anymore...

The only problem, is that sometimes I feel like a nag. Because I speak up more readily and more often - but thats his problem, not mine.

I am on my way to being a partner that demands quality investment and genuine time and I think thats' a good start :-)

Little Girl Blue - Janis Joplin

How much would you sacrifice for your child?

I hate being sick. When I am sick all the bad thoughts I normally keep at bay keeps flooding back. I notice Miss Abby Jacobs facebook is no longer active. I wonder if they found my posts...whether her husband contacted mine to verify what happened, like I did with her. I would hope that he would tell me - after all there is nothing wrong with verification. Anyways...down in the dolldrums I keep thinking about what my sister told me...

Two months ago, she looked at me and declared " You are different"... "You are harder and I have forgiven your husband for that, but I miss the way you used to be". You see I am the rainbows and happily ever after type. I believed the best about everyone...seriously, thats why I am a counsellor - because I believe in an individuals ability to reach beyond themselves and live their best life. In my world, everyone was a hero...everyone was a star. My husband being one of the greatest...

I didn't think that anyone really noticed that my eyes no longer soften, that my smile is not quite as forthcoming and that I no longer argue when someone insists that they have met an asshole. Instead I tilt my head and silently agree that they probably have.

I mourn the loss of my heart and joy. Its criminal what my husband has done...he has robbed me of me. I wonder if his sorry...I hope he is.

I thought again today about why I have stayed. Will it all be worth it in the end, if my son has a father who can teach him how to be a man even though its based on the experience that was the foundation of my heartbreak. The winter months are coming and its getting colder now - it leaves much to much time for introspection and mind wandering thoughts about how my life could be different if I just took my son and left.

If only I could know for sure whether he loved me. Whether he was faithful and true...but wishing for this, is like wishing for the moon. Maybe the day will come when I finally know for sure how my husband feels for me...but for now, perhaps its enough to know how much I love my son.

How to love the unfaithful

My crying baby woke me this morning.Resentfully I stared at my husband certain he could hear our son. I gingerly got up, made him a bottle and got back into bed...cold and tired I dreamed that I was throwing my husband a birthday party and then proceeded to hand him an envelope with a note that said, "I want a divorce". I told him that since he wanted his freedom so badly, obviously this would be the best gift for him.

I determinedly pushed the dream aside, but it was to late- my mood had already changed. I woke up feeling bitchy, irritable and spoiling for a fight...

I managed to pull myself back from the precipice in the nick of time  thinking that yes he messed up before, but his doing okay now. And that thought alone has become a key mantra - its hard living with the reformed unfaithful - somethings can not be undone and some hearts will never completely heal, so what do you do? Well, I need to remind myself that just as he needs to work on his recovery, so do I.

I need to actively decide to forgive every day, when I feel like flogging him for choices he made in the past. I am in my second year of recovery now - and yet there are days when it feels like just yesterday I opened his facebook account and saw how my heart was betrayed.

I am still afraid that I will see an email,sms or internet cookie that spells out what he has been doing...and I am even more terrified that I won't. So how do you love the unfaithful, after you made the decision to stay in midst of such compelling fear? Well, I saw this show once when the pastor was talking about the different types of love. The one that got my attention, was Agape Love. The kind of love that is based on a decision and not a feeling.

I can decide to love my my husband, even though I might not always feel it and because of that - my love is constant - it does not waiver with the tug and pull of jealousy and rage. My love is a choice and therefore I can decide whether he is worthy or not - and I can decide when its worth the sacrifice or not. No other love can help a marriage like this - our husbands turned away because they thought that erotic love and sexual feelings for another somehow was more substantial than home you built together. While erotic love has its place, its the level headed Agape kind that really binds us together.

What I have found is that as I love him with my head, my heart has been given space to warm to his embrace without feeling the pressure to have to "feel" the love. And so genuine healing happens at its own pace and time, without the burden of having to romantically love someone, who didn't love you enough when it should have mattered most.

His worried and it feels delicious

My husband is handsome. His Portuguese through and through. Inky black hair, green grey eyes. Broad shoulders and a walk that would make a girls heart skip a beat. As his grown older, his only gotten even more good looking. He has never truly realised this about himself, but I knew. And so I was jealous...I questioned relationships and took note when his gaze seemed to linger a little bit longer than what it should.

It hurt that he never really seemed to get jealous or possessive around me. Even when I told him that I was in touch with an ex of mine, he simply shrugged it off.This wasn't new - I had caught the eye of a good looking man every now and then, but my husband just didn't seem to give a damn. And it hurt...it hurt that he wasn't possessive-it hurt that he felt that I was such a sure bet. Of course now I know that the reason his eye wasn't on me, was because his eye was on someone else.

And introducing my young hot driving instructor post discovery...

To be frank I don't see it, but the other day my husband met him and it was the first time I heard a little bit of a "tone" in the voice. My instructor while I thought reminded me a lot of the gangly dude on criminal minds, my husband thought he could pass for a model. And that's when I started realising that someone was a bit jealous...this morning he remarked that I seemed excited...why am I excited. Of course we both know that I have another driving lesson today. It was the first time, my husband questioned me and I love it.

I love it because it means that his more invested in our relationship now than what he was two years ago. I am feeling good about it, because I have his attention..finally.

I don't want my husband to worry about whether or not I am sleeping around - but it can only be healthy for him to know he can't take me for-granted. And that feels delicious... High 5!!

