Sooooo things are relatively going well - every now and then I spazz out in my head, but I have been managing to centre myself with the question as whether this is a feeling or whether I am right to look sideways at my husband...
Yesterday, he shared with me that he was having coffee break with guys in his team when a woman walked past...apparently a really hot one, with butterfly cut outs in her stockings...one of the guys couldn't stop staring and my husband teased him about it.
Now I am firstly relieved that he felt he could share that with me...that he had the balls to say that he saw an attractive woman. I don;t ask that my husband pretend his blind, I just ask that he stops trying to put his d*ck in every attractive woman he finds - so thats cool, but then a little voice whispers that maybe he was the one that was being teased and he just had to somehow tell me about it?? Ag, I don't know - right now a big account has landed on my desk and as I dreamed last night that if I found out that my husband was going back to jerk off days, there would be no drama this time. I would simply ask him to leave and get back to work!! Maybe I am the workaholic he calls me...
Anyways, so lets assume that its true - the guy that was staring has been married for less than a month - things don't look so hot in that future, but it got me thinking...
Why do things turn to shit after we get married? Like do our husbands feel that they have somehow reached the finish line and have conquered all they can, they need new challenges? Is it the stress of needing to pay the bills, dealing with someone else's irritating habits - that damn near extinguishes all romantic love?
There is something about getting married that seems to ruin a relationship...
I don't know how I feel about living with your partner before you get married. I lived with my hubby for a year before getting married - all turned out to be a lie...but at the same time, surely if you are committed enough to live together, you should be committed enough to get married?
What will I tell my child one day, when they ask my opinion? Do I advise them to truly know someone before you marry them or do I say - that there is no way to prepare for what life has in store so just dive in...
So ja man - life is strange...
Tuesday 27 November 2012
Tuesday 20 November 2012
Hyperviligance for sexual abuse
I can't talk to my husband about it...he wouldn't understand...
I think I have a problem. I am drowning in fear of sexual abuse of my son.
It didn't start now...for as long as I can remember I have always been...aware. Too aware. I am constantly looking out into fields to see if anyone is being raped or beaten...its not a choice that I make, its a compulsive need to search out the landscape. Whether I am in a car, train or taxi, it doesn't matter - I search dark alleyways, dark spots under bridges- anywhere where the dark and remoteness exists - I look... and I am relieved when I see nothing, but the drive to wander around with a gun to save the victims is strong...maybe I should have become a cop.
I suspect everyone. EV.RY.ONE. I watch men...I watch if they linger a little to long with a child...I watch their hands in case it creeps to inappropriate places...I see men walking with what could very well be their own child or grandchild and my first reaction is whether they have kidnapped them and are going to rape them. I longingly watch them walk away, as I battle the need to follow them and wrestle the child away.
I sometimes have dreams of opening up my own childrens home and I would look after them and love them...and protect them.
This was all before I had a child and now its worse. If my son it to tired, I think someone is abusing him. My son went through a phase where he clenched his legs together at nappy changes and I nearly went ballistic. I do body inspections and every mark, redness and scrape is taken seriously...perhaps to seriously. I scour websites that tell me that the things I see are normal and the pressure building inside of me subsides...until the next time...
I have began to wonder over the last couple of years, whether its because of my sensitive nature that I am this way...or is it because I was abused when I was younger. If it happened, I have no recollection of it...not that it helps. I realised about 10 years ago - that when I perceive something as life threatening, I remember the before and after, but nothing in between and when I look back over my life, there are pockets, that I simply don't recall... I had wondered whether I should go and see a therapist, to see if there is anything to unearth - but I have decided that I don't want to remember if that's the case... there are people out there who spend their whole lives trying to forget and I am lucky to not remember as a self protective measure but the flip side is that I am left with the bitter residue of a memory I don't have..
But maybe...just maybe the is really nothing to it and I just have a shockingly bad memory and I am just very neurotic by nature...I do worry a lot. I worry constantly about most things. I not only have a plan A and B, but also Cs and Ds.
I don't want to become a crazy mom, who keeps her children close to her at all times and home schools them for safety reasons. I don't know what to do with myself? Where is the line between neurotic compulsion and just being a good mom?
I think I have a problem. I am drowning in fear of sexual abuse of my son.
It didn't start now...for as long as I can remember I have always been...aware. Too aware. I am constantly looking out into fields to see if anyone is being raped or beaten...its not a choice that I make, its a compulsive need to search out the landscape. Whether I am in a car, train or taxi, it doesn't matter - I search dark alleyways, dark spots under bridges- anywhere where the dark and remoteness exists - I look... and I am relieved when I see nothing, but the drive to wander around with a gun to save the victims is strong...maybe I should have become a cop.
I suspect everyone. EV.RY.ONE. I watch men...I watch if they linger a little to long with a child...I watch their hands in case it creeps to inappropriate places...I see men walking with what could very well be their own child or grandchild and my first reaction is whether they have kidnapped them and are going to rape them. I longingly watch them walk away, as I battle the need to follow them and wrestle the child away.
I sometimes have dreams of opening up my own childrens home and I would look after them and love them...and protect them.
This was all before I had a child and now its worse. If my son it to tired, I think someone is abusing him. My son went through a phase where he clenched his legs together at nappy changes and I nearly went ballistic. I do body inspections and every mark, redness and scrape is taken seriously...perhaps to seriously. I scour websites that tell me that the things I see are normal and the pressure building inside of me subsides...until the next time...
I have began to wonder over the last couple of years, whether its because of my sensitive nature that I am this way...or is it because I was abused when I was younger. If it happened, I have no recollection of it...not that it helps. I realised about 10 years ago - that when I perceive something as life threatening, I remember the before and after, but nothing in between and when I look back over my life, there are pockets, that I simply don't recall... I had wondered whether I should go and see a therapist, to see if there is anything to unearth - but I have decided that I don't want to remember if that's the case... there are people out there who spend their whole lives trying to forget and I am lucky to not remember as a self protective measure but the flip side is that I am left with the bitter residue of a memory I don't have..
But maybe...just maybe the is really nothing to it and I just have a shockingly bad memory and I am just very neurotic by nature...I do worry a lot. I worry constantly about most things. I not only have a plan A and B, but also Cs and Ds.
I don't want to become a crazy mom, who keeps her children close to her at all times and home schools them for safety reasons. I don't know what to do with myself? Where is the line between neurotic compulsion and just being a good mom?
Thursday 15 November 2012
Cheatin don't discriminate
As I look at the women I have had the privilege of connecting with and those besieged by media for the partners infidelity - I have finally embraced that it really can happen to anyone.
Smart Women - funny women - big women - slim women - naturally gorgeous women...women who depend on that amazing foundation and mascara we covet...it doesn't matter. Infidelity can happen to anyone...
And its not our fault.
Those louses who we have have been tasked with raising up to be men of balance and conscience - it really is because they are broken and not us.
Life is tough - but as women we are tougher. We can make the hard choices - make the sacrifices required to ensure a better home for our children, whether its with the men or not.
To all my sisters and those who love us - MASSIVE HUGS :-)
Smart Women - funny women - big women - slim women - naturally gorgeous women...women who depend on that amazing foundation and mascara we covet...it doesn't matter. Infidelity can happen to anyone...
And its not our fault.
Those louses who we have have been tasked with raising up to be men of balance and conscience - it really is because they are broken and not us.
Life is tough - but as women we are tougher. We can make the hard choices - make the sacrifices required to ensure a better home for our children, whether its with the men or not.
To all my sisters and those who love us - MASSIVE HUGS :-)
Tuesday 6 November 2012
Those damn Thai hookers
So, my husband and I have decided that we are going on a proper oversees holiday. At first I was really excited about going to Spain, but the euro would kill us - so I slowly broached the idea of South East Asia.
Now for many us - we know what goes on there. In my first trip there with my folks, I saw some interesting things - including the obvious foreigner with his Thai companion.These men tower over genetically small men and women...blatant in there differentness. The women look smug while there fingers curl tightly over the sex tourists t-shirt...there is no shame to be seen anywhere. These women would love my husband and I am sure he would love them to...at least once upon a time he would have.
I wonder if its wise to go...
I don't want to hide though - I want to go and he will need to learn to face his demons in the onslaught of willing women. I can hear it now...Maaasssage sir - easy easy - right this way- YUCK YUCK. I wonder if they will even care that I will standing right beside him.What I know for sure, is that there won't be a minute where we won't be with each other, so they can go fly a kite - but the offer of easy sex - will it trigger something for him?
Another issue is my weight- these women age amazingly and they must be at least quarter my size. I felt my size keenly the last time I was there. I was slightly lighter then, at 104kgs, but still man, as even I stood head and shoulders over most people I felt like a fumbling female giant. They stared at me with amazement - how does someone get that big, I could almost hear them wonder. This one woman campaigned quite heavily to massage my mom - most likely because they had never seen so much flesh and fat on one person before. I felt like a freak show, constantly aware that I did not compare favourably with the local fare...
So even more reason to lose the love handles - to check out my journey - feel free to check the next tab called called the http://xena-killingcupid.blogspot.com/p/fatty-boom-boom-diaries.html
So yep - we're looking at awesome places to visit - for with him we need tech at bargain prices and sport and I adore cultural and historical sites...this could be something good for us...I hope it turns out that way...
Now for many us - we know what goes on there. In my first trip there with my folks, I saw some interesting things - including the obvious foreigner with his Thai companion.These men tower over genetically small men and women...blatant in there differentness. The women look smug while there fingers curl tightly over the sex tourists t-shirt...there is no shame to be seen anywhere. These women would love my husband and I am sure he would love them to...at least once upon a time he would have.
I wonder if its wise to go...
I don't want to hide though - I want to go and he will need to learn to face his demons in the onslaught of willing women. I can hear it now...Maaasssage sir - easy easy - right this way- YUCK YUCK. I wonder if they will even care that I will standing right beside him.What I know for sure, is that there won't be a minute where we won't be with each other, so they can go fly a kite - but the offer of easy sex - will it trigger something for him?
Another issue is my weight- these women age amazingly and they must be at least quarter my size. I felt my size keenly the last time I was there. I was slightly lighter then, at 104kgs, but still man, as even I stood head and shoulders over most people I felt like a fumbling female giant. They stared at me with amazement - how does someone get that big, I could almost hear them wonder. This one woman campaigned quite heavily to massage my mom - most likely because they had never seen so much flesh and fat on one person before. I felt like a freak show, constantly aware that I did not compare favourably with the local fare...
So even more reason to lose the love handles - to check out my journey - feel free to check the next tab called called the http://xena-killingcupid.blogspot.com/p/fatty-boom-boom-diaries.html
So yep - we're looking at awesome places to visit - for with him we need tech at bargain prices and sport and I adore cultural and historical sites...this could be something good for us...I hope it turns out that way...
Top TV supports adultery - epic asshole move
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
The struggling pay-TV operator, currently in business rescue, wanted to launch a porn bouquet a year ago. Massive public uproar followed which massively damaged the pay-TV platform's brand and image after it originally said at launch that it will be a "family friendly" business.
TopTV failed to make it's case since the operator failed to show at its own public hearing for the bouquet application, and the Independent Communications Authority of South Africa (Icasa) denied TopTV's application.
Now the "family friendly" pay-TV operator is showing "adultery advertisements" in which a woman and man undress, climb into bed, kiss and then tells viewers: "This couple is married. But not to each other."
The ad on TopTV then says: "Life is short. Have an affair".
The company who wants to help married people have affairs, says in a press statement the 40 second "adultery advertisements" was first shown since mid-October on TopTV after other South African broadcasters have simply refused to show it.
"TopTV is the only broadcaster that sold advertising space" for their controversial TV commercial says the company in a statement.
The company says in the statement "we are thrilled with the air time we have on TopTV."
I've asked TopTV if the pay-TV operator has any comment, response or statement regarding why TopTV decided to broadcast the TV commercials, and will bring that response the moment there is any, if there is any.
BREAKING. TopTV starts to broadcast TV commercials for married people to have affairs because 'life is short'.
TopTV has started broadcasting TV commercials in which married people are encouraged to have affairs because "life is short".
The struggling pay-TV operator, currently in business rescue, wanted to launch a porn bouquet a year ago. Massive public uproar followed which massively damaged the pay-TV platform's brand and image after it originally said at launch that it will be a "family friendly" business.
TopTV failed to make it's case since the operator failed to show at its own public hearing for the bouquet application, and the Independent Communications Authority of South Africa (Icasa) denied TopTV's application.
Now the "family friendly" pay-TV operator is showing "adultery advertisements" in which a woman and man undress, climb into bed, kiss and then tells viewers: "This couple is married. But not to each other."
The ad on TopTV then says: "Life is short. Have an affair".
The company who wants to help married people have affairs, says in a press statement the 40 second "adultery advertisements" was first shown since mid-October on TopTV after other South African broadcasters have simply refused to show it.
"TopTV is the only broadcaster that sold advertising space" for their controversial TV commercial says the company in a statement.
The company says in the statement "we are thrilled with the air time we have on TopTV."
I've asked TopTV if the pay-TV operator has any comment, response or statement regarding why TopTV decided to broadcast the TV commercials, and will bring that response the moment there is any, if there is any.
