Fear infested waters

Tomorrow I go back to work after 3 months of maternity leave and all I can say is "THANK YOU GOD", for bringing me through.

My husbands' infidelities came to light when I was 7 months pregnant. The pain and misery would have killed me, but somehow God held me in the palm of His hand and protected me and my unborn son. I was so worried, that the stress would somehow mess up his development - but his a perfect beautiful baby boy. Thank you Jesus.

There were days, when for fleeting moments when I thought it would be easier just to end my life. These thoughts were just as quickly dismissed as I knew my self worth and the worth of my son was far greater than my circumstances. Thank you God.

Moments turned into hours of bitterly crying. I cried and cried until my nose was numb from wiping and my eyes were rung dry. Feeling alone,rejected and unloved, I remembered that He said he would never leave me, nor forsake me - oh how I am so undeserving  Your mercy and grace. I had left to worship at his alter, when I promised You my heart. How great is Thy faithfulness...

I was drowning in fear infested waters and you said, if I trust You...if only I believe - You will bring me through. Fear held me by the ankles and pulled and tugged me under. It nipped at my heels and grazed my belly. Drowning, falling, fading into darkness- you pulled me out - Thank you God.

In the cold depths of my despair, Your Spirit comforted me. Held me close, stroked my hair, said it will be okay,to trust in the plans You have for me. Blinded by my tears, I closed my eyes and listened to Your voice. Oh how sweet the sound....Your Holy Spirit has walked with me and comforted me, reminding me of who I am.  

I am the daughter of the great I AM. 

Sorry Daddy, for neglecting our relationship - Thank for loving me through it all. You heard my prayer and answered my call - without you I am nothing. I was lost and drowning in the inky blackness of the night - You grabbed me around the waist, lifted me up towards the horizon and showed me the coming light. 

Thank God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for all You have done.

Amen.

Dear asshole

There have been some terrible moments over the last couple of months,  that are so painful I can't even bear to say it out loud...

4.Listening to you, while you were having dream sex with someone else. 

3.Last valentines day, I had to work in a different city. I made such an     idiot out of myself dedicating songs to you over facebook, telling everyone who cared to listen how amazing you were. You called me, to say you loved me to. Realising now that when you put the phone down - you had online sex with someone else.

2.Finally embracing the fact that my husband will cheat, manipulate and lie with no remorse.

But you know what the worst was?

1.Lying alone in my hospital bed,tubes sticking of me- unable to move and softly weeping in the dark - wondering whether you were with your mistress. I had never felt so

ALONE 

and so  

 UNLOVED. 

I will never tell you this, because 

I have my pride.

The plastic surgery question

Am I pretty enough to keep my husband?

It stings a little (okay, a heck of a lot) that all the women he cheated on me with, was thinner and younger than me. I would say that they looked like me (body wise) when I first met my husband. Toned, athletic and body beautiful. Now 8 years and 1 child later, I am big. When I met hubby I weighed 65 kgs in 2004, but the time I got married 2008 I weighed 104. My heaviest was 117.5 kgs in 2009.

Oh, I would make weak attempts at exercising, depending on those around me - to motivate me. But when I reached nearly a 120kgs, I had enough. I know everyone says it, but I just didn't fully realise how big I was getting until I was HUGE. I then started exercising religiously. Nothing hectic, but I tried to walk at least 3 times a week and the weight started dropping off. I changed my eating habits and I saw even more of a difference. I was on my way! Feeling better about myself, then I had in ages - I thought surely my husband must be happier with me now (not that he ever said that I should lose weight). By the time I fell pregnant in October 2010, I was weighing 104kgs. I had so nearly touched my goal of weighing under 100kgs, that my more vainer moments contained resentment that I fell pregnant instead of reaching my goal. I started picking up weight in the pregnancy and every kg was a little death to me. How much bigger am I going to get? When I eventually gave birth to my son, I weighed in at 122kgs. Now 3 months after his birth, I have dropped back down to 106kgs.

I FEEL UGLY.

