When science and faith collide..

I am waiting for the familiar ache in my chest, that confirms that what I am hearing is a lie. It has never failed me once I knew my husband was a bit of a slut...I listened to him tell me time and time again, that the lie detector test wasn't truthful. That the machine in a sense lied. For me, there was no accompanying feeling that he was lying once again. But I also don't believe that somehow the machine was faulty.

I think the machine picked up his responses to questions pretty accurately. I felt comfortable with the polygraphist, who actually took the time to walk me through my husbands charts afterwards and yet...I actually dont think I believe the result. My husband has done his utmost in the past year, to show that he has changed his ways.But then again, my husband has shown me in no uncertain terms that he is quite the skilled orator when required.So, faced with my seemingly looming divorce, not believing the polygraph but loathe to believe that my husband has somehow fooled me once again - I decided to give him the best opportunity I can afford him, to make his case. The problem is, is that my husbands word is shot to hell - so with the dedication and clear headedness that has been reserved to tracking down his infidelities over the last four years, I took that skill and began to research lie detector tests and gathering evidence, deciding to let it speak for itself. Standing at the biggest fork of our lives...I had to make sure that what I decided was a weighted decision, but at a loss for how to do that since I struggle to trust myself and I can't believe him. So I researched...

In summary: I found the that main value of the polygraph, is that it forces confessions. So the test itself does not hold value, but instead it brings about an environment where confessions are more likely. I researched into its validity in the courtroom and I found that when the polygraph is used, it has to be coupled with evidence. It can not stand on its own, because its not strong enough on its own. So I sat there and thought about what this meant for me. So, the polygraph can only be validated by confession or evidence. Since there was no confession, I must gather unarguable evidence that would either support or dispute the results. Dispute the results, we stay married. Support and my husband can kiss my ass goodbye.

Next step - where to gather evidence? I had exhausted all avenues except one...I did what I told myself I would never do...I got in touch with the other woman.

Since she now lives in Germany, I facebooked her. Told her that we were sorting some stuff out to be a stronger couple and that I was concerned that my husband wasn't being truthful. That I am willing to forgive anything, but we need to be honest about whats happened and that I was concerned that he was not being truthful out of fear. The whole message to her, what set up to reflect that she would be the hero of the hour if she could honest with me. Within 24hrs she responded. In detail she explained to me what had happended between her and my husband. Not pretty, but sex didn't feature. I think what made me believe her, was that she actually mentions that my husband told her, that he was developing a crush on her and how she had attempted to rekindle the relationship after the first "breakup"...two truths so awkward to share, but she did it. So I believe her, more than I believe my husband...

Okay, next step - why would my husband organise a polygraph - pay a buckload of money for it when he knew he was lying. I don't put anything past my husband anymore, so its quite possible to me - that he did it, to force a confrontation and make me choose and voila, here we are. And then I remembered that on our way to the test, he mentioned that he had planned a surprise for me...

The following day, I asked him what was the plan, if he had passed. He said he had made a booking at a restaurant that we have been wanting to spoil ourselves with. I let it be...I called the restaurant yesterday to confirm whether my husband had made a booking. My rationale being, that maybe he was crazy enough to book a test and hope that it was enough for me to believe him (hahaha), but he wouldn't go through the trouble of booking us a table, if he genuinely didn't believe that he would pass. Its such a minor detail, in the bigger scheme of things, that it wouldn't have occured to him to do that. So I listened over the phone, as tthe sniffing maitre d told me...that he had indeed booked and had missed it...

So where does this leave me. In theory, I believe now that he didn't have sex with that woman...I believe he thought he would pass - which means he must have tried to be faithful...

But the truth is, is that it doesn't prove much, but casts enough doubt in the test for me to stay.

This will be the last time I use a polygraph, as this round has freed me from believing in its unassailability. BUT It has served its purpose and I am in a much better position in my marriage for it...

So where to from here? I am staying because I feel, that his not lying - even though I struggle to trust the feeling. I can't explain the polygraph...but it doesn't reflect my experience of my husband over the last year. I choose to believe my husband. If he had passed the test, I probably would be forever dependent on it, to believe him about anything. In a way its forced perhaps a truer starting of our journey to recovery and for me to start believing in my God given intuition once again.