Thursday 1 November 2012
Vicious Tango
I have noticed that when things are good...he distances himself. I get the best of him when we're fighting - he listens attentively to all I say, he looks at me lets me know that he wants to be connected, but when I respond he backs off.
Today is a good day. We are thinking about going on holiday next year and we're chatting about where. I called him from work because I wanted to hear his voice...I called and about 3 minutes into the conversation I feel the slight lag in response time...like his not quite focused on me. I remembered feeling this way before, only now I know I was probably messing up his chat time to other women online... so I ask him out right - what are you looking at and he responds that his just going through the logs (queries)...half focused on me, half focused on someone...thing...else again. I ended the conversation right and then by saying we'll chat later. I wonder if he even noticed the abrupt end or if he was relieved...
Sometimes I get the impression that if I want the best of him, I need to give less of me and that really sucks big time.
I want to adore someone, to spoil them and generally love them from dusk till dawn. This is who I am - I long to be sold out for one man and to spend my days showing him how much he means to me...
I don't want to be half ignored...I read my buddys' blog today http://mockturtlemusings.com/ and she is right- detaching with love is the best thing to do - but I just don't know if I want to do that. I want to love with all my being and it goes against the grain to hold back - maybe because its the first step to permanent detachment that it bothers me...but what bothers me more is being ignored.
Love me or leave me...just don't ignore to me.
Today is a good day. We are thinking about going on holiday next year and we're chatting about where. I called him from work because I wanted to hear his voice...I called and about 3 minutes into the conversation I feel the slight lag in response time...like his not quite focused on me. I remembered feeling this way before, only now I know I was probably messing up his chat time to other women online... so I ask him out right - what are you looking at and he responds that his just going through the logs (queries)...half focused on me, half focused on someone...thing...else again. I ended the conversation right and then by saying we'll chat later. I wonder if he even noticed the abrupt end or if he was relieved...
Sometimes I get the impression that if I want the best of him, I need to give less of me and that really sucks big time.
I want to adore someone, to spoil them and generally love them from dusk till dawn. This is who I am - I long to be sold out for one man and to spend my days showing him how much he means to me...
I don't want to be half ignored...I read my buddys' blog today http://mockturtlemusings.com/ and she is right- detaching with love is the best thing to do - but I just don't know if I want to do that. I want to love with all my being and it goes against the grain to hold back - maybe because its the first step to permanent detachment that it bothers me...but what bothers me more is being ignored.
Love me or leave me...just don't ignore to me.
Wednesday 31 October 2012
For the love of men
I listened as the old man, spoke to the young boy beside him...he looked like maybe he was in his late 50's . He spoke about life, marriage and sex.
I don't know what caught my attention at first...I think I recognised the tone before I heard the words. He had loved her, but she didn't love him.
They were high school sweethearts. They got pregnant, got married and had three children before the age of 25. They were both broken and thought the other could save them. Raped and molested, beaten and abused - they ran away together in hopes of finding their happily ever after...but the damage was to great to overcome and the love they had, withered away over the years - they fought about everything. The children, the discipline, the money and the men. She loved men. I leaned closer to hear as he spoke of how she would do anything for these men...he listed them off one hand and as he did, his voice grew gruffer.
I am sure that he wasn't an innocent in all of it and he had done his fair share of betrayal - but his regret stained voice got me thinking that maybe he was like me...betrayed and bereft
I wanted to tell him that maybe she was addicted to the love she thought they gave her. What is it about broken people, that the genuine love of someone isn't as good as the shallow make believe infatuation of strangers?
In his voice I heard old pain...the kind that couldn't quite heal even after all these years. He said that maybe if he had been more vicious with her she would have changed, maybe if he had put his foot down things would be different - but he chose to be soft with her and even now years later, he still wasn't sure that she loved him...not anymore at least.
All they do is fight...still. Decades upon decades of screaming tantrums and constant rejection...
Resigned to the choices he has made, he sighed and told the boy - my son, don't ever be like your father. You want something in life you go after it. You don't allow people to run your life for you. You can't change anybody who doesn't want to change...he spoke of how he tried and tried, but it was never good enough.
Now looking back at his intact failed marriage, I wondered how many of us carry the same fate? When a crises threatens to tear apart your family, do you choose to stay or do you choose to let go? Its an impossible choice, and we make it with the best information we have at the time - but what if you make the wrong one? Do you stand there, grey and aged wishing that if you had more chance you would choose a different kind of life for yourself...
I try to not let the overwhelming unknown push me into a decision that I couldn't live with, but its hard. If it ever came down to it, I really would prefer to be on my own - but its a decision made of out fear and right now I am trying so desperately to be brave. Brave for me, my son and my husband...
I was late for work and I had to leave, but I couldn't help but glance up at the man one more time...his mouth turned down at the corners, head bowed as the weight of his regret crowded him...I wanted to tell him, that he had no way of knowing how things would have turned out and if he left he would have always wondered why he didn't try harder.
sigh...
Maybe the next life will be kinder to the brokenhearted...
I don't know what caught my attention at first...I think I recognised the tone before I heard the words. He had loved her, but she didn't love him.
They were high school sweethearts. They got pregnant, got married and had three children before the age of 25. They were both broken and thought the other could save them. Raped and molested, beaten and abused - they ran away together in hopes of finding their happily ever after...but the damage was to great to overcome and the love they had, withered away over the years - they fought about everything. The children, the discipline, the money and the men. She loved men. I leaned closer to hear as he spoke of how she would do anything for these men...he listed them off one hand and as he did, his voice grew gruffer.
I am sure that he wasn't an innocent in all of it and he had done his fair share of betrayal - but his regret stained voice got me thinking that maybe he was like me...betrayed and bereft
I wanted to tell him that maybe she was addicted to the love she thought they gave her. What is it about broken people, that the genuine love of someone isn't as good as the shallow make believe infatuation of strangers?
In his voice I heard old pain...the kind that couldn't quite heal even after all these years. He said that maybe if he had been more vicious with her she would have changed, maybe if he had put his foot down things would be different - but he chose to be soft with her and even now years later, he still wasn't sure that she loved him...not anymore at least.
All they do is fight...still. Decades upon decades of screaming tantrums and constant rejection...
Resigned to the choices he has made, he sighed and told the boy - my son, don't ever be like your father. You want something in life you go after it. You don't allow people to run your life for you. You can't change anybody who doesn't want to change...he spoke of how he tried and tried, but it was never good enough.
Now looking back at his intact failed marriage, I wondered how many of us carry the same fate? When a crises threatens to tear apart your family, do you choose to stay or do you choose to let go? Its an impossible choice, and we make it with the best information we have at the time - but what if you make the wrong one? Do you stand there, grey and aged wishing that if you had more chance you would choose a different kind of life for yourself...
I try to not let the overwhelming unknown push me into a decision that I couldn't live with, but its hard. If it ever came down to it, I really would prefer to be on my own - but its a decision made of out fear and right now I am trying so desperately to be brave. Brave for me, my son and my husband...
I was late for work and I had to leave, but I couldn't help but glance up at the man one more time...his mouth turned down at the corners, head bowed as the weight of his regret crowded him...I wanted to tell him, that he had no way of knowing how things would have turned out and if he left he would have always wondered why he didn't try harder.
sigh...
Maybe the next life will be kinder to the brokenhearted...
Tuesday 30 October 2012
Strippers
Well, over the weekend there was a bachelors party for one of my husbands colleagues. Luckily on the invite, it indicated that they may be women and my husband decided that it wasn't a good place for him to go and I was really proud of him...
But yesterday was even more interesting - so apparently there was a stripper there and the groom got off his ass drunk. Someone at the bachelors taped the stripper giving this guy a full body dance and then sent it to his fiance...they are due to be married early November. Worse still, is this guy showed my husband the stripper clip.
I am not quite sure how I feel about this yet, but what I do know is that I am proud of him for telling me that he saw this thing. Apparently it was about 10 seconds long and fairly dark, but for a recovering addict, that's enough of a trigger to set you back. I tried to suss out what he thought about it seeing the clip after all the hard work he has been doing and he seemed to think that it was no big deal - I hope he continues to be brave enough to tell me, if it has more of an impact on him than he thought.
Yesterday was a good day because he told me the truth, before I had to discover it for myself and that's AWESOME.
But yesterday was even more interesting - so apparently there was a stripper there and the groom got off his ass drunk. Someone at the bachelors taped the stripper giving this guy a full body dance and then sent it to his fiance...they are due to be married early November. Worse still, is this guy showed my husband the stripper clip.
I am not quite sure how I feel about this yet, but what I do know is that I am proud of him for telling me that he saw this thing. Apparently it was about 10 seconds long and fairly dark, but for a recovering addict, that's enough of a trigger to set you back. I tried to suss out what he thought about it seeing the clip after all the hard work he has been doing and he seemed to think that it was no big deal - I hope he continues to be brave enough to tell me, if it has more of an impact on him than he thought.
Yesterday was a good day because he told me the truth, before I had to discover it for myself and that's AWESOME.
Monday 29 October 2012
Common ground
We have been going around from church to church, trying to find a spiritual home. A place where we would both feel comfortable - not an easy feat since I am heavily pentecostal and my husband was raised Catholic. But if there is one thing I have learnt, is that it doesn't matter if we choose different ways in which to serve the Lord -all that matters, is that we do.
So we have been visiting and I have been growing desperate. October has been a HORRIBLE month. I've been fighting him and I've been fighting me and its all getting a bit much. The other day I was reading my buddys blog and she was chatting about how everything gets worse before it gets better and here I am at the end of October and things are seem to be taking a turn for the interesting.
We found a church last night and at first I was really put out, by all the pretty girls, but ja - whatcha gonna do. The worship was amazing and the minister spoke about how we are all children of God. It doesn't matter what we have done, what we will do - God knew us before we were born and He loves us just the same. It was powerful....then another minister stood up and said the following thing and I felt as if God was sending a message to me. He said:
" Sometimes we are like seeds. We are buried under the ground and we think that this is the end. That its finished - its over. But if we just hang on, we will find that what is waiting for us on the other side is far greater than what we could ever imagine. If we push through, the blessing of God is far greater than what we could hope for".
And that's what my life feels like right now. I feel like I have been buried in deep shit and I am fighting for sunlight. Its cold and its dark and I am holding on to the memory of what I know my God can do. My God has never let me down and He has saved me time and time again - and here I am desperately hoping that not only that my God Saves, but my God Heals.
At the end of the service, my husband said something that I had always hoped for - but never thought possible. He said, if we settle in this church - than he would consider helping out with their tech stuff. My mind was blown. Two years ago, my husband couldn't handle church and now his talking about volunteering - wow!!!
The sunlight is warming the soil and the possibility of what my marriage could be is calling out...
The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty."
Haggai 2:9
So we have been visiting and I have been growing desperate. October has been a HORRIBLE month. I've been fighting him and I've been fighting me and its all getting a bit much. The other day I was reading my buddys blog and she was chatting about how everything gets worse before it gets better and here I am at the end of October and things are seem to be taking a turn for the interesting.
We found a church last night and at first I was really put out, by all the pretty girls, but ja - whatcha gonna do. The worship was amazing and the minister spoke about how we are all children of God. It doesn't matter what we have done, what we will do - God knew us before we were born and He loves us just the same. It was powerful....then another minister stood up and said the following thing and I felt as if God was sending a message to me. He said:
" Sometimes we are like seeds. We are buried under the ground and we think that this is the end. That its finished - its over. But if we just hang on, we will find that what is waiting for us on the other side is far greater than what we could ever imagine. If we push through, the blessing of God is far greater than what we could hope for".
And that's what my life feels like right now. I feel like I have been buried in deep shit and I am fighting for sunlight. Its cold and its dark and I am holding on to the memory of what I know my God can do. My God has never let me down and He has saved me time and time again - and here I am desperately hoping that not only that my God Saves, but my God Heals.
At the end of the service, my husband said something that I had always hoped for - but never thought possible. He said, if we settle in this church - than he would consider helping out with their tech stuff. My mind was blown. Two years ago, my husband couldn't handle church and now his talking about volunteering - wow!!!
The sunlight is warming the soil and the possibility of what my marriage could be is calling out...
The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty."
Haggai 2:9
Wednesday 24 October 2012
YOLO FATTY
My weight is a problem...I keep getting into these days when I look at my fat ass and in my head - I am like WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE. I am inspired for a day and then I let momentum slip through my fingers.
When am I am finally going to get it?? I need to exercise consistently and watch what I am eating - its a lifestyle and not a diet. If I want to be the better version of myself that exists in my head, then I need work at it.
I spent time with mom over the weekend...she has hired a maid, because she struggles to walk for more than 15 minutes. She thinks she weighs 200kgs, but she isn't sure because she thinks no scale can get up to her number. We would need an industrial scale to find out how heavy my mom is...
On saturday, 3am in damn morning - crying because my husband is an asshole, I weighed myself. 116kgs. Thats how much I weighed when I was at full term with my baby - AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
I am HUGE. It depresses me, but when am I going to hit rock bottom? I see what I can become and I don't want that. I want play with my kids, be sexy for myself and be sexy for my partner. These days I struggle with feeling in my legs when I sit. Its really bad. It goes totally lame if I sit with my leg crooked for a little bit, what the heck is that. I feel old and rickety. Oh how I miss the glory days of hip hop dancing.