Infidelity is infectious

My friend approached me last night for advice on marriage counsellors...her marriage is falling apart and I felt the surprising urge to run away.

We sat opposite each other and she spilled her life out before me - I felt something akin to an anxiety attack. It was so bad that I had to sit still for a minute and hope for the feeling to go away. I heard as she told me about this this other woman...and my throat felt it was closing in on itself. I fought the urge just to tell her to stop talking...I don't want to hear it.

I feel bad that I don't to hear it - I don't know why. I research and research and read all my online friends blogs with only empathy, but with a living person in front of me- all I want to do is close my eyes and make it go away.  Is it to close to home? I know it sounds crazy, but its almost as if I think its infectious and if I stick around long enough my marriage is going to catch it...again.

Its often said that when a couple divorces, their couple friends disappear - it makes me one if they to get itchy and start back tracking like a mom from a child when she discovers they have lice.

My husband and I didn't have any couple friends to speak of really - so we didn't feel the loss of anyone, but the fear is real.

Anyways, so I sat and listened. I went home and told me husband. He had the sensitivity to say, that he knows that I am going to be watching him like a hawk - but he doesn't why. I am scared. I am scared that while I am doing the best I can, once again his being asshole and flash of boob or bum will be enough for him to cheat. I am scared that once again it will be years again before I find out...

My friend will never know how deeply I feel her heartbreak...and how much I wish I wasn't.

Fatty boom boom has its own web page now

Attention all amazing people - the Fatty Boom Boom page has now got its own web page. I will posting all my posts related to my struggles and thoughts to this page:fattyboomboomdiaries.blogspot.com

Its awesome.

MWAH :-)

Miss Abby Jacobs - some things you should believe

I should leave it alone...shake it off. I have been doing pretty well, but yesterday I went looking for her latest tweet. Something about don't always believe what you read...made me wonder if she read my post on her slutty behavior. So just for me, no frills attached- you can believe this:

In 2008, Abigail Jacobs while being married or engaged to another man had an intensely sexual relationship with my husband. I suspect it carried on into 2009, as they kept in touch using one of those adult friend finder websites.

Last year, when my husband sought her out on my instruction she was happy to get into contact with him. I had hoped that she would shun him so that whatever lingering romantic/sexual desire that still lingered would be broken. But she let me down - her voice was breathy with excitement as my husband put her on speaker phone. There was no shame there.

And maybe its for that reason, that I am struggling to let it go. Isn't she sorry about what she not only did me, but to her own husband? I want to bring about the some about humiliation and pain she has brought me, but I need to come to terms that would never happen. She will never know what it feels like to have a husband who slept with a work colleague for shits and giggles

She broke my heart and she doesn't even care...

How to rebuild the romance after his cheated

Its something we all need to face if we decide to stay. How do you not only accept romance, but inject healthy romance into your relationship? Its looks like dating and sounds like dating, but its not the same. In the first flush of love you gaze at your partner, thinking that of course he will let you down - and inside you resolve to forgive the moments when he will forget to shower you with flowers or when he balks at buying you pads when you run out. Feeling magnanimous and ready, you commit to a marriage, but never in your dreams do you think that he will have let you down the way he has.

Its changed you. You are not the woman he dated and his not your knight in shining amour anymore. You have resolved to be your own hero and for some of us, that has meant trying again.For a while you let him do him do the work - its satisfying watching him jump through hoops and leaping to any demands you might have....but there comes a time, when you will need to stop being a observer and start being a participant in your marriage again. I know he was the one who "left" first, but you need to let that go so that you and your family become the reason he wants stay.

Bitter is, as bitter does:
At first it feels awkward to offer any sort of gratitude for anything - in the beginning my thanks were clipped and almost rude. And thats when I was willing to allow him to do things for me again.  I was becoming more and more miserable each day because I insisted on proving my hurt at every opportunity-I didn't allow myself the chance of just forgetting for a moment what had happened.  I couldn't stand who I was becoming so I decided that its time to let get of the deliberate bitterness - and it allowed a small beginning to just being civil.

As my mother told me....if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all:
We tend to get ourselves into a bit of cycle of mean spiritedness and I aint gonna lie - making them hurt feels good. But neither of you needs a constant reminder of what an asshole he is- you both know.

Um, that coffee was nice...:
So now we're not being mean and we're watching our words. Next step - find something to compliment them on. Now it might stick in your craw a little bit - but you have got to start. What won me over to this idea - is that if you can compliment him, when you need to have a heavy word with him, he will take it  seriously. If you are constantly telling him what a rubbish he is, all he will hear after a while is - "You're a jerk, you will always be a jerk and I plan on making you pay for this every damn day". So you need to find balance. It will make him more receptive to your concerns and it will allow you to be more yourself again and before you know it you are feeling slightly happier and he is feeling grateful that just maybe your marriage will revive itself.

I may not have been the first, but I am the last:
Now that you can look at him without showing him the finger, protect yourself from you. If you haven't told him that you would like to try again - let him know and then talk about what you both need from the relationship. For me, I needed to feel desired and loved again. To be paid attention to- spoil me and show me that I am on your mind. What happened though is that he started surprising me - but then I would get mad because I would wonder if he did the same things with his many, many women. Soon I started getting tense, whenever I received what I had asked for and instead of rewarding him, it become another difficult emotional conversation.So I decided to embrace this mantra - "maybe I am not the first, but I am the last". I deserve being spoiled and loved and I am not going to let our history take that from me...

