Yesterday, I saw what looked like a long sms on his phone, but I was to far away to see it properly. I checked his phone later and couldn't find it. His coming on to me, when he knows we can't have sex and his distant when its possible (yep, can you believe he did this all this all the time - I took me a while to see the pattern, but I eventually saw it). Yesterday, we went to church - I don't think he sang, but then again I wasn't watching him all the time...
This time last year, I found out about a work colleague and how smitten he apparently was with her. He says he wasn't - but damn you could almost see his words written online dripping with honey, but no, if I ask him to talk to me and he has nothing to say...anways
Am I going crazy? Is this a serious bout of post traumatic stress or what? Is he doing the deed or not. I am suspicious of even his toilet breaks, checking to see where his phone is and I spot it, I wonder if he has two.I can't believe this crap. I never thought this where I would be.
His starting a new course today. 3 nights a week at a college close to Greenpoint ( our red light district, where prostitutes line the side walk). What if he does it again? What if there is some beautiful young thing in his class? What if...
I googled his name for the millionth time and found the same chatrooms I found a year ago. This time, I thought I saw him connect with a guy. My heart jumped into my throat - please don't tell I need to watch out for close male friends too...this time it wasnt a guy, but something tells me that hubby dearest, given the right circumstances, its a possibility.
He emailed me this morning and asked how I am doing after I saw he had a profile on linked in and all the bitterness and poison spewed out. I sent him this:
"We both know that you deleted any incriminating stuff a long time ago, so there are no surprises. I don't know why I even asked - forced habit guess.I need to accept that you are a first rate liar and know how to cover your tracks, so I shouldn't try to control anything or see everything you do, because its pointless. Its hard to embrace that - but I need to. If we stay married, than thats just how it is. The choices you make are really your own. So you want to keep the profile go ahead. You want to delete stuff off your webmail account go ahead. You want to have multiple accounts go ahead...
I won't bother to ask you, to at least have the decency to let me know when try to fuck other people again so I can get on with my life, because we both know thats not going to happen. You like having me around to play happy families to much, while you get a piece of action on the side. You have been such a monumental tool.
I know I sound angry and thats because I am. I am angry, bitter and heartbroken. Its not because of the profile itself - its just a reminder of how fake our marriage is and how fake you have been when you have tried to use every available opportunity to you to screw anything that would open its legs for you and then asking me to blow you afterwards...and me like a retard thought that wow you must be the most amazing husband in the universe and that I was stupid for thinking that something was wrong.
Im going to go for walk...".
He hasn't responded yet. His probably angry, because he thinks his doing all he can and why can't I just get over it. Well, screw that shit. This is how I feel today...
We are creeping ever closer to the abyss and a part of me thinks it will be a relief to finally fall.
i know this so well. And I'm going to tell you a secret.
ReplyDeleteFor me, any attempt at trying to reconcile our relationship was a joke if i didn't have proof of his fidelity and honesty. He had done too much damage. He could find new ways to lie, new ways to keep me in the dark. And oddly enough, i still trusted him when he told me he was clean.
Looks like you've had some experience with lie detectors...this is better. You can get a tracker on his phone. I tracked everything. All text messages, phone calls, instant message, email, internet history, gps etc! It was amazing. I installed it for a few months then removed it when I felt confident with his fidelity. I wasn't going to be lied to again.
Some will say this can be a slippery slop. And I agree. You don't want to go crazy hunting down his every action and interaction. You can't be hyper-vigilant checking his behavior, this will only drive you insane.
But to use this as a tool for knowing the truth. I think that's ok. If you do this, I'd suggest to give yourself some guidelines. Maybe only check a few times a week. And walk yourself through what you will say and do if you find unsettling info.
I tell you this because I know the pain and uncertainty you're describing. You can't make a decision about your husband when you don't trust or know the truth.
This was how I made it through those rough months of not "losing my shit" it gave me peace of mind until he had earned some trust.
And then again, sometimes we just trigger near anniversary dates of our d-day.
I'm sorry your hurting so much right now. I'm here for you! and thinking of you tonight.
And you know what else, you don't have to stay with him. You can walk away at any moment. And you can move on and be happy. You and your babyt will find happiness no matter wht you decide to do. I'm so sorry he's treated you so terribly.
ReplyDeleteI love that tracker thing!! I am going to give it some serious thought...unfortunately my husband is an IT administrator, so he picks up most things, but even if it runs for a couple of days before he finds out - it would be good!
ReplyDeleteThanks re comments that I will find happiness no matter what. I miss my happiness :-(
Im sorry yours did the same to you.
Tell me - mine is swearing up and down that his doing so much better and that never looks at porn, never has online sex anymore blah blah blah and yet his excuse for going crazy for last 4 years is that he was an addict. Surely if he was such an addict, than he wouldn't find it so easy to stop. Is yours struggling or is he saying everything is fine?
Everyday is a struggle. Right now, things are pretty mild. But,that could change in a heartbeat. It certainly is suspicious that an addict can stop cold turkey. Hard to believe. One of the worst phases i've gone through with him was the lying/discovering the truth phase. Liars never want to come out with all the lies at once. He gave me little bits of truth until one day I knew. We couldn't really being the healing process until the truth was out in the open and we could have transparency. Without that there really isn't any hope of rebuilding a shattered marriage.
ReplyDelete