Failure to thrive

He failed. The test showed deception for a) have you been a relationship with anyone other than your wife since April 2011 b) have you had sexual intercourse since April 2011 c) Have you been watching pornography without your wife's consent since May 2011.

The polygraphy guy said -3 would show deception. My husband clocked in at -5, -7 and -2 respectively.

HE LIED...

I don't know what to do...

He is swearing his innocence...that he told the truth. that his worked damn hard this last year and his not going to let some machine take it from him.

So do I believe a machine or do I believe my husband?

I just cant believe it. I thought we were doing so well. Dear God please help me. I don't understand what to do anymore. Please show me what I need to do...please.

I think it was Lara...it must be. She is the one I caught him having an affair with. Their offices were right next door to each other. He said they broke it off - but maybe he lied. Maybe he was fucking her everyday until she left to go back to home to fucking germany. Maybe my paranoi that he was chatting to her, while I was recovering in hospital from the birth of our son, wasn't so far from the truth.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I love him so much - why couldn't he just be faithful WHY WHY WHY WHY.

what am i supposed to do now?

Nandos and heartbreak

We love food. We don't need much of an excuse to eat a wonderful meal, but I have noticed that when we want to celebrate we get Chinese. It marked our first anniversay, the day we moved in together, when we got raises etc. Good times = Chinese food.

And when things fell apart and we had our "discussion" over whether we were getting divorced or not, we ordered Nandos'. When he first started counselling and we sat together to chat afterwards, we ate Nandos'. When he moved out of the house, and I sat alone in the stillness of our house - I ordered Nando's. Nando's has began to = sadness to me. Tonight he wants Nando's. A fresh wave of dread has hit me and my chest is tight with anxiety. Nando's...really? If tonight is our last night as a family, do you really want Nando's? Is it a sign?I know its something small, but I just can't. I can see myself beginning to cry over eating an lemon and herb wing. Wiping away said tears over a portugese roll.

I don't think he realises what his suggested.

No honeypie...no Nando's for me tonight. I think I'll hold out for some Chinese tomorrow...

Surprise! I booked a lie detector test...

My husband has surprised me, by booking his own lie detector test on Saturday.

In the beginning of this year, I made no bones about my expectations that I would require a lie detector test. However, I wasn't going to drive myself crazy and I told him that I would leave it up to him. So if he doesn't want to, thats okay...but just as he has his choices, I have mine.

My family would be shocked to know that I have asked for a second polygraph - but they wouldn't understand. My husband, who I have shared a bed with for the past four years has learnt how to lie. 

He has lied and lied and lied. I was completely blind-sided by his ability to weave story upon story-who knew my IT geek of a husband could be so creative. Oh how he cried and cried while fabricating some bullshit, for me to buy into. He led me down a fictitous path, laying down a false trail of trickle truth. Often I would be journeying with him, only to find that something didn't sound right and down the next rabbit hole we would go as he changed course. He lied to save himself and then he lied to save "us" and all it did, was break down our relationship further...

The original lie detector test, brought him to his knees and stopped all of that. In the habit of lying, he tried to be "honest" after realising how serious I was - only to lay down another lie and than when I stated we were going ahead - wow, did the shit hit the fan.  I have no doubt, my husband would have continued lying to me if he could. I believe we would have been divorced today, if he been provided the space to continue doing so. The lie detector test, was a watershed event.

Maybe my dad should have done this too!

He failed his first test, not wanting to tell the guy that he had been with a prostitute (which is illegal over here). So his test came back negative. I was hurt, but I made the call to give him a year. Even if he hasn't been completely honest about everything he has done - for me I realised the point was, whether he would be able to stop. So I swallowed the little bit of pride I had left. Told him I understood, deciding that I wouldn't tell him this, but I was prepared to give him a year.A year to show me whether he has the ability to either a) stop trying to screw everything that moves b) whether he would be able to tell me the truth, if he slipped up.

At the beginning of this year, I told that I would like him to take a lie detector test. He was surprised, but agreed. I told him that I didn't want anything to do with it, he needs to organise it. And then I waited to see what he would do. Would he try to convince me that it wasn't needed (like the last time) or would a spring of new deceptions spill out.

