Last week I trained. 5 days a week, all day. I loved it - I love supporting people to stretch into their potential. We are so capable of so much! The last time I trained, I was a wreck. I was pregnant and was training a counselling course...it was weird - standing neck deep in my own crises while training on counselling methodolgy was surreal.
One day last week, I have one of my obessive compulsive moments and scanned the internet for any chatrooms he could be in. I found one I think...there is something off about the pic and the personal information. It doesn't match and yet...something tells me this could be my husband...well him or any of the thousands of married men out there looking for a quicky. It could be my paranoi and that would be awesome - but his to self-centered to realise that now that I know the score, never again will I be so easily blinded to the truth. So I set up a profile, saying all the right things with the right kind of picture. I messaged him and he messaged back, with a very casual hello. Last night we were supposed to "meet" to chat, but he didn't come. Does he know its me? Am I perhaps to perfect? Last night for the first time in months, he spoke about his wedding band. During "Fuckyou" gate of 2011, I told him I don't want him wearing it anymore, because it doesn't mean anything and then when I chucked him out, I gave it to him saying that I don't want it and he should take it with him. So last night out of nowhere, he tells me this story about someone at his work questioning whether his really married because he doesn't wear a ring and then he asked my permission to wear it again...it all seems really suspicious. After chatting to my fake persona, he now wants to show the world how committed he is... thats exactlyhow he used to be.
My husband loved having people admire him and think his the best husband/son in law/son in the world, while he carried on his shady dealings on the side. Am I seeing a re-establishment of a pattern?
There is no way I am getting hot and heavy over the net. Its a line I won't cross, so I need him to reveal his hand before then. But how? Last night I kept checking my phone, hoping that internet guy would message me, while my husband sat beside me, but nothing. Today I will try again and wait for him online...I will be young, stupid and needing someone to make a woman out of me GAG.
I feel a little sorry for my husband. If internet guy doesn't respond, then I will think its my husband and he has somehow caught onto me- the only way out is for internet guy to send me his real pic or agree to meet me somewhere, so I can see for myself that its not my husband.
I am constantly searching for evidence that his cheating. Will I ever be satisfied?
I think that if we stay after the betrayal we do need a foundation of honesty and a sense of satisfaction knowing he isn't lying or using us again. That's why I track his online presence. it works real well for me, but i know i didn't work so well for you. that's ok. But i think what you are doing is searching for the assurance that you aren't being lied to.
ReplyDeleteI understand that.
I so desperately want to though. But I think I am finally realsing the futility of it when it comes to him. The problem is that my husband is an IT specialist. Even if I put all sorts of cool gadgets on his laptop or cell phone, when he gets to work - he has a whole plethora of devices to choose from ;-( Devices that I will never be able to even get close to.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I learnt that his company is outsourcing him to this massive marketing company - where he will have full access to their internet and other assorted doodaas. I felt my chest tighten as I just knew that any control I would ever hope to assert this way, will never be possible.
I don't think I ever hated technology so much in my entire life.