I resent my husband for not caring that I tried SO HARD to lose weight. I did it, so that he could be proud to be with me...to be aroused by me again. When I have my bad weight days (like today), I feel like going onto those websites where men are looking for bigger women. They find my shape beautiful - I don't need to feel like they have "settled" for me. They would love me. They would adore me.

Seriously... I am like a third of her size. I wonder if this guy is single now...

 My hubby and I have started a no secrets policy, so instead of letting this desire grow - I have confessed it to my husband. His always quick to say that the porn he watched also had big women in it. He doesn't get it...whats a fucking knife in the back was that the women he actually had physical contact with (not online or video) where all thinner than me. When he had the choice, he didn't go after a big girl...he didn't go after someone like me. And can I blame him? No. In my dreams, the guy was never pudgy. He was muscled and strong - why should his dream girl be any different? So no matter what he says, I don't believe he finds me attractive and now I am considering plastic surgery.

Yes, I want to be beautiful for him - but more importantly I am tired of settling for how I look. When I look in the mirror, I want to love what I see. I am tired of wearing control top panties with dresses. I don't want to wear t-shirts and tops that are long enough to reach mid thigh so that it can cover my hanging tummy. I want to feel irrestible and I think that getting a tummy tuck could speed along the process.

He gets all freaked out by it, any time I mention it. He thinks that I shouldn't mess with my body. But what the hell does he know. His not the one, who has met and seen the other women and have walked away feeling old, frumpy and discarded like yesterdays trash. He hasn't had to stand there and feel the burn of humiliation when its clear who the prettier girl is. I just want someone to love me...is that so hard?

Father forgive me, I have sinned...

Did I not see his addiction, because I was an addict too?

This is my confession....

When I was 11 years old, I found a Mills and Boon book in my grandmothers house. It was nothing as risque, as you get in todays books. Back  then the sighting of a heaving bosom was as scintillating as it got. I fell in love immediately. I read that book over and over again, until it literally fell apart.

The rush of feelings that swept my body felt incredible. By then I had noticed boys and I had, had a couple of crushes - but this "feeling" was on a whole new level. I was experiencing lust for the first time and it felt good. My mom caught me reading this book and threw the book away. I took it out of the trash, locked myself in the bathroom and read it again. I wish I could I tell you that this was the end, but it was just the beginning.

I started looking for more and when the local library ran out of books, I searched for bookshops that had the kind of books I was looking for. No longer was the sighting of a "globe" exciting, I needed more...a lot more. The more graphic the better. I was readying about 6 or 7 books a week. I was about 14/15 years old. I used my lunch and travel money to buy books. Choosing to walk home and go hungry, so I could get my fix. And when I didn't have money...I stole. I wanted the books...I NEEDED them. It felt great to "get away with it" and then I started stealing books, even though I had the money. The high from getting away with it and enjoying my treasure was so intoxicating. I did it as often as I could...but then my conscience would attack and I would stop stealing completely or I would buy some and take some, telling myself that I am repeat customer, so they are still making money...

Of course I masturbated, as the feelings coursing through my body was highly addictive and no man could match that feeling. So much so, that I wonder if I have forever reprogrammed by body, only to highly aroused by these books instead of with the man that I love. Today, I don't orgasm...ever. Sex is a great and wonderful experience, but its a different feeling to one I have when reading. My husband thinks I don't understand the feeling and compulsive needs around masturbation and watching porn, but I understand only to clearly. I have felt so disgusted with myself. The need to read and masturbate was compulsive...

It went on this way for years and then I stumbled across online sex. And WOW!! What a rush. Its incredible. I could write my own Mills and Boon scenes with a willing,anonymous partner. The dirtier, the better. By then I had met my husband and I loved him. I figured though, that since I am not actually doing anything physical, it wasn't being unfaithful. But then I started getting irritated with him, more than I should. I was beginning to lose that loving feeling. The more online sex I had, the less I "loved" my boyfriend. One day I sat at my desk ( I was having online sex at work, using work resources...oh man, just writing that made me so sad) and I realised, that I had to choose between my online lover and my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend...it took a while for my system to calm down, but after about two weeks I started feeling like my old self again.I remember that there were days when I felt weak and I would go these online websites and just kinda cruise around...I realised that if I didn't stop cold turkey I would just go back, so every day I committed to not going back to these sites. 

