This week, at work we have been hosting an overseas team of MBA students. I have been the liaison between the teams, so I have spent hours with them...him.
There is this guy, which has taken an obvious liking to me and it feels great to be looked at with appreciation. He made sure that I knew that he would be staying until saturday before heading back home. Coupled with the intense look in his eyes, I am sure his hoping that I got the message. Well message recieved and understood.
The group has invited me to dinner tonight - I declined. As he shook my hand goodbye, he asked me to reconsider...twice. Its not that I am particularly attracted to him even, its just that he wants me.
His interested and it feels good to know that someone at least likes me - thinks I am worthy of their attention. The thought of soaking up his attention is alluring. It whispers, that I deserve it - why not...my husband will never find out.
Beyond the scintillating thought of having someone being interested me, it makes me a little sad to. This is how easy it is to cheat. When my husband was faced with the same situation, he never hesitated- not once did he think of me. I so badly want to tell him - See, guys flirt with me, you don't see me acting like a whore. See other men want me...look at my amazing self-control.
(sigh)
Thursday 26 April 2012
Friday 20 April 2012
The man who cried faithful
I had it out with him. I told him bluntly, that I thought he was cheating. I told him, that I am scared of who is in his class...and then I waited.
He was silent for a moment and walked away. He came back 2 minutes later and proceeded to protest his innocence. He told me to take his phone and check it - I laughed in his face. He told me, teary eyed that he wasn't cheating and he that didn't want to leave. He said, he had been trying so hard and that he hasn't done anything. I'm not cheating he kept on saying and I kept thinking - you lying sack of shit.
He made to try and prove his innocence and willingness to be transparent. He offered to not study (I vitoed that - if I am going to get child support - I need to him to earn good money). He offered to take a photo of everyone is his class (I agreed), He offered to swop phones with me whenever he went to class, so that if someone was texting him, I would see ( I laughed again - I mean what kind of idiot does my husband take me for exactly?). I reminded him that the only way I am going to believe that he hasn't been cheating, is if his next lie detector test works out. He said that sometimes it feels as though I hate him...I said sometimes I do.
I told him (again) that the problem is that he had lied so well before. He had become a master at covering his tracks. If I hadn't have found that one thread, today I would know nothing of my husbands unfaithfulness. His in a hell of own making and like the boy who cried wolf and to find his village no longer cared, I find that I am no longer willing to be believe my husband when he says his faithful. Taken a cue from another blog I love eat my scabs I asked my husband a couple of questions. I asked him over email, because his more comfortable emailing me than talking face to face about serious things (hows that for an unwanted consequence of online media). I simply asked - "What do you wish you had known looking back?" I didn't hear what I thought he would say, this is his response:
"Firstly, I think that if I had known that my pornography viewing had escalated into an addiction, then perhaps I would have been able to talk to someone about it and gotten the help I needed. I think that if I had done that, I would not have been tempted into looking for more exciting sexual sources such as online chatting.
I also think that if I was closer to God and and accepted Jesus into my heart sooner, I would have been able to reject the temptations that we put into my life. I should have tried harder, instead of hating the fact that I had to go to church.
Lastly, I wish that I was better at my role of husband. I wish that I had put more effort into our relationship instead of just letting it go into "auto-pilot". Perhaps if I had done that, I would have been able to be more honest about my sins, instead of being scared of your reaction and the consequences".
I guess I was hoping to hear more about him acknowledging the pain he caused me - but I told him that I didn't want an apology, I wanted the truth and there it is... (sigh).
He was silent for a moment and walked away. He came back 2 minutes later and proceeded to protest his innocence. He told me to take his phone and check it - I laughed in his face. He told me, teary eyed that he wasn't cheating and he that didn't want to leave. He said, he had been trying so hard and that he hasn't done anything. I'm not cheating he kept on saying and I kept thinking - you lying sack of shit.
He made to try and prove his innocence and willingness to be transparent. He offered to not study (I vitoed that - if I am going to get child support - I need to him to earn good money). He offered to take a photo of everyone is his class (I agreed), He offered to swop phones with me whenever he went to class, so that if someone was texting him, I would see ( I laughed again - I mean what kind of idiot does my husband take me for exactly?). I reminded him that the only way I am going to believe that he hasn't been cheating, is if his next lie detector test works out. He said that sometimes it feels as though I hate him...I said sometimes I do.
I told him (again) that the problem is that he had lied so well before. He had become a master at covering his tracks. If I hadn't have found that one thread, today I would know nothing of my husbands unfaithfulness. His in a hell of own making and like the boy who cried wolf and to find his village no longer cared, I find that I am no longer willing to be believe my husband when he says his faithful. Taken a cue from another blog I love eat my scabs I asked my husband a couple of questions. I asked him over email, because his more comfortable emailing me than talking face to face about serious things (hows that for an unwanted consequence of online media). I simply asked - "What do you wish you had known looking back?" I didn't hear what I thought he would say, this is his response:
"Firstly, I think that if I had known that my pornography viewing had escalated into an addiction, then perhaps I would have been able to talk to someone about it and gotten the help I needed. I think that if I had done that, I would not have been tempted into looking for more exciting sexual sources such as online chatting.
