Attention all amazing people - the Fatty Boom Boom page has now got its own web page. I will posting all my posts related to my struggles and thoughts to this page:fattyboomboomdiaries.blogspot.com
Its awesome.
MWAH :-)
Friday 26 April 2013
Thursday 25 April 2013
Miss Abby Jacobs - some things you should believe
I should leave it alone...shake it off. I have been doing pretty well, but yesterday I went looking for her latest tweet. Something about don't always believe what you read...made me wonder if she read my post on her slutty behavior. So just for me, no frills attached- you can believe this:
In 2008, Abigail Jacobs while being married or engaged to another man had an intensely sexual relationship with my husband. I suspect it carried on into 2009, as they kept in touch using one of those adult friend finder websites.
Last year, when my husband sought her out on my instruction she was happy to get into contact with him. I had hoped that she would shun him so that whatever lingering romantic/sexual desire that still lingered would be broken. But she let me down - her voice was breathy with excitement as my husband put her on speaker phone. There was no shame there.
And maybe its for that reason, that I am struggling to let it go. Isn't she sorry about what she not only did me, but to her own husband? I want to bring about the some about humiliation and pain she has brought me, but I need to come to terms that would never happen. She will never know what it feels like to have a husband who slept with a work colleague for shits and giggles
She broke my heart and she doesn't even care...
In 2008, Abigail Jacobs while being married or engaged to another man had an intensely sexual relationship with my husband. I suspect it carried on into 2009, as they kept in touch using one of those adult friend finder websites.
Last year, when my husband sought her out on my instruction she was happy to get into contact with him. I had hoped that she would shun him so that whatever lingering romantic/sexual desire that still lingered would be broken. But she let me down - her voice was breathy with excitement as my husband put her on speaker phone. There was no shame there.
And maybe its for that reason, that I am struggling to let it go. Isn't she sorry about what she not only did me, but to her own husband? I want to bring about the some about humiliation and pain she has brought me, but I need to come to terms that would never happen. She will never know what it feels like to have a husband who slept with a work colleague for shits and giggles
She broke my heart and she doesn't even care...
Wednesday 24 April 2013
How to rebuild the romance after his cheated
Its something we all need to face if we decide to stay. How do you not only accept romance, but inject healthy romance into your relationship? Its looks like dating and sounds like dating, but its not the same. In the first flush of love you gaze at your partner, thinking that of course he will let you down - and inside you resolve to forgive the moments when he will forget to shower you with flowers or when he balks at buying you pads when you run out. Feeling magnanimous and ready, you commit to a marriage, but never in your dreams do you think that he will have let you down the way he has.
Its changed you. You are not the woman he dated and his not your knight in shining amour anymore. You have resolved to be your own hero and for some of us, that has meant trying again.For a while you let him do him do the work - its satisfying watching him jump through hoops and leaping to any demands you might have....but there comes a time, when you will need to stop being a observer and start being a participant in your marriage again. I know he was the one who "left" first, but you need to let that go so that you and your family become the reason he wants stay.
Bitter is, as bitter does:
At first it feels awkward to offer any sort of gratitude for anything - in the beginning my thanks were clipped and almost rude. And thats when I was willing to allow him to do things for me again. I was becoming more and more miserable each day because I insisted on proving my hurt at every opportunity-I didn't allow myself the chance of just forgetting for a moment what had happened. I couldn't stand who I was becoming so I decided that its time to let get of the deliberate bitterness - and it allowed a small beginning to just being civil.
As my mother told me....if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all:
We tend to get ourselves into a bit of cycle of mean spiritedness and I aint gonna lie - making them hurt feels good. But neither of you needs a constant reminder of what an asshole he is- you both know.
Um, that coffee was nice...:
So now we're not being mean and we're watching our words. Next step - find something to compliment them on. Now it might stick in your craw a little bit - but you have got to start. What won me over to this idea - is that if you can compliment him, when you need to have a heavy word with him, he will take it seriously. If you are constantly telling him what a rubbish he is, all he will hear after a while is - "You're a jerk, you will always be a jerk and I plan on making you pay for this every damn day". So you need to find balance. It will make him more receptive to your concerns and it will allow you to be more yourself again and before you know it you are feeling slightly happier and he is feeling grateful that just maybe your marriage will revive itself.