It was getting to scary. I chose to leave my job and work someplace else. A week before my final day, my boss called me into the office and asked me if I let other people use my computer. My sixth sense told me to lie and I said yes, all the time. And then he said, "oh because we got a report that someone is accessing porn from your computer" - I of course acted appropriately disgusted...I remember feeling relieved and grateful that I was leaving this job in a couple of days...I never made that mistake again at the workplace, but seriously what the hell was wrong with me...

I continued reading as much Mills and Boon and other hardcore material I could get my hands on. I flirted with friends - I always thought, that it was no big deal, but given the right kind of environment what would have I done? I had a close call one day, when this guy which invited me to his place. I was tempted for like a second and then I thought to myself WTF and stopped it right there. Its only beens Gods grace, that unlike my husband I haven't actually gone out and made a play for some guy.

When my boyfriend proposed, we moved in together. Our sex life dewindled. He was watching tons of porn and would prefer to touch himself and I was reading Mills and Boon books and thick 'romantic" novels. I put down our lack of sex to just being a phase in the relationship at the time. I never saw the danger surrounding us.

That year my husband started picking up girls on trains and I had a weird expierience. One day, hubby gets up and goes to work. I remember lying in bed and it felt as if someone was straightening out and parting my legs. In half a daze, I thought I was sleeping - but I remember distinctly feeling "awake" but unable to move. I remember feeling like I was about to sex, but noone was there. The feeling called to me and tempted me to just relax and enjoy it. But my sixth sense kicked in and I realised, that something weird was happening and I started to struggle against the feeling and get out of bed. It was so hard! I got so scared. The more I struggled, the more it felt like something was working its way up my body. I started to pray and "it" released me. I stumbled out of bed, shaken and relieved - and yet I perversely missed that sexual feeling. During my darker periods of despair, when I wonder if my husband is telling the truth regarding whether his porn addiction. I remember this thing that happened and I remind myself that  clearly we have issues with lust and I do believe that what I was expieriencing was demonic. Lust pervaded our home and was pulling us further into the darkness and we never saw it coming...

For a while I didn't read Mills and Boons books, but inevitably I started a short while later. Intimacy was nowhere to be found in our marriage, we were having sex maybe once every couple of weeks. We loved each other, but we were not IN love. This is how we carried on for years. Then one day I found out I was pregnant and I asked God, to help us be the best parents we could be for our son. Soon after I discovered my husband having an affair and everything unravelled.

My husband made life altering decisions in the face of his porn addiction, I chose to stand with him. As a family we do not watch nor read porn. We are careful about the kinds of movies we see.We do not masturbate. We have chosen to only share sexual contact with each other and our sex life has never been better.

Some days its hard for me. The impulse to masturbate is strong, but I have taught myself to focus on something else. And when this doesn't work, I simply have to fight through the feeling. Lately I have had "flashbacks" of my favourite Mills and Boon scenes. It just pops up in my mind at unexpected times. I haven't read a book in months...7 months to be exact. As soon as it pops up, I start thinking of something else. But that feeling to enjoy it...noone will know, is so tantalising. 

And this is how I realised that my husband does not stand alone in the porn addict stakes. Yes, I didn't go as far as he did, but I have dishonoured him and God nonetheless.

So as a family, with God firmly leading us forth. We are forging a new path, for a better healthier kind of life. I have realised, that without God my family and I will fall apart. I am sorry, that wondered away from Him so far, but today right here, right now I confess with heart that I have sinned and I am so sorry.

God has heard my cry and He has saved me....

Money and Infidelity

My husband was my world. I wanted him to be happy, so I bought him the things he wanted even though I could barely afford it. In my world, that's what you do when you love someone - you show them how special they are, by giving them the desires of their heart. So I bought him the huge ass TV and Blue-ray player that I am still paying off today. If I had known about his need to fuck anything that walks, I could have saved myself some money and just bought him a prostitute - maybe we could even worked out a financial plan - like for every 12 sessions you buy, get one free or something...