I also think that if I was closer to God and and accepted Jesus into my heart sooner, I would have been able to reject the temptations that we put into my life. I should have tried harder, instead of hating the fact that I had to go to church.
Lastly, I wish that I was better at my role of husband. I wish that I had put more effort into our relationship instead of just letting it go into "auto-pilot". Perhaps if I had done that, I would have been able to be more honest about my sins, instead of being scared of your reaction and the consequences".
I guess I was hoping to hear more about him acknowledging the pain he caused me - but I told him that I didn't want an apology, I wanted the truth and there it is... (sigh).
Monday 16 April 2012
I am losing my shit
It was around this time last year that my world was caving in around me and I am currently losing my shit. I am convinced his cheating on me again.
Yesterday, I saw what looked like a long sms on his phone, but I was to far away to see it properly. I checked his phone later and couldn't find it. His coming on to me, when he knows we can't have sex and his distant when its possible (yep, can you believe he did this all this all the time - I took me a while to see the pattern, but I eventually saw it). Yesterday, we went to church - I don't think he sang, but then again I wasn't watching him all the time...
This time last year, I found out about a work colleague and how smitten he apparently was with her. He says he wasn't - but damn you could almost see his words written online dripping with honey, but no, if I ask him to talk to me and he has nothing to say...anways
Am I going crazy? Is this a serious bout of post traumatic stress or what? Is he doing the deed or not. I am suspicious of even his toilet breaks, checking to see where his phone is and I spot it, I wonder if he has two.I can't believe this crap. I never thought this where I would be.
His starting a new course today. 3 nights a week at a college close to Greenpoint ( our red light district, where prostitutes line the side walk). What if he does it again? What if there is some beautiful young thing in his class? What if...
I googled his name for the millionth time and found the same chatrooms I found a year ago. This time, I thought I saw him connect with a guy. My heart jumped into my throat - please don't tell I need to watch out for close male friends too...this time it wasnt a guy, but something tells me that hubby dearest, given the right circumstances, its a possibility.
He emailed me this morning and asked how I am doing after I saw he had a profile on linked in and all the bitterness and poison spewed out. I sent him this:
"We both know that you deleted any incriminating stuff a long time ago, so there are no surprises. I don't know why I even asked - forced habit guess.I need to accept that you are a first rate liar and know how to cover your tracks, so I shouldn't try to control anything or see everything you do, because its pointless. Its hard to embrace that - but I need to. If we stay married, than thats just how it is. The choices you make are really your own. So you want to keep the profile go ahead. You want to delete stuff off your webmail account go ahead. You want to have multiple accounts go ahead...
I won't bother to ask you, to at least have the decency to let me know when try to fuck other people again so I can get on with my life, because we both know thats not going to happen. You like having me around to play happy families to much, while you get a piece of action on the side. You have been such a monumental tool.
I know I sound angry and thats because I am. I am angry, bitter and heartbroken. Its not because of the profile itself - its just a reminder of how fake our marriage is and how fake you have been when you have tried to use every available opportunity to you to screw anything that would open its legs for you and then asking me to blow you afterwards...and me like a retard thought that wow you must be the most amazing husband in the universe and that I was stupid for thinking that something was wrong.
Im going to go for walk...".
He hasn't responded yet. His probably angry, because he thinks his doing all he can and why can't I just get over it. Well, screw that shit. This is how I feel today...
We are creeping ever closer to the abyss and a part of me thinks it will be a relief to finally fall.
Yesterday, I saw what looked like a long sms on his phone, but I was to far away to see it properly. I checked his phone later and couldn't find it. His coming on to me, when he knows we can't have sex and his distant when its possible (yep, can you believe he did this all this all the time - I took me a while to see the pattern, but I eventually saw it). Yesterday, we went to church - I don't think he sang, but then again I wasn't watching him all the time...
This time last year, I found out about a work colleague and how smitten he apparently was with her. He says he wasn't - but damn you could almost see his words written online dripping with honey, but no, if I ask him to talk to me and he has nothing to say...anways
Am I going crazy? Is this a serious bout of post traumatic stress or what? Is he doing the deed or not. I am suspicious of even his toilet breaks, checking to see where his phone is and I spot it, I wonder if he has two.I can't believe this crap. I never thought this where I would be.
His starting a new course today. 3 nights a week at a college close to Greenpoint ( our red light district, where prostitutes line the side walk). What if he does it again? What if there is some beautiful young thing in his class? What if...
