I listened as the old man, spoke to the young boy beside him...he looked like maybe he was in his late 50's . He spoke about life, marriage and sex.
I don't know what caught my attention at first...I think I recognised the tone before I heard the words. He had loved her, but she didn't love him.
They were high school sweethearts. They got pregnant, got married and had three children before the age of 25. They were both broken and thought the other could save them. Raped and molested, beaten and abused - they ran away together in hopes of finding their happily ever after...but the damage was to great to overcome and the love they had, withered away over the years - they fought about everything. The children, the discipline, the money and the men. She loved men. I leaned closer to hear as he spoke of how she would do anything for these men...he listed them off one hand and as he did, his voice grew gruffer.
I am sure that he wasn't an innocent in all of it and he had done his fair share of betrayal - but his regret stained voice got me thinking that maybe he was like me...betrayed and bereft
I wanted to tell him that maybe she was addicted to the love she thought they gave her. What is it about broken people, that the genuine love of someone isn't as good as the shallow make believe infatuation of strangers?
In his voice I heard old pain...the kind that couldn't quite heal even after all these years. He said that maybe if he had been more vicious with her she would have changed, maybe if he had put his foot down things would be different - but he chose to be soft with her and even now years later, he still wasn't sure that she loved him...not anymore at least.
All they do is fight...still. Decades upon decades of screaming tantrums and constant rejection...
Resigned to the choices he has made, he sighed and told the boy - my son, don't ever be like your father. You want something in life you go after it. You don't allow people to run your life for you. You can't change anybody who doesn't want to change...he spoke of how he tried and tried, but it was never good enough.
Now looking back at his intact failed marriage, I wondered how many of us carry the same fate? When a crises threatens to tear apart your family, do you choose to stay or do you choose to let go? Its an impossible choice, and we make it with the best information we have at the time - but what if you make the wrong one? Do you stand there, grey and aged wishing that if you had more chance you would choose a different kind of life for yourself...
I try to not let the overwhelming unknown push me into a decision that I couldn't live with, but its hard. If it ever came down to it, I really would prefer to be on my own - but its a decision made of out fear and right now I am trying so desperately to be brave. Brave for me, my son and my husband...
I was late for work and I had to leave, but I couldn't help but glance up at the man one more time...his mouth turned down at the corners, head bowed as the weight of his regret crowded him...I wanted to tell him, that he had no way of knowing how things would have turned out and if he left he would have always wondered why he didn't try harder.
sigh...
Maybe the next life will be kinder to the brokenhearted...
Wednesday 31 October 2012
Tuesday 30 October 2012
Strippers
Well, over the weekend there was a bachelors party for one of my husbands colleagues. Luckily on the invite, it indicated that they may be women and my husband decided that it wasn't a good place for him to go and I was really proud of him...
But yesterday was even more interesting - so apparently there was a stripper there and the groom got off his ass drunk. Someone at the bachelors taped the stripper giving this guy a full body dance and then sent it to his fiance...they are due to be married early November. Worse still, is this guy showed my husband the stripper clip.
I am not quite sure how I feel about this yet, but what I do know is that I am proud of him for telling me that he saw this thing. Apparently it was about 10 seconds long and fairly dark, but for a recovering addict, that's enough of a trigger to set you back. I tried to suss out what he thought about it seeing the clip after all the hard work he has been doing and he seemed to think that it was no big deal - I hope he continues to be brave enough to tell me, if it has more of an impact on him than he thought.
Yesterday was a good day because he told me the truth, before I had to discover it for myself and that's AWESOME.
But yesterday was even more interesting - so apparently there was a stripper there and the groom got off his ass drunk. Someone at the bachelors taped the stripper giving this guy a full body dance and then sent it to his fiance...they are due to be married early November. Worse still, is this guy showed my husband the stripper clip.
I am not quite sure how I feel about this yet, but what I do know is that I am proud of him for telling me that he saw this thing. Apparently it was about 10 seconds long and fairly dark, but for a recovering addict, that's enough of a trigger to set you back. I tried to suss out what he thought about it seeing the clip after all the hard work he has been doing and he seemed to think that it was no big deal - I hope he continues to be brave enough to tell me, if it has more of an impact on him than he thought.
Yesterday was a good day because he told me the truth, before I had to discover it for myself and that's AWESOME.
Monday 29 October 2012
Common ground
We have been going around from church to church, trying to find a spiritual home. A place where we would both feel comfortable - not an easy feat since I am heavily pentecostal and my husband was raised Catholic. But if there is one thing I have learnt, is that it doesn't matter if we choose different ways in which to serve the Lord -all that matters, is that we do.
So we have been visiting and I have been growing desperate. October has been a HORRIBLE month. I've been fighting him and I've been fighting me and its all getting a bit much. The other day I was reading my buddys blog and she was chatting about how everything gets worse before it gets better and here I am at the end of October and things are seem to be taking a turn for the interesting.
We found a church last night and at first I was really put out, by all the pretty girls, but ja - whatcha gonna do. The worship was amazing and the minister spoke about how we are all children of God. It doesn't matter what we have done, what we will do - God knew us before we were born and He loves us just the same. It was powerful....then another minister stood up and said the following thing and I felt as if God was sending a message to me. He said:
" Sometimes we are like seeds. We are buried under the ground and we think that this is the end. That its finished - its over. But if we just hang on, we will find that what is waiting for us on the other side is far greater than what we could ever imagine. If we push through, the blessing of God is far greater than what we could hope for".
