We spoke about the bully wife - the one that monitors everything he does - drills him on everywhere his been - interrogates and insults her husband for fear that if she doesn't, he will mislead her once again. The blind wife, who actually refuses to even consider that her once promiscuous partner could cheat on her again. Despite the most heinous of betrayals she blinds herself to the possibility of unfaithfulness...because it hurts to damn much to even think he would do it again, after he saw the way her heart crumbled the last time...
How about the resigned wife. The wife that cooks, cleans and sighs sighs of regret under her breath. Perhaps she stayed to long, perhaps she should have screamed at him instead of praying alone...perhaps she should have prayed first instead of chucking him out...she will never know where her footing slipped, as she tried to hold on to her husband for her familys sake. All she knows is that something went wrong along the way and it haunts her that she couldn't make it right. She looks at her life and regrets the decision she made to either stay or leave..
And of course the pragmatic wife - she misses the days when her husband truly was her hero, but she has come to terms with his feet of clay. She longs to be loved like the heroine in Mills and Boon books - desperately and honestly, but she knows that this is unlikely - so a warm relationship is settled for. After all, what she and her kids get out of it, is worth the sacrifice of girlhood dreams. Most days she is fine with the sacrifice, but every now and then she wonders if there is a man out there, searching for her, who is ready to make her his all and everything.She consciously pushes the thought aside, before she turns to face her husband. He can only offer her a comfortable and warm companionship now- never again will he be able to sweep her off her feet. After all she has found out what happens when your head is in the clouds. And she has learnt to be okay with that...
I wonder these days, which wife am I- I have yet to meet a woman who has gone through constant infidelity in her marriage and has come out permanently happy and content on the other side. Maybe "okay"...but never happy. Is it possible? We flip between " I feel like we're doing better" and " What is that bastard doing now" - we have a good days and bad, but the way we look at the world and our husbands will never be the same again.
Sometimes the weight of unknowing is to much to bear and I want to pack it all in. I know that I don't want to be bitter, resigned or a bully. I want to end off my marriage the way I started- proud of my husband and content with the choices I have made.And that's my prayer for us all - that one day when we are to old to bother with bras, that we look back and are content with the choices we have made and the husbands we had.
Be blessed.