I may not have been the first, but I am the last:
Now that you can look at him without showing him the finger, protect yourself from you. If you haven't told him that you would like to try again - let him know and then talk about what you both need from the relationship. For me, I needed to feel desired and loved again. To be paid attention to- spoil me and show me that I am on your mind. What happened though is that he started surprising me - but then I would get mad because I would wonder if he did the same things with his many, many women. Soon I started getting tense, whenever I received what I had asked for and instead of rewarding him, it become another difficult emotional conversation.So I decided to embrace this mantra - "maybe I am not the first, but I am the last". I deserve being spoiled and loved and I am not going to let our history take that from me...
Throw the ball back
So by now his doing cartwheels to show that he loves you and that he has recommitted himself to a life of love and monogamy. Its time to show him that you still care for him and you love him even though a part of you will always be ready to deliver that swift kick to the balls if he has ever returns back to his errant ways. And this is where the rubber hits the road. A relationship won't work unless both of your are participating - you expect him to romance you, well he needs the same. Admittedly his ideas and desires might look different to yours, but remember when you were willing to do anything to please him. Try and get back to that place. Surprise him with stuff he wants - whether its that yummy meal you make or you in red heels and nothing else. I know that there will be somethings we will struggle to do again. For the life of me, I can't see myself giving my husband a b-job in the foreseeable future. Just the thought of where his bits have been, makes my lips seal shut. But its time ladies to throw the ball back - his been lobbing that damn thing over the net for months now while you stood and smirked at him and for some us it included gestures that should not be shown in front of children. Its time to play ball and thats where I am at.
Hubby and I have date nights now - Friday nights. My mom was kind enough to take our son for the night, so we could have time to ourselves. So I have been looking for things that I could do for him, that he would enjoy and that wouldn't hurt the non-existent bank balance. Its a surprise but on Friday night I am taking him on this:
Its the hugest ferris wheel I have ever seen - its manly right? they say nothing like fear inspires passionate sex, so lets hope it works!
Sometimes its hard to know how to show that cheating bastard that you still love him, so its good to have a couple of ideas on hand:-)
I found this AMAZING website called "Dating Divas - strengthening marriages, one date at a time" (www.datingdivas.com), which has awesome ideas. Check it out :-)
Its changed you. You are not the woman he dated and his not your knight in shining amour anymore. You have resolved to be your own hero and for some of us, that has meant trying again.For a while you let him do him do the work - its satisfying watching him jump through hoops and leaping to any demands you might have....but there comes a time, when you will need to stop being a observer and start being a participant in your marriage again. I know he was the one who "left" first, but you need to let that go so that you and your family become the reason he wants stay.
Bitter is, as bitter does:
At first it feels awkward to offer any sort of gratitude for anything - in the beginning my thanks were clipped and almost rude. And thats when I was willing to allow him to do things for me again. I was becoming more and more miserable each day because I insisted on proving my hurt at every opportunity-I didn't allow myself the chance of just forgetting for a moment what had happened. I couldn't stand who I was becoming so I decided that its time to let get of the deliberate bitterness - and it allowed a small beginning to just being civil.
As my mother told me....if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all:
We tend to get ourselves into a bit of cycle of mean spiritedness and I aint gonna lie - making them hurt feels good. But neither of you needs a constant reminder of what an asshole he is- you both know.
Um, that coffee was nice...:
So now we're not being mean and we're watching our words. Next step - find something to compliment them on. Now it might stick in your craw a little bit - but you have got to start. What won me over to this idea - is that if you can compliment him, when you need to have a heavy word with him, he will take it seriously. If you are constantly telling him what a rubbish he is, all he will hear after a while is - "You're a jerk, you will always be a jerk and I plan on making you pay for this every damn day". So you need to find balance. It will make him more receptive to your concerns and it will allow you to be more yourself again and before you know it you are feeling slightly happier and he is feeling grateful that just maybe your marriage will revive itself.
I may not have been the first, but I am the last:
Now that you can look at him without showing him the finger, protect yourself from you. If you haven't told him that you would like to try again - let him know and then talk about what you both need from the relationship. For me, I needed to feel desired and loved again. To be paid attention to- spoil me and show me that I am on your mind. What happened though is that he started surprising me - but then I would get mad because I would wonder if he did the same things with his many, many women. Soon I started getting tense, whenever I received what I had asked for and instead of rewarding him, it become another difficult emotional conversation.So I decided to embrace this mantra - "maybe I am not the first, but I am the last". I deserve being spoiled and loved and I am not going to let our history take that from me...