And that's what my life feels like right now. I feel like I have been buried in deep shit and I am fighting for sunlight. Its cold and its dark and I am holding on to the memory of what I know my God can do. My God has never let me down and He has saved me time and time again - and here I am desperately hoping that not only that my God Saves, but my God Heals.
At the end of the service, my husband said something that I had always hoped for - but never thought possible. He said, if we settle in this church - than he would consider helping out with their tech stuff. My mind was blown. Two years ago, my husband couldn't handle church and now his talking about volunteering - wow!!!
The sunlight is warming the soil and the possibility of what my marriage could be is calling out...
The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty."
Haggai 2:9
So we have been visiting and I have been growing desperate. October has been a HORRIBLE month. I've been fighting him and I've been fighting me and its all getting a bit much. The other day I was reading my buddys blog and she was chatting about how everything gets worse before it gets better and here I am at the end of October and things are seem to be taking a turn for the interesting.
We found a church last night and at first I was really put out, by all the pretty girls, but ja - whatcha gonna do. The worship was amazing and the minister spoke about how we are all children of God. It doesn't matter what we have done, what we will do - God knew us before we were born and He loves us just the same. It was powerful....then another minister stood up and said the following thing and I felt as if God was sending a message to me. He said:
" Sometimes we are like seeds. We are buried under the ground and we think that this is the end. That its finished - its over. But if we just hang on, we will find that what is waiting for us on the other side is far greater than what we could ever imagine. If we push through, the blessing of God is far greater than what we could hope for".
And that's what my life feels like right now. I feel like I have been buried in deep shit and I am fighting for sunlight. Its cold and its dark and I am holding on to the memory of what I know my God can do. My God has never let me down and He has saved me time and time again - and here I am desperately hoping that not only that my God Saves, but my God Heals.
At the end of the service, my husband said something that I had always hoped for - but never thought possible. He said, if we settle in this church - than he would consider helping out with their tech stuff. My mind was blown. Two years ago, my husband couldn't handle church and now his talking about volunteering - wow!!!
The sunlight is warming the soil and the possibility of what my marriage could be is calling out...
The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty."
Haggai 2:9
Wednesday 24 October 2012
YOLO FATTY
My weight is a problem...I keep getting into these days when I look at my fat ass and in my head - I am like WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE. I am inspired for a day and then I let momentum slip through my fingers.
When am I am finally going to get it?? I need to exercise consistently and watch what I am eating - its a lifestyle and not a diet. If I want to be the better version of myself that exists in my head, then I need work at it.
I spent time with mom over the weekend...she has hired a maid, because she struggles to walk for more than 15 minutes. She thinks she weighs 200kgs, but she isn't sure because she thinks no scale can get up to her number. We would need an industrial scale to find out how heavy my mom is...
On saturday, 3am in damn morning - crying because my husband is an asshole, I weighed myself. 116kgs. Thats how much I weighed when I was at full term with my baby - AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
I am HUGE. It depresses me, but when am I going to hit rock bottom? I see what I can become and I don't want that. I want play with my kids, be sexy for myself and be sexy for my partner. These days I struggle with feeling in my legs when I sit. Its really bad. It goes totally lame if I sit with my leg crooked for a little bit, what the heck is that. I feel old and rickety. Oh how I miss the glory days of hip hop dancing.
I have started walking in my lunch times. Its hard to do it when I get home and I have let that be an excuse for to long ;-( So I now have my takkies with me and I go for a walk. I worry about stinking though. I am not running or anything, but a good pace definitely provides a "glow".
Today I weighed myself again and I am weighing in at 113.3kgs.
I don't understand why I weigh more in the afternoon than I do in the morning...anyways. So I am going to try and start small - just going for a walk during lunchtime and see what happens. Take it easy and just committ to baby steps...
p.s Apparently his moving desks. He won't be with Cheryl anymore - his going back to sitting with guys and by all accounts, the guy next him is a real jerk. I like it though, because it means that my husband will think twice of getting into weird shit with someone watching...
When am I am finally going to get it?? I need to exercise consistently and watch what I am eating - its a lifestyle and not a diet. If I want to be the better version of myself that exists in my head, then I need work at it.
I spent time with mom over the weekend...she has hired a maid, because she struggles to walk for more than 15 minutes. She thinks she weighs 200kgs, but she isn't sure because she thinks no scale can get up to her number. We would need an industrial scale to find out how heavy my mom is...
On saturday, 3am in damn morning - crying because my husband is an asshole, I weighed myself. 116kgs. Thats how much I weighed when I was at full term with my baby - AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
I am HUGE. It depresses me, but when am I going to hit rock bottom? I see what I can become and I don't want that. I want play with my kids, be sexy for myself and be sexy for my partner. These days I struggle with feeling in my legs when I sit. Its really bad. It goes totally lame if I sit with my leg crooked for a little bit, what the heck is that. I feel old and rickety. Oh how I miss the glory days of hip hop dancing.
I have started walking in my lunch times. Its hard to do it when I get home and I have let that be an excuse for to long ;-( So I now have my takkies with me and I go for a walk. I worry about stinking though. I am not running or anything, but a good pace definitely provides a "glow".
Today I weighed myself again and I am weighing in at 113.3kgs.