I googled his name for the millionth time and found the same chatrooms I found a year ago. This time, I thought I saw him connect with a guy. My heart jumped into my throat - please don't tell I need to watch out for close male friends too...this time it wasnt a guy, but something tells me that hubby dearest, given the right circumstances, its a possibility.
He emailed me this morning and asked how I am doing after I saw he had a profile on linked in and all the bitterness and poison spewed out. I sent him this:
"We both know that you deleted any incriminating stuff a long time ago, so there are no surprises. I don't know why I even asked - forced habit guess.I need to accept that you are a first rate liar and know how to cover your tracks, so I shouldn't try to control anything or see everything you do, because its pointless. Its hard to embrace that - but I need to. If we stay married, than thats just how it is. The choices you make are really your own. So you want to keep the profile go ahead. You want to delete stuff off your webmail account go ahead. You want to have multiple accounts go ahead...
I won't bother to ask you, to at least have the decency to let me know when try to fuck other people again so I can get on with my life, because we both know thats not going to happen. You like having me around to play happy families to much, while you get a piece of action on the side. You have been such a monumental tool.
I know I sound angry and thats because I am. I am angry, bitter and heartbroken. Its not because of the profile itself - its just a reminder of how fake our marriage is and how fake you have been when you have tried to use every available opportunity to you to screw anything that would open its legs for you and then asking me to blow you afterwards...and me like a retard thought that wow you must be the most amazing husband in the universe and that I was stupid for thinking that something was wrong.
Im going to go for walk...".
He hasn't responded yet. His probably angry, because he thinks his doing all he can and why can't I just get over it. Well, screw that shit. This is how I feel today...
We are creeping ever closer to the abyss and a part of me thinks it will be a relief to finally fall.
Is it better for someone to cheat for love or lust?
My husband would emphasise that none of them meant anything. It was a sex thing. Purely physical and nothing more...
At first it was a comfort as I felt the death knell, surely would ring if he had said that he had loved any of them. But now I am not so sure.
I look into my sons face, beaming at his dad and I wonder how he could have put this on line, for sex with a stranger. How could he have put my love on the line for one night stands...and I search and search for an answer that would satisfy me. One that I could totally embrace and understand and I thought that only one that I would be "okay" with was that if he told me that he loved her...them. I understand love. I have never believed that there is this one true soul mate for everyone. I think that there are a couple of people on this earth that could make you very happy and would be wonderful partners. If you're lucky, you meet one of them and you promise life long committment. I have always understood that somewhere along the line, you will might meet another person that could have made a great partner as well - it would be sad, but you make the right choice and you stick with the one you committed to. Sometimes I find myself thinking...please tell me you loved her. Tell me that you put us on the line for someone who was amazing, wonderful and you had a deep abiding connection with. Please don't tell me, that you put me at risk for some tramp who thought it was cool to do a married guy.
But then I think, if it was love. Shouldn't he have loved me more? I think its possible to care for two people at the same time, but I don't think its possible to care about them the same. Surely, I should have come out on top. So no...love wouldn't do.
So what is it? Yes he hits all the markers for a porn addict, but for some reason I struggle to really embrace it even though it true. For me, I think the simple truth is,is that my husband is broken. His my favourite dress, that got torn at the back by some nail. His the project I have been working on for months only for my boss to make a couple of "suggestions". His my parents first vicious arugment in front of us.... He is broken...and thats something I can understand.
His broken and I can't fix him. His broken and he didn't know. His broken and has cut me on his jagged edges. His broken and I can't bear it...
At first it was a comfort as I felt the death knell, surely would ring if he had said that he had loved any of them. But now I am not so sure.
I look into my sons face, beaming at his dad and I wonder how he could have put this on line, for sex with a stranger. How could he have put my love on the line for one night stands...and I search and search for an answer that would satisfy me. One that I could totally embrace and understand and I thought that only one that I would be "okay" with was that if he told me that he loved her...them. I understand love. I have never believed that there is this one true soul mate for everyone. I think that there are a couple of people on this earth that could make you very happy and would be wonderful partners. If you're lucky, you meet one of them and you promise life long committment. I have always understood that somewhere along the line, you will might meet another person that could have made a great partner as well - it would be sad, but you make the right choice and you stick with the one you committed to. Sometimes I find myself thinking...please tell me you loved her. Tell me that you put us on the line for someone who was amazing, wonderful and you had a deep abiding connection with. Please don't tell me, that you put me at risk for some tramp who thought it was cool to do a married guy.
But then I think, if it was love. Shouldn't he have loved me more? I think its possible to care for two people at the same time, but I don't think its possible to care about them the same. Surely, I should have come out on top. So no...love wouldn't do.