I waited and nothing happened. I had that conversation in January and it is now May. I decided that if by July, nothing was forthcoming I would leave, because I am not spending my 30th birthday in a marriage with a tramp. Last night, he told me he wanted to surprise me and thats why he hasn't spoken about it - he wanted to pay for it himself, and now that he has the money, he has booked a polygraph for saturday.

He has asked me what questions I want to give the guy, but all I have is one " Have you been faithful to me since April 2011". My entire future depends on the answer to this one question. If he fails again, I will not be so understanding as I was the last time. I have decided whatever filthy secrets he has kept, he can keep - I am ready to move on...if he passes.

He will be paying R1000 for the polygraph...seems like a lot for just one question, but what is R1000 when compared to the value of what we could have...

Wish me luck...

Xena!

Gypsy Weddings

I have been watching Gypsy Weddings and I am totally facinated by their culture. What has grabbed my attention even more, is the age at which they get married. When I was 16, all I knew was that I liked the flirtatous looks boys gave me. They are so young and inexperienced, but so sure that this is what they want..it astounds me.

I wonder what life is like for them after the novelty of sex and being husband and wife wears off. I wonder about the long term happiness in these marriages - is infidelity expected and part and parcel of life or is the happily ever after still desired? Barely adults when they get married, how do they know what they need vs what they want?

Looking back, I don't know if I would have allowed my husband to get married so young. He was freshly 24 then and inexperienced. In my more clinical moments I recognise the allure of grabbing the opportunity, when you have only ever had sex with one person. I understand how wonderful it must feel to know someone else is interested in you and to want the opportunity explore other relationships. It was just bad timing. Maybe he should have played the field a little bit, before settling down. Perhaps life would have been different for us, if he had...but he wanted both and wasn't courageous enough to choose.

And now I look at these young guys, excited and flush with victory of getting the girl and I wonder how long it will be before their eyes and hands wander to next available woman. Has their culture ensured marital misery? and are they okay with it? Passion burns bright, but it burns itself out in the end - and when that happens often we believe that love no longer exists and that other woman or man down the road must surely be your soul mate. The wedding dress, escourt and cake all distant memories...

Cinders for a day...

I think we should ban people getting married under the age of 27. We barely know who we are, never mind what we need in a partner...but on the other hand people change anyway, so who you marry today, may not be the same person you wake up to in years to come...

Gypsy weddings...I wish we could see how life unfolds afterwards...

The other family

My aunt related to me by affair, died this week. She had a heart attack. I barely knew her and perhaps have seen her a handful of times. She belonged to the "other family"...

You see my maternal great grandfather had two women. He had been with my great grandmother first and then the mistress came along.They didn't know about each other until it came time for him to choose. My great grandmother didn't have much, but she was intelligent, ambitious and strong. He didn't choose her. And when it was time to leave, he said that he couldn't possibly leave this other woman because she needed him. She wouldn't be able to survive on her own, as he knew my great grandmother could. They say, his mistress had wrapped him around her little finger so tightly, they didn't who he was anymore. There was hushed conversations of witchraft involved...my great grandmother fought and begged for him to stay...

At the end of the day, he left. He left her and their children for his mistress and their children.

So my grandfather and his siblings lived in fishermans cottage, little better than a shack. Sleeping in one room on the floor...where the other family seemed to do well. I can only imagine the bitterness my grandfather must have felt.

Well, years later blood has told. Our family has prospered and theirs haven't. There isn't a shack in sight, we have good paying jobs and ambitiously we persue our dreams and careers - and we are successful at it. I wish my great grandmother could see the line of women that has come after her. What we have done and accomplished, even though she had to scrape and beg to keep a roof over her families head. I believe it was because she remained faithful to God and although she never got to see us in action, her sacrifice has paved the way for us.

The "other" family struggles. Poverty stricken, living in a slum - going nowhere slowly. I feel the corner of my mouth turn up in scorn - my heart whispers the words "this is what you get"...I feel petty, but somehow their downfall has fed my attitude of vengeance. My family suffered, heartbroken and alone my great grandmother was left to fend for herself and now look...blood tells.

Why did my great grandfather do it?