I don't understand why I weigh more in the afternoon than I do in the morning...anyways. So I am going to try and start small - just going for a walk during lunchtime and see what happens. Take it easy and just committ to baby steps...
p.s Apparently his moving desks. He won't be with Cheryl anymore - his going back to sitting with guys and by all accounts, the guy next him is a real jerk. I like it though, because it means that my husband will think twice of getting into weird shit with someone watching...
Tuesday 23 October 2012
Free e-cards
Yesterday, my husband sent me a free e-card. I stared at my inbox confused as my heart skipped a beat. He sent me something...he thought of me at point during his day and sent me something to show for it...that hasn't happended in a looong time.
I followed the link and the most shmaltzy thing I have ever seen leaped at me..definitely outside of his comfort zone. It was on par with getting a greeting card and but the only thing of him on that card was his sign off "Mwah"...elated at first - I went from there to spitting mad in a split second. I raged in my own head about how many other e-cards he could have sent out to other women?? It wasn't personal enough, it wasn't good enough...but then I reminded myself that this was big step for him. His so entrenched in his own selfishness that its a big deal for him to send me something...anything remotely emotional. And for that reason alone, I allowed myself to just accept it for what it was. A first step possibily to something greater...still mad at him for dickdom, but understanding that it was a now or never moment, I sent him one back to say thank you.
Yesterday, in car we spoke about this asshole who ran away from home because he was having problems in his marriage. This jackass faked his own high jacking, had the country looking for him - only for him to admit that he was struggling in his marriage and he wanted to see what his wife would do - then preceeded to sms his 15 year old daughter "Help hijacked" and left his car in the middle of nowhere - his now on the run from the police, because they want to arrest him for perjury. My husband casually included into the conversation, that he doesn't understand why men hurt their own families like this. Why don't men realise that the decisions they make hurt the ones they love ...they understand the toll it takes on the families..his backhanded way of apologising for the hurt his caused...his become a master at those.
He sent one again today -an e-card with an actual sentence from him saying that I was the most precious thing to him in the whole world. Maybe he did get it after all? You don't need money to say you care... Well we'll see if this is just some sort of temporary appeasement or will he be able to make this as part of his communication style with me.
I hope it is...right now a free-e card is all that stands between us the unknown.
I wonder if I'll get one tomorrow...I would like that...
I followed the link and the most shmaltzy thing I have ever seen leaped at me..definitely outside of his comfort zone. It was on par with getting a greeting card and but the only thing of him on that card was his sign off "Mwah"...elated at first - I went from there to spitting mad in a split second. I raged in my own head about how many other e-cards he could have sent out to other women?? It wasn't personal enough, it wasn't good enough...but then I reminded myself that this was big step for him. His so entrenched in his own selfishness that its a big deal for him to send me something...anything remotely emotional. And for that reason alone, I allowed myself to just accept it for what it was. A first step possibily to something greater...still mad at him for dickdom, but understanding that it was a now or never moment, I sent him one back to say thank you.
Yesterday, in car we spoke about this asshole who ran away from home because he was having problems in his marriage. This jackass faked his own high jacking, had the country looking for him - only for him to admit that he was struggling in his marriage and he wanted to see what his wife would do - then preceeded to sms his 15 year old daughter "Help hijacked" and left his car in the middle of nowhere - his now on the run from the police, because they want to arrest him for perjury. My husband casually included into the conversation, that he doesn't understand why men hurt their own families like this. Why don't men realise that the decisions they make hurt the ones they love ...they understand the toll it takes on the families..his backhanded way of apologising for the hurt his caused...his become a master at those.
He sent one again today -an e-card with an actual sentence from him saying that I was the most precious thing to him in the whole world. Maybe he did get it after all? You don't need money to say you care... Well we'll see if this is just some sort of temporary appeasement or will he be able to make this as part of his communication style with me.
I hope it is...right now a free-e card is all that stands between us the unknown.
I wonder if I'll get one tomorrow...I would like that...
Monday 22 October 2012
Blow me
"Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" - by Pink
White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clenched shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and they burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold,
But there's nothing to grasp so I let go
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (NO!)
Have you had a shit day? (NO!), we've had a shit day (NO!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
I won't miss all of the fighting that we always did,
Take it in, I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left
No more sick whiskey dick, no more battles for me
You'll be calling a trick, 'cause you'll no longer sleep
I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone
I will laugh, I'll get drunk, I'll take somebody home
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Blow me one last kiss
Blow me one last kiss
I will do what I please, anything that I want
I will breathe, I will breathe, I won't worry at all
You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the why's, will all be crystal clear
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Clenched shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and they burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold,
But there's nothing to grasp so I let go
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (NO!)