Throw the ball back
So by now his doing cartwheels to show that he loves you and that he has recommitted himself to a life of love and monogamy. Its time to show him that you still care for him and you love him even though a part of you will always be ready to deliver that swift kick to the balls if he has ever returns back to his errant ways. And this is where the rubber hits the road. A relationship won't work unless both of your are participating - you expect him to romance you, well he needs the same. Admittedly his ideas and desires might look different to yours, but remember when you were willing to do anything to please him. Try and get back to that place. Surprise him with stuff he wants - whether its that yummy meal you make or you in red heels and nothing else. I know that there will be somethings we will struggle to do again. For the life of me, I can't see myself giving my husband a b-job in the foreseeable future. Just the thought of where his bits have been, makes my lips seal shut. But its time ladies to throw the ball back - his been lobbing that damn thing over the net for months now while you stood and smirked at him and for some us it included gestures that should not be shown in front of children. Its time to play ball and thats where I am at.
Hubby and I have date nights now - Friday nights. My mom was kind enough to take our son for the night, so we could have time to ourselves. So I have been looking for things that I could do for him, that he would enjoy and that wouldn't hurt the non-existent bank balance. Its a surprise but on Friday night I am taking him on this:
Its the hugest ferris wheel I have ever seen - its manly right? they say nothing like fear inspires passionate sex, so lets hope it works!
Sometimes its hard to know how to show that cheating bastard that you still love him, so its good to have a couple of ideas on hand:-)
I found this AMAZING website called "Dating Divas - strengthening marriages, one date at a time" (www.datingdivas.com), which has awesome ideas. Check it out :-)
Thursday 11 April 2013
unfamiliar thighs and sighs
What kind of husband should you want? One with lots of experience or the innocent...
Today my friend found evidence of an inappropriate work relationship between her husband and a his colleague- she isn't clear whether its physically sexual, but apparently the intimate instant messages between them was enough for her to chuck him out of the home. I listened as her heart broke and she wailed - "why me? I could never believe he could do such a thing to me". And I remembered the moment of stillness when I realised what my husband had done and how from the depths of my soul I cried out to God- why me? Shell shocked that my seemingly innocent husband could have done the things he had.
I loved my husband for his innocence. I was his first lover. I was ashamed that I had not waited for him, but I really felt like with him everything was new. When things started to wane years down the line, I thought he just wasn't interested in sex but the truth was he wasn't interested in having sex with me. There were odd moments when I checked his phone, but upon finding nothing I thought silly me. He would never do that to me. If anyone was going to cheat in this relationship, it was going to be me. Of course the sorry tale unfolded to reveal a different ending.
What I will never forget though is trying to reconcile who I thought he was, to things he had done. I thought he was a safe bet. He saw how his father cheated on his mother multiple times, he was dragged through a divorce twice and witnessed how his mothers heart broke. I thought the trauma of that would ensure that he would be the best, most faithful husband ever. This was further reinforced, when he refused to get to kinky with me. Feigning embarrassment with dirty talk and games in the bedroom, I thought that my libido simply outstripped his and I didn't mind. He loved me and that was enough for me.
The shock of finding out that my blushing husband was an aggressive sexual thrill seeker, gob smacked me.My whole life I have been avoiding the player type, only to find I married a master. Even today, sometimes I look at him and I have to remind myself that he is not the man I thought I married. He is everything I hate in a guy - the charmer and flirt. The promiscuous and shallow...
If we could go back in time, I wouldn't have married him right there and then. Not because I didn't love him, its because he wasn't ready. He thought he was, but he didn't know any better. His lack of experience in the end contributed to his down fall. That's how it is with innocence - they believe with all their heart that they are pure, but its the experienced amongst that through trial and error have come to know the monsters within. We know what we are capable of and therefore guard against. He got curious..and then hooked and then...then my heart slid off its axis and broke into a million pieces. Maybe if he had dated a little bit more, I would have been married to a different kind of man.
Innocence has a lot to be blamed for.
Next time, I will look for a man who has been around the block. Who loves me enough to commit and not be swayed by unfamiliar thighs and sighs. Next time, innocence be damned...
Today my friend found evidence of an inappropriate work relationship between her husband and a his colleague- she isn't clear whether its physically sexual, but apparently the intimate instant messages between them was enough for her to chuck him out of the home. I listened as her heart broke and she wailed - "why me? I could never believe he could do such a thing to me". And I remembered the moment of stillness when I realised what my husband had done and how from the depths of my soul I cried out to God- why me? Shell shocked that my seemingly innocent husband could have done the things he had.