Throw the ball back
So by now his doing cartwheels to show that he loves you and that he has recommitted himself to a life of love and monogamy. Its time to show him that you still care for him and you love him even though a part of you will always be ready to deliver that swift kick to the balls if he has ever returns back to his errant ways. And this is where the rubber hits the road. A relationship won't work unless both of your are participating - you expect him to romance you, well he needs the same. Admittedly his ideas and desires might look different to yours, but remember when you were willing to do anything to please him. Try and get back to that place. Surprise him with stuff he wants - whether its that yummy meal you make or you in red heels and nothing else. I know that there will be somethings we will struggle to do again. For the life of me, I can't see myself giving my husband a b-job in the foreseeable future. Just the thought of where his bits have been, makes my lips seal shut. But its time ladies to throw the ball back - his been lobbing that damn thing over the net for months now while you stood and smirked at him and for some us it included gestures that should not be shown in front of children. Its time to play ball and thats where I am at.

Hubby and I have date nights now - Friday nights. My mom was kind enough to take our son for the night, so we  could have time to ourselves. So I have been looking for things that I could do for him, that he would enjoy and that wouldn't hurt the non-existent bank balance.  Its a surprise but on Friday night I am taking him on this:




Its the hugest ferris wheel I have ever seen - its manly right? they say nothing like fear inspires passionate sex, so lets hope it works!

Sometimes its hard to know how to show that cheating bastard that you still love him, so its good to have a couple of ideas on hand:-)

I  found this AMAZING website called "Dating Divas - strengthening marriages, one date at a time" (www.datingdivas.com), which has awesome ideas. Check it out :-)

unfamiliar thighs and sighs

What kind of husband should you want? One with lots of experience or the innocent...

Today my friend found evidence of an inappropriate work relationship between her husband and a his colleague- she isn't clear whether its physically sexual, but apparently the intimate instant messages between them was enough for her to chuck him out of the home. I listened as her heart broke and she wailed - "why me? I could never believe he could do such a thing to me". And I remembered the moment of stillness when I realised what my husband had done and how from the depths of my soul I cried out to God- why me? Shell shocked that my seemingly innocent husband could have done the things he had.

I loved my husband for his innocence. I was his first lover. I was ashamed that I had not waited for him, but I really felt like with him everything was new. When things started to wane years down the line, I thought he just wasn't interested in sex but the truth was he wasn't interested in having sex with me. There were odd moments when I checked his phone, but upon finding nothing I thought silly me. He would never do that to me. If anyone was going to cheat in this relationship, it was going to be me. Of course the sorry tale unfolded to reveal a different ending.

What I will never forget though is trying to reconcile who I thought he was, to things he had done. I thought he was a safe bet. He saw how his father cheated on his mother multiple times, he was dragged through a divorce twice and witnessed how his mothers heart broke. I thought the trauma of that would ensure that he would be the best, most faithful husband ever. This was further reinforced, when he refused to get to kinky with me. Feigning embarrassment with dirty talk and games in the bedroom, I thought that my libido simply outstripped his and I didn't mind. He loved me and that was enough for me.

The shock of finding out that my blushing husband was an aggressive sexual thrill seeker, gob smacked me.My whole life I have been avoiding the player type, only to find I married a master. Even today, sometimes I look at him and I have to remind myself that he is not the man I thought I married. He is everything I hate in a guy - the charmer and flirt. The promiscuous and shallow...

If we could go back in time, I wouldn't have married him right there and then. Not because I didn't love him, its because he wasn't ready. He thought he was, but he didn't know any better. His lack of experience in the end contributed to his down fall. That's how it is with innocence - they believe with all their heart that they are pure, but its the experienced amongst that through trial and error have come to know the monsters within. We know what we are capable of and therefore guard against. He got curious..and then hooked and then...then my heart slid off its axis and broke into a million pieces. Maybe if he had dated a little bit more, I would have been married to a different kind of man.

Innocence has a lot to be blamed for.

Next time, I will look for a man who has been around the block. Who loves me enough to commit and not be swayed by unfamiliar thighs and sighs. Next time, innocence be damned...

Is it ever okay to be contact with your ex?

My friends 8 month old marriage is falling apart. They had dated for a year and felt that they were so in love that marriage was the logical next step - him being 21 and she being 28 at the time apparently a non issue. We tried to tell them to wait, but they felt that they could handle anything and that whatever changes happens they would be able to face together...

For months now they have been fighting - apparently he can't handle the fact that she had a child by a recovering drug addict before they met. He now wants a divorce. What I don't understand is that pre-marriage this wasn't a problem, as a matter of fact he loved my friends little girl as if she was his own - but now apparently all it does is remind that she had this sexual relationship with someone he deems as unworthy and it grosses him out.Things have slid to the extent that they no longer talk to each other about where they are going...last week he came home reeking of wine...she has gone to out without letting him the know the usual where, who and what...

Still, I believed that things can be saved - for us the betrayed - we know about resurrecting things from the dead - but for the first time yesterday I heard the faint sound of a death knell. She got in contact with he ex boyfriend, who she has always loved. He cheated on her with a close friend as well as co-worker. She had a breakdown and left him - but she has never been quite able to move on. And now they are back in contact. Over the years she has forgotten the pain and misery and instead remembers all the good things he did and I know she has wondered what would have happened if she stayed...