Have you had a shit day? (NO!), we've had a shit day (NO!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
I won't miss all of the fighting that we always did,
Take it in, I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left
No more sick whiskey dick, no more battles for me
You'll be calling a trick, 'cause you'll no longer sleep
I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone
I will laugh, I'll get drunk, I'll take somebody home
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Blow me one last kiss
Blow me one last kiss
I will do what I please, anything that I want
I will breathe, I will breathe, I won't worry at all
You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the why's, will all be crystal clear
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
To be passionately pursued
I have been spiralling. I keep looking at Abigails picture like she's a terrorist and I need to find her and destroy her. I can feel the bitterness tighten and tighten deep inside...I joined a chat group, because I was convinced that my husband was on it. This time I didn't punk out and got the guy to send me his picture...definitely not my husband...I felt so shitty about it that I explained that I am in fact not looking for someone to hookup with and that I thought he was my husband blah blah blah I am so sorry etc etc...I then kept on apologising like a crazy woman and I wondered why? Why couldn't I just delete the account..and then I realised its because he was paying me attention and it was dangerous. I soaked it up like a sun starved eskimo and it put me in a tailspin. I apologised one more time like a stuck record and then I went for a drive.What the hell was I doing - up to now my hands have been clean, I struck up a report with internet guy in hopes of revealing my husband, but now that I knew it wasn't him - I was in quicksand, liable to lose the moral high ground.
I wondered what wrong in my relationship with my husband - why do I keep thinking his cheating on me still? Why do I keep going round and round in circles...and I realised its because my husband is not showing me love the way I need him to. His not speaking my language. I desperately need him to be overwhelming passionate about me. I need him to TELL ME how much he cares, how much I mean to him. He has words for all these other woman, but no words for me. He buys me things and does things to show me that he cares, but I don't want things - all I want is him. I want him to share himself with me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me that I am his universe and that he would be lost without me. I want him to passionately declare himself to me and court me all over again and thats exactly what I told him...he then got angry with me. I told him that I feel rejected and unloved and he said how is it possible, when he does so many things for me...I said I appreciate all that his done, but its not what I need. Its not enough -
He was angry with me, because I needed him to speak to me...he says I keep changing things and that I am always finding something wrong with him.
That was on Thursday...on Saturday we had a shouting match. I told him that he has all these words, for all his women but he has none for me. He shouted that he would have said anything to sleep with them and I told him that his not getting the point. I don't care what he told them...what I care about is that he had a commnuication plan for these women. He wanted them and he went after them- Where is my plan? Why can't he tell me things, when he obviously has no problem talking to women...where is his passionate persuit of me? Its not enough that he does things, I need him to talk to me. We shouted at each for the next 20 minutes - me begging him to understand what I need, and him defensive what he percieved as a critism and not a cry for help. He told me that I need put my self in his shoes and understand he is has been trying and how must he feel when his been doing all these things...he even said, that maybe he should stop making me breakfast and do this instead. And thats when I finally understood - I understood that maybe I am asking him to do something that he doesn't feel. I am asking him to be passionate about me, but he can't be because thats not how he feels. He hides behind doing things like doing all the chores, making me breakfast...its all stuff, but never him.
I asked him to think about how he loves me. Does he love me like a lover or like a friend.
Its our engagement all over again. I have always felt that I pushed him into it - and to this day he says I didn't. I remember issuing an ultimatum and funny enough after he proposed - maybe two/three weeks later he found himself a prostitute. Maybe I should have just let go...and here I am again, but I won't make the same mistake twice...
I told him that I have one more thing to say and this will be end of it - I want him to note and remember that there once was a time in our marriage when I fought and begged him to share himself with me. He apologised for shouting and then that was it. He surprised me with ice-cream later. I would have been happier with a hug. Argument over.
Yesterday I went for a drive to sea and I watched a small little bird battle against the winds. Her wings pumped furiously, trying to make headway - but she stayed on exactly the same spot. She kept on trying, but the winds were to strong. Didn't she know that she was fighting against something bigger than her? Maybe she should just stop and wait for the winds to die down and try again.
I don't want to have to fight with my husband to get him to love me.
p.s. I deleted the account with internet guy - even now when things are not looking good - my marriage won't fail because I didn't try my best.
I wondered what wrong in my relationship with my husband - why do I keep thinking his cheating on me still? Why do I keep going round and round in circles...and I realised its because my husband is not showing me love the way I need him to. His not speaking my language. I desperately need him to be overwhelming passionate about me. I need him to TELL ME how much he cares, how much I mean to him. He has words for all these other woman, but no words for me. He buys me things and does things to show me that he cares, but I don't want things - all I want is him. I want him to share himself with me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me that I am his universe and that he would be lost without me. I want him to passionately declare himself to me and court me all over again and thats exactly what I told him...he then got angry with me. I told him that I feel rejected and unloved and he said how is it possible, when he does so many things for me...I said I appreciate all that his done, but its not what I need. Its not enough -
He was angry with me, because I needed him to speak to me...he says I keep changing things and that I am always finding something wrong with him.
That was on Thursday...on Saturday we had a shouting match. I told him that he has all these words, for all his women but he has none for me. He shouted that he would have said anything to sleep with them and I told him that his not getting the point. I don't care what he told them...what I care about is that he had a commnuication plan for these women. He wanted them and he went after them- Where is my plan? Why can't he tell me things, when he obviously has no problem talking to women...where is his passionate persuit of me? Its not enough that he does things, I need him to talk to me. We shouted at each for the next 20 minutes - me begging him to understand what I need, and him defensive what he percieved as a critism and not a cry for help. He told me that I need put my self in his shoes and understand he is has been trying and how must he feel when his been doing all these things...he even said, that maybe he should stop making me breakfast and do this instead. And thats when I finally understood - I understood that maybe I am asking him to do something that he doesn't feel. I am asking him to be passionate about me, but he can't be because thats not how he feels. He hides behind doing things like doing all the chores, making me breakfast...its all stuff, but never him.
I asked him to think about how he loves me. Does he love me like a lover or like a friend.