I loved my husband for his innocence. I was his first lover. I was ashamed that I had not waited for him, but I really felt like with him everything was new. When things started to wane years down the line, I thought he just wasn't interested in sex but the truth was he wasn't interested in having sex with me. There were odd moments when I checked his phone, but upon finding nothing I thought silly me. He would never do that to me. If anyone was going to cheat in this relationship, it was going to be me. Of course the sorry tale unfolded to reveal a different ending.
What I will never forget though is trying to reconcile who I thought he was, to things he had done. I thought he was a safe bet. He saw how his father cheated on his mother multiple times, he was dragged through a divorce twice and witnessed how his mothers heart broke. I thought the trauma of that would ensure that he would be the best, most faithful husband ever. This was further reinforced, when he refused to get to kinky with me. Feigning embarrassment with dirty talk and games in the bedroom, I thought that my libido simply outstripped his and I didn't mind. He loved me and that was enough for me.
The shock of finding out that my blushing husband was an aggressive sexual thrill seeker, gob smacked me.My whole life I have been avoiding the player type, only to find I married a master. Even today, sometimes I look at him and I have to remind myself that he is not the man I thought I married. He is everything I hate in a guy - the charmer and flirt. The promiscuous and shallow...
If we could go back in time, I wouldn't have married him right there and then. Not because I didn't love him, its because he wasn't ready. He thought he was, but he didn't know any better. His lack of experience in the end contributed to his down fall. That's how it is with innocence - they believe with all their heart that they are pure, but its the experienced amongst that through trial and error have come to know the monsters within. We know what we are capable of and therefore guard against. He got curious..and then hooked and then...then my heart slid off its axis and broke into a million pieces. Maybe if he had dated a little bit more, I would have been married to a different kind of man.
Innocence has a lot to be blamed for.
Next time, I will look for a man who has been around the block. Who loves me enough to commit and not be swayed by unfamiliar thighs and sighs. Next time, innocence be damned...
Wednesday 10 April 2013
Is it ever okay to be contact with your ex?
My friends 8 month old marriage is falling apart. They had dated for a year and felt that they were so in love that marriage was the logical next step - him being 21 and she being 28 at the time apparently a non issue. We tried to tell them to wait, but they felt that they could handle anything and that whatever changes happens they would be able to face together...
For months now they have been fighting - apparently he can't handle the fact that she had a child by a recovering drug addict before they met. He now wants a divorce. What I don't understand is that pre-marriage this wasn't a problem, as a matter of fact he loved my friends little girl as if she was his own - but now apparently all it does is remind that she had this sexual relationship with someone he deems as unworthy and it grosses him out.Things have slid to the extent that they no longer talk to each other about where they are going...last week he came home reeking of wine...she has gone to out without letting him the know the usual where, who and what...
Still, I believed that things can be saved - for us the betrayed - we know about resurrecting things from the dead - but for the first time yesterday I heard the faint sound of a death knell. She got in contact with he ex boyfriend, who she has always loved. He cheated on her with a close friend as well as co-worker. She had a breakdown and left him - but she has never been quite able to move on. And now they are back in contact. Over the years she has forgotten the pain and misery and instead remembers all the good things he did and I know she has wondered what would have happened if she stayed...
She insists that its just for closure...but its a slippery slope. I would contend that closure can be found in oneself- you don't need the perpetrator...not really. So she is at a cross roads - she is no longer the innocent - both of them unwilling to actually find a counsellor and be the better person. Maybe they should get divorced - they are hurting no one but themselves...
For months now they have been fighting - apparently he can't handle the fact that she had a child by a recovering drug addict before they met. He now wants a divorce. What I don't understand is that pre-marriage this wasn't a problem, as a matter of fact he loved my friends little girl as if she was his own - but now apparently all it does is remind that she had this sexual relationship with someone he deems as unworthy and it grosses him out.Things have slid to the extent that they no longer talk to each other about where they are going...last week he came home reeking of wine...she has gone to out without letting him the know the usual where, who and what...
Still, I believed that things can be saved - for us the betrayed - we know about resurrecting things from the dead - but for the first time yesterday I heard the faint sound of a death knell. She got in contact with he ex boyfriend, who she has always loved. He cheated on her with a close friend as well as co-worker. She had a breakdown and left him - but she has never been quite able to move on. And now they are back in contact. Over the years she has forgotten the pain and misery and instead remembers all the good things he did and I know she has wondered what would have happened if she stayed...