So what is it? Yes he hits all the markers for a porn addict, but for some reason I struggle to really embrace it even though it true. For me, I think the simple truth is,is that my husband is broken. His my favourite dress, that got torn at the back by some nail. His the project I have been working on for months only for my boss to make a couple of "suggestions". His my parents first vicious arugment in front of us.... He is broken...and thats something I can understand.
His broken and I can't fix him. His broken and he didn't know. His broken and has cut me on his jagged edges. His broken and I can't bear it...
Saturday 14 April 2012
Saturday 7 April 2012
#7 things I can't say out loud
I feel ugly around you
Do you think she was prettier than me...was she a better kisser than me? Where her lips soft and welcoming...and never complaining...
I can not bear my own reflection because of you...
I wish I wasn't me...I wish you weren't you
Do you think she was prettier than me...was she a better kisser than me? Where her lips soft and welcoming...and never complaining...
I can not bear my own reflection because of you...
I wish I wasn't me...I wish you weren't you
Monday 2 April 2012
The Pyrrhic victory
Pyrrhic victory \PIR-ik\ , noun:
A victory achieved at great or excessive cost; a ruinous victory.
They say, that you should stay after your partner cheats provided they understand the amount of pain they have caused. They say that once a cheater sees the destruction they have caused, he will treat you like a queen. They will never ever cheat again.Why let another woman benefit from the pain from you have endured. To reap the rewards of living with a reformed cheat.
But what measure of happiness can really be gotten by staying? So what if he treats you like precious stones - where was this care before? So what if his now on the straight and narrow? By staying you have doomed yourself to a lifetime of questioning his faithfulness...every background sound over the phone could be another woman...every tap of a keyboard could be an online chat. What price am I to pay for my 'reward'. They say that being with someone who has cheated on you once is better than being with someone has never cheated on you before. The logic being that once its done, its over with. But someone who has never cheated is always wondering and can do it at anytime.
How fucked up is that. It's better to stay with someone who has betrayed you, in the hopes that they have learnt their lesson after seeing you cry? In the meantime your life slips away, waiting for him to betray himself again. What kind of life is that? Is this the life I am meant to have? Seeming gratitude that its happened and move on as if its all par for the course? I can't...I just can't. It hurts to much. I would rather be alone, than to wait for him to slip up. I don't want to be with anyone else. I just don't want to be with him...
The loss is to great, tainting dreams in hues of bittersweetness.
I am left dying on the battlefield of his addiction. The trauma to my shattered heart can barely be endured through gritted teeth. He wails over my broken self, trying to withdraw the knife he savaged me with. He tells me the battle is over and we won...I try to smile but as far as I can see I am the only casuality of war. I am the bloodprice for his victory...
Sunday 1 April 2012
The escape plan...
Sitting alone in living room with some b grade action movie playing in the background, I am considering my escape plan. My husband and child are fast asleep and I really should go to bed, but I can't let it go...my escape plan has taken over my imagination.
The thing is, is that I can't possibly stay in a marriage where its become very clear that my husband is an asshole even though his trying to change. It drives me crazy wondering if staying is just going to bite me in the ass down the line. I have always believed once a cheater always a cheater, and now faced my own cheater - I am forced to take a leap of faith if I am to give my marriage a fighting chance. So as I prepare to take this leap of faith, I have decided to strap on a parachute...my escape plan. I am going to open up an account and start saving money. I have started calling it my freedom fund. The sole purpose of this fund, is to allow me and whatever children I may have to start afresh, without daddy dearest. The thought of the fund already makes me feel more at peace. The notion that I will be able to move out or chuck him out with some sort of financial cushion, helps me to breathe easier.
Also I need to pursue my studies more aggressively. Maybe I will do my masters. It will make me more marketable if and when my marriage finally gives up the ghost. I won't have time to study then...but I can study now while he babysits. So ja studying and saving, will give me a fighting chance to be a successful single mom and provide for my family. Mmmm that feels good...
The thing is, is that I can't possibly stay in a marriage where its become very clear that my husband is an asshole even though his trying to change. It drives me crazy wondering if staying is just going to bite me in the ass down the line. I have always believed once a cheater always a cheater, and now faced my own cheater - I am forced to take a leap of faith if I am to give my marriage a fighting chance. So as I prepare to take this leap of faith, I have decided to strap on a parachute...my escape plan. I am going to open up an account and start saving money. I have started calling it my freedom fund. The sole purpose of this fund, is to allow me and whatever children I may have to start afresh, without daddy dearest. The thought of the fund already makes me feel more at peace. The notion that I will be able to move out or chuck him out with some sort of financial cushion, helps me to breathe easier.
Also I need to pursue my studies more aggressively. Maybe I will do my masters. It will make me more marketable if and when my marriage finally gives up the ghost. I won't have time to study then...but I can study now while he babysits. So ja studying and saving, will give me a fighting chance to be a successful single mom and provide for my family. Mmmm that feels good...
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