Its our engagement all over again. I have always felt that I pushed him into it - and to this day he says I didn't. I remember issuing an ultimatum and funny enough after he proposed - maybe two/three weeks later he found himself a prostitute. Maybe I should have just let go...and here I am again, but I won't make the same mistake twice...
I told him that I have one more thing to say and this will be end of it - I want him to note and remember that there once was a time in our marriage when I fought and begged him to share himself with me. He apologised for shouting and then that was it. He surprised me with ice-cream later. I would have been happier with a hug. Argument over.
Yesterday I went for a drive to sea and I watched a small little bird battle against the winds. Her wings pumped furiously, trying to make headway - but she stayed on exactly the same spot. She kept on trying, but the winds were to strong. Didn't she know that she was fighting against something bigger than her? Maybe she should just stop and wait for the winds to die down and try again.
I don't want to have to fight with my husband to get him to love me.
p.s. I deleted the account with internet guy - even now when things are not looking good - my marriage won't fail because I didn't try my best.
Thursday 18 October 2012
Tuesday 16 October 2012
Should I tell her husband?
I have been stalking Abigail (miss abby jacobs) on facebook. She is so damn ugly, that it offends me. Seriously - if he had to cheat, couldn't he have picked someone pretty? Instead, her profile pic is of her in her bra, with dark circles around her eyes looking like a damn chubby raccoon.
Why do men affair down??
So lately I have been tossing this delicious thought back and forth - befriend the husband, make nice and then tell him how amazing he is for forgiving her for the affair. What an great man he is, to still kiss the same lips that possibily caressed another mans dick. What a phenominal saint to take back a woman who spread her legs for a relative stranger, in the company meeting room no less. I wish that there more men like him out there in the world...and then act all shocked when he says, that he didn't know a damn thing...and purr at the knowledge that she is going to have to explain herself to someone that she promised loyalty to...
I want to destroy everything she has. Everything she has worked hard for...but when I am not out for blood, I think of this man. I don't him and he doesn't know me, but we are linked because our partners did. Can I do this to him - hurt him in order to hurt her? Does he deserve this kind of pain? If she is still sleeping around, he deserves to know what his married to. I hold his future in my hands...
I couldn't live with the pain I caused someone else, unless I knew deep down that it was for the best and in all honesty I don't know...
But the thought of the havoc it will cause eases the pain...its me at my most vindictive. She deserves everything she gets...
What would you do? Would you tell?
Why do men affair down??
So lately I have been tossing this delicious thought back and forth - befriend the husband, make nice and then tell him how amazing he is for forgiving her for the affair. What an great man he is, to still kiss the same lips that possibily caressed another mans dick. What a phenominal saint to take back a woman who spread her legs for a relative stranger, in the company meeting room no less. I wish that there more men like him out there in the world...and then act all shocked when he says, that he didn't know a damn thing...and purr at the knowledge that she is going to have to explain herself to someone that she promised loyalty to...
I want to destroy everything she has. Everything she has worked hard for...but when I am not out for blood, I think of this man. I don't him and he doesn't know me, but we are linked because our partners did. Can I do this to him - hurt him in order to hurt her? Does he deserve this kind of pain? If she is still sleeping around, he deserves to know what his married to. I hold his future in my hands...
I couldn't live with the pain I caused someone else, unless I knew deep down that it was for the best and in all honesty I don't know...
But the thought of the havoc it will cause eases the pain...its me at my most vindictive. She deserves everything she gets...
What would you do? Would you tell?
Thursday 11 October 2012
Abigail month
So his birthday week is almost over (he turned 28 on Tuesday). I got him a new leather wallet and then I cooked a serious breakfast, serious dinner, yummy chocolate cake and then took him out to the movies.
I did my best and he seemed okay - but in the middle of day, via slip of the tongue he referred back to his old work place, where he had his first marital affair. He hastily said, wow, I don't why I did that...and because it was his birthday I let it go but in my freaking head I just knew...
Every birthday its his chance to relive his affair with Abigail. Thats when he said things started happening with them. She was on his mind and that what he was doing.
No matter what I do - no matter how many dinner parties and TVs I buy him, it will never be good enough because October is Abigail month. Its fucking humiliating how I try my best for him, to make him feel awesome and then to know it all pales in comparison that whatever Abigail was giving up was better than my love.
What a dick...
I did my best and he seemed okay - but in the middle of day, via slip of the tongue he referred back to his old work place, where he had his first marital affair. He hastily said, wow, I don't why I did that...and because it was his birthday I let it go but in my freaking head I just knew...
Every birthday its his chance to relive his affair with Abigail. Thats when he said things started happening with them. She was on his mind and that what he was doing.
No matter what I do - no matter how many dinner parties and TVs I buy him, it will never be good enough because October is Abigail month. Its fucking humiliating how I try my best for him, to make him feel awesome and then to know it all pales in comparison that whatever Abigail was giving up was better than my love.
What a dick...
Tuesday 9 October 2012
Cheryl
He came home last night and told me that they have moved him away from his all male office in which his computer was open to anyone who wished to walk by and instead now enjoys his own desk, pc hidden from view....next door to young coloured girl. Cheryl is her name.
I am blogging because I want to remember the first day I heard her name. I wonder what will come out of it?
I am blogging because I want to remember the first day I heard her name. I wonder what will come out of it?