She insists that its just for closure...but its a slippery slope. I would contend that closure can be found in oneself- you don't need the perpetrator...not really. So she is at a cross roads - she is no longer the innocent - both of them unwilling to actually find a counsellor and be the better person. Maybe they should get divorced - they are hurting no one but themselves...
Monday 8 April 2013
How to dress for Thailand - for big girls
My sisters!! This is my brutally honest guide about how to dress for Thailand for big girls...
Toothpicks, toothpicks everywhere - Thai women are shorter and more slender that most in the western world. You are going to feel even bigger over there - but don't despair, just be prepared :-)
1. Wear extremely light clothing - you are going to sweat like crazy. The kind of sweat that pours down in riverlets - no kidding. So I would suggest extremely light weight materials and wear good underarm. Don't feel the need to compete with the spaghetti straps. I noticed right away, that the local women wear 3/4 sleeves to protect from the sun and only tourists wear no sleeves and in the process get severely burned. So you can still cover up and feel like you're on holiday. Pretty fabrics that don't cling, will help you feel comfortable in the heat.
2. You have got to get the right shoes- No high heels! Pack in lovely durable walking friendly sandals. I wore Tongas - absolutely worth its weight in gold.Somehow the heat makes walking that much more difficult and the distances in Thailand are far. A bangkok block is something to be in awe of - be prepared. I took a pair of takkies and sandals and spend most of my time in sandals. It allows you to cool down, while still looking stylish. Its worth investing in a good pair of walking sandals as it needs to carry your weight in extreme temperatures for long distances, without giving you bunions or making your feet hurt.
3. You have got to get something between those thighs - I took a skirt with me and within 15 minutes of walking, the rubbing of my thighs made my skin feel raw. There I was trying to look all feminine for my husband, while my thighs felt like I had rubbed salt in an open wound. Its enough to ruin a holiday. If you want to wear a skirt, then pack in a cycling/cotton shorts that you can sneak in under and no-one will be none the wiser. You thighs won't be in direct contact with each other and you can benefit from having a breeze bless your legs every now and then. I pretty much lived in my 3/4s and it worked out well.
4. The hair must go up - You are going to sweat and your fabulous hair will make it worse. Hats are a good idea - buy one of two when you get there. Take some beautiful clips to tie up your pretty tresses.
5. Pantyliners! If you are a mom or a big girl- the pelvic floor aint what it used to be. Because its so hot there, you will (and should be )drinking more water than you do at home. This means that, unfortunate leakage is bound happen with all the fun sightseeing and walk abouts that you will be doing. Be prepared! Pantyliners over there are extremely thin - so if you can buy them over there, but I was grateful to take my slightly thicker ones from home.
6. Make up is a no-no - It all slides off. I don't know how the asian women do it, but I was sweating enough for everything to slide right off and the products I had was some hardcore stuff. Instead, get a good sunscreen, drink lots of water before to clear your skin and let the Thailand sun kiss you for that fabulous look.
7. You can buy clothes in Thailand if you are a big girl - your options are very limited though, but you can. Undoubtedly, they cater for size 14 and down. I am a size 22/42. There are a million flea market styled stalls (no exaggeration) and every now and then I saw one size fits all girly tops with a drawstring under the boobs, so you can fit it as you like. I bought one and I wore it for 50% of my time there. But be warned, I was just about fitting into it, at my size. If you are bigger, bring your own tops as you can't be sure of finding you feel comfortable in. So yes -You can buy tops there! I don't know about jeans or skirts though. I think that might be harder to come by...
8. Bathers - Its unfortunate that we don't exactly look our best in bathers given our weight, but you can still look fabulous for those island days. I bought one of the dress bathers - pretty floral with a mini skirt that covered where my thighs met. My mom made me this floaty cover up - a cross between a sun dress and a sarong. It was made of beautiful silky gauazy delicate material that demanded a bather must be worn underneath, lest your dignity was exposed to the world. I felt amazing, next to to the bikinis and miniskirts. We can't do skimpy and short- but we can rock sexy elegance!
