Waiting for Love to Die

I told him this weekend that I am really struggling. I told him its like suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I have these episodes of obsessiveness...I search and search for anything that will tell me his cheating again. He has no idea what his done to me and I am tired of feeling crazy and sad. He tells me that internet guy isn't him...well I think it is. I am open to the possibility that its not, but then my feelings are simply just pointing to a bigger problem... that I don't trust him anymore.

Every day is an opportunity for him to be screwing some chick from work or whoring with some prostitute he found on the street..and its killing me literally. My heart is aching and a heart attack seems immenint. While dying of a broken heart sounds woefully romantic, I have realised that I am not going out this way. So what am I waiting for? I look at my son and I think that this wasn't the life I wanted for him.To come from a broken home with a dad he sees every now and then. I feel like I have let him down.I look at my husband and I am filled with love for him...I wasn't the one who strayed - I was steadfast and true, because I loved him...and now it feels like I am waiting for my love to die.

I wish upon a wish, that my heart was stronger than your arrow

I have been thinking of our joint savings and the money we put aside to go on holiday next year. I'm thinking that we can split it 50/50. I will buy some old second hand car, so I can get my son from place to place...I'm thinking that even if I can't afford the bond, we can sell our home and I buy a flat for us. First prize though would be for me to keep the house. I have made a note to make an appointment to get my drivers liscence and to get our house appraised.

4 things happened this weekend, that has made really think about what it is that I want.

1. My uncle died. He was married to a bitch. She would insult him and put him down in front of everyone. Last week he told my sister, that when it comes to marriage you have to take the bitter with the sweet. He died in church yesterday. He was old, so I'm not feeling to cut up about it, but it did get me thinking...whats the point of it all, if the bitter outweighs the sweet? Life is different now, you don't need to spend 60 years with someone who treats you like shit and then comfort yourself with "you must take the bitter with the sweet". I wonder if he would do it all again, if he knew that this was how it was all going to end...

2. There is mould on our bedroom ceiling. In the early days post DDay my husband painted our ceiling because it looked terrible with all the mould. So he painted it white and it looked good. Lately the mould has come through the white and it now it looks yucky again.In many ways its like my marriage...it was ugly and instead of fixing the problem, my husband merely covered the ugliness with behaviour he thought I wanted to see.But nothing underneath had changed and now the ugliness is shining through...

3. He cried this weekend and told me that he loves me and that there is nothing more he can do to prove it. He sounded desperate. He buried his face against my neck and sobbed...and I remembered last year how he would cry as he wove lie upon lie...story upon story...and how I would believe him until something didn't quite make sense and the mess would unravell around me. He lies and lies with his pretty eyes and trembling lips...

4. Funnily enough it was something small. I have become present to that fact that he doesn't visit me at work during the week. He works 5 minutes away and he never comes by for a cup of coffee. We had a massive fight about it about 3 months ago...looking back I feel pathetic. Even though his cheated on me for 4 years, I told him that I would really like it if he came for lunch every now and then. He told me that he couldn't for a number of reasons...all of which didn't hold much water. For my birthday he dropped by for a pity lunch and since then I haven't seen him.  I was training a week agao and he emailed me during my training day and asked if I wanted to go for lunch. He knew I couldn't...but even then giving him the benefit of the doubt, he never tried again. 5 minutes away...and my husband won't even come and see me for a cup of coffee without me begging him to.

I feel like I have given the year I promised to give, to see if I could manage. It turns out I can't. So today I found a counsellor as my last ditch attempt before asking for a divorce. The idea is talk through whats happening with me. To equip me with tools to either improve the disaster that is my marriage or to help me explore divorce.

All I know for sure right now is that I long for happiness. I feel sad in my marriage and my doubt in my husband is driving me crazy. Life as it currently is, is not working for me. I am not looking for a quick solution. I searching for hope and a promise of a better life.

It irks me a little, that if we get divorced he won't have any problems finding a partner and I will probably struggle...but I am finally experiencing the truth that I would rather be happy and alone then be miserable with someone else.