Monday 8 October 2012
“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past”
“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past”. — Lily Tomlin
I was ignored and abused. Second best, second place always.
It took a working of the Holy Spirit to remove the knife from my hand.
I won't go back there...not for him, not for anyone.
I have forgiven all that I can
those who should have protected me but betrayed me,
I closed my eye against indulging hate and followed a higher calling...
It took years of reconditioning and genuinely dilligently following God
until one day I woke up and it was all gone.
The pain
The fear
The tears
I came to terms with my past and my future was indeed a brighter for this
Will it happen again if I forgive now and forge ahead?
When will I decide, finally,...that I can not change what has happended and by reliving it all
I can not hope to change it...
The past is yesterday, tomorrow is yet to be decided
ALL I HAVE IS NOW AND I CAN LIVE WITH THAT
When darkness fights the light
Its all coming to a head, I am drowning in my conviction that my marriage is over and my life would be better without him. My cravings to go check out some porn is raising its ugly head and the bitterness in my spirit spills over in my glances and tone...
We were meant to go to church last weekend, but I was to tired. Yesterday, I just felt this overwhelming feeling that I didn't want to go to church even though the day before I organised for my folks to take my baby. I told myself that I should...so I started doing my hair and my flat iron broke...now my hair is awesomely curly, but it broke directly after I only did half my head - so afro one side and flat the other and thats when I knew...the devil is roaming around like lion looking for whom he can devour...and I decided even if I have to go church looking like a thug, I am putting my pride in my pocket and I am going and when I got to church I realised why the devil was trying to stop me...
Over the last weeks, a consistent theme in my head is that I know I can't trust my husband, and if his saying that I can't even trust my intuition - than I have no-one and I can't stay in a marriage like that. Within 5 minutes of walking into that church, God convicted me. How can I say that that I have no-one to trust, when God has been so faithful to me. Why do I lean on my own understanding, has God not shown me that He has always been there for me and has guided me, when I was stumbling in the darkness. Why do I place my faith in my husband and myself and then crumble when we fall short - my faith should be placed in God alone.
Hows this for weird -The sermon was around, why do we try and save ourselves - that Gods job.
And thats what I have been doing - I have been trying to save myself. The humiliation of being duped has left its scar and I am scambling to not let it happen again - but the truth is God showed me the last time - He led me into the valley, when it was the right time. I need to have faith that He will do so again, because I can't keep going on my own strength. This is to big for me.
We had communion and I recommitted myself to God. The minister reminded us that we each need to take up our cross and follow him. We need to die to ourselves in order for souls and the generations after us to be saved...is this my sacrifice? If I hang on and believe in Him despite myself and all my husbands betrayal, will we realise the plans that God has for us? I must never forget that my God is a good God and He will guide me and lead me home. My God has never let me down....
We were meant to go to church last weekend, but I was to tired. Yesterday, I just felt this overwhelming feeling that I didn't want to go to church even though the day before I organised for my folks to take my baby. I told myself that I should...so I started doing my hair and my flat iron broke...now my hair is awesomely curly, but it broke directly after I only did half my head - so afro one side and flat the other and thats when I knew...the devil is roaming around like lion looking for whom he can devour...and I decided even if I have to go church looking like a thug, I am putting my pride in my pocket and I am going and when I got to church I realised why the devil was trying to stop me...
Over the last weeks, a consistent theme in my head is that I know I can't trust my husband, and if his saying that I can't even trust my intuition - than I have no-one and I can't stay in a marriage like that. Within 5 minutes of walking into that church, God convicted me. How can I say that that I have no-one to trust, when God has been so faithful to me. Why do I lean on my own understanding, has God not shown me that He has always been there for me and has guided me, when I was stumbling in the darkness. Why do I place my faith in my husband and myself and then crumble when we fall short - my faith should be placed in God alone.
Hows this for weird -The sermon was around, why do we try and save ourselves - that Gods job.
And thats what I have been doing - I have been trying to save myself. The humiliation of being duped has left its scar and I am scambling to not let it happen again - but the truth is God showed me the last time - He led me into the valley, when it was the right time. I need to have faith that He will do so again, because I can't keep going on my own strength. This is to big for me.
We had communion and I recommitted myself to God. The minister reminded us that we each need to take up our cross and follow him. We need to die to ourselves in order for souls and the generations after us to be saved...is this my sacrifice? If I hang on and believe in Him despite myself and all my husbands betrayal, will we realise the plans that God has for us? I must never forget that my God is a good God and He will guide me and lead me home. My God has never let me down....
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs3:5-6
Sunday 7 October 2012
unravelling
Friday I walked into a local bookstore and for the first time in a long time, the Mills and Boon display got its hooks into me.It literally took my breathe away. my desire to buy some was immediate and powerful, so much so that i actually felt myself taking a step back. the last time i felt this way was when i first stopped reading.
am i about to unravel?
am i about to unravel?
How much can you fake?
He softly kissed my lips and I wondered how many times he kissed me while he pretended I was someone else.
Women can fake orgasms, but men fake whole relationships- Sharon Stone
Friday 5 October 2012
For those who don't believe no proof is possible
For those who believe no proof is necessary.
For those who don't believe no proof is possible
Stuart Close
I need to email Tammy the counsellor today and let her know, we will be following up on one of the resources she gave us. A connection to possible support groups for couples like us...stuck in the middle of hell.