9. Do your best to lose some weight before you go- the less you weigh the more comfortable you will be in a land where everything is built for a smaller people, but that being said. About two weeks before you go - let go. Embrace the weight! Walk tall, shoulders back and enjoy being a foreigner in an exotic land. Nothing looks more beautiful than being comfortable and happy :-)
Toothpicks, toothpicks everywhere - Thai women are shorter and more slender that most in the western world. You are going to feel even bigger over there - but don't despair, just be prepared :-)
1. Wear extremely light clothing - you are going to sweat like crazy. The kind of sweat that pours down in riverlets - no kidding. So I would suggest extremely light weight materials and wear good underarm. Don't feel the need to compete with the spaghetti straps. I noticed right away, that the local women wear 3/4 sleeves to protect from the sun and only tourists wear no sleeves and in the process get severely burned. So you can still cover up and feel like you're on holiday. Pretty fabrics that don't cling, will help you feel comfortable in the heat.
2. You have got to get the right shoes- No high heels! Pack in lovely durable walking friendly sandals. I wore Tongas - absolutely worth its weight in gold.Somehow the heat makes walking that much more difficult and the distances in Thailand are far. A bangkok block is something to be in awe of - be prepared. I took a pair of takkies and sandals and spend most of my time in sandals. It allows you to cool down, while still looking stylish. Its worth investing in a good pair of walking sandals as it needs to carry your weight in extreme temperatures for long distances, without giving you bunions or making your feet hurt.
3. You have got to get something between those thighs - I took a skirt with me and within 15 minutes of walking, the rubbing of my thighs made my skin feel raw. There I was trying to look all feminine for my husband, while my thighs felt like I had rubbed salt in an open wound. Its enough to ruin a holiday. If you want to wear a skirt, then pack in a cycling/cotton shorts that you can sneak in under and no-one will be none the wiser. You thighs won't be in direct contact with each other and you can benefit from having a breeze bless your legs every now and then. I pretty much lived in my 3/4s and it worked out well.
4. The hair must go up - You are going to sweat and your fabulous hair will make it worse. Hats are a good idea - buy one of two when you get there. Take some beautiful clips to tie up your pretty tresses.
5. Pantyliners! If you are a mom or a big girl- the pelvic floor aint what it used to be. Because its so hot there, you will (and should be )drinking more water than you do at home. This means that, unfortunate leakage is bound happen with all the fun sightseeing and walk abouts that you will be doing. Be prepared! Pantyliners over there are extremely thin - so if you can buy them over there, but I was grateful to take my slightly thicker ones from home.
6. Make up is a no-no - It all slides off. I don't know how the asian women do it, but I was sweating enough for everything to slide right off and the products I had was some hardcore stuff. Instead, get a good sunscreen, drink lots of water before to clear your skin and let the Thailand sun kiss you for that fabulous look.
7. You can buy clothes in Thailand if you are a big girl - your options are very limited though, but you can. Undoubtedly, they cater for size 14 and down. I am a size 22/42. There are a million flea market styled stalls (no exaggeration) and every now and then I saw one size fits all girly tops with a drawstring under the boobs, so you can fit it as you like. I bought one and I wore it for 50% of my time there. But be warned, I was just about fitting into it, at my size. If you are bigger, bring your own tops as you can't be sure of finding you feel comfortable in. So yes -You can buy tops there! I don't know about jeans or skirts though. I think that might be harder to come by...
8. Bathers - Its unfortunate that we don't exactly look our best in bathers given our weight, but you can still look fabulous for those island days. I bought one of the dress bathers - pretty floral with a mini skirt that covered where my thighs met. My mom made me this floaty cover up - a cross between a sun dress and a sarong. It was made of beautiful silky gauazy delicate material that demanded a bather must be worn underneath, lest your dignity was exposed to the world. I felt amazing, next to to the bikinis and miniskirts. We can't do skimpy and short- but we can rock sexy elegance!
9. Do your best to lose some weight before you go- the less you weigh the more comfortable you will be in a land where everything is built for a smaller people, but that being said. About two weeks before you go - let go. Embrace the weight! Walk tall, shoulders back and enjoy being a foreigner in an exotic land. Nothing looks more beautiful than being comfortable and happy :-)
Is Thailand okay for recovering sex/porn addicts?
So the hubby and I are back from Thailand - were we spent two amazing weeks there, holding hands and finding out who we are as a couple again. The awesome thing about Thailand is that it really does cater for whatever kind of holiday you want. You can 5 star it or budget backpack it and the whole asian experience will be yours for the taking...