She insists that its just for closure...but its a slippery slope. I would contend that closure can be found in oneself- you don't need the perpetrator...not really. So she is at a cross roads - she is no longer the innocent - both of them unwilling to actually find a counsellor and be the better person. Maybe they should get divorced - they are hurting no one but themselves...

How to dress for Thailand - for big girls

My sisters!! This is my brutally honest guide about how to dress for Thailand for big girls...

Toothpicks, toothpicks everywhere - Thai women are shorter and more slender that most in the western world. You are going to feel even bigger over there - but don't despair, just be prepared :-)

1. Wear extremely light clothing - you are going to sweat like crazy. The kind of sweat that pours down in riverlets - no kidding. So I would suggest  extremely light weight materials and wear good underarm. Don't feel the need to compete with the spaghetti straps. I noticed right away, that the local women wear 3/4 sleeves to protect from the sun and only tourists wear no sleeves and in the process get severely burned. So you can still cover up and feel like you're on holiday. Pretty fabrics that don't cling, will help you feel comfortable in the heat.

2. You have got to get the right shoes-  No high heels! Pack in lovely durable walking friendly sandals. I wore Tongas - absolutely worth its weight in gold.Somehow the heat makes walking that much more difficult and the distances in Thailand are far. A bangkok block is something to be in awe of - be prepared. I took a pair of takkies and sandals and spend most of my time in sandals. It allows you to cool down, while still looking stylish. Its worth investing in a good pair of walking sandals as it needs to carry your weight in extreme temperatures for long distances, without giving you bunions or making your feet hurt.

3. You have got to get something between those thighs - I took a skirt with me and within 15 minutes of walking, the rubbing of my thighs made my skin feel raw. There I was trying to look  all feminine for my husband, while my thighs felt like I had rubbed salt in an open wound. Its enough to ruin a holiday. If you want to wear a skirt, then pack in a cycling/cotton shorts that you can sneak in under and no-one will be none the wiser. You thighs won't be in direct contact with each other and you can benefit from having a  breeze bless your legs every now and then. I pretty much lived in my 3/4s and it worked out well.

4. The hair must go up - You are going to sweat and your fabulous hair will make it worse.  Hats are a good idea - buy one of two when you get there. Take some beautiful clips to tie up your pretty tresses.

5. Pantyliners!  If you are a mom or a big girl- the pelvic floor aint what it used to be.  Because its so hot there, you will (and should be )drinking more water than you do at home. This means that, unfortunate leakage is bound happen with all the fun sightseeing and walk abouts that you will be doing. Be prepared!  Pantyliners over there are extremely thin - so if you can buy them over there, but I was grateful to take my slightly thicker ones from home.

6. Make up is a no-no - It all slides off. I don't know how the asian women do it, but I was sweating enough for everything to slide right off and the products I had was some hardcore stuff.  Instead, get a good sunscreen, drink lots of water before to clear your skin and let the Thailand sun kiss you for that fabulous look.

7.  You can buy clothes in Thailand if you are a big girl - your options are very limited though, but you can. Undoubtedly, they cater for size 14 and down. I am a size 22/42.  There are a million flea market styled stalls (no exaggeration) and every now and then I saw one size fits all girly tops with a drawstring under the boobs, so you can fit it as you like. I bought one and I wore it for 50% of my time there. But be warned, I was just about fitting into it, at my size. If you are bigger, bring your own tops as you can't be sure of finding you feel comfortable in. So yes -You can buy tops there! I don't know about jeans or skirts though. I think that might be harder to come by...

8. Bathers - Its unfortunate that we don't exactly look our best in bathers given our weight, but you can still look fabulous for those island days. I bought one of the dress bathers - pretty floral with a mini skirt that covered where my thighs met. My mom made me this floaty cover up - a cross between a sun dress and a sarong. It was made of beautiful silky gauazy delicate material that demanded a bather must be worn underneath, lest your dignity was exposed to the world. I felt amazing, next to to the bikinis and miniskirts. We can't do skimpy and short- but we can rock sexy elegance!

9.  Do your best to lose some weight before you go- the less you weigh the more comfortable you will be in a land where everything is built for a smaller people, but that being said. About two weeks before you go - let go. Embrace the weight! Walk tall, shoulders back and enjoy being a foreigner in an exotic land. Nothing looks more beautiful than being comfortable and happy :-)

Is Thailand okay for recovering sex/porn addicts?

So the hubby and I are back from Thailand - were we spent two amazing weeks there, holding hands and finding out who we are as a couple again. The awesome thing about Thailand is that it really does cater for whatever kind of holiday you want. You can 5 star it or budget backpack it and the whole asian experience will be yours for the taking...

We were brave and left our 18 month old son behind - it was bittersweet. We needed us time, without running after a toddler insistent on exploring every nook and cranny - it was great to fall asleep next to my husband without a wriggling son in between us and yet- I missed all of it as much as I was relieved by its absence. Its crazy being a mom hey...But I would say, that if you are going to backpack it or have a budget holiday, I would encourage to only take only age 12+ children with you. Its insanely hot over there and coming from a South African, thats saying something. The parents courageous enough to try, looked harassed and worried, trying to ensure that their little ones were surviving what felt like desert heat - it did not look like fun. If you take kids - you need to have the money to make it very comfortable. Note to self- definitely take my son, but only when his a teenager.