Wow, I get a free STD as well...super ;-)

But you know what pisses me off the most? Its the fact that I took out the loan to get married to this jerk...and yes, I am still paying it off. I think about how he must have laughed at me, behind my back when I signed the paperwork. You see, I thought that when he proposed and took out a (much smaller) loan for us to get our own place - I mistakenly took it as a sign of commitment to me. What it really was a sign of, was his committment to watching as much porn and having as much online sex as he could handle. Apparently, being in his mothers house just didn't give him the kind of environment he needed...

It messes me up to think, that I was so gaga over him. I was thrilled because we had gotten our first new place - I saw sunshine and rainbows, while he was looking at tits and ass. I feel taken in...like he made a fool out of me. I was the butt of his lame joke  and I contributed financially for it.


Never again will I put myself financially on the line for him. Don't ask me, what I'm going to get him for christmas.Going from gifts worth thousands of rands, to what? A Musica voucher worth R150?

Besides all that, is that fact that I gave him full access to my accounts. I trusted him with me card and salary. He no longer enjoys that privilege. The kind of man who will cheat on his 7 month pregnant wife, is the kind of man that would steal from her. I remember a conversation I had with  my mom, she was dismayed that I trusted him so freely with my hard earned money - I thought she was crazy. After all, we were in love and he would never take advantage of me - what an idiot I was.

My husband was so offended, when I told him that I no longer want him anywhere near my money. "I have never taken any of it" he said...so he even treats my money with more respect than what he treated my body. I am so tired of being on the bottom of his list, so you know what...fuck his list, because

Now, he will need to pay. If there are loans that need to be taken out - he can do it. Facing divorce, I took a look at my precarious financial position and never never never again and will I do this to myself!

If you can't trust someone with your heart and body - you can't trust them with your finances!

Love is a four letter word

He lies...

I desperately want to believe him, but how can I - when I know he lies. He has looked me straight in the eyes and lied. He has kissed me and lied. Held me and lied. He...lies.

I always thought I was the creative one in the family, but man I don't hold a candle to him. His dedication to the role of faithful husband and loyal lover was outstanding...I never would have guessed he was anything other but that. And why should I have? I believed the lie.

I miss my friend...

Othello and me...

Everytime I think I am doing better - my heart falters and I despair of where I have found myself.

My husband recently did a very good thing. He tracked down the chick he cheated on me with after we got married (the first one) and told her off in no uncertain terms. Now, I totally believe that what happended was completely his fault. He could have said "no", but he didn't...as a matter fact he wanted to screw this chick, but she turned him down. You would think that because "it" didn't happen, it would hurt less - but it still does. Anyways, so he tracks her down and craps on her from a dizzy height. He told her, he was disgusted with them both, that they were both pathetic- he did it in front of me and I felt..vindicated. I was happy, elated and felt like I got the last laugh. It felt good...

So tell me, why do I feel so sad today? Maybe its because, I should never have had to hear my husband tell another woman how he regrets playing tonsil hockey. My mind wonders through everything he has done, and I bite my tongue lest I ask him useless questions, because infidelity is infidelity no matter how many times he did it, who he did it with and where. His unfaithful heart has cast me in the role of Othello and jealousy,hurt and paranoi has set fire to my dreams. I am convinced, he hasn't told me everything - but what is the point of asking, as surely it would be just more of the same. Whats one or two more women to the many he has betrayed me with...

O thou weed,

Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweet

That the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne’er been born.

                                                                                                                 Othello. ACT IV Scene 2. 

Out for blood...

When your significant other decides to have an affair, they may as well have taken a dump on your favourite dress. I looked at so many sites of people who cheated and the description that comes up often, is that they felt like they were in a "fog". Well then, lets see what we can do to help clear that up...

After D Day- what every cheating heart should do....

1. Soul search - are you really sorry? This is most kindest things you can do, after you decided to step out of your marriage and betrayed your spouse. If your not sorry, don't waste your spouses time and just leave. Don't waste anymore of her precious time. She only has this one life to live - allow her to live it with someone who will love and treasure her. It will be best final gift you ever give her. If you realise that you made a mistake...

