Paranoi my good friend...

Through the years there has been this consistent messaging from various sectors that we shouldn't allow our feelings to rule over our minds, that we need to push past them and not let it control us.

And I get it - sometimes your feelings can lead you astray. They are transient and often are formed by expieriences that have no bearing in the present... for me this applied directly to my own mini porn addiction. I read so many bodice rippers that I believe it numbed my ability to have a normal sexual relationship with my husband because I expected to have the constant intense feelings that litter that kind of literature...and when those feelings aren't there, you think you're not in love. So yeah, feelings sometimes are not your friend - but what about the role of feelings and intuition when it comes to infidelity and more specifically feelings post discovery.

Should our feelings be considered paranoi or intuition? Are our feelings based on our own version of a post traumatic stress disorder and therefore unreliable at worst or red flags at best?

Yesterday I realised that for me it doesn't matter. I know my husband is untrustworthy and I would be foolish to even consider him as a source of real information, so all I have is me...me and my feelings. My feelings helped me to understand that something was wrong that led me to his discovery. My feelings told me that he was a lying peice of a shit, when on the surface he gave a performance of a lifetime. I believed that God used my feelings to save me - its all I had when I had no evidence to go on. However there is a difference now, previously I believe that God directed to me the key questions that eventually led for all his deceit to surface. I never had a sense that I was alone...but now I do. My feelings aren't accompanied by a soothing and calming next step. I feel alone with my feelings and makes me wonder if I am in fact going crazy.  But even then...isn't that enough to leave?

How can I stay, if I can't even trust myself enough to know when his up to no good? I can't bear being tossed around by my feelings. I would leave just for calmness sake...

My husband seems to think that my staying is hanging on his ability to be honest and for a while I thought so to - but I have since discovered that far more critical than this is not whether I can trust my husband again, its whether I can trust myself.