But would I take my husband again...well, its a bit dicey. You see I researched and planned our trip around the hotspot areas. So phuket was out and so was Pataya...and I would say that it went pretty well, but you can't escape the fact that if your husband wanted to step out for 30 minutes- there is a lot he could do.  The most off putting thing that happened was in Chinatown. Beautiful place, but to my surprise I spotted two prostitutes straight away. In broad daylight mind you...a tuk tuk driver ignoring my presence, told my husband that he would be able to take him to a red light district close by- it was if I didn't exist.  It made me wonder, how many husbands waited for their wives to fall asleep and crept out for a little bit of Thai. On my last day in Thailand, I unexpectedly started my monthly and was forced to send my husband out to buy some pads and to be honest for a while I was tense...there is a lot a man can do with a couple of minutes.

But is that any different from where I live...not really. We have our local spots only 5 minutes away. It would be foolish to think that somehow sex was easier to obtain in Thailand than it is here...but I do wonder if it would be cheaper.

It saddened me, to think that I can't even trust my husband to go buy me sanitary towels without worrying whether he would sneak off into an alley somewhere - but it is what it is.
 
I decided to go to Thailand, with the thinking to heck with my husbands issues. I wanted and needed a break and I didn't want to be let his problems influence my life and future anymore than what it has already. But it become patently clear, that its not just about the recovering addict- the truth is you are a recovering couple - there will definitely be triggers for him, but perhaps more importantly and unexpectedly is that you will be  triggered as well - which comes as a surprise when you are looking out diligently for your partner. 

What was my trigger as the partner? Its was the different-ness of the women. One of the primary hurts I had, was the fact that women my husband sought out, was very different to me. The weight, the hair...the colour their skin. He wanted something else and being surrounded by pretty Thai girls just brought it all back home to me. I can't change me to be a different woman every other week to sate his need for different experiences... Thailand could be just as bad for you, as it could be for your partner.

But all in all - Thailand is great and I would recommend it to the couple trying to build happier memories, but you must know where you are going to and you must have some degree of honesty in your relationship to know whether being within a block of a prostitute is going to be an issue.

We went to the Islands - but decided to go to Koh Lanta Yai - a mainly muslim island known for its beauty, but it also for being family friendly. We stayed in Chinatown and downtown Bangkok, where everyone wants to give you a massage, but we chose to be in non seedy areas so generally it was on the up and up.

Thailand isn't the problem - what it does is bring out the best and worst in you, because everything is so freely available. The problem is us  and who we decide to be, when we touch down in Bangkok.

The are 4 things thought I would check first before deciding to go to Thailand with your partner, just based on what we experienced what made it okay for us.

1.Can he look away?  I don't mind if my husband notices a beautiful woman, as a matter of fact I get worried when he pretends not to. The issue is, can your partner notice someone beautiful and not let his gaze linger while he mentally undresses her?

2.Can he manage his triggers?  I am sure that as time has gone on, he has not told me every trigger he has and I see this as a good thing, because I need him to be able to manage himself. But I do expect him to tell me if we need to steer clear of some stuff. He has done this in the past and I believe he will let me know the big things. So that was good.

3.Are you ready to manage your own anxiety about being attractive enough for your partner? This is hard, but there was a couple of times, when I needed to just let go.Beautiful young girls are dime a dozen there - So pack in only one or two summer friendly outfits, that bring out your best features - no heels!! steer clear of showing to much cleavage. I found it disconcerting the way the local men stared at my bosoms :-(

4.Can you give yourselves a break and stop talking about whats happened?  When you go to a beautiful place, you have the right to stop talking about it and give yourself a mental holiday. If you don't, you will spend a lot of money doing something you could have done at home. When you go - go to rest your heart and mind. Give yourselves a break. It will be worth it.

Gmail chat and Skype porno accounts

There is an unfortunate truth that in the world we live in, escaping basic technology is impossible. We use all these different platforms at work to chat and meet online to talk business...but what happens when your partner is using it as a cover for all the random bullshit they get up to.

To my knowledge hubby has at 2 gmail accounts, 1 afrihost email account (because its for our internet) and 1 skype account. Now to me its really possible that he has more then these because life has taught me not to trust what I see... but I have had to embrace the fact that there are some things out of my control. Anyways, so things have relatively been going okay, but lately the little camera icon on gmail chat has been getting my attention.

Is he using gmail chat to pick up chicks? To talk to female work colleagues...and what is worse is that the little green dot sometimes turns into a camera icon. Does mean his chatting to someone. He swears his not talking to anyone, but why would the little dot change to the camera icon is he wasn't using it? I checked out his account of course no history of anything...whats going on? Is he lying to me yet again...am I being blind? What the hell is going on.

Its fucking driving me insane. I feel the rage and bile rise up in the back of my throat and I am tense enough to pull a muscle in my neck....what is he doing? WHO IS HE SPEAKING TO??

He loves chatrooms, that much has become very clear to me. Is gmail chat just to alluring to ignore?

I tried to google what it means when the little green dot changes to the camera and all they say, is that shows that the person has an camera and use it chat....it doesn't say that its activated when they do chat. FUUUUUCK.