We were brave and left our 18 month old son behind - it was bittersweet. We needed us time, without running after a toddler insistent on exploring every nook and cranny - it was great to fall asleep next to my husband without a wriggling son in between us and yet- I missed all of it as much as I was relieved by its absence. Its crazy being a mom hey...But I would say, that if you are going to backpack it or have a budget holiday, I would encourage to only take only age 12+ children with you. Its insanely hot over there and coming from a South African, thats saying something. The parents courageous enough to try, looked harassed and worried, trying to ensure that their little ones were surviving what felt like desert heat - it did not look like fun. If you take kids - you need to have the money to make it very comfortable. Note to self- definitely take my son, but only when his a teenager.
But would I take my husband again...well, its a bit dicey. You see I researched and planned our trip around the hotspot areas. So phuket was out and so was Pataya...and I would say that it went pretty well, but you can't escape the fact that if your husband wanted to step out for 30 minutes- there is a lot he could do. The most off putting thing that happened was in Chinatown. Beautiful place, but to my surprise I spotted two prostitutes straight away. In broad daylight mind you...a tuk tuk driver ignoring my presence, told my husband that he would be able to take him to a red light district close by- it was if I didn't exist. It made me wonder, how many husbands waited for their wives to fall asleep and crept out for a little bit of Thai. On my last day in Thailand, I unexpectedly started my monthly and was forced to send my husband out to buy some pads and to be honest for a while I was tense...there is a lot a man can do with a couple of minutes.
But is that any different from where I live...not really. We have our local spots only 5 minutes away. It would be foolish to think that somehow sex was easier to obtain in Thailand than it is here...but I do wonder if it would be cheaper.
It saddened me, to think that I can't even trust my husband to go buy me sanitary towels without worrying whether he would sneak off into an alley somewhere - but it is what it is.
I decided to go to Thailand, with the thinking to heck with my husbands issues. I wanted and needed a break and I didn't want to be let his problems influence my life and future anymore than what it has already. But it become patently clear, that its not just about the recovering addict- the truth is you are a recovering couple - there will definitely be triggers for him, but perhaps more importantly and unexpectedly is that you will be triggered as well - which comes as a surprise when you are looking out diligently for your partner.
What was my trigger as the partner? Its was the different-ness of the women. One of the primary hurts I had, was the fact that women my husband sought out, was very different to me. The weight, the hair...the colour their skin. He wanted something else and being surrounded by pretty Thai girls just brought it all back home to me. I can't change me to be a different woman every other week to sate his need for different experiences... Thailand could be just as bad for you, as it could be for your partner.
But all in all - Thailand is great and I would recommend it to the couple trying to build happier memories, but you must know where you are going to and you must have some degree of honesty in your relationship to know whether being within a block of a prostitute is going to be an issue.
We went to the Islands - but decided to go to Koh Lanta Yai - a mainly muslim island known for its beauty, but it also for being family friendly. We stayed in Chinatown and downtown Bangkok, where everyone wants to give you a massage, but we chose to be in non seedy areas so generally it was on the up and up.
Thailand isn't the problem - what it does is bring out the best and worst in you, because everything is so freely available. The problem is us and who we decide to be, when we touch down in Bangkok.
The are 4 things thought I would check first before deciding to go to Thailand with your partner, just based on what we experienced what made it okay for us.
1.Can he look away? I don't mind if my husband notices a beautiful woman, as a matter of fact I get worried when he pretends not to. The issue is, can your partner notice someone beautiful and not let his gaze linger while he mentally undresses her?
2.Can he manage his triggers? I am sure that as time has gone on, he has not told me every trigger he has and I see this as a good thing, because I need him to be able to manage himself. But I do expect him to tell me if we need to steer clear of some stuff. He has done this in the past and I believe he will let me know the big things. So that was good.
3.Are you ready to manage your own anxiety about being attractive enough for your partner? This is hard, but there was a couple of times, when I needed to just let go.Beautiful young girls are dime a dozen there - So pack in only one or two summer friendly outfits, that bring out your best features - no heels!! steer clear of showing to much cleavage. I found it disconcerting the way the local men stared at my bosoms :-(
4.Can you give yourselves a break and stop talking about whats happened? When you go to a beautiful place, you have the right to stop talking about it and give yourself a mental holiday. If you don't, you will spend a lot of money doing something you could have done at home. When you go - go to rest your heart and mind. Give yourselves a break. It will be worth it.