2. Confront that bitch. Tell her, that it was a mistake - you don't know what the hell happened, but you 're sorry that you ever spoke to her, touched her and any other nasty ass thing you did. You choose your wife and your marriage. Nothing and noone is worth risking your marriage for. You were stupid to have done what you did and you regret it intensely. Say it in the most strongly worded way possible, so that there is no doubt. Your wife shouldn't have to tell you what to say - if you are genuinely sorry let the words flow from your heart and let your sincerity shine through. You have stripped pride and dignity from both your spouse and yourself. Its time to restore it. The enemy came in the dead of the night and has threatened your home and your family - its time to find your balls and fight back

I said f*ck off...

3. Show your wife that she is the one you want. You should have by now, effectively told that ho, that she needs to move along - but now you are faced with a broken marriage. Your partner no longer feels loved, attractive, special, wanted. At some point, she must have been precious to you - after all you married her. Have a serious talk about how she would like you to show her, how much you care and the follow through. If she is to pissed to care, then just be there. Hold her, kiss her (if she will let you) - research as much as possible on ways to win her heart back. 

4.Be prepared to be target practice for a while. You have poisoned her and it is killing her from the inside. In order for your marriage to be better than before, it all needs to come out. She will spewing words, that you never thought your wife even knew. You might even have be ducking and diving for a while. Allow it happen. Don't defend your actions, accept the fact that you deserve it.  You have betrayed her, did you really think that she wouldn't be hurt by it...

I am so happy that your banging that chick from accounts...

5. Share her pain - you are about to run out of toilet paper very quickly. Oh man, are the tears going to flow. Hers and yours. Don't shy away from her pain. Go to her and hold her as she weeps. She is hurting badly and she needs you to just hold her. She also needs to see how sorry you are. Cry with her and share with her how you feel. She will never know how you feel, unless you show her. She might seem not to care, and there will be days were she wont... but she IS listening...

What is working in my marriage:

1. We have put God back in our relationship. Our marriage could not heal and thrive without him. We pray together and attend church. That spirit of lust that has overtaken us, will not destroy my family!               
2. My husband had to decide, what he wanted. I was his first proper girlfriend and along with his porn addiction, his curiosity about what it would be like with other women just was to much for him. But it couldn't be helped, that we met when we did - so he needed to decide what he wanted and be prepared to faithful to that. He needed to recommit. He taped his conversation with the other woman, where he told her it was over. I loved it - it felt like it gave me some of my power back.                         
3. After he decided what he wanted, he needed to show me his plans in how he was going to prevent this from happening ever again.You need real tangible changes, otherwise it will be so easy to slip again. This included, giving away all his porn, identifying triggers and avoiding them eg pics of near naked women. Without a plan,you have nothing
4. He is willing to do whatever it takes, to be with me and to make my dreams come true. I am through, with taking a back seat to him. (Not that he ever asked me to, but I did it to make our marriage work). Its my time now and he has committed enthuisiastically to support my dreams and plans.Its a new era in our marriage, because I am different and if he wants to stick around then he better buckle up.

Lie to me baby...

I caught my husband starting an affair with his work colleague. His first reaction was that I was crazy - that they were just friends. It made me sick to the pit of my stomach,that he could lie so blatantly to my face. And oh man, did the arguments begin. He then apologised, with what seemed like appropriate remorse and when I asked him if there is anything else I should know, he said no...but I  had seen something during my research on infidelity about taking lie detector tests. I had dismissed it, because I didn't think it would be necessary...

I started praying about what I should do. Confused and hurt, I turned to God  to help me see what I needed to see. And something is my spirit just brought it up - ask him...if his happy to do it, you know there isn't problem. If his less than excited, you know that his hiding things from you. I hoped that he would happy - but he wasn't and thats when the lie detector test became my best friend.