During our last conversation with Tammy, she asked me the question if there is anything my husband could do to help me even start believing in him again and I was literally at a loss for words. I think she thought that I simply had no ideas on how my husband could help me...but the truth is, I have explored them all and none of it is good enough for me anymore.
In that peculiar moment of silence between question and answer, I realised that there is nothing he can do.NOT A DAMN THING.
I second guess every look, every smile. Yesterday, I heard footsteps come up the stairs at work and pathetically and invanely I had hoped that it was him. Of course it wasn't...I have began to believe the worst of him as my default setting and even though its a sad place to be, its got to be better than sitting in the sun while a bird shits on your face right?
I have wandered into the land of the unbeliever and because I am not as practiced as he with the deciet, I find that I am incapable of manufacturing a loving touch or soft smile, when all I can think is " You bastard, I wonder who you fucked today". Sometimes his voice softens with hurt, at my dismissive glance and uninterested tone...a small part of me feels sad for him, but an even bigger part rejoices at scoring one for the team. The rejection he feels is nothing compared to the searing feeling of humiliation, when he told me that while he tried to finger fuck the work colleague in their boardroom, he still had his wedding band on. Is nothing sacred anymore?
I don't know when I made my decision to pull back - it just slowly started happening. He feels it and suddenly all he can talk about is christmas and family time, holidays and our son. He knows that in my heart, my one foot is out the door and it kills him that he doesn't know how to stop it.
Well I am dying to... I am waiting for the final death blow and in the legendary words of my childhood gams...one day I will awake and I will know that its time to "Finish Him" - mortal kombat style!
Wednesday 3 October 2012
Take another piece of my heart - Beverly Knight
I am waiting for my heart to be so broken that I am incapable of feeling anything for him. Maybe then I can stay in marriage...
Song of the day:
Take Another Piece of my heart:
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man -yeah!
Didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.
I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh, yes indeed.
You're out on the streets looking good,
And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night,
Babe, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.
I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.
I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, c'mon now.
oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby.
You know you got it -whoahhhhh!!
Take it!
Take it! Take another little piece of my heart.
Song of the day:
Take Another Piece of my heart:
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man -yeah!
Didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.
I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh, yes indeed.
You're out on the streets looking good,
And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night,
Babe, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.
I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.
I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, c'mon now.
oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby.
You know you got it -whoahhhhh!!
Take it!
Take it! Take another little piece of my heart.
HURT
I keep waiting...
waiting for my heart to stop hurting
waiting for my tears to not fall so readily
I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and I will believe him when he says his been faithful...
I keep praying to God, to show me what it is that I am meant to do...
I grow tired of all this waiting, hoping and praying.
What will be left of me, after all of its said and done?
I HURT.
waiting for my heart to stop hurting
waiting for my tears to not fall so readily
I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and I will believe him when he says his been faithful...
I keep praying to God, to show me what it is that I am meant to do...
I grow tired of all this waiting, hoping and praying.
What will be left of me, after all of its said and done?
I HURT.
Monday 1 October 2012
Middle aged crazy lady
So hubby, baby and I are waiting for the elevator to arrive in a swarming shopping mall. Despite the desperateness of our situation, we are having a good day. As we start moving closer and closer to the elevator, a strident angry female voice is heard. "I didn't say it...you said...I don't have to anything I don't want to do"...I looked for the source of such anger and settled on a middle aged woman. In a snapshot I saw her sneering face, his defensive posture,the daughter looking uncomfortable and I thought...I wonder what he did...
It wasn't to long ago that I would have automatically have felt sorry for the man. Shame, to have such a harridan for a wife. Poor thing, how does he cope...
But now, my first thought is...I wonder what he did to deserve it, because clearly he must have done something to deserve it. Unknowing of any fact, I immediately side with her. You go girl! Tell him off - must be asshole jerk face...they all are.
For a moment, I thought I should feel guilty about my bias - but I realised that perhaps I have just grown up. All those times I saw women look daggers at their husband, seemingly unnecessarily sharp and sounding a tinge rageful - I would think hell woman calm down. Stop bullying your husband like that...but now I know different. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. There is a lot of "mistakes" that can be made when you have married for a while and maybe she is just sick of it. She can't bring herself to leave, but neither can she believe that she actually stayed. Bitter about the self imposed sacrifice, she lashes out - impatient with him and hurting at the memories of a time when he took her loyality for granted.
This is how it ends...there is no fairytale ending. Just a life filled with trying to make it work.
It wasn't to long ago that I would have automatically have felt sorry for the man. Shame, to have such a harridan for a wife. Poor thing, how does he cope...
But now, my first thought is...I wonder what he did to deserve it, because clearly he must have done something to deserve it. Unknowing of any fact, I immediately side with her. You go girl! Tell him off - must be asshole jerk face...they all are.
For a moment, I thought I should feel guilty about my bias - but I realised that perhaps I have just grown up. All those times I saw women look daggers at their husband, seemingly unnecessarily sharp and sounding a tinge rageful - I would think hell woman calm down. Stop bullying your husband like that...but now I know different. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. There is a lot of "mistakes" that can be made when you have married for a while and maybe she is just sick of it. She can't bring herself to leave, but neither can she believe that she actually stayed. Bitter about the self imposed sacrifice, she lashes out - impatient with him and hurting at the memories of a time when he took her loyality for granted.