We were brave and left our 18 month old son behind - it was bittersweet. We needed us time, without running after a toddler insistent on exploring every nook and cranny - it was great to fall asleep next to my husband without a wriggling son in between us and yet- I missed all of it as much as I was relieved by its absence. Its crazy being a mom hey...But I would say, that if you are going to backpack it or have a budget holiday, I would encourage to only take only age 12+ children with you. Its insanely hot over there and coming from a South African, thats saying something. The parents courageous enough to try, looked harassed and worried, trying to ensure that their little ones were surviving what felt like desert heat - it did not look like fun. If you take kids - you need to have the money to make it very comfortable. Note to self- definitely take my son, but only when his a teenager.
But would I take my husband again...well, its a bit dicey. You see I researched and planned our trip around the hotspot areas. So phuket was out and so was Pataya...and I would say that it went pretty well, but you can't escape the fact that if your husband wanted to step out for 30 minutes- there is a lot he could do. The most off putting thing that happened was in Chinatown. Beautiful place, but to my surprise I spotted two prostitutes straight away. In broad daylight mind you...a tuk tuk driver ignoring my presence, told my husband that he would be able to take him to a red light district close by- it was if I didn't exist. It made me wonder, how many husbands waited for their wives to fall asleep and crept out for a little bit of Thai. On my last day in Thailand, I unexpectedly started my monthly and was forced to send my husband out to buy some pads and to be honest for a while I was tense...there is a lot a man can do with a couple of minutes.
But is that any different from where I live...not really. We have our local spots only 5 minutes away. It would be foolish to think that somehow sex was easier to obtain in Thailand than it is here...but I do wonder if it would be cheaper.
It saddened me, to think that I can't even trust my husband to go buy me sanitary towels without worrying whether he would sneak off into an alley somewhere - but it is what it is.
I decided to go to Thailand, with the thinking to heck with my husbands issues. I wanted and needed a break and I didn't want to be let his problems influence my life and future anymore than what it has already. But it become patently clear, that its not just about the recovering addict- the truth is you are a recovering couple - there will definitely be triggers for him, but perhaps more importantly and unexpectedly is that you will be triggered as well - which comes as a surprise when you are looking out diligently for your partner.
What was my trigger as the partner? Its was the different-ness of the women. One of the primary hurts I had, was the fact that women my husband sought out, was very different to me. The weight, the hair...the colour their skin. He wanted something else and being surrounded by pretty Thai girls just brought it all back home to me. I can't change me to be a different woman every other week to sate his need for different experiences... Thailand could be just as bad for you, as it could be for your partner.
But all in all - Thailand is great and I would recommend it to the couple trying to build happier memories, but you must know where you are going to and you must have some degree of honesty in your relationship to know whether being within a block of a prostitute is going to be an issue.
We went to the Islands - but decided to go to Koh Lanta Yai - a mainly muslim island known for its beauty, but it also for being family friendly. We stayed in Chinatown and downtown Bangkok, where everyone wants to give you a massage, but we chose to be in non seedy areas so generally it was on the up and up.
Thailand isn't the problem - what it does is bring out the best and worst in you, because everything is so freely available. The problem is us and who we decide to be, when we touch down in Bangkok.
The are 4 things thought I would check first before deciding to go to Thailand with your partner, just based on what we experienced what made it okay for us.
1.Can he look away? I don't mind if my husband notices a beautiful woman, as a matter of fact I get worried when he pretends not to. The issue is, can your partner notice someone beautiful and not let his gaze linger while he mentally undresses her?
2.Can he manage his triggers? I am sure that as time has gone on, he has not told me every trigger he has and I see this as a good thing, because I need him to be able to manage himself. But I do expect him to tell me if we need to steer clear of some stuff. He has done this in the past and I believe he will let me know the big things. So that was good.
3.Are you ready to manage your own anxiety about being attractive enough for your partner? This is hard, but there was a couple of times, when I needed to just let go.Beautiful young girls are dime a dozen there - So pack in only one or two summer friendly outfits, that bring out your best features - no heels!! steer clear of showing to much cleavage. I found it disconcerting the way the local men stared at my bosoms :-(
4.Can you give yourselves a break and stop talking about whats happened? When you go to a beautiful place, you have the right to stop talking about it and give yourself a mental holiday. If you don't, you will spend a lot of money doing something you could have done at home. When you go - go to rest your heart and mind. Give yourselves a break. It will be worth it.
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