I have started walking in my lunch times. Its hard to do it when I get home and I have let that be an excuse for to long ;-( So I now have my takkies with me and I go for a walk. I worry about stinking though. I am not running or anything, but a good pace definitely provides a "glow".
Today I weighed myself again and I am weighing in at 113.3kgs.
I don't understand why I weigh more in the afternoon than I do in the morning...anyways. So I am going to try and start small - just going for a walk during lunchtime and see what happens. Take it easy and just committ to baby steps...
p.s Apparently his moving desks. He won't be with Cheryl anymore - his going back to sitting with guys and by all accounts, the guy next him is a real jerk. I like it though, because it means that my husband will think twice of getting into weird shit with someone watching...
When am I am finally going to get it?? I need to exercise consistently and watch what I am eating - its a lifestyle and not a diet. If I want to be the better version of myself that exists in my head, then I need work at it.
I spent time with mom over the weekend...she has hired a maid, because she struggles to walk for more than 15 minutes. She thinks she weighs 200kgs, but she isn't sure because she thinks no scale can get up to her number. We would need an industrial scale to find out how heavy my mom is...
On saturday, 3am in damn morning - crying because my husband is an asshole, I weighed myself. 116kgs. Thats how much I weighed when I was at full term with my baby - AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
I am HUGE. It depresses me, but when am I going to hit rock bottom? I see what I can become and I don't want that. I want play with my kids, be sexy for myself and be sexy for my partner. These days I struggle with feeling in my legs when I sit. Its really bad. It goes totally lame if I sit with my leg crooked for a little bit, what the heck is that. I feel old and rickety. Oh how I miss the glory days of hip hop dancing.
I have started walking in my lunch times. Its hard to do it when I get home and I have let that be an excuse for to long ;-( So I now have my takkies with me and I go for a walk. I worry about stinking though. I am not running or anything, but a good pace definitely provides a "glow".
Today I weighed myself again and I am weighing in at 113.3kgs.
I don't understand why I weigh more in the afternoon than I do in the morning...anyways. So I am going to try and start small - just going for a walk during lunchtime and see what happens. Take it easy and just committ to baby steps...
p.s Apparently his moving desks. He won't be with Cheryl anymore - his going back to sitting with guys and by all accounts, the guy next him is a real jerk. I like it though, because it means that my husband will think twice of getting into weird shit with someone watching...
Tuesday 23 October 2012
Free e-cards
Yesterday, my husband sent me a free e-card. I stared at my inbox confused as my heart skipped a beat. He sent me something...he thought of me at point during his day and sent me something to show for it...that hasn't happended in a looong time.
I followed the link and the most shmaltzy thing I have ever seen leaped at me..definitely outside of his comfort zone. It was on par with getting a greeting card and but the only thing of him on that card was his sign off "Mwah"...elated at first - I went from there to spitting mad in a split second. I raged in my own head about how many other e-cards he could have sent out to other women?? It wasn't personal enough, it wasn't good enough...but then I reminded myself that this was big step for him. His so entrenched in his own selfishness that its a big deal for him to send me something...anything remotely emotional. And for that reason alone, I allowed myself to just accept it for what it was. A first step possibily to something greater...still mad at him for dickdom, but understanding that it was a now or never moment, I sent him one back to say thank you.
Yesterday, in car we spoke about this asshole who ran away from home because he was having problems in his marriage. This jackass faked his own high jacking, had the country looking for him - only for him to admit that he was struggling in his marriage and he wanted to see what his wife would do - then preceeded to sms his 15 year old daughter "Help hijacked" and left his car in the middle of nowhere - his now on the run from the police, because they want to arrest him for perjury. My husband casually included into the conversation, that he doesn't understand why men hurt their own families like this. Why don't men realise that the decisions they make hurt the ones they love ...they understand the toll it takes on the families..his backhanded way of apologising for the hurt his caused...his become a master at those.
He sent one again today -an e-card with an actual sentence from him saying that I was the most precious thing to him in the whole world. Maybe he did get it after all? You don't need money to say you care... Well we'll see if this is just some sort of temporary appeasement or will he be able to make this as part of his communication style with me.
I hope it is...right now a free-e card is all that stands between us the unknown.
I wonder if I'll get one tomorrow...I would like that...
I followed the link and the most shmaltzy thing I have ever seen leaped at me..definitely outside of his comfort zone. It was on par with getting a greeting card and but the only thing of him on that card was his sign off "Mwah"...elated at first - I went from there to spitting mad in a split second. I raged in my own head about how many other e-cards he could have sent out to other women?? It wasn't personal enough, it wasn't good enough...but then I reminded myself that this was big step for him. His so entrenched in his own selfishness that its a big deal for him to send me something...anything remotely emotional. And for that reason alone, I allowed myself to just accept it for what it was. A first step possibily to something greater...still mad at him for dickdom, but understanding that it was a now or never moment, I sent him one back to say thank you.
Yesterday, in car we spoke about this asshole who ran away from home because he was having problems in his marriage. This jackass faked his own high jacking, had the country looking for him - only for him to admit that he was struggling in his marriage and he wanted to see what his wife would do - then preceeded to sms his 15 year old daughter "Help hijacked" and left his car in the middle of nowhere - his now on the run from the police, because they want to arrest him for perjury. My husband casually included into the conversation, that he doesn't understand why men hurt their own families like this. Why don't men realise that the decisions they make hurt the ones they love ...they understand the toll it takes on the families..his backhanded way of apologising for the hurt his caused...his become a master at those.
He sent one again today -an e-card with an actual sentence from him saying that I was the most precious thing to him in the whole world. Maybe he did get it after all? You don't need money to say you care... Well we'll see if this is just some sort of temporary appeasement or will he be able to make this as part of his communication style with me.
I hope it is...right now a free-e card is all that stands between us the unknown.
I wonder if I'll get one tomorrow...I would like that...
Monday 22 October 2012
Blow me
"Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" - by Pink
White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clenched shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and they burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold,
But there's nothing to grasp so I let go
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (NO!)
Have you had a shit day? (NO!), we've had a shit day (NO!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
I won't miss all of the fighting that we always did,
Take it in, I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left
No more sick whiskey dick, no more battles for me
You'll be calling a trick, 'cause you'll no longer sleep
I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone
I will laugh, I'll get drunk, I'll take somebody home
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Blow me one last kiss
Blow me one last kiss
I will do what I please, anything that I want
I will breathe, I will breathe, I won't worry at all
You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the why's, will all be crystal clear
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Clenched shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and they burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold,
But there's nothing to grasp so I let go
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (NO!)
Have you had a shit day? (NO!), we've had a shit day (NO!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
I won't miss all of the fighting that we always did,
Take it in, I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left
No more sick whiskey dick, no more battles for me
You'll be calling a trick, 'cause you'll no longer sleep
I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone
I will laugh, I'll get drunk, I'll take somebody home
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Blow me one last kiss
Blow me one last kiss
I will do what I please, anything that I want
I will breathe, I will breathe, I won't worry at all
You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the why's, will all be crystal clear
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
To be passionately pursued
I have been spiralling. I keep looking at Abigails picture like she's a terrorist and I need to find her and destroy her. I can feel the bitterness tighten and tighten deep inside...I joined a chat group, because I was convinced that my husband was on it. This time I didn't punk out and got the guy to send me his picture...definitely not my husband...I felt so shitty about it that I explained that I am in fact not looking for someone to hookup with and that I thought he was my husband blah blah blah I am so sorry etc etc...I then kept on apologising like a crazy woman and I wondered why? Why couldn't I just delete the account..and then I realised its because he was paying me attention and it was dangerous. I soaked it up like a sun starved eskimo and it put me in a tailspin. I apologised one more time like a stuck record and then I went for a drive.What the hell was I doing - up to now my hands have been clean, I struck up a report with internet guy in hopes of revealing my husband, but now that I knew it wasn't him - I was in quicksand, liable to lose the moral high ground.
I wondered what wrong in my relationship with my husband - why do I keep thinking his cheating on me still? Why do I keep going round and round in circles...and I realised its because my husband is not showing me love the way I need him to. His not speaking my language. I desperately need him to be overwhelming passionate about me. I need him to TELL ME how much he cares, how much I mean to him. He has words for all these other woman, but no words for me. He buys me things and does things to show me that he cares, but I don't want things - all I want is him. I want him to share himself with me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me that I am his universe and that he would be lost without me. I want him to passionately declare himself to me and court me all over again and thats exactly what I told him...he then got angry with me. I told him that I feel rejected and unloved and he said how is it possible, when he does so many things for me...I said I appreciate all that his done, but its not what I need. Its not enough -
He was angry with me, because I needed him to speak to me...he says I keep changing things and that I am always finding something wrong with him.
That was on Thursday...on Saturday we had a shouting match. I told him that he has all these words, for all his women but he has none for me. He shouted that he would have said anything to sleep with them and I told him that his not getting the point. I don't care what he told them...what I care about is that he had a commnuication plan for these women. He wanted them and he went after them- Where is my plan? Why can't he tell me things, when he obviously has no problem talking to women...where is his passionate persuit of me? Its not enough that he does things, I need him to talk to me. We shouted at each for the next 20 minutes - me begging him to understand what I need, and him defensive what he percieved as a critism and not a cry for help. He told me that I need put my self in his shoes and understand he is has been trying and how must he feel when his been doing all these things...he even said, that maybe he should stop making me breakfast and do this instead. And thats when I finally understood - I understood that maybe I am asking him to do something that he doesn't feel. I am asking him to be passionate about me, but he can't be because thats not how he feels. He hides behind doing things like doing all the chores, making me breakfast...its all stuff, but never him.
I asked him to think about how he loves me. Does he love me like a lover or like a friend.
Its our engagement all over again. I have always felt that I pushed him into it - and to this day he says I didn't. I remember issuing an ultimatum and funny enough after he proposed - maybe two/three weeks later he found himself a prostitute. Maybe I should have just let go...and here I am again, but I won't make the same mistake twice...
I told him that I have one more thing to say and this will be end of it - I want him to note and remember that there once was a time in our marriage when I fought and begged him to share himself with me. He apologised for shouting and then that was it. He surprised me with ice-cream later. I would have been happier with a hug. Argument over.
Yesterday I went for a drive to sea and I watched a small little bird battle against the winds. Her wings pumped furiously, trying to make headway - but she stayed on exactly the same spot. She kept on trying, but the winds were to strong. Didn't she know that she was fighting against something bigger than her? Maybe she should just stop and wait for the winds to die down and try again.
I don't want to have to fight with my husband to get him to love me.
p.s. I deleted the account with internet guy - even now when things are not looking good - my marriage won't fail because I didn't try my best.
I wondered what wrong in my relationship with my husband - why do I keep thinking his cheating on me still? Why do I keep going round and round in circles...and I realised its because my husband is not showing me love the way I need him to. His not speaking my language. I desperately need him to be overwhelming passionate about me. I need him to TELL ME how much he cares, how much I mean to him. He has words for all these other woman, but no words for me. He buys me things and does things to show me that he cares, but I don't want things - all I want is him. I want him to share himself with me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me that I am his universe and that he would be lost without me. I want him to passionately declare himself to me and court me all over again and thats exactly what I told him...he then got angry with me. I told him that I feel rejected and unloved and he said how is it possible, when he does so many things for me...I said I appreciate all that his done, but its not what I need. Its not enough -
He was angry with me, because I needed him to speak to me...he says I keep changing things and that I am always finding something wrong with him.
That was on Thursday...on Saturday we had a shouting match. I told him that he has all these words, for all his women but he has none for me. He shouted that he would have said anything to sleep with them and I told him that his not getting the point. I don't care what he told them...what I care about is that he had a commnuication plan for these women. He wanted them and he went after them- Where is my plan? Why can't he tell me things, when he obviously has no problem talking to women...where is his passionate persuit of me? Its not enough that he does things, I need him to talk to me. We shouted at each for the next 20 minutes - me begging him to understand what I need, and him defensive what he percieved as a critism and not a cry for help. He told me that I need put my self in his shoes and understand he is has been trying and how must he feel when his been doing all these things...he even said, that maybe he should stop making me breakfast and do this instead. And thats when I finally understood - I understood that maybe I am asking him to do something that he doesn't feel. I am asking him to be passionate about me, but he can't be because thats not how he feels. He hides behind doing things like doing all the chores, making me breakfast...its all stuff, but never him.
I asked him to think about how he loves me. Does he love me like a lover or like a friend.
Its our engagement all over again. I have always felt that I pushed him into it - and to this day he says I didn't. I remember issuing an ultimatum and funny enough after he proposed - maybe two/three weeks later he found himself a prostitute. Maybe I should have just let go...and here I am again, but I won't make the same mistake twice...
I told him that I have one more thing to say and this will be end of it - I want him to note and remember that there once was a time in our marriage when I fought and begged him to share himself with me. He apologised for shouting and then that was it. He surprised me with ice-cream later. I would have been happier with a hug. Argument over.
Yesterday I went for a drive to sea and I watched a small little bird battle against the winds. Her wings pumped furiously, trying to make headway - but she stayed on exactly the same spot. She kept on trying, but the winds were to strong. Didn't she know that she was fighting against something bigger than her? Maybe she should just stop and wait for the winds to die down and try again.