Trickle truth was killing me and my husband couldn't see it. The lie detector test and the threat of it, helped to bring every nasty ass thing he has ever done to light. It wasn't an easy experience, but it burned our fake marriage to ground so that we could rebuild on a solid foundation. Here the questions I asked, and so should you:

1. Are you currently having an affair (physical or emotional) with someone?  - because that needs to end NOW!
2. Have you ever had sex or physical intimacy during our relationship - regardless of whether if online or in person?
3. Did you use protection? If not, did you go for an STD, HIV/AIDS test?  - even if he says he used protection, get tested. Some STDS can be transmitted by just the rubbing of skin on skin
4. Are you hiding or deleting files off your laptop, that would incriminate you?
5. Are you deleting your history?
6. Are you using the "private session" function? ( I HATE THAT THIS EXISTS)

All the answers to these questions, will lead to more questions. What I learned the hard way, is unless you ask them (porn addicts) a very specific question, they will try to evade. So this is no time, for dancing around issues.

Beware though, that lie detector tests can't gage emotions, just actual tangible events. So questions like, "do you love me"? or " are you committed to this relationship" can not be gaged. However, he doesn't know that, so feel free to ask him these questions anyway,stating its part of the list of questions that you handing over to the guy who is conducting the test. You might be surprised, by what crawls out of the woodwork.

The lie detector test was one of the best things that I could have ever done and I thank God for showing me what to do. If he had gone on lying, with new "discoveries" everyday - our marriage would be over by now. Instead, in fell swoop everything was razed to the ground and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

If you are cheating on your partner and are reading this - one of the worse things you could do is be a coward and lie (and yes withholding information is lying). Answer questions accurately and with sensitivity. My husband would not have been able to come to terms with his addiction until, everything was brought to light. Its a lie from the devil, that noone will love you, if they knew the truth. Yes, life might get hard for a little bit - but don't wait to be discovered. Find your courage and fight for your right to a healthy loving relationship.

Letter to the boy I knew...

Hey love

I miss you. 

Sometimes I look at my husband and he sounds like you and looks like you, but I know he isn't. He keeps talking about the memories we share and I want to tell him, he has no right. Those memories belong to me and you. 

I miss the warmth of your arms around me and feeling safe. I miss the crinkling of your eyes when you smile and feeling connected to you in something joyous. I miss my favourite time of day, when we cuddled before sleeping. I just miss you so much. You made me feel special and wanted.

I am sorry you had to go, I resent my husband for taking you away from me. I wish could I find you, but you're lost somewhere and I don't know where you are, but know where ever you are -  know that I will always love you and you gave me the best four years of my life. Every night before you sleep, please know in my heart I am holding you close and I whispering in your ear - that I love you for always and forever.

L.

His so damn sorry

I have accepted the fact, that my husband is a porn addict.  I believe that my husband has actively tried for the last four years to have sex with as many women as possible. Never once did he think of me. Not when we got engaged and certainly not when I was pregnant. I searched for something redeeming, but there was nothing to be found.

There comes a point after D DAY (discovery day), when the hurt caused goes deeper than heart break. Something snaps deep inside and you know that you will never be the same.

I . AM . DIFFERENT

I no longer believe that people are intrinsically good. I now understand that bad things happen to good people, for absolutely no reason at all, except that, thats just how it goes. It has nothing to do with what you deserve - you just happened to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

And now he says his sorry. His doing his best, to show me that he cares. I have changed (he says), I will never do it again (he says)  and am sorry I hurt you (he says) and this is how I feel:

 

Now you say you're lonely

You cry the whole night thorough

Well, you can cry me a river, 

cry me a river I cried a river over you

Now you say you're sorry

For bein' so untrue

Well, you can cry me a river,cry me a river

I cried a river over you

You drove me, nearly drove me out of my head

While you never shed a tear

Remember, I remember all that you said

Told me love was too plebeian

Told me you were through with me and

Now you say you love me

Well, just to prove you do

Come on and cry me a river, cry me a river I cried a river over you

I cried a river over you I cried a river over you

I cried a river over you..

Source: http://lyrics-a-plenty.com/c/cry_me_a_riverjl.lyrics.php

Is that all it took?

I saw a picture of her...

The woman my husband cheated on me with, 8 months after we got married...

Is

that

all

it

took?

Cyborgs suck in bed

" It just doesn't feel like his making love to Me..."