Maybe he isn't cheating...but the suspicion of it, is enough to end a marriage. Its to much to bear, since the little green camera has caught my eye, I keep on dreaming about him meeting women for lunch...I dream that his bored at work and this is how is he spending his time...chatting. Its tormenting me and I can't let it go... I won't be betrayed again.

My lips are dry and my eyes ache with tiredness. I feel like a child strapped in the back seat of a car going to nowhere, begging the question- are we there yet? But noone answers...

I am alone in the backseat in a car destined for hell..

To Thailand with love

Dear Thailand

In two weeks my husband and I are paying you a lovely  visit. Its meant to indicate a fresh start in our marriage and has seemed appropriate since he started acting out when I last visited without him. I can't tell you how many times I have regretted that, but whats done is done and I have said my goodbyes to the fiance I knew when he dropped me off at the airport. The man waiting for me when I got back was a different story...

So here is the deal - I need help.

I thought that this would be a fresh start, but more and more I realise that there is no "start date" to rest of my life. I am still paralyseyd with fear in quite moments, when I wonder if his cheating. I still rage when an sms notification goes off on his phone and I don't instantly know who it is. The other day, riddled with bitterness I blogged about an old mistress of his, hoping that her family and friends would read it... I still long to know what his doing 24/7 and I don't think our trip to Thailand is going to change that.

So help me build good memories...memories that will outlast the pain of the years behind me. Give me photographs that I can look at without wondering who was he doing when it was taken...give me songs for the soundtrack of our lives that belong to just us and that I don't have to share with another woman's memory. I still grieve the fact that there are some artists that I can no longer listen to because while I dedicating those songs to him in my heart, he was thinking of someone else.

I know that you have dangers...only a fool would not realise the strong sex trade that happens within your borders. I remember smells from street carts and the ageless women eagerly offering me and my dad  "massages" at neon lit parlours.  Its unavoidable, but help us to be wise about areas that we shouldn't go into. Phuket is already off the list and some road called Soi Cowboy, that apparently are hotspots...when my family went, we managed to avoid this sort of thing, please help me to do it again.

Give us adventure and romance...enough for me to rebuild my dreams around. Enough for us to fall in love again....

See you soon
XXX

Miss Abby Jacobs - the blueprint of a tramp

 

Miss Abby Jacobs ---found her twitter account. She wants to know what Jesus would do...I bet he wouldn't try to f*ck a married man.

I am so tempted to let her network know of the kind of woman she is...the kind that slipped my husband her phone number last year (2012) so that they could catch and chat about the good ol' days.

I wonder if she ever regrets it...I wonder if she still is cheating on her partner with whatever man allows her to go down on him.

I wish I could tell that she should go and get herself tested- after all, my husband was making the rounds with prostitutes and strangers from chat rooms.  A HIV test would be a good idea, if I were her. If you know this woman, perhaps pass along the pamphlet.

My husband is an asshole and I blame him for every sordid thing his done - but thats not to say, that I resent the fact that when he cheated, he cheated with the office cum dump site.

Eeeuuww!

My mom

Once in the heat of discovery, I called my mom to take me to my husbands workplace - suspecting that he was meeting someone there after hours.

My mom took me gladly and off I went - highly pregnant and pissed off. En route she told me that every woman should have a car. Not only for their our own independence, but so that we can track down our husbands whenever we need to. I believe her exact words were - no man should ever think that you can't reach them. A bit dramatic I thought at the time, but she was right. Men take advantage of our homeliness and get away with murder, simply because they have the car.

This year, my mom gave her car to me. A little beat up, but its mine free and clear. When I spoke about getting a family car, all she said was she hopes that I remember what she said. I had forgotten in that moment, how it had felt to call my own mother to track down my husband. The embarrassment and anger at the time was to much for me to bear...and now again, if I should call on her to do the same, she would do it in a heartbeat, but that wouldn't be fair.

So my freedom now stands in our driveway and he is confused as to why I won't give it up for a bigger car.

But I won't. Its mine.

Thanks mom for giving me that....

Lunchtime affairs

I don't know...I have noticed whenever I get my monthlies (periods), for a week before then I start to suspect that his cheating on me and its happening again.

He works down the road and yet never asks me for a cup of coffee, I always instigate it. I think his seeing someone. I think his struck a deal that he takes all his lunchtimes with her and after work is family. His so fiercely defensive of his lunchtimes...

I don't understand why he doesn't want to have lunch with me. I'm not talking daily...just sporadically. He tries to make me feel bad that I am doubting him, but that's an old trick of his. He makes me sound unreasonable and unjustified in my suspicions...until I have proof that is, and then there is no wiggle room.

I have come to terms with the fact that he doesn't want to spend more time with me than absolutely necessary. He says its because he needs to hang out with his friends...but I think he lies.

My mom gave me her car and in the first flush of receiving it, I thought we could trade in both our cars and get a really great family car - but I have since put that idea away.

I am keeping my car and I am going to save money.  He can have as many office flings as he likes, but the day will come when I am tired of his shit and I will leave.

I just need to him to hang around long enough to give me a second child and I am sure that I would be able to raise both kids without him. I don't want my son to be alone and I want my kids to have the same dad and my husband will just need to pay maintenance.

Maybe it is just PMS and in a week I will be fine again...but for today, I am sad.  I guess thats just how to goes sometimes...