I don't want to have to fight with my husband to get him to love me.
p.s. I deleted the account with internet guy - even now when things are not looking good - my marriage won't fail because I didn't try my best.
Thursday 18 October 2012
Tuesday 16 October 2012
Should I tell her husband?
I have been stalking Abigail (miss abby jacobs) on facebook. She is so damn ugly, that it offends me. Seriously - if he had to cheat, couldn't he have picked someone pretty? Instead, her profile pic is of her in her bra, with dark circles around her eyes looking like a damn chubby raccoon.
Why do men affair down??
So lately I have been tossing this delicious thought back and forth - befriend the husband, make nice and then tell him how amazing he is for forgiving her for the affair. What an great man he is, to still kiss the same lips that possibily caressed another mans dick. What a phenominal saint to take back a woman who spread her legs for a relative stranger, in the company meeting room no less. I wish that there more men like him out there in the world...and then act all shocked when he says, that he didn't know a damn thing...and purr at the knowledge that she is going to have to explain herself to someone that she promised loyalty to...
I want to destroy everything she has. Everything she has worked hard for...but when I am not out for blood, I think of this man. I don't him and he doesn't know me, but we are linked because our partners did. Can I do this to him - hurt him in order to hurt her? Does he deserve this kind of pain? If she is still sleeping around, he deserves to know what his married to. I hold his future in my hands...
I couldn't live with the pain I caused someone else, unless I knew deep down that it was for the best and in all honesty I don't know...
But the thought of the havoc it will cause eases the pain...its me at my most vindictive. She deserves everything she gets...
What would you do? Would you tell?
Why do men affair down??
So lately I have been tossing this delicious thought back and forth - befriend the husband, make nice and then tell him how amazing he is for forgiving her for the affair. What an great man he is, to still kiss the same lips that possibily caressed another mans dick. What a phenominal saint to take back a woman who spread her legs for a relative stranger, in the company meeting room no less. I wish that there more men like him out there in the world...and then act all shocked when he says, that he didn't know a damn thing...and purr at the knowledge that she is going to have to explain herself to someone that she promised loyalty to...
I want to destroy everything she has. Everything she has worked hard for...but when I am not out for blood, I think of this man. I don't him and he doesn't know me, but we are linked because our partners did. Can I do this to him - hurt him in order to hurt her? Does he deserve this kind of pain? If she is still sleeping around, he deserves to know what his married to. I hold his future in my hands...
I couldn't live with the pain I caused someone else, unless I knew deep down that it was for the best and in all honesty I don't know...
But the thought of the havoc it will cause eases the pain...its me at my most vindictive. She deserves everything she gets...
What would you do? Would you tell?
Thursday 11 October 2012
Abigail month
So his birthday week is almost over (he turned 28 on Tuesday). I got him a new leather wallet and then I cooked a serious breakfast, serious dinner, yummy chocolate cake and then took him out to the movies.
I did my best and he seemed okay - but in the middle of day, via slip of the tongue he referred back to his old work place, where he had his first marital affair. He hastily said, wow, I don't why I did that...and because it was his birthday I let it go but in my freaking head I just knew...
Every birthday its his chance to relive his affair with Abigail. Thats when he said things started happening with them. She was on his mind and that what he was doing.
No matter what I do - no matter how many dinner parties and TVs I buy him, it will never be good enough because October is Abigail month. Its fucking humiliating how I try my best for him, to make him feel awesome and then to know it all pales in comparison that whatever Abigail was giving up was better than my love.
What a dick...
I did my best and he seemed okay - but in the middle of day, via slip of the tongue he referred back to his old work place, where he had his first marital affair. He hastily said, wow, I don't why I did that...and because it was his birthday I let it go but in my freaking head I just knew...
Every birthday its his chance to relive his affair with Abigail. Thats when he said things started happening with them. She was on his mind and that what he was doing.
No matter what I do - no matter how many dinner parties and TVs I buy him, it will never be good enough because October is Abigail month. Its fucking humiliating how I try my best for him, to make him feel awesome and then to know it all pales in comparison that whatever Abigail was giving up was better than my love.
What a dick...
Tuesday 9 October 2012
Cheryl
He came home last night and told me that they have moved him away from his all male office in which his computer was open to anyone who wished to walk by and instead now enjoys his own desk, pc hidden from view....next door to young coloured girl. Cheryl is her name.
I am blogging because I want to remember the first day I heard her name. I wonder what will come out of it?
I am blogging because I want to remember the first day I heard her name. I wonder what will come out of it?
Monday 8 October 2012
“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past”
“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past”. — Lily Tomlin
I was ignored and abused. Second best, second place always.
It took a working of the Holy Spirit to remove the knife from my hand.
I won't go back there...not for him, not for anyone.
I have forgiven all that I can
those who should have protected me but betrayed me,
I closed my eye against indulging hate and followed a higher calling...
It took years of reconditioning and genuinely dilligently following God
until one day I woke up and it was all gone.
The pain
The fear
The tears
I came to terms with my past and my future was indeed a brighter for this
Will it happen again if I forgive now and forge ahead?
When will I decide, finally,...that I can not change what has happended and by reliving it all
I can not hope to change it...
The past is yesterday, tomorrow is yet to be decided
ALL I HAVE IS NOW AND I CAN LIVE WITH THAT
When darkness fights the light
Its all coming to a head, I am drowning in my conviction that my marriage is over and my life would be better without him. My cravings to go check out some porn is raising its ugly head and the bitterness in my spirit spills over in my glances and tone...
We were meant to go to church last weekend, but I was to tired. Yesterday, I just felt this overwhelming feeling that I didn't want to go to church even though the day before I organised for my folks to take my baby. I told myself that I should...so I started doing my hair and my flat iron broke...now my hair is awesomely curly, but it broke directly after I only did half my head - so afro one side and flat the other and thats when I knew...the devil is roaming around like lion looking for whom he can devour...and I decided even if I have to go church looking like a thug, I am putting my pride in my pocket and I am going and when I got to church I realised why the devil was trying to stop me...
Over the last weeks, a consistent theme in my head is that I know I can't trust my husband, and if his saying that I can't even trust my intuition - than I have no-one and I can't stay in a marriage like that. Within 5 minutes of walking into that church, God convicted me. How can I say that that I have no-one to trust, when God has been so faithful to me. Why do I lean on my own understanding, has God not shown me that He has always been there for me and has guided me, when I was stumbling in the darkness. Why do I place my faith in my husband and myself and then crumble when we fall short - my faith should be placed in God alone.
Hows this for weird -The sermon was around, why do we try and save ourselves - that Gods job.
And thats what I have been doing - I have been trying to save myself. The humiliation of being duped has left its scar and I am scambling to not let it happen again - but the truth is God showed me the last time - He led me into the valley, when it was the right time. I need to have faith that He will do so again, because I can't keep going on my own strength. This is to big for me.
We had communion and I recommitted myself to God. The minister reminded us that we each need to take up our cross and follow him. We need to die to ourselves in order for souls and the generations after us to be saved...is this my sacrifice? If I hang on and believe in Him despite myself and all my husbands betrayal, will we realise the plans that God has for us? I must never forget that my God is a good God and He will guide me and lead me home. My God has never let me down....
We were meant to go to church last weekend, but I was to tired. Yesterday, I just felt this overwhelming feeling that I didn't want to go to church even though the day before I organised for my folks to take my baby. I told myself that I should...so I started doing my hair and my flat iron broke...now my hair is awesomely curly, but it broke directly after I only did half my head - so afro one side and flat the other and thats when I knew...the devil is roaming around like lion looking for whom he can devour...and I decided even if I have to go church looking like a thug, I am putting my pride in my pocket and I am going and when I got to church I realised why the devil was trying to stop me...
Over the last weeks, a consistent theme in my head is that I know I can't trust my husband, and if his saying that I can't even trust my intuition - than I have no-one and I can't stay in a marriage like that. Within 5 minutes of walking into that church, God convicted me. How can I say that that I have no-one to trust, when God has been so faithful to me. Why do I lean on my own understanding, has God not shown me that He has always been there for me and has guided me, when I was stumbling in the darkness. Why do I place my faith in my husband and myself and then crumble when we fall short - my faith should be placed in God alone.
Hows this for weird -The sermon was around, why do we try and save ourselves - that Gods job.
And thats what I have been doing - I have been trying to save myself. The humiliation of being duped has left its scar and I am scambling to not let it happen again - but the truth is God showed me the last time - He led me into the valley, when it was the right time. I need to have faith that He will do so again, because I can't keep going on my own strength. This is to big for me.
We had communion and I recommitted myself to God. The minister reminded us that we each need to take up our cross and follow him. We need to die to ourselves in order for souls and the generations after us to be saved...is this my sacrifice? If I hang on and believe in Him despite myself and all my husbands betrayal, will we realise the plans that God has for us? I must never forget that my God is a good God and He will guide me and lead me home. My God has never let me down....
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs3:5-6
Sunday 7 October 2012
unravelling
Friday I walked into a local bookstore and for the first time in a long time, the Mills and Boon display got its hooks into me.It literally took my breathe away. my desire to buy some was immediate and powerful, so much so that i actually felt myself taking a step back. the last time i felt this way was when i first stopped reading.
am i about to unravel?
am i about to unravel?
How much can you fake?
He softly kissed my lips and I wondered how many times he kissed me while he pretended I was someone else.
Women can fake orgasms, but men fake whole relationships- Sharon Stone
Friday 5 October 2012
For those who don't believe no proof is possible
For those who believe no proof is necessary.
For those who don't believe no proof is possible
Stuart Close
I need to email Tammy the counsellor today and let her know, we will be following up on one of the resources she gave us. A connection to possible support groups for couples like us...stuck in the middle of hell.
During our last conversation with Tammy, she asked me the question if there is anything my husband could do to help me even start believing in him again and I was literally at a loss for words. I think she thought that I simply had no ideas on how my husband could help me...but the truth is, I have explored them all and none of it is good enough for me anymore.
In that peculiar moment of silence between question and answer, I realised that there is nothing he can do.NOT A DAMN THING.
I second guess every look, every smile. Yesterday, I heard footsteps come up the stairs at work and pathetically and invanely I had hoped that it was him. Of course it wasn't...I have began to believe the worst of him as my default setting and even though its a sad place to be, its got to be better than sitting in the sun while a bird shits on your face right?
I have wandered into the land of the unbeliever and because I am not as practiced as he with the deciet, I find that I am incapable of manufacturing a loving touch or soft smile, when all I can think is " You bastard, I wonder who you fucked today". Sometimes his voice softens with hurt, at my dismissive glance and uninterested tone...a small part of me feels sad for him, but an even bigger part rejoices at scoring one for the team. The rejection he feels is nothing compared to the searing feeling of humiliation, when he told me that while he tried to finger fuck the work colleague in their boardroom, he still had his wedding band on. Is nothing sacred anymore?
I don't know when I made my decision to pull back - it just slowly started happening. He feels it and suddenly all he can talk about is christmas and family time, holidays and our son. He knows that in my heart, my one foot is out the door and it kills him that he doesn't know how to stop it.
Well I am dying to... I am waiting for the final death blow and in the legendary words of my childhood gams...one day I will awake and I will know that its time to "Finish Him" - mortal kombat style!
Wednesday 3 October 2012
Take another piece of my heart - Beverly Knight
I am waiting for my heart to be so broken that I am incapable of feeling anything for him. Maybe then I can stay in marriage...
Song of the day:
Take Another Piece of my heart:
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man -yeah!
Didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.
I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh, yes indeed.
You're out on the streets looking good,
And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night,
Babe, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.
I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.
I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, c'mon now.
oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby.
You know you got it -whoahhhhh!!
Take it!
Take it! Take another little piece of my heart.
Song of the day:
Take Another Piece of my heart:
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man -yeah!
Didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.
I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh, yes indeed.
You're out on the streets looking good,
And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night,
Babe, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.
I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah,
Oh, oh, have a!
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.
I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, yeah, c'mon now.
oh, oh, have a
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby.
You know you got it -whoahhhhh!!
Take it!
Take it! Take another little piece of my heart.
HURT
I keep waiting...
waiting for my heart to stop hurting
waiting for my tears to not fall so readily
I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and I will believe him when he says his been faithful...
I keep praying to God, to show me what it is that I am meant to do...
I grow tired of all this waiting, hoping and praying.
What will be left of me, after all of its said and done?
I HURT.
waiting for my heart to stop hurting
waiting for my tears to not fall so readily
I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and I will believe him when he says his been faithful...
I keep praying to God, to show me what it is that I am meant to do...
I grow tired of all this waiting, hoping and praying.
What will be left of me, after all of its said and done?
I HURT.
Monday 1 October 2012
Middle aged crazy lady
So hubby, baby and I are waiting for the elevator to arrive in a swarming shopping mall. Despite the desperateness of our situation, we are having a good day. As we start moving closer and closer to the elevator, a strident angry female voice is heard. "I didn't say it...you said...I don't have to anything I don't want to do"...I looked for the source of such anger and settled on a middle aged woman. In a snapshot I saw her sneering face, his defensive posture,the daughter looking uncomfortable and I thought...I wonder what he did...
It wasn't to long ago that I would have automatically have felt sorry for the man. Shame, to have such a harridan for a wife. Poor thing, how does he cope...
