unfamiliar thighs and sighs

What kind of husband should you want? One with lots of experience or the innocent...

Today my friend found evidence of an inappropriate work relationship between her husband and a his colleague- she isn't clear whether its physically sexual, but apparently the intimate instant messages between them was enough for her to chuck him out of the home. I listened as her heart broke and she wailed - "why me? I could never believe he could do such a thing to me". And I remembered the moment of stillness when I realised what my husband had done and how from the depths of my soul I cried out to God- why me? Shell shocked that my seemingly innocent husband could have done the things he had.

I loved my husband for his innocence. I was his first lover. I was ashamed that I had not waited for him, but I really felt like with him everything was new. When things started to wane years down the line, I thought he just wasn't interested in sex but the truth was he wasn't interested in having sex with me. There were odd moments when I checked his phone, but upon finding nothing I thought silly me. He would never do that to me. If anyone was going to cheat in this relationship, it was going to be me. Of course the sorry tale unfolded to reveal a different ending.

What I will never forget though is trying to reconcile who I thought he was, to things he had done. I thought he was a safe bet. He saw how his father cheated on his mother multiple times, he was dragged through a divorce twice and witnessed how his mothers heart broke. I thought the trauma of that would ensure that he would be the best, most faithful husband ever. This was further reinforced, when he refused to get to kinky with me. Feigning embarrassment with dirty talk and games in the bedroom, I thought that my libido simply outstripped his and I didn't mind. He loved me and that was enough for me.

The shock of finding out that my blushing husband was an aggressive sexual thrill seeker, gob smacked me.My whole life I have been avoiding the player type, only to find I married a master. Even today, sometimes I look at him and I have to remind myself that he is not the man I thought I married. He is everything I hate in a guy - the charmer and flirt. The promiscuous and shallow...

If we could go back in time, I wouldn't have married him right there and then. Not because I didn't love him, its because he wasn't ready. He thought he was, but he didn't know any better. His lack of experience in the end contributed to his down fall. That's how it is with innocence - they believe with all their heart that they are pure, but its the experienced amongst that through trial and error have come to know the monsters within. We know what we are capable of and therefore guard against. He got curious..and then hooked and then...then my heart slid off its axis and broke into a million pieces. Maybe if he had dated a little bit more, I would have been married to a different kind of man.

Innocence has a lot to be blamed for.

Next time, I will look for a man who has been around the block. Who loves me enough to commit and not be swayed by unfamiliar thighs and sighs. Next time, innocence be damned...