I knew long before I found out my husband was a porn addict, that there was something wrong. I ignored it and put it down to silly Mills and Boon dreams. I should have gone with my gut feeling...

Hindsight is an amazing thing. I dedicate this list to all the wives and husbands, who knows something is wrong-but can't quite put their finger on it. I present the profile of a porn addict:

PORN ADDICTS ARE LIARS:

HONESTY is first casualty of addiction. They lie to themselves and they WILL lie to you...

When hubby andI first started going out, he told me about a DVD he had with pics of scantily clared stars on  them. I asked him to throw it away, because it made me feel uncomfortable. (How the hell was I supposed to compete with Jessica Alba and Beyonce Knowles?)Anyways, he then proceeded to lie to me and told me he threw it away.Later he told me, at that point he should have known something was up -when he couldn't/wouldn't give up the DVD.

The lies continued throughout our relationship (I classify withholding of information as lying by ommission).He didn't tell me about the various women he tried to get into bed with and the prostitute he paid for. And eventually, when I caught him- he still tried to bullshit his away out of it.Lying becomes second nature to addicts, because its the first thing required to keep the addiction alive. He lied about anything and everything, even small inconsequential things that had nothing to do with his "activities". He lied and lied and lied some more. At first I would think, we had made a breakthrough, only to find that he had only told me half truths or complete lies. Soon my reaction was:

Yes, you asshole. Don't look so shocked

In the end , his lies killed our marriage. Yes, what he did was  horrific - but if he had just been honest, we would be in a better position than we are in now. At first, he lied to save his addiction and then he lied to save our marriage. Now, after counselling and deciding to give it another chance, I look at him and I can't bring myself to believe a damn word he says...

Porn addicts lie...

PORN ADDICTS ARE SELFISH:

My husband is a self centered jerk. You wouldn't know it, if you looked at him though. Soft spoken and well mannered - the perfect gentleman...on the outside.

Porn addicts, like every other addict, lacks empathy. The inability to put himself into someones elses shoes, has cost me dearly. He has robbed me of the last four years of my life. It should have been my choice whether I would still marry him, after his indiscretions - instead he chose to carry on, while telling me that he loves me. He didn't stop to think about me. He only cared about me, in relation to what I do for him. When I asked him why he didn't tell me before we got married about his infidelity, his response was simply "you wouldn't have married me". Perhaps I wouldn't have, but he should have loved me and respected me enough, to give me the choice. Now I see my engagement and marriage, in terms of his affairs. Nothing belongs to me anymore - he gave himself and our marriage away to whatever woman would have him.

He always bitched about doing the things I wanted to do - everything was always a hassle. I put down to just being different.  What I should have put it down to, was him being asshole...

He should have protected me...instead he exposed me to STDS, heartbreak and robbed me of precious time.Didn't I deserve  being in a loving relationship, where I would be honoured and respected? Apparently, my husband didn't think so.

Porn addicts don't care about anyone, but themselves.

PORN ADDICTS SUCK IN BED:

A porn addict doesn't care about whether or not you are satisfied. They watch hours of porn, where the main job of women is to get screwed by X amount of guys, in numerous positions and enthusiasitically enjoy every minute of it. She doesn't have a brain or feelings. She literally is there to be a cum receptacle. A porn addict will turn you into that, because as mentioned above - they don't give a shit about you. The time spent having sex decreases dramatically, becauses then they start preferring masturbation over having sex. That right, once you get over the indignity of being used, than apparently you aren't even needed for that anymore.

Close to the end, my husband and I were having sex maybe once every4-6 weeks. I would go away on business and when I came back, he wouldn't be interested in having sex. I couldn't understand it, assuming that I was the one with the problem. Maybe my libido was too high, maybe I wasn't pretty enough. As it turned out, my husband graduated from porn and was having online sex with whomever he could find. No wonder, he didn't want to have sex with me. He'd been fucking the entire country...

 

PORN ADDICTS ARE CYBORGS

Have you ever looked at your partner and noticed that they are constantly on their laptops/pc/mobiles? So much so, that it just becomes part of how they look, when you think of them? Good luck, with trying to see what has them so engrossed, that they spend hours online.