Learning how to Listen

I am a counsellor by trade. I listen for a living. But for a long time now, I haven't really listened to my husband with the aim of just allowing him to share.

I have listened intently to catch him out on a lie...I have listened for inconsistencies and half truths. I would like to think I only stopped really listening to him when he started lying to me...but the truth is I stopped listening a long time ago.

I stopped listening to all the things my husband wasn't saying. I brushed it off thinking that he just wasn't the emotional type. I stopped watching his body language and missed all the times he eyes should have crinkled when he smiled at me, but didn't...when he should have been patient and kind with me, but wasn't.

I stopped paying attention.

I stopped listening and missed the cues within the silence that told me that something was seriously wrong. I made the mistake of thinking that all relationships go through stressful periods...its only in hindsight that I now know that what I was going through wasn't stress - it was infidelity.

Yesterday I listened to him. I bit my tongue, so as not to respond to issues I normally would have had a 2 hour conversation around.  I listened, because I realise that I don't really know my husband at all...and maybe I am partly to blame.

With every issue that comes up, I rush to fix it - to respond and debate for hours on end. I am exhausted by my own need to sort it out...sort him out. I talk and talk and talk, until I can't bear the sound of my own voice.

When I offered to just listen, he was surprised.  He said that what he had to say would just make me mad and he didn't want to ruin our day. I promised I wouldn't... he didn't believe me, but tested me anyway. It was good for us both. He spoke softly and every now and then glanced at me, to check whether I was about to pounce on what he had said. And to be honest, I really wanted to...but if I did, he was never going to share with me again.

So I listened and afterwards thanked him for sharing. Shaking off the need to make this a teachable moment for him and I allowed it to become a teachable moment for me instead. Maybe its time to start listening again and somewhere in ether we will find each other again.

Naming your daughter after a mistress

I have always known that I want more children. It scares the living daylights out of me, because my pregnancy last time was eventful to say the least. And yet, I want my second child. I want a playmate for my son and its NB that he doesn't grow up alone. There is something magical about us against the folks scenario ya know...

So yes, I would like a second child. The other night my husband and I chatted about the name we would give our daughter...we were thinking of Alyssa meaning joy or great happiness...and out of nowhere my mouth formed the question - did any of your other girlfriends have that name? He looked shocked for a minute and retreated in tense silence. I asked if he was annoyed and he said yes- how I could ask that. And I reminded him, that one of the possible names he volunteered was Abigail...that's right, the name of the first post wedding dalliance. He said nothing...but to honest he didn't really seem to have heard me.  He went to bed angry and I shrugged it off, because it was pretty much his problem.

The next morning I asked if he wanted to talk about it...once I promised to just listen, he shared with me that he was hurt and angry that I would think that he would stoop so low as to name our daughter after one of his mistresses. That I would think that he would punish me like that...I am glad I promised to listen, but I had to bite my tongue to not remind him about Abigail..

He said that maybe I should pick the name of our daughter - it was said in anger and little flippantly, but the truth is, I probably will. I want to because I need to know that the name I give my child, is the name that I want and not spawned out of some good feeling memories my husband might have.

It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth knowing what my husband is capable of...but perhaps what is more confusing is  seeing for the very first time how he has completely separated himself from what he used to be like. Its like he couldn't reconcile what he had once done to the man he is now. He was disgusted that I could even think that he would name our daughter after a mistress...but you know what, while I allow to warm my heart a little bit - there are some lessons that I would be foolish to forget.

I remember my husband turning on me in anger, when I discovered his first affair. I remember his seemingly annoyance that I could even consider that he was cheating me. I have learnt to take everything he says, with the wariness it deserves.

So he can be upset and even hurt...its water off a ducks back. The time for not wanting to hurt his feelings have come and gone, all is left is reality and a healthy skepticism of life as I know it.

Mugg and Bean for adulterers

So I love Mugg and Bean - its this coffee house with the BEST food and coffee in a relaxed environment and I must say that I have become pretty bitter about the fact that my husband took one of his harlots there.

I haven't been able to go close to a M&B in years now...and last night I made the mistake of thinking that I was over it. So post valentines day, the after glow of a exploring love I had thought that would be fine to go for a cup coffee with my husband. BAD MOVE!

The minute my butt sat on that chair and looked across at him, it all flooded back. I gazed at him and wondered how excited he must have been...how charming and eager to please. And I cried right there and then in a shopping mall with people walking past and everything. I tried to cry pretty tears but it become evident that that wasn't going to happen. Every time I looked at my husband,  a fresh batch of salty water trickled down my eyes. So I figured if I could just keep my head down it would be fine, and for a second it worked- but I would glance up when I thought I had regained control only to cry again.

We got out of there as fast as we could and I cried in the car the whole way home. I told him that Im not going to make a deal of it - I have said all there is to say and I have asked all my questions - its just that at times, the grief is so overwhelming that all I can do is cry.

My mind I saw this picture of a thousands of little pieces of mirror twinkling in the darkness...it was my heart. I was wrong, when I thought it was fixed...

Does it ever go away - the scar that that infidelity leaves, the pain of betrayal and loss.

I asked myself why I was crying, its not like our relationship was going all that great in the first place. Why cry for something that I wouldn't ever want again... and Mrs Jones came onto the radio and I totally lost my shit and bawled like baby in the front seat of our car.I think I almost broke the radio in trying to switch it off.

