The man who cried faithful

I had it out with him. I told him bluntly, that I thought he was cheating. I told him, that I am scared of who is in his class...and then I waited.

He was silent for a moment and walked away. He came back 2 minutes later and proceeded to protest his innocence. He told me to take his phone and check it - I laughed in his face. He told me, teary eyed that he wasn't cheating and he that didn't want to leave. He said, he had been trying so hard and that he hasn't done anything. I'm not cheating he kept on saying and I kept thinking - you lying sack of shit.

He made to try and prove his innocence and willingness to be transparent. He offered to not study (I vitoed that - if I am going to get child support - I need to him to earn good money). He offered to take a photo of everyone is his class (I agreed), He offered to swop phones with me whenever he went to class, so that if someone was texting him, I would see ( I laughed again - I mean what kind of idiot does my husband take me for exactly?). I reminded him that the only way I am going to believe that he hasn't been cheating, is if his next lie detector test works out. He said that sometimes it feels as though I hate him...I said sometimes I do.

I told him (again) that the problem is that he had lied so well before. He had become a master at covering his tracks. If I hadn't have found that one thread, today I would know nothing of my husbands unfaithfulness. His in a hell of own making and like the boy who cried wolf and to find his village no longer cared, I find that I am no longer willing to be believe my husband when he says his faithful. Taken a cue from another blog I love eat my scabs I asked my husband a couple of questions. I asked him over email, because his more comfortable emailing me than talking face to face about serious things (hows that for an unwanted consequence of online media). I simply asked - "What do you wish you had known looking back?" I didn't hear what I thought he would say, this is his response:

"Firstly, I think that if I had known that my pornography viewing had escalated into an addiction, then perhaps I would have been able to talk to someone about it and gotten the help I needed. I think that if I had done that, I would not have been tempted into looking for more exciting sexual sources such as online chatting.

I also think that if I was closer to God and and accepted Jesus into my heart sooner, I would have been able to reject the temptations that we put into my life. I should have tried harder, instead of hating the fact that I had to go to church.

Lastly, I wish that I was better at my role of husband. I wish that I had put more effort into our relationship instead of just letting it go into "auto-pilot". Perhaps if I had done that, I would have been able to be more honest about my sins, instead of being scared of your reaction and the consequences".

I guess I was hoping to hear more about him acknowledging the pain he caused me - but I told him that I didn't want an apology, I wanted the truth and there it is... (sigh).