I actually believe that just as my great grandmothers actions has influenced our family line, his actions have influenced theirs. They are paying the price for his disloyalty. He brought into that home, a spirit of lust, betrayal and brokeness. Its a generational curse brought on by his own actions. Today, parts of that family is christian and they pray and attend church - but I wonder if that they understand the bigger picture of why they are where they are. Did they think, that life just happened this way? I feel bad for the upcoming generations and I believe that a full recovery can be made - but a price must be paid and today we see it happening.

We like to think of ourselves seperate from the generations before us, but its all linked. Things are passed down - hardships and blessings due to someone elses actions- this is how things work. Our partners are porn addicts for a reason - it would be interesting to know what happened in that family line (if the family is honest enough to say it like it is)...

We have a serious problem with lust and abuse in my family line from both sides. In every generation, we see it pop up. Its there because we have failed to make the right decisions, when we were called to be righteous and do the right thing.

I would be lying if I said my decision to stay up to this point hasn't been largely, because I believe that my son will reap the rewards if I stay. My husband comes from a broken home, because his father was a philandering jerk and his father before him was an absentee dad. I want more for my son than the life, his father and grandfather has up to this point had  laid out for him.

Of course, if my husband continues being unfaithful - I wouldn't want my son around that either - but while we are all trying, I will stay because I believe that will bring about positive change in his family line and my son will be in a better place for it.

As future elders of our families, we need to understand what we do now matters. We need to truly embrace the idea that we have the power to change things for the better or the worst and that sometimes to see joy and goodness in our families we need to pay the price for someone elses bad choices.

Sms...

My baby is asleep on my chest. I'm alone again. My husband is heaven knows where. His meant to be in class tonight ( I've been encouraging him to find a hobby to fill the void left by porn) as he reminded me twice this morning.

This afternoon he said his boss wants to go for lunch and needs some bucks. I transfer it..2 minutes later I get sms saying thank you. A minute after that I get saying " can I buy you dinner tonight". No familiar salutations that suggests he knows his smsed his wife. With reminders of class still fresh in my mind, I sms him saying that since his class ends at 9.30pm it might be a late...no answering sms.

Later he claims to have not seen it. I'm not so sure that I believe him.

Where is my husband tonight?

Remorse

Remorse:

"a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs"

My husband doesn't really talk about his feelings. When DDay came about, it was a hard slog to even get him to a place where he would talk about the facts never mind his feelings.

Oh, he has cried - both crocodile and genuine tears. He has told me numerous times that he loves me and wants to continue with our marriage - but I have always struggled to believe that he feels remorse...that he genuinely regrets what has happended.

So his throwaway line this morning took me by surprise. We were listening to this christian music station and for some reason the topic of free- will came up. He normally doesn't talk about concepts in our faith, but this one seemed to really connect with him. My husband spoke passionately for about 5 minutes about how people can't just live their lives and then turn to God when the going gets tough and then he said: "Now just look at me...God gave me choices. He gave me two choices. I can either follow him or skpye and ruin the rest of my life".Maybe it was the use of the word "ruin"...maybe it was the bitter look on his face when he said it... In that moment his  regret and anger directed at himself was papable. I think its the first time, I actually believe he has regretted what he has done.Maybe the difference is, is that he didn't say it during a fight in order to manipulate me - maybe the difference is that finally I am ready to hear it.

A lot can be forgiven if true remorse coupled with action is evident...

Pee like a lady...

My mother taught me many things. She taught me how to walk like a lady , how to sit like a lady, which knife and fork to use and when, even  which words and tone to use...she taught me how be the perfect lady and yes, she taught me how to pee like one too i.e. in order to avoid the vulgar splashing sound, when others are within hearing range - line the bottom with some loo paper LOL !

Image becomes really important, when its all you have to get ahead.

My mom however never mentioned some other life saving tips, that I have needed to find out on my own. Like how attention from a man feels great, but it could endanger your relationship. So how do you let a guy down, when his great and you enjoy being in his company - but its dodgy, because of how partner might feel about it.

So last night, while feeling vulnerable about my husband attending his staff party - wouldn't you believe that I get a "LinkedIn" invitation from that guy who was here a couple of weeks ago? We got on really well. While I didn't find him physically attrative, his interest me felt amazing. But like a good girl, I declined his invitation to dinner. I "lost" his card and ignored his invite to search for each other on LinkedIn - but hells bells, in my inbox currently sits an invite to be connected.