But now, my first thought is...I wonder what he did to deserve it, because clearly he must have done something to deserve it. Unknowing of any fact, I immediately side with her. You go girl! Tell him off - must be asshole jerk face...they all are.
For a moment, I thought I should feel guilty about my bias - but I realised that perhaps I have just grown up. All those times I saw women look daggers at their husband, seemingly unnecessarily sharp and sounding a tinge rageful - I would think hell woman calm down. Stop bullying your husband like that...but now I know different. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. There is a lot of "mistakes" that can be made when you have married for a while and maybe she is just sick of it. She can't bring herself to leave, but neither can she believe that she actually stayed. Bitter about the self imposed sacrifice, she lashes out - impatient with him and hurting at the memories of a time when he took her loyality for granted.
This is how it ends...there is no fairytale ending. Just a life filled with trying to make it work.
It wasn't to long ago that I would have automatically have felt sorry for the man. Shame, to have such a harridan for a wife. Poor thing, how does he cope...
But now, my first thought is...I wonder what he did to deserve it, because clearly he must have done something to deserve it. Unknowing of any fact, I immediately side with her. You go girl! Tell him off - must be asshole jerk face...they all are.
For a moment, I thought I should feel guilty about my bias - but I realised that perhaps I have just grown up. All those times I saw women look daggers at their husband, seemingly unnecessarily sharp and sounding a tinge rageful - I would think hell woman calm down. Stop bullying your husband like that...but now I know different. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. There is a lot of "mistakes" that can be made when you have married for a while and maybe she is just sick of it. She can't bring herself to leave, but neither can she believe that she actually stayed. Bitter about the self imposed sacrifice, she lashes out - impatient with him and hurting at the memories of a time when he took her loyality for granted.
This is how it ends...there is no fairytale ending. Just a life filled with trying to make it work.
Conversations with Tammy
So Saturday,we dropped off our little bundle of joy at my moms place and off we went to our first session with Tammy.
We've kinda gone through counselling before with a pastor and it really helped - but the pastor was all about the actions and not the feelings and I realised on Saturday that this is a massive gap for me. I don't have an understanding of my husbands journey, because I don't understand how his feeling and therefore because I don't know, I fill in the gaps myself. I search and search to fill the void and then when I find something that I believe is evidence of his douchebaggery, I cling to it - because its all I have...right or wrong.
We confirmed that we need tools to move forward. We are at an impasse - I can't trust him and he feels like his being monitored. We spoke about our respective histories - nothing new there - but something really caught on for me as we spoke about the journey of our relationship...we spoke about our ages when we met - he was 18 and I was 20 and to hear someone else say out loud - "So you were both very young when you started your relationship" - just for some reason brought it home for me, that perhaps we were to young. He was bound to change as we all do. How many times have I told my cousins not to get married to young - people don't know who they are or what they want before they are 25 years old. I should have taken my own advice.
Second - I have begun to doubt his addiction theory. It could be because I have not walked the full recovery process with him and therefore I don't have the full picture - but I am beginning to think that while he has had copious amounts of porn around - I think it spured him on initially but after he got the taste of seeking out different women, it was about the expierience of experiencing different women and not seeking out for sexual gratification.
When we met, he had only 1 girlfriend...a long distance girfriend, whom by his accout he kissed once and touched her boobs and that was it. Then I came along and I became the sum of his entire physical sexual history. He then starts to watch an incredible amount of porn as he gets older and when the opportunity presented itself, he sought out a prostitute...and after that there was no stopping him. Older and a lot more sure of himself, he realised that he could get more women than his 15 year old self way back in the day. Thinking he would never get caught, he figured whats the harm - its just for fun. Without any moral standpoint or relationship with God, this was all to easy a choice to make. This could explain why he seemingly could change his behaviour in matter of months...he went cold turkey and apparently according to him, all he had to do was stop...now I have never heard of a true addict that could just stop. I understand addicts will try to stop and sometimes they are successful, but it can be a struggle. I never got a hint of a struggle with him. Was he just trying to minimize the damage? Possibly...
Maybe the truth is my husband isn't a porn addict, maybe his just an asshole who thought he could get away with cheating.
At the end of the session, the counsellor said that to end off we should acknowledge something about each other that we like. I couldn't do it...I felt bad about it, but I just couldn't do it. I could have told him what a great dad he is...I could have told him that he does well the husband role of bringing home the bacon...but between a man and woman, he has brought me nothing but pain and misery.
She gave us a contact details for a local support group and we will be going. I wonder what we will find...
We've kinda gone through counselling before with a pastor and it really helped - but the pastor was all about the actions and not the feelings and I realised on Saturday that this is a massive gap for me. I don't have an understanding of my husbands journey, because I don't understand how his feeling and therefore because I don't know, I fill in the gaps myself. I search and search to fill the void and then when I find something that I believe is evidence of his douchebaggery, I cling to it - because its all I have...right or wrong.
We confirmed that we need tools to move forward. We are at an impasse - I can't trust him and he feels like his being monitored. We spoke about our respective histories - nothing new there - but something really caught on for me as we spoke about the journey of our relationship...we spoke about our ages when we met - he was 18 and I was 20 and to hear someone else say out loud - "So you were both very young when you started your relationship" - just for some reason brought it home for me, that perhaps we were to young. He was bound to change as we all do. How many times have I told my cousins not to get married to young - people don't know who they are or what they want before they are 25 years old. I should have taken my own advice.
Second - I have begun to doubt his addiction theory. It could be because I have not walked the full recovery process with him and therefore I don't have the full picture - but I am beginning to think that while he has had copious amounts of porn around - I think it spured him on initially but after he got the taste of seeking out different women, it was about the expierience of experiencing different women and not seeking out for sexual gratification.
When we met, he had only 1 girlfriend...a long distance girfriend, whom by his accout he kissed once and touched her boobs and that was it. Then I came along and I became the sum of his entire physical sexual history. He then starts to watch an incredible amount of porn as he gets older and when the opportunity presented itself, he sought out a prostitute...and after that there was no stopping him. Older and a lot more sure of himself, he realised that he could get more women than his 15 year old self way back in the day. Thinking he would never get caught, he figured whats the harm - its just for fun. Without any moral standpoint or relationship with God, this was all to easy a choice to make. This could explain why he seemingly could change his behaviour in matter of months...he went cold turkey and apparently according to him, all he had to do was stop...now I have never heard of a true addict that could just stop. I understand addicts will try to stop and sometimes they are successful, but it can be a struggle. I never got a hint of a struggle with him. Was he just trying to minimize the damage? Possibly...
Maybe the truth is my husband isn't a porn addict, maybe his just an asshole who thought he could get away with cheating.
At the end of the session, the counsellor said that to end off we should acknowledge something about each other that we like. I couldn't do it...I felt bad about it, but I just couldn't do it. I could have told him what a great dad he is...I could have told him that he does well the husband role of bringing home the bacon...but between a man and woman, he has brought me nothing but pain and misery.
She gave us a contact details for a local support group and we will be going. I wonder what we will find...
Wednesday 26 September 2012
Men by Maya Angelou
Men
When I was young, I used to
Watch behind the curtains
As men walked up and down the street. Wino men, old men.
Young men sharp as mustard.
See them. Men are always
Going somewhere.
They knew I was there. Fifteen
Years old and starving for them.
Under my window, they would pauses,
Their shoulders high like the
Breasts of a young girl,
Jacket tails slapping over
Those behinds,
Men.
One day they hold you in the
Palms of their hands, gentle, as if you
Were the last raw egg in the world. Then
They tighten up. Just a little. The
First squeeze is nice. A quick hug.
Soft into your defenselessness. A little
More. The hurt begins. Wrench out a
Smile that slides around the fear. When the
Air disappears,
Your mind pops, exploding fiercely, briefly,
Like the head of a kitchen match. Shattered.
It is your juice
That runs down their legs. Staining their shoes.
When the earth rights itself again,
And taste tries to return to the tongue,
Your body has slammed shut. Forever.
No keys exist.
Then the window draws full upon
Your mind. There, just beyond
The sway of curtains, men walk.
Knowing something.
Going someplace.
But this time, I will simply
Stand and watch.
Maybe.
Watch behind the curtains
As men walked up and down the street. Wino men, old men.
Young men sharp as mustard.
See them. Men are always
Going somewhere.
They knew I was there. Fifteen
Years old and starving for them.
Under my window, they would pauses,
Their shoulders high like the
Breasts of a young girl,
Jacket tails slapping over
Those behinds,
Men.
One day they hold you in the
Palms of their hands, gentle, as if you
Were the last raw egg in the world. Then
They tighten up. Just a little. The
First squeeze is nice. A quick hug.
Soft into your defenselessness. A little
More. The hurt begins. Wrench out a
Smile that slides around the fear. When the
Air disappears,
Your mind pops, exploding fiercely, briefly,
Like the head of a kitchen match. Shattered.
It is your juice
That runs down their legs. Staining their shoes.
When the earth rights itself again,
And taste tries to return to the tongue,
Your body has slammed shut. Forever.
No keys exist.
Then the window draws full upon
Your mind. There, just beyond
The sway of curtains, men walk.
Knowing something.
Going someplace.
But this time, I will simply
Stand and watch.
Maybe.
Maya Angelou
Just my imagination
I grieve for my romantic illusions. My dreams of happily ever after seems childish in the light of day, as I forge ahead with the weight of experience bowing my shoulders.
I came across the cartoon of Calvin and Hobbes and in a way, I feel like this is what happened. One day, me and romance and devoted love spoke and laughed together, then reality intruded and what before seemed real enough to taste and touch, softly dimmed until I realised that the love I thought I had, was just my imagination.
I came across the cartoon of Calvin and Hobbes and in a way, I feel like this is what happened. One day, me and romance and devoted love spoke and laughed together, then reality intruded and what before seemed real enough to taste and touch, softly dimmed until I realised that the love I thought I had, was just my imagination.
#7 truth about infidelity
You will never be the same again. You can only hope to become a stronger and wiser version of you...but the truth is that light will never shine as brightly from your eyes as it did before when you looked at him and your smile will be measured in an unconscious effort to not give all of yourself again.
Tuesday 25 September 2012
Its in his kiss
Kisses...I am teaching my husband how I liked to be kissed. I figure since he apparently is the village bicyle why not get something out of it. He wants to act like a tramp, why not treat him like one?
So previously when we first started going out and every now and then I brought up the way we kiss. I enjoy french kissing. My husband hates it. He says it makes him feel shy...this from a guy who groped a strange woman on a train (they apparently had met each other online and decided to meet on the train...he says thats all that happened...I don't believe him, anyways...). So he has always felt uncomfortable frenching and to me it has been a major loss in the "wanting to feel desired" department. So it always been lip to lip, slightly open mouthed maybe sometimes...it really sucked.
So I have decided that thats enough of that shit. From now on, he needs to please me - so I set about teaching him how I liked to be kissed. Its not a dominatrix kind of thing, but I am easing him into it - instructing him as we go along and I am enjoying it immensely.
So we're in bed and things are going well and afterwards I ask him how the kissing is feeling for him. He told me that he feels shy again...I laughed at him and told him how is it possible for him to feel shy after all he has done. He pretended to sleep after that...I don't know why I said it, maybe to hurt him...maybe to support my feeling that what he wants doesn't matter anymore. His been so selfish in bed that I am sick of not feeling desired, because he feels "shy". I bet he wasn't feeling shy when he paid that prostitue to suck his d*ck or when he fingered his work colleague in their company's boardroom. So thats enough of that...if I am going to stay in this marriage, the least he can do is learn how to kiss me properly.
So previously when we first started going out and every now and then I brought up the way we kiss. I enjoy french kissing. My husband hates it. He says it makes him feel shy...this from a guy who groped a strange woman on a train (they apparently had met each other online and decided to meet on the train...he says thats all that happened...I don't believe him, anyways...). So he has always felt uncomfortable frenching and to me it has been a major loss in the "wanting to feel desired" department. So it always been lip to lip, slightly open mouthed maybe sometimes...it really sucked.
So I have decided that thats enough of that shit. From now on, he needs to please me - so I set about teaching him how I liked to be kissed. Its not a dominatrix kind of thing, but I am easing him into it - instructing him as we go along and I am enjoying it immensely.
So we're in bed and things are going well and afterwards I ask him how the kissing is feeling for him. He told me that he feels shy again...I laughed at him and told him how is it possible for him to feel shy after all he has done. He pretended to sleep after that...I don't know why I said it, maybe to hurt him...maybe to support my feeling that what he wants doesn't matter anymore. His been so selfish in bed that I am sick of not feeling desired, because he feels "shy". I bet he wasn't feeling shy when he paid that prostitue to suck his d*ck or when he fingered his work colleague in their company's boardroom. So thats enough of that...if I am going to stay in this marriage, the least he can do is learn how to kiss me properly.
Wednesday 19 September 2012
unexpected consequences
Look I had to blog about this, because its become so damn
embarressing. I have been increasingly stressed out about my husbands
shinanigans and I have always carried stress in my body. I don't sleep
well, I am constantly emotionally eating, I get the runs and I am prone
to crying jags.
So over the last while I have realised that I have also started to get hectic chest pains and whatnot, every time I think about my husband...and last night I realised that I am also been quite...flatulent LOL Yesterday OMW, I just bent over to put my son in his car seat and damn it, I am glad I was in a loud parking lot because it sounded like I was heralding the second coming.
