Othello and me...

Everytime I think I am doing better - my heart falters and I despair of where I have found myself.

My husband recently did a very good thing. He tracked down the chick he cheated on me with after we got married (the first one) and told her off in no uncertain terms. Now, I totally believe that what happended was completely his fault. He could have said "no", but he didn't...as a matter fact he wanted to screw this chick, but she turned him down. You would think that because "it" didn't happen, it would hurt less - but it still does. Anyways, so he tracks her down and craps on her from a dizzy height. He told her, he was disgusted with them both, that they were both pathetic- he did it in front of me and I felt..vindicated. I was happy, elated and felt like I got the last laugh. It felt good...

So tell me, why do I feel so sad today? Maybe its because, I should never have had to hear my husband tell another woman how he regrets playing tonsil hockey. My mind wonders through everything he has done, and I bite my tongue lest I ask him useless questions, because infidelity is infidelity no matter how many times he did it, who he did it with and where. His unfaithful heart has cast me in the role of Othello and jealousy,hurt and paranoi has set fire to my dreams. I am convinced, he hasn't told me everything - but what is the point of asking, as surely it would be just more of the same. Whats one or two more women to the many he has betrayed me with...

O thou weed,

Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweet

That the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne’er been born.

                                                                                                                 Othello. ACT IV Scene 2.