Now I could be misreading him and maybe his simply a nice guy, but I can't afford to take that chance. Feeling rather pleased with his interest (enough to actually look for me, after silence on my end), for a second I was tempted to not tell my husband and just accept the guy as a connection. Fortunately, sanity reigned and I realised three NB things

1) If I am to hold my husband accountable with intergrity, I need to disclose what is happening and what I am going to do about it. Not only do I expect full disclosure from my husband as well and therefore should role-model it- but without this, I lose my moral standing and thats all I got right now. Plus, if things go sour, I want to be able to look my husband in the face and say - this is what I contended with, these are choices I had made to protect our marriage. Pack up your shit and go...maybe I will even have the tune "R.E.S.P.E.C.T" playing in the background...

2) When you are feeling low and vulnerable, the devil attacks. Sitting there, feeling sorry for myself - I get an invite from some guy, who potentially could wreck the fragile beginnings again of our marriage.Unbelievable...

3) Lastly, wow do you politely tell someone who may or may not be interested in you, that you are not interested? I was brought up having to kiss uncles and aunties even though I felt uncomfortable, because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I was taught to politely nod and smile, when even the most asinine opinion was offered by someone else. We must strive to not hurt other peoples feelings. We want everyone to like us. Smile, laugh, flirt a little and be soft and understanding in all communication, lest you seem agressive and unladylilke... We simply do not do outright rejection. So now, as a grown ass woman, I feel uncomfortable "rejecting" a perfectly nice person -who I was friendly towards (I had to as part of relationship building for my company) and maybe took it the wrong way...

I wonder what my mother would say...

But for now I think I will just politely delete his invitation and hopefully we never run into each other again...

Tired...

Right now, at this minute, his at his staff party...I wonder what his doing...who his talking to... I am going home  to look after my son now (sigh). Will he come home with lipstick stain on his cheek? Will he be evasive or unnaturally clingy...I long for the time where he simply liked me and I liked him. No drama, no questions - just being...

Supersize

I have picked up weight. Two months ago I got super sick. I think my body finally caved in, from the stress of my husbands infidelity, being made redundant and my sister telling me that her husband hits her. I have had a shit year.

So there I was struggling to even breathe. Exhausted but unable to sleep. Sick and tired of me and my life, feeling guilty that I used to weep in front of my baby, when daddy wasn't around. It all got to much. So ja, my body took matters into its own hands and shut down. I was sick, so I stopped exercising to my body a chance to regroup, but days turned weeks and weeks have turned into months and I started eating everything in sight... and I have picked up 4kgs.

I haven't weighed myself in a while, afraid that the heaviness I feel is real. But this morning, was the day and yep, 4 kgs heavier. I am disspointed in myself that I haven't tried harder, but today I will start again.

I want to feel and look good. I am tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I am tired of sitting next to my skinny friends and trying to hide behind them in photographs. Soooo, next step- discovering healthy winter meals.

Thursday is his first staff party...mmmm by now I would be bouncing off the walls. Surprisingly after the first onslought of stressdom, I am not doing to badly. Maybe I have moved forward after all...

#9 things I can't out loud

My mother was recently made redundant. One day I was on leave and we decided to have do lunch together. So we go to some swish building to buy furniture while on our lunching mission. There was this man...he joked that he visits my mom while my dad was away wink wink...chit chat chit chat ....she makes some weird remark about skinny dipping. He says he would like to see that...

The other day, the furniture she ordered was delivered and when I asked where the her old stuff went she said that she gave it to her sister to give away to a church...did I mention that the guy was on a church board?

I don't believe her. I think he paid a visit. I think she lied to me...the question is why? Is she cheating on my dad, while he works in another city :-(

After work drinks --- are you f*cking kidding me.

Glowing in the new found serenity within my marriage, a turd of note hit me. You see my husband started a new job yesterday. I had placed a lot of pressure on him to get a new job because:

a) he works with young hot women = waaay to much easily available temptation
b) we need the bucks now that we have a baby to look after

So off he went and got a job. In our over dinner chit chat, he casually tells me that at the his new place of employment, they have monthly after work staff parties. From what I gather, alcohol is freely available.

                                                                   M*THER F*CKER

Can you believe it!!!