And then I realised that I have actually been fluffing virtually uncontrollaby for at least the past three weeks. I thought maybe it was food? But no...I think its my tummy getting all upset and then bam...
The other day I barely escaped my office before one slipped out...you know those high pitched ones that sqeek past the cheeks. Its getting bad! Luckly for the most part, there doesn't seem to be a hectic smell - but how soon will my luck last?
Yesterday I was in a meeting with a client and what would have happended if I just turned to quickly???
So there you have it...my husbands cheating has given me gas. It doesn't help when I am trying to look all hot for him and these little bubbles of fumes creep out LOL Man, I can't believe it myself...
So over the last while I have realised that I have also started to get hectic chest pains and whatnot, every time I think about my husband...and last night I realised that I am also been quite...flatulent LOL Yesterday OMW, I just bent over to put my son in his car seat and damn it, I am glad I was in a loud parking lot because it sounded like I was heralding the second coming.
And then I realised that I have actually been fluffing virtually uncontrollaby for at least the past three weeks. I thought maybe it was food? But no...I think its my tummy getting all upset and then bam...
The other day I barely escaped my office before one slipped out...you know those high pitched ones that sqeek past the cheeks. Its getting bad! Luckly for the most part, there doesn't seem to be a hectic smell - but how soon will my luck last?
Yesterday I was in a meeting with a client and what would have happended if I just turned to quickly???
So there you have it...my husbands cheating has given me gas. It doesn't help when I am trying to look all hot for him and these little bubbles of fumes creep out LOL Man, I can't believe it myself...
Paranoi my good friend...
Through the years there has been this consistent messaging from various sectors that we shouldn't allow our feelings to rule over our minds, that we need to push past them and not let it control us.
And I get it - sometimes your feelings can lead you astray. They are transient and often are formed by expieriences that have no bearing in the present... for me this applied directly to my own mini porn addiction. I read so many bodice rippers that I believe it numbed my ability to have a normal sexual relationship with my husband because I expected to have the constant intense feelings that litter that kind of literature...and when those feelings aren't there, you think you're not in love. So yeah, feelings sometimes are not your friend - but what about the role of feelings and intuition when it comes to infidelity and more specifically feelings post discovery.
Should our feelings be considered paranoi or intuition? Are our feelings based on our own version of a post traumatic stress disorder and therefore unreliable at worst or red flags at best?
Yesterday I realised that for me it doesn't matter. I know my husband is untrustworthy and I would be foolish to even consider him as a source of real information, so all I have is me...me and my feelings. My feelings helped me to understand that something was wrong that led me to his discovery. My feelings told me that he was a lying peice of a shit, when on the surface he gave a performance of a lifetime. I believed that God used my feelings to save me - its all I had when I had no evidence to go on. However there is a difference now, previously I believe that God directed to me the key questions that eventually led for all his deceit to surface. I never had a sense that I was alone...but now I do. My feelings aren't accompanied by a soothing and calming next step. I feel alone with my feelings and makes me wonder if I am in fact going crazy. But even then...isn't that enough to leave?
How can I stay, if I can't even trust myself enough to know when his up to no good? I can't bear being tossed around by my feelings. I would leave just for calmness sake...
My husband seems to think that my staying is hanging on his ability to be honest and for a while I thought so to - but I have since discovered that far more critical than this is not whether I can trust my husband again, its whether I can trust myself.
And I get it - sometimes your feelings can lead you astray. They are transient and often are formed by expieriences that have no bearing in the present... for me this applied directly to my own mini porn addiction. I read so many bodice rippers that I believe it numbed my ability to have a normal sexual relationship with my husband because I expected to have the constant intense feelings that litter that kind of literature...and when those feelings aren't there, you think you're not in love. So yeah, feelings sometimes are not your friend - but what about the role of feelings and intuition when it comes to infidelity and more specifically feelings post discovery.
Should our feelings be considered paranoi or intuition? Are our feelings based on our own version of a post traumatic stress disorder and therefore unreliable at worst or red flags at best?
Yesterday I realised that for me it doesn't matter. I know my husband is untrustworthy and I would be foolish to even consider him as a source of real information, so all I have is me...me and my feelings. My feelings helped me to understand that something was wrong that led me to his discovery. My feelings told me that he was a lying peice of a shit, when on the surface he gave a performance of a lifetime. I believed that God used my feelings to save me - its all I had when I had no evidence to go on. However there is a difference now, previously I believe that God directed to me the key questions that eventually led for all his deceit to surface. I never had a sense that I was alone...but now I do. My feelings aren't accompanied by a soothing and calming next step. I feel alone with my feelings and makes me wonder if I am in fact going crazy. But even then...isn't that enough to leave?
How can I stay, if I can't even trust myself enough to know when his up to no good? I can't bear being tossed around by my feelings. I would leave just for calmness sake...
My husband seems to think that my staying is hanging on his ability to be honest and for a while I thought so to - but I have since discovered that far more critical than this is not whether I can trust my husband again, its whether I can trust myself.
Tuesday 18 September 2012
truth#6 about infidelity
The joy of stolen moments will cost you a lifetime of regret. Passionate words will turn into bitter memories as you ask yourself the question...was it worth it?
Monday 17 September 2012
Waiting for Love to Die
I told him this weekend that I am really struggling. I told him its like suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I have these episodes of obsessiveness...I search and search for anything that will tell me his cheating again. He has no idea what his done to me and I am tired of feeling crazy and sad. He tells me that internet guy isn't him...well I think it is. I am open to the possibility that its not, but then my feelings are simply just pointing to a bigger problem... that I don't trust him anymore.
Every day is an opportunity for him to be screwing some chick from work or whoring with some prostitute he found on the street..and its killing me literally. My heart is aching and a heart attack seems immenint. While dying of a broken heart sounds woefully romantic, I have realised that I am not going out this way. So what am I waiting for? I look at my son and I think that this wasn't the life I wanted for him.To come from a broken home with a dad he sees every now and then. I feel like I have let him down.I look at my husband and I am filled with love for him...I wasn't the one who strayed - I was steadfast and true, because I loved him...and now it feels like I am waiting for my love to die.
I have been thinking of our joint savings and the money we put aside to go on holiday next year. I'm thinking that we can split it 50/50. I will buy some old second hand car, so I can get my son from place to place...I'm thinking that even if I can't afford the bond, we can sell our home and I buy a flat for us. First prize though would be for me to keep the house. I have made a note to make an appointment to get my drivers liscence and to get our house appraised.
4 things happened this weekend, that has made really think about what it is that I want.
1. My uncle died. He was married to a bitch. She would insult him and put him down in front of everyone. Last week he told my sister, that when it comes to marriage you have to take the bitter with the sweet. He died in church yesterday. He was old, so I'm not feeling to cut up about it, but it did get me thinking...whats the point of it all, if the bitter outweighs the sweet? Life is different now, you don't need to spend 60 years with someone who treats you like shit and then comfort yourself with "you must take the bitter with the sweet". I wonder if he would do it all again, if he knew that this was how it was all going to end...
2. There is mould on our bedroom ceiling. In the early days post DDay my husband painted our ceiling because it looked terrible with all the mould. So he painted it white and it looked good. Lately the mould has come through the white and it now it looks yucky again.In many ways its like my marriage...it was ugly and instead of fixing the problem, my husband merely covered the ugliness with behaviour he thought I wanted to see.But nothing underneath had changed and now the ugliness is shining through...
3. He cried this weekend and told me that he loves me and that there is nothing more he can do to prove it. He sounded desperate. He buried his face against my neck and sobbed...and I remembered last year how he would cry as he wove lie upon lie...story upon story...and how I would believe him until something didn't quite make sense and the mess would unravell around me. He lies and lies with his pretty eyes and trembling lips...
4. Funnily enough it was something small. I have become present to that fact that he doesn't visit me at work during the week. He works 5 minutes away and he never comes by for a cup of coffee. We had a massive fight about it about 3 months ago...looking back I feel pathetic. Even though his cheated on me for 4 years, I told him that I would really like it if he came for lunch every now and then. He told me that he couldn't for a number of reasons...all of which didn't hold much water. For my birthday he dropped by for a pity lunch and since then I haven't seen him. I was training a week agao and he emailed me during my training day and asked if I wanted to go for lunch. He knew I couldn't...but even then giving him the benefit of the doubt, he never tried again. 5 minutes away...and my husband won't even come and see me for a cup of coffee without me begging him to.
I feel like I have given the year I promised to give, to see if I could manage. It turns out I can't. So today I found a counsellor as my last ditch attempt before asking for a divorce. The idea is talk through whats happening with me. To equip me with tools to either improve the disaster that is my marriage or to help me explore divorce.
All I know for sure right now is that I long for happiness. I feel sad in my marriage and my doubt in my husband is driving me crazy. Life as it currently is, is not working for me. I am not looking for a quick solution. I searching for hope and a promise of a better life.
It irks me a little, that if we get divorced he won't have any problems finding a partner and I will probably struggle...but I am finally experiencing the truth that I would rather be happy and alone then be miserable with someone else.
Every day is an opportunity for him to be screwing some chick from work or whoring with some prostitute he found on the street..and its killing me literally. My heart is aching and a heart attack seems immenint. While dying of a broken heart sounds woefully romantic, I have realised that I am not going out this way. So what am I waiting for? I look at my son and I think that this wasn't the life I wanted for him.To come from a broken home with a dad he sees every now and then. I feel like I have let him down.I look at my husband and I am filled with love for him...I wasn't the one who strayed - I was steadfast and true, because I loved him...and now it feels like I am waiting for my love to die.
 |
| I wish upon a wish, that my heart was stronger than your arrow |
4 things happened this weekend, that has made really think about what it is that I want.
1. My uncle died. He was married to a bitch. She would insult him and put him down in front of everyone. Last week he told my sister, that when it comes to marriage you have to take the bitter with the sweet. He died in church yesterday. He was old, so I'm not feeling to cut up about it, but it did get me thinking...whats the point of it all, if the bitter outweighs the sweet? Life is different now, you don't need to spend 60 years with someone who treats you like shit and then comfort yourself with "you must take the bitter with the sweet". I wonder if he would do it all again, if he knew that this was how it was all going to end...
2. There is mould on our bedroom ceiling. In the early days post DDay my husband painted our ceiling because it looked terrible with all the mould. So he painted it white and it looked good. Lately the mould has come through the white and it now it looks yucky again.In many ways its like my marriage...it was ugly and instead of fixing the problem, my husband merely covered the ugliness with behaviour he thought I wanted to see.But nothing underneath had changed and now the ugliness is shining through...
3. He cried this weekend and told me that he loves me and that there is nothing more he can do to prove it. He sounded desperate. He buried his face against my neck and sobbed...and I remembered last year how he would cry as he wove lie upon lie...story upon story...and how I would believe him until something didn't quite make sense and the mess would unravell around me. He lies and lies with his pretty eyes and trembling lips...
4. Funnily enough it was something small. I have become present to that fact that he doesn't visit me at work during the week. He works 5 minutes away and he never comes by for a cup of coffee. We had a massive fight about it about 3 months ago...looking back I feel pathetic. Even though his cheated on me for 4 years, I told him that I would really like it if he came for lunch every now and then. He told me that he couldn't for a number of reasons...all of which didn't hold much water. For my birthday he dropped by for a pity lunch and since then I haven't seen him. I was training a week agao and he emailed me during my training day and asked if I wanted to go for lunch. He knew I couldn't...but even then giving him the benefit of the doubt, he never tried again. 5 minutes away...and my husband won't even come and see me for a cup of coffee without me begging him to.
I feel like I have given the year I promised to give, to see if I could manage. It turns out I can't. So today I found a counsellor as my last ditch attempt before asking for a divorce. The idea is talk through whats happening with me. To equip me with tools to either improve the disaster that is my marriage or to help me explore divorce.
All I know for sure right now is that I long for happiness. I feel sad in my marriage and my doubt in my husband is driving me crazy. Life as it currently is, is not working for me. I am not looking for a quick solution. I searching for hope and a promise of a better life.
It irks me a little, that if we get divorced he won't have any problems finding a partner and I will probably struggle...but I am finally experiencing the truth that I would rather be happy and alone then be miserable with someone else.
Thursday 13 September 2012
I am in serious trouble
I am struggling guys. My brilliant plan to dupe via using a fake profile on Badoo, didn't work out. Deception is so foreign to me, that I am no match for him. I can only last a couple of days with any of my cunning plans to bring him to book and then I blurt it all out.
This morning, in our little black golf. I looked at him as I opened up with " I know what you've been doing". . I told him about the website and that I saw a profile that I thought was his. He swallowed ...hard...out of fear? Nervousness? I watched his side profile for any hint of a lie - he came out swinging. "I don't know what you think you saw, but I am not any social networking sites...I've stayed away...I'm not doing anything" he said I should keep speaking to the guy and I will find out for myself that its not him...the problem with that, is that internet guy has dissapeared after I slipped up in one of my responses to him. The rythym of my speech and the way I flirted was exactly what I would say and do with my husband...since then, nothing. Gone...