Now in all fairness, we are part of the generation, where technology plays an integral part of our lives - but we are talkingabout people who are hooked to it like its crack. The laptop made so many things possible for my husband- he could download tons of porn, he could connect with thousands of women at a touch of a button. If your partner is always on a laptop/mobile I would encourage you to start checking things out when they aren't around. There is a good chance, that because of the amount of time they spend on their beloved gadgets, they know more than, so will hide whatever evidence there is- don't give up though, keep looking.

So to summarise:porn addicts are selfish,lying cyborgs who suck in bed and you know what...

My Husband and his mistresses

My husband and I, were the perfect couple. It was love at first sight. He was shy and soft spoken and I...well I was friends with everyone. Opposites in everyway, we somehow clicked and soon we were inseperable.Fast forward 4 years down the line, he proposed to me. He took me on a picnic and hired a photographer.He teared up as he told me how much he loved me, how he couldn't live without me- how he would be the happiest man on earth if I would marry him. I of course said yes- I loved him.

3 years later: he trembled and cried as he begged me not to leave him. I had caught him red handed in starting an affair with his work colleague. He had been  facebooking her and his email had kept the conversation thread. I read on, as my "shy" husband told her much he liked spending time with her, how he wanted to get to know her better - the hours logged alongside the conversation showed that they literally had been speaking all day and night. The tone sexual and intimate...I couldn't believe my eyes.

Thrown and angry, I demanded details. And yes, it turned out that she was younger, thinner and prettier than me. I wept, as I thought surely our years together meant something. I could never be 20 again. I will never be able to be "new and mysterious" after 7 years of shared holidays, triumphs and bodily fluids and odors...she was 20 and I was 28 and just like that,  I felt like this:

After many fights and crying jags, I told him I needed some space to think about our relationship. I wanted to continue, but I needed some time. During my self-imposed exile, God gave me an inspired idea. To ensure that I knew everything I needed to know so we could start fresh, I should ask him to take a lie detector test. I was so happy, because if there was nothing left to hide - he would jump at the chance- as it turned out, his first reaction was silence and than the damning response: you know that its admissable in court right.  And thats when this:

turned to this:

    

You Motherf*cker...

He told me two weeks after I left on holiday - he visited a prositute. My fiance, who would blush at the very mention of sex- had the balls to look up an escort agency and booked himself a whore.R500- thats what it cost. I asked him why he did it and he said: You wouldn't believe the amount of porn I had been watching. I was by myself and I just watched porn all the time.One day, I had been masturbating and I had come, but it wasn't enough...I needed to have sex.The urge was overwhelming.I looked at my husband and thought...

Like this cheating bastard

Nice try asshole..but then it all spilled out.woman after woman. Women he tried to pick up on trains, women he had online sex with and had met with and then, then there the women he worked with...(sigh)

And through all of it, was the ever consistent porn -  I would lying if I said I didn't know he had some porn - but these were the 2 or 3 clips I found on his laptop. It turned out he had a harddrive with over 400 movies on them and these were just the ones he decided to keep. My husband was a porn addict...

I chucked him out and cried and cried and cried. How could he? Was it because of my weight gain? Was it because I wasn't pretty enough- I knew what those women looked like and I looked NOTHING like them. He kept on saying he loved me, but if he loved me why didn't he tell me he had a problem?

He betrayed my trust and my love - and left me with nothing but contempt and heartbreak. If you see cupid, please tell him,I'm looking for him...

D Day

You have talen everything from me. You have stripped away all that was special, unique and joyous about our relationship. Nothing is sacred anymore...

Every Monday, Tuesday and Friday I relive ut all over again. What did you did, who you spoke to. How could you have chosen her over me...over us.

We spoke last night about how we met and all I can remember is that you did the same with her. What set me apart , you shared with someone else. I am no longer... special...our love is no longer special. Its tarnished and faded. Broken and destroyed. You have taken something beautiful and shared it without thought....without a backward glance.Thats how little I meant to you...thats how little you cared.

You have taken my world and stripped it bare, from tropical luscious forests to arid desert with no life...What did I ever do to you?