I am trying to hang onto the serenity, but its slipping through my fingers like sand. My husband going to monthly staff parties, is not within my game plan for our marriage. The last time he went to a staff get together, he stayed behind "chatting" to a colleague, in the dark, well after everyone went home. Staff parties are out- but on the other hand...he needs to learn to deal with inviting situations. I want scream at him...I want him to have a boring job and work with only straight males. I feel as though danger is lurking everywhere and I am scared that he will make the wrong choices.

Can I ban my husband from attending working functions?....should I? I want to, but it doesn't solve the problem. To make matters worse - the object of my obsession, his laptop had to be returned to his previous employer. No more manic "searches" through his folders, in which I was utterly convinced he was hiding something - its gone and I feel the loss keenly.

So to recap , his laptop is no longer accessible and he is starting a new job where staff parties are regular and lots of young flesh will be on show and inhibitions will be lost. stress Stress STRESS!!!

Why does this happen everything time I think we have made in roads?? Somethings comes up and sweeps it aside. 1 step forward, 2 steps back and its driving me crazy.

I don't know what I am going to tell him about the staff party thing. I think that if partners are not invited to an after work function, that you shouldn't go. Those things are breeding grounds for affairs and flirting... I feel like the hulk and all I want to do is SMASH!!!

Either shit or get off the pot...

Forever burned in my memory, is the morning before the beginning of the end. It was cold and rainy outside, my husband and I cuddled under warm blankets. I remember how his arm rested across my pregnant belly...how he kissed me softly. I remember feeling content and that if I could just stay this way forever, I would be happy. It was a moment of pure crystalised happiness - 24 hours later he would call my cellphone and I would dismiss him, because I was to busy to talk to him, 25 hours later he would befriend a work colleague on facebook and a week later, I would be crying and he would be begging to stay - 2 months later he would be living with his dad...a year later, my son is in my arms, my husband is back in our bed and I am forever changed.

This weekend almost felt like it used to be. Rainy and miserable outside, we cuddled under blankets -  with our 9 month old son in between. My husband kissed me softly over our sons head and I thought about the stranger who came on to me, the women my husband betrayed me with...I thought about the man my husband used be and wondered if he could be that man again.

For the last year, I have qualified every and any statement about our future with "if we don't get divorced". Unwilling to committ to anything,beyond the next second or minute. I refused to committ to a future and more recently started using "divorce" as a blackmail weapon. If I was feeling particularly hurt or angry, I would bring up an amazing idea of what our future could hold i.e. more children or travel- I would lay it before him, painting a glorious picture of what our future could be like and then I would slide in the throw comment - "if we don't get divorced, that is"... I silently derived satisfaction from the swift look of sadness in his eyes. I would know that I really hit the mark, when he started cleaning the house (my husband has been trying to prove his worth, by doing everything in our home).

Bitter and mad at my husband, I stood in the pew of our church and tried to connect. There a particular sentence in one of the hymns that caught my eye - "He forgave, so that we can forgive"... I had thought I had forgiven, but had I really, when my jibes came out of a place of revenge instead of authentic sadness and anger? I felt convicted that I have deliberately stoked the flame of his shame for my own enjoyment. There is so much that I should be ashamed of and God has forgiven me - there is much that I wish I could take back, but I can't and in God I have found peace. Who am I, not to withold forgiveness? God has been so good to me...

All at once, I felt sooo tired. Tired of being hurt and tired of hurting. I have held onto my unforgiveness and used it as a shield to protect my broken heart...and to wound his. Standing there, I just knew that it was time...time to either committ or leave. Within my heart I knew what my choice was.

Certainty that accompanied my doubts about him, now accompanied the realisation that I would stay. Yes, I allowed him back home - but I had never allowed him back in my heart. So, I will stay and stop using him as a whipping post for my grief, because I enjoy watching him squirm. I will stop emotionally bullying him and instead I would try to be less defensive and less vicious. I will start calling him "love" again and perhaps I would permit myself to run my fingers through his hair, every now and then.

I told him, that instead of being a step away from getting divorced - we are now perhaps two or three steps away. He looked relieved... We have teetered on the brink for so long, that even having our feet planted on solid ground no matter how close to the edge is a big deal.

So heres' to trying again...

"The glory of this latter house shall be greater than of the former, saith the LORD of hosts: and in this place will I give peace."

Haggai 2 vs9