My chest is hurting.Its beginning to happen more regularly now. Its a sharp pain that feels like its under my breast plate. Sometimes its on the right side, but more often than not, its on my left. Sometimes my left arm feels weird. Its not sore...its just...different. I think its the constant stress of wondering whether my husband is fucking some whore...maybe its from the idea, that maybe that would be okay as long as his good to our son and me. Thats how other women do it right and they manage...maybe I could be that kind of woman too.
Its just that...I wanted the hero.I always told my husband that the reason why I thought we were a great couple was because I knew he would be able to carry on without me...only to find that thats not what I want after all. I want love beyond all reason...I want the loyalty to the point of him wanting to be my second shadow. I want a man who would miss me, if I were to leave even for a week. My husband is not this man.
Maybe I am having a bad week - but more often than not, I am wondering whether a trial seperation would be great. I have asked him to move into our second bedroom before...but this is different. It would be feel out what living without him would be like. To have one day of peace, where I don't have to look at his face and wondering how can someone so beautiful, be so ugly inside.I would want to know if I would be in fact a lot happier without him.The only thing stopping me, is that I don't like a back and forth thing going on. For me, I enjoy making decisions and sticking to them. If he leaves...I am not sure whether I would take him back, even if I wanted to, out of fear that I would only ask him to leave once again sometime further down the line.
Guys ANY advice? How did you manage to stay sane after all our partners have done?
This morning, in our little black golf. I looked at him as I opened up with " I know what you've been doing". . I told him about the website and that I saw a profile that I thought was his. He swallowed ...hard...out of fear? Nervousness? I watched his side profile for any hint of a lie - he came out swinging. "I don't know what you think you saw, but I am not any social networking sites...I've stayed away...I'm not doing anything" he said I should keep speaking to the guy and I will find out for myself that its not him...the problem with that, is that internet guy has dissapeared after I slipped up in one of my responses to him. The rythym of my speech and the way I flirted was exactly what I would say and do with my husband...since then, nothing. Gone...
My chest is hurting.Its beginning to happen more regularly now. Its a sharp pain that feels like its under my breast plate. Sometimes its on the right side, but more often than not, its on my left. Sometimes my left arm feels weird. Its not sore...its just...different. I think its the constant stress of wondering whether my husband is fucking some whore...maybe its from the idea, that maybe that would be okay as long as his good to our son and me. Thats how other women do it right and they manage...maybe I could be that kind of woman too.
Its just that...I wanted the hero.I always told my husband that the reason why I thought we were a great couple was because I knew he would be able to carry on without me...only to find that thats not what I want after all. I want love beyond all reason...I want the loyalty to the point of him wanting to be my second shadow. I want a man who would miss me, if I were to leave even for a week. My husband is not this man.
Maybe I am having a bad week - but more often than not, I am wondering whether a trial seperation would be great. I have asked him to move into our second bedroom before...but this is different. It would be feel out what living without him would be like. To have one day of peace, where I don't have to look at his face and wondering how can someone so beautiful, be so ugly inside.I would want to know if I would be in fact a lot happier without him.The only thing stopping me, is that I don't like a back and forth thing going on. For me, I enjoy making decisions and sticking to them. If he leaves...I am not sure whether I would take him back, even if I wanted to, out of fear that I would only ask him to leave once again sometime further down the line.
Guys ANY advice? How did you manage to stay sane after all our partners have done?
Tuesday 11 September 2012
Internet guy...GAG
Last week I trained. 5 days a week, all day. I loved it - I love supporting people to stretch into their potential. We are so capable of so much! The last time I trained, I was a wreck. I was pregnant and was training a counselling course...it was weird - standing neck deep in my own crises while training on counselling methodolgy was surreal.
One day last week, I have one of my obessive compulsive moments and scanned the internet for any chatrooms he could be in. I found one I think...there is something off about the pic and the personal information. It doesn't match and yet...something tells me this could be my husband...well him or any of the thousands of married men out there looking for a quicky. It could be my paranoi and that would be awesome - but his to self-centered to realise that now that I know the score, never again will I be so easily blinded to the truth. So I set up a profile, saying all the right things with the right kind of picture. I messaged him and he messaged back, with a very casual hello. Last night we were supposed to "meet" to chat, but he didn't come. Does he know its me? Am I perhaps to perfect? Last night for the first time in months, he spoke about his wedding band. During "Fuckyou" gate of 2011, I told him I don't want him wearing it anymore, because it doesn't mean anything and then when I chucked him out, I gave it to him saying that I don't want it and he should take it with him. So last night out of nowhere, he tells me this story about someone at his work questioning whether his really married because he doesn't wear a ring and then he asked my permission to wear it again...it all seems really suspicious. After chatting to my fake persona, he now wants to show the world how committed he is... thats exactlyhow he used to be.
My husband loved having people admire him and think his the best husband/son in law/son in the world, while he carried on his shady dealings on the side. Am I seeing a re-establishment of a pattern?
There is no way I am getting hot and heavy over the net. Its a line I won't cross, so I need him to reveal his hand before then. But how? Last night I kept checking my phone, hoping that internet guy would message me, while my husband sat beside me, but nothing. Today I will try again and wait for him online...I will be young, stupid and needing someone to make a woman out of me GAG.
I feel a little sorry for my husband. If internet guy doesn't respond, then I will think its my husband and he has somehow caught onto me- the only way out is for internet guy to send me his real pic or agree to meet me somewhere, so I can see for myself that its not my husband.
I am constantly searching for evidence that his cheating. Will I ever be satisfied?
One day last week, I have one of my obessive compulsive moments and scanned the internet for any chatrooms he could be in. I found one I think...there is something off about the pic and the personal information. It doesn't match and yet...something tells me this could be my husband...well him or any of the thousands of married men out there looking for a quicky. It could be my paranoi and that would be awesome - but his to self-centered to realise that now that I know the score, never again will I be so easily blinded to the truth. So I set up a profile, saying all the right things with the right kind of picture. I messaged him and he messaged back, with a very casual hello. Last night we were supposed to "meet" to chat, but he didn't come. Does he know its me? Am I perhaps to perfect? Last night for the first time in months, he spoke about his wedding band. During "Fuckyou" gate of 2011, I told him I don't want him wearing it anymore, because it doesn't mean anything and then when I chucked him out, I gave it to him saying that I don't want it and he should take it with him. So last night out of nowhere, he tells me this story about someone at his work questioning whether his really married because he doesn't wear a ring and then he asked my permission to wear it again...it all seems really suspicious. After chatting to my fake persona, he now wants to show the world how committed he is... thats exactlyhow he used to be.
My husband loved having people admire him and think his the best husband/son in law/son in the world, while he carried on his shady dealings on the side. Am I seeing a re-establishment of a pattern?
There is no way I am getting hot and heavy over the net. Its a line I won't cross, so I need him to reveal his hand before then. But how? Last night I kept checking my phone, hoping that internet guy would message me, while my husband sat beside me, but nothing. Today I will try again and wait for him online...I will be young, stupid and needing someone to make a woman out of me GAG.
I feel a little sorry for my husband. If internet guy doesn't respond, then I will think its my husband and he has somehow caught onto me- the only way out is for internet guy to send me his real pic or agree to meet me somewhere, so I can see for myself that its not my husband.
I am constantly searching for evidence that his cheating. Will I ever be satisfied?
Wednesday 29 August 2012
truth#4 about infidelity
Your weight matters. It shouldn't, but it does. There are women and men out there, who make sport of finding married people to have affairs with. We have partners who are looking for next available person. Look after yourself and give your partner something to be proud of.
A wife picking up weight, is not an excuse for a man to cheat - but just because its not rational, doesn't mean its not real.
A wife picking up weight, is not an excuse for a man to cheat - but just because its not rational, doesn't mean its not real.
My song
The other day, I read a post about a woman who shared that she knew her husband was sending red roses to another woman. She made mention that there once was a time when he did the same for her, but she told him that it takes no effort to do it and basically derided his attempt...and now he sends red roses to someone else.
When husband and I started dating, he was sweet. The hip hop princess I was, often teased him and scoffed at his attempt at romance. I remember once on a valentines day, he sang me a song. One in a million from Basson. I no idea who that even was...I laughed at him and said it was corny. He never sang for me again, no matter how often I apologised through the years. This weekend I heard the song again while watching Miss Congeniality. I had bittersweet realisation that thats the only song of us,that hasn't been polluted by his addiction. It was before all of this...when his heart of mine and pure. I was sad that I had not treasured it enough at the time, but I am glad that I finally have a song to call my own.
It seems that some of the words were prophetic, for what we would encounter - but now nesteled between skank anansie, eva cassidy and Israel Houghton is this one track on my playlist and I play it to remind myself of a time when we were in love and so sure that nothing would part us.
Here are the lyrics:
Your one in a million
Oh
Now
Your one in a million
Oh
Sometimes love can hit you everyday
Sometimes you can fall for everyone you see
But only one can really make me stay
A sign
From the sky
Said to me
[Chorus]
You're one in a million
You're once in a lifetime
You made me discover one of the stars above us
You're one in a million
You're once in a lifetime
You made me discover one of the stars above us
I've been looking for that special one
And I've been searching for someone to give my love
And when I thought that all the hope was gone
You smiled, there you were, and I was gone
I always will remember how I felt that day
A feeling indescribable to me
Yeah
I always knew there was an answer for my prayer
And you, you're the one, the one for me
[Chorus]
You're one in a million
(ooooooooooooooo)
You made me discover one of the stars above us
(ooooooooooooooo)
You're one in a million
(ooooooooooooooo)
You made me discover one of the stars above us
In the beginning I was cool and everything was possible
they tried to catch me but it wasn't possible
No one could hurt me it was my game
Until I met you baby and we're the same
And when you didn't want me, I wanted you
Because the finer thing about it was I like the show
I like it when its difficult, I like it when its hard
and You know it's worth it ,that you found your heart
wooooooooo
woooooo
woooooOOOOooo
woooo
woooo
[Chorus x2]
You're one in a million
OOOOOOh
oooooooooo
You're one in a millïon
When husband and I started dating, he was sweet. The hip hop princess I was, often teased him and scoffed at his attempt at romance. I remember once on a valentines day, he sang me a song. One in a million from Basson. I no idea who that even was...I laughed at him and said it was corny. He never sang for me again, no matter how often I apologised through the years. This weekend I heard the song again while watching Miss Congeniality. I had bittersweet realisation that thats the only song of us,that hasn't been polluted by his addiction. It was before all of this...when his heart of mine and pure. I was sad that I had not treasured it enough at the time, but I am glad that I finally have a song to call my own.
It seems that some of the words were prophetic, for what we would encounter - but now nesteled between skank anansie, eva cassidy and Israel Houghton is this one track on my playlist and I play it to remind myself of a time when we were in love and so sure that nothing would part us.
Here are the lyrics:
One a million
Your one in a million
Oh
Now
Your one in a million
Oh
Sometimes love can hit you everyday
Sometimes you can fall for everyone you see
But only one can really make me stay
A sign
From the sky
Said to me
[Chorus]
You're one in a million
You're once in a lifetime
You made me discover one of the stars above us
You're one in a million
You're once in a lifetime
You made me discover one of the stars above us
I've been looking for that special one
And I've been searching for someone to give my love
And when I thought that all the hope was gone
You smiled, there you were, and I was gone
I always will remember how I felt that day
A feeling indescribable to me
Yeah
I always knew there was an answer for my prayer
And you, you're the one, the one for me
[Chorus]
You're one in a million
(ooooooooooooooo)
You made me discover one of the stars above us
(ooooooooooooooo)
You're one in a million
(ooooooooooooooo)
You made me discover one of the stars above us
In the beginning I was cool and everything was possible
they tried to catch me but it wasn't possible
No one could hurt me it was my game
Until I met you baby and we're the same
And when you didn't want me, I wanted you
Because the finer thing about it was I like the show
I like it when its difficult, I like it when its hard
and You know it's worth it ,that you found your heart
wooooooooo
woooooo
woooooOOOOooo
woooo
woooo
[Chorus x2]
You're one in a million
OOOOOOh
oooooooooo
You're one in a millïon
Thursday 23 August 2012
Everything must change
This week I heard, that we didn't get a big proposal. It means that past December, we have no idea what will happen. Last year I was retrenched and rehired and I can't do it again. So I am looking for other jobs..but here is the thing
I don't want to settle. I don't want to have a job, I want a career. I want to feel good about what I am doing and proud of the contribution I am making in society---but because of the time, all I see is jobs and not careers. I would give my all, if I could get a job at the UN or work with a global agency that address woman and child empowerment and development. I want to move forward and not back...even though its come about in a crappy way, this is opportunity for me to rise up and seize something amazing and wonderful - but the life of me, I can't find it.
If I don't find an extension of my career, I will have to settle for a job because bills still need to be paid.
At times like this, I wish I could get a career in a foreign land - new surroundings, new people. I am open to universe and I am ready to learn, but please, please just don't take me backwards...
I don't want to settle. I don't want to have a job, I want a career. I want to feel good about what I am doing and proud of the contribution I am making in society---but because of the time, all I see is jobs and not careers. I would give my all, if I could get a job at the UN or work with a global agency that address woman and child empowerment and development. I want to move forward and not back...even though its come about in a crappy way, this is opportunity for me to rise up and seize something amazing and wonderful - but the life of me, I can't find it.