This is how it ends...there is no fairytale ending. Just a life filled with trying to make it work.
Conversations with Tammy
So Saturday,we dropped off our little bundle of joy at my moms place and off we went to our first session with Tammy.
We've kinda gone through counselling before with a pastor and it really helped - but the pastor was all about the actions and not the feelings and I realised on Saturday that this is a massive gap for me. I don't have an understanding of my husbands journey, because I don't understand how his feeling and therefore because I don't know, I fill in the gaps myself. I search and search to fill the void and then when I find something that I believe is evidence of his douchebaggery, I cling to it - because its all I have...right or wrong.
We confirmed that we need tools to move forward. We are at an impasse - I can't trust him and he feels like his being monitored. We spoke about our respective histories - nothing new there - but something really caught on for me as we spoke about the journey of our relationship...we spoke about our ages when we met - he was 18 and I was 20 and to hear someone else say out loud - "So you were both very young when you started your relationship" - just for some reason brought it home for me, that perhaps we were to young. He was bound to change as we all do. How many times have I told my cousins not to get married to young - people don't know who they are or what they want before they are 25 years old. I should have taken my own advice.
Second - I have begun to doubt his addiction theory. It could be because I have not walked the full recovery process with him and therefore I don't have the full picture - but I am beginning to think that while he has had copious amounts of porn around - I think it spured him on initially but after he got the taste of seeking out different women, it was about the expierience of experiencing different women and not seeking out for sexual gratification.
When we met, he had only 1 girlfriend...a long distance girfriend, whom by his accout he kissed once and touched her boobs and that was it. Then I came along and I became the sum of his entire physical sexual history. He then starts to watch an incredible amount of porn as he gets older and when the opportunity presented itself, he sought out a prostitute...and after that there was no stopping him. Older and a lot more sure of himself, he realised that he could get more women than his 15 year old self way back in the day. Thinking he would never get caught, he figured whats the harm - its just for fun. Without any moral standpoint or relationship with God, this was all to easy a choice to make. This could explain why he seemingly could change his behaviour in matter of months...he went cold turkey and apparently according to him, all he had to do was stop...now I have never heard of a true addict that could just stop. I understand addicts will try to stop and sometimes they are successful, but it can be a struggle. I never got a hint of a struggle with him. Was he just trying to minimize the damage? Possibly...
Maybe the truth is my husband isn't a porn addict, maybe his just an asshole who thought he could get away with cheating.
At the end of the session, the counsellor said that to end off we should acknowledge something about each other that we like. I couldn't do it...I felt bad about it, but I just couldn't do it. I could have told him what a great dad he is...I could have told him that he does well the husband role of bringing home the bacon...but between a man and woman, he has brought me nothing but pain and misery.
She gave us a contact details for a local support group and we will be going. I wonder what we will find...
We've kinda gone through counselling before with a pastor and it really helped - but the pastor was all about the actions and not the feelings and I realised on Saturday that this is a massive gap for me. I don't have an understanding of my husbands journey, because I don't understand how his feeling and therefore because I don't know, I fill in the gaps myself. I search and search to fill the void and then when I find something that I believe is evidence of his douchebaggery, I cling to it - because its all I have...right or wrong.
We confirmed that we need tools to move forward. We are at an impasse - I can't trust him and he feels like his being monitored. We spoke about our respective histories - nothing new there - but something really caught on for me as we spoke about the journey of our relationship...we spoke about our ages when we met - he was 18 and I was 20 and to hear someone else say out loud - "So you were both very young when you started your relationship" - just for some reason brought it home for me, that perhaps we were to young. He was bound to change as we all do. How many times have I told my cousins not to get married to young - people don't know who they are or what they want before they are 25 years old. I should have taken my own advice.
Second - I have begun to doubt his addiction theory. It could be because I have not walked the full recovery process with him and therefore I don't have the full picture - but I am beginning to think that while he has had copious amounts of porn around - I think it spured him on initially but after he got the taste of seeking out different women, it was about the expierience of experiencing different women and not seeking out for sexual gratification.
When we met, he had only 1 girlfriend...a long distance girfriend, whom by his accout he kissed once and touched her boobs and that was it. Then I came along and I became the sum of his entire physical sexual history. He then starts to watch an incredible amount of porn as he gets older and when the opportunity presented itself, he sought out a prostitute...and after that there was no stopping him. Older and a lot more sure of himself, he realised that he could get more women than his 15 year old self way back in the day. Thinking he would never get caught, he figured whats the harm - its just for fun. Without any moral standpoint or relationship with God, this was all to easy a choice to make. This could explain why he seemingly could change his behaviour in matter of months...he went cold turkey and apparently according to him, all he had to do was stop...now I have never heard of a true addict that could just stop. I understand addicts will try to stop and sometimes they are successful, but it can be a struggle. I never got a hint of a struggle with him. Was he just trying to minimize the damage? Possibly...
Maybe the truth is my husband isn't a porn addict, maybe his just an asshole who thought he could get away with cheating.
At the end of the session, the counsellor said that to end off we should acknowledge something about each other that we like. I couldn't do it...I felt bad about it, but I just couldn't do it. I could have told him what a great dad he is...I could have told him that he does well the husband role of bringing home the bacon...but between a man and woman, he has brought me nothing but pain and misery.
She gave us a contact details for a local support group and we will be going. I wonder what we will find...
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