I looked at the thick inky blackness of my husbands hair and wondered how many fingers have run through it...I wondered if he missed any of it.

At any rate, I think its fairly safe to say that my beloved Mugg and Bean needs to be taken off the list of restaurants I can go to...and that aint right...

Valentines Day for the Brave

Last year, I told him that I didn't want anything for valentines day and I emphatically told him to forget about our wedding anniversary...love was a dirty word in my home and I just didn't want to hear it...

Over the last year, I decided to try...and come January this year I told him I was ready to hear that he loves me. So with trepidation and little excitement for the first time in years, I planned for valentines day. I say the first time in years, because I previously made the monumental mistake of not celebrating ( because it was so expensive)...so no valetines have been seen for a while.

It was sweet, we stayed home (he bunked work, which is unheard of), we caught a cheap movie at the cinema and we exchanged gifts.  He wrote me a letter...and I teared up. His only ever eloquent on paper...I wish that he would have courage to look me in the eye and tell me what he feels-  but he says that when he writes he can really express himself and I get that...

I loved my Valentines Day - In many ways our very first..

On the 1st of March is our wedding anniversary and I don't know if I am ready to celebrate that yet. In my spirit I still don't understand why he married me, if he wanted a different kind of life. So maybe I am not ready yet for that...

Maybe this next year - it will be different :-)

The new woman is a man

At my request, my husband found a new job. Something that challenged him, so that he wouldn't have so much time on his hands  and that was turning out quite nicely until a new guy was hired.

The new guy is who my husband used to be. I see changes happening...everything my husband has worked on, is slowing disappearing. His short temper is coming back, he swears a lot more, the other day he wanted to know if he could go back to pirating movies...

Last year, my husband was really getting into church and was even considering volunteering...the other day I had to hear about - why does he need to join a cult...excuse me???? A cult? Where did that come from...but I thought about it and I realised its all part of the change...the new woman in his life is a man and my husband is only more than willing to share himself with him.

There is nothing for me to do, except handover the situation to God. I can't force my husband to love me, I can't force him to be a good husband and father. What I can do though, is take charge of my own life.

This time next year, I don't want to be sitting next to a swearing, emotionally absent man wondering whether he loves me. The love I have for myself is enough, I will be happier on my own.

For now, the bromance is going full blast...how the heck am I suppose to compete with that...

What do you do if your husband doesn't love you

I haven't visited my blog in a while...as a matter of fact it seems that my last blog date was the 27 November 2012...sounds about right. Things really picked up at work and my marriage seemed to be doing ok...why post? Things are going well - I don't need to write about it...maybe I should just let it go...

Almost to the day 2 months later...I am struggling with something far bigger than my husbands promiscuity...I am battling with the idea that he doesn't love me. I could stay and I have, despite his activities and I have to say - he has stepped in almost every single way...but he never says he loves me.

Its been an ongoing theme for almost a year now...it normally starts with me becoming drastically paranoid over his every glance, his every smile...I mull it over until I am sure his cheating on me...I start asking him indirect questions. I fish for information, because I don't want to confront him in case I am crazy. I suppose I keep thinking...maybe he will just tell me what I need to know without me actually needing to constantly ask him. He very rarely tells me anything...then I start to believe my thoughts...his hiding things from me. His so much more tech savy than me...I don't stand a chance. I am tossed and turned in a sea of jealousy and nausea...until I finally decide that maybe it is just me and he is doing the best he can...and we're fine again until the next time.

The last 7 days the cycle has repeated itself, but this time...the ending is different. I have realised two critical things;

1) My husband avoids us. He works 5 minutes away from me, but kicks up a fuss if I want to have lunch with him. All I am asking for is 1 hour, where we are not constantly distracted by our 18 month old son. When he picks me up from work, we review the day for 15 minutes- we then pick up my son  and head home. From there he is either playing on his phone or his cooking dinner. Then we watch TV until bedtime. And thats our routine, every single night

2) My husband might love me...but its not in the way I need.Wow his amazing at doing things. Two weeks ago, I was working on a tight deadline so I stayed at work - when he surprised me twice with a home cooked meal. He could have stayed home and watch porn, but he came to sit with me until I could go home. He does our budgets and ensures that we pay off everything we need to...he does so many things...but he never says he loves me. We have had two massive fights about this...last week, wasn't massive, but I just let my heart run again and I told him that I am insecure in our marriage. I don't even know whether he loves me romantically. We are very kind to each other...but that's not love. Of course he said nothing...not even "I love you" and thats not good enough for me.

If my husband isn't loving me, than who is he loving? One of the many things that this issue has taught me, is that if my husband isn't being romantic with me, his being romantic with someone else.

Either way you slice it though - I don't want to be in a relationship where it seems that the only time my husband tells me he loves me, is when I am about to leave.

I am not asking for massive displays of affection (although every now and then it would be nice)...all I am asking is that he regularly tells me that he loves and cares for me. If I felt more secure in my marriage, I wouldn't be going around and around in circles fueled by jealousy and doubt.

So now I am starting to feel my resolve weaken - why should I have to fight for my husband to share himself with me? Is that normal for a recovering porn addict? I don't know...all I know, is that despite the amazing progress he has made - all that its done, is put us on the level of a "normal" functioning couple, but there is nothing that sets me apart as someone special in his life.