If I don't find an extension of my career, I will have to settle for a job because bills still need to be paid.
At times like this, I wish I could get a career in a foreign land - new surroundings, new people. I am open to universe and I am ready to learn, but please, please just don't take me backwards...
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Moments of assholedom
When he was steeped in his addiction - emotionally he was absent and this meant that sometimes he acted like a complete asshole. Right now, his trying to find healthy coping mechanisms for his frustation and anger and porn used to be his to go to feel better remedy. But every now and then, he acts like a complete jerk.
So last night, I made dinner - which I don't do often as he generally cooks. I make curry and decided to add vegetables on the side. He lost it. He sulked and told me that I ruined his meal, like a child he seperated the veggies and meat so it wouldn't touch other and after he was done eating the curry, he threw away the veggies in the bin.
I threw a fit of note!! Before I would have been so hurt and upset, I would have cried and wondered whats wrong with him. But this time, I realised that I have given him to much power by excusing inexcusable behaviour. I have been to soft for to long and its time to grow a set. So the two of us sat down for a "little chat" about his absolute disrepect for me. OH MY WORD people, I have never heard a grown man sound like such a belligerent brat before. "But I didn't like it", "I didn't like the texture" blah blah...so I ran through a couple of experiential exercises with him and I think he finally got the point.But its got me thinking...
I am starting to think that he has a serious problem with empathy. He struggles to relate to other people and how his actions will have impact on people. He is totally absorbed into himself. Is this a consequence of his addiction - his inability to connect and care about other people or perhaps better put, has it resulted in his inability to put others in front of himself?
Its such a foreign concept to me - I have chosen to live a life of being in service to others - how do you get to be the kind of person he is? I blame his dad...but I blame him more. We can choose to be different. We can choose to change.
I am glad his in recovery, but that doesn't mean its enough for me to stay. We all have our bad days - but if his way of being is to be asshole, I choose not to play the bitch or the victim. I would rather be alone and happy than married and miserable.
So last night, I made dinner - which I don't do often as he generally cooks. I make curry and decided to add vegetables on the side. He lost it. He sulked and told me that I ruined his meal, like a child he seperated the veggies and meat so it wouldn't touch other and after he was done eating the curry, he threw away the veggies in the bin.
I threw a fit of note!! Before I would have been so hurt and upset, I would have cried and wondered whats wrong with him. But this time, I realised that I have given him to much power by excusing inexcusable behaviour. I have been to soft for to long and its time to grow a set. So the two of us sat down for a "little chat" about his absolute disrepect for me. OH MY WORD people, I have never heard a grown man sound like such a belligerent brat before. "But I didn't like it", "I didn't like the texture" blah blah...so I ran through a couple of experiential exercises with him and I think he finally got the point.But its got me thinking...
I am starting to think that he has a serious problem with empathy. He struggles to relate to other people and how his actions will have impact on people. He is totally absorbed into himself. Is this a consequence of his addiction - his inability to connect and care about other people or perhaps better put, has it resulted in his inability to put others in front of himself?
Its such a foreign concept to me - I have chosen to live a life of being in service to others - how do you get to be the kind of person he is? I blame his dad...but I blame him more. We can choose to be different. We can choose to change.
I am glad his in recovery, but that doesn't mean its enough for me to stay. We all have our bad days - but if his way of being is to be asshole, I choose not to play the bitch or the victim. I would rather be alone and happy than married and miserable.
Tuesday 21 August 2012
112kgs
I wiped the sleep from my eyes, wondered if I should take my pajamas off in case it impacted on the weight...I decided that was stupid, since I was leggings LOL
So, I closed the bathroom door, got onto the scale and watched the numbers climb. 112kgs. Noone, I feel tired and moody all the time. I may as well be pregnant.
Yesterday was tough. I realised that a woman in the office was gossiping about me. Unfortunately, we seem to be on opposites sides of the personality spectrum. My natural inclination is Miss Sunshine. I am the woman, who will bring you a cup of coffee and tell you that your hair looks great! She on the other hand, seems to thrive off complaining about EVERYTHING. I feel my mojo just slipping away whenever she is near, so I have tried to stay away from her - but its almost impossible because I am mid-management. On top of that, I lost it with my husband working late and all I wanted to do was eat. Sooo clearly eating is part of my stress response. But what is stressing me out?
1. I feel lonely. I feel lonely in my marriage, even though its better than it was before. I still have this sense, that I am the one who has to pull everything together. I feel lonely at work, because I don't fit in anywhere. I am not part of senior management and I am not part of the general office pool. I am the only one in a mid level position and I feel like I have noone to talk to.
2. Eating makes me feel better for a little while. Not only does it flood me with feel good feelings, but when I am eating I don't think about how crappy my life has become.
3. I am not disciplined enough. I could be, but I am lazy. The power is mine to choose whether I want to be different. I need to committ long enough for my health to become a habit instead of a project, even though it clearly needs to start out that way. I need to be healthy, it shouldn't be an option.
So ja, this week - I am committing to not eating tons of junk food and chips. I think I will go back to my 5 days great and 2 days reward routine. Often I worked so hard during the week, that I couldn't face being gluttonous over a weekend. Cool...lets see how it goes.
I wonder if this is what our porn addict partners go through?
So, I closed the bathroom door, got onto the scale and watched the numbers climb. 112kgs. Noone, I feel tired and moody all the time. I may as well be pregnant.
Yesterday was tough. I realised that a woman in the office was gossiping about me. Unfortunately, we seem to be on opposites sides of the personality spectrum. My natural inclination is Miss Sunshine. I am the woman, who will bring you a cup of coffee and tell you that your hair looks great! She on the other hand, seems to thrive off complaining about EVERYTHING. I feel my mojo just slipping away whenever she is near, so I have tried to stay away from her - but its almost impossible because I am mid-management. On top of that, I lost it with my husband working late and all I wanted to do was eat. Sooo clearly eating is part of my stress response. But what is stressing me out?
1. I feel lonely. I feel lonely in my marriage, even though its better than it was before. I still have this sense, that I am the one who has to pull everything together. I feel lonely at work, because I don't fit in anywhere. I am not part of senior management and I am not part of the general office pool. I am the only one in a mid level position and I feel like I have noone to talk to.
2. Eating makes me feel better for a little while. Not only does it flood me with feel good feelings, but when I am eating I don't think about how crappy my life has become.
3. I am not disciplined enough. I could be, but I am lazy. The power is mine to choose whether I want to be different. I need to committ long enough for my health to become a habit instead of a project, even though it clearly needs to start out that way. I need to be healthy, it shouldn't be an option.
So ja, this week - I am committing to not eating tons of junk food and chips. I think I will go back to my 5 days great and 2 days reward routine. Often I worked so hard during the week, that I couldn't face being gluttonous over a weekend. Cool...lets see how it goes.
I wonder if this is what our porn addict partners go through?
Monday 20 August 2012
Working late
There is very little these days that will get the same widly pissed off immediate emotional response, then the phrase " I need to work late".
About an hour ago, he tells me that his so upset about it and his sorry but his boss just told him that he needed to finish fixing a laptop before he goes home. Maybe its true...or maybe his fucking some tramp.
I am so tense, my shoulder muscles are hurting. Is he working or isn't he? 2 years ago I would have applauded him for his work ethic, but all I want to do now is to scream at him to leave. To bugger off...all because I can't trust him. Its taken over my being and I can't even focus, so instead of working - I am blogging instead. Maybe it will help to left off more steam...
I will never forget what happened with the latest slut he tried to sleep with. Heavily pregnant, I was at home and tired. I called him to ask him how his day was going. He was non-committal...but made a point of telling me that he would need to stay late for his staff party. That he didn't really want to go, but boss was going to be there and he had to. That night my husband spent the night chatting up some girl who he had just finished high school. He says nothing happened...I don't believe him.
So now here we are...working late again and I just want fucking take a lamp to his head...possibly burn his shit down and tell him to move out.
I know he doesn't have to wait for after hours to cheat and he has proven himself quite adept and targeting the office ho during office hours...but still...I know its the illusion of control, but I cling to his work hours...that he works between 8-4 and thats it.
How do other women do this? How do manage a marriage, when you can't trust your partner?
About an hour ago, he tells me that his so upset about it and his sorry but his boss just told him that he needed to finish fixing a laptop before he goes home. Maybe its true...or maybe his fucking some tramp.
I am so tense, my shoulder muscles are hurting. Is he working or isn't he? 2 years ago I would have applauded him for his work ethic, but all I want to do now is to scream at him to leave. To bugger off...all because I can't trust him. Its taken over my being and I can't even focus, so instead of working - I am blogging instead. Maybe it will help to left off more steam...
I will never forget what happened with the latest slut he tried to sleep with. Heavily pregnant, I was at home and tired. I called him to ask him how his day was going. He was non-committal...but made a point of telling me that he would need to stay late for his staff party. That he didn't really want to go, but boss was going to be there and he had to. That night my husband spent the night chatting up some girl who he had just finished high school. He says nothing happened...I don't believe him.
So now here we are...working late again and I just want fucking take a lamp to his head...possibly burn his shit down and tell him to move out.
I know he doesn't have to wait for after hours to cheat and he has proven himself quite adept and targeting the office ho during office hours...but still...I know its the illusion of control, but I cling to his work hours...that he works between 8-4 and thats it.
How do other women do this? How do manage a marriage, when you can't trust your partner?
Tragically overweight and unfit
My husband met me at my best weight. I was doing serious dancing for about 4 days a week - I was a hip hop dance squad captain. I was looking AWESOME!
But I stopped dancing when I started doing my honours year and was working full time, at the same time. It was just to much for me. And that was the beginning of my yo-yo dieting. He never said anything and for a while there I thought it was okay. That he loved me anyway. About 2 years ago, I read a christian book from a couple and the wife took time out to say it like it is...weight is an issue for men. I started exercising at that point, feeling guilty that I wasn't trying my best to look my best for him. And then of course, I found out his assholeness...which just made me feel worse about myself. For a while I wasn't eating much, determined to starve myself to make a point, which of course didn't last long. Oh I have attemtped to take control of my eating habits along the way, but I was either "sick" or "tired"...excuses...
This weekend, I played with my beautiful son and my knees were weak and my legs struggled with his weight. My breathing, fast and shallow- I could only play for maybe 15 minutes. I am so tragically unfit. I look at my mother and she could easily turn into one of those women that you need to hire a crane to get out of their own homes. I don't want to turn out like that. So Spring is nearly upon us, and its time to try again. Its time to try, so I can play with my son, but also protect him if I had to, I want to try, because I have never felt so beautiful and confident as I did, then when I felt healthy and in control...and although some women would say that it doesn't matter and I would agree it shouldn't, but I need to lose weight for my husband. Its not fair that that I am three times the woman I used to be when he met me. I will never have skinny hip bones again, but right now the massive tummy could do with a change.
I don't know why its so hard for me. I know its wrong, but I continue to stuff myself with food, long after I feel full. Its not okay and I want to feel better about myself.
I have been afraid to weigh myself again. I think I weigh almost as much as I did, when I was full term pregnant. So I will start today. Nothing hectic. Keyword will be sustainable. I will not go out and buys tons of chips, chocolate and the like. I will have my lunch and it will be enough. If it doesn't rain, I will venture outside for a quick walk, just to get some form of exercise going...tomorrow I will face what I have done to myself and weigh myself to assess the damage. Come summer, I will be a better, healthier me!
But I stopped dancing when I started doing my honours year and was working full time, at the same time. It was just to much for me. And that was the beginning of my yo-yo dieting. He never said anything and for a while there I thought it was okay. That he loved me anyway. About 2 years ago, I read a christian book from a couple and the wife took time out to say it like it is...weight is an issue for men. I started exercising at that point, feeling guilty that I wasn't trying my best to look my best for him. And then of course, I found out his assholeness...which just made me feel worse about myself. For a while I wasn't eating much, determined to starve myself to make a point, which of course didn't last long. Oh I have attemtped to take control of my eating habits along the way, but I was either "sick" or "tired"...excuses...
This weekend, I played with my beautiful son and my knees were weak and my legs struggled with his weight. My breathing, fast and shallow- I could only play for maybe 15 minutes. I am so tragically unfit. I look at my mother and she could easily turn into one of those women that you need to hire a crane to get out of their own homes. I don't want to turn out like that. So Spring is nearly upon us, and its time to try again. Its time to try, so I can play with my son, but also protect him if I had to, I want to try, because I have never felt so beautiful and confident as I did, then when I felt healthy and in control...and although some women would say that it doesn't matter and I would agree it shouldn't, but I need to lose weight for my husband. Its not fair that that I am three times the woman I used to be when he met me. I will never have skinny hip bones again, but right now the massive tummy could do with a change.
I don't know why its so hard for me. I know its wrong, but I continue to stuff myself with food, long after I feel full. Its not okay and I want to feel better about myself.
I have been afraid to weigh myself again. I think I weigh almost as much as I did, when I was full term pregnant. So I will start today. Nothing hectic. Keyword will be sustainable. I will not go out and buys tons of chips, chocolate and the like. I will have my lunch and it will be enough. If it doesn't rain, I will venture outside for a quick walk, just to get some form of exercise going...tomorrow I will face what I have done to myself and weigh myself to assess the damage. Come summer, I will be a better, healthier me!
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