Remorse:
"a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs"
My husband doesn't really talk about his feelings. When DDay came about, it was a hard slog to even get him to a place where he would talk about the facts never mind his feelings.
Oh, he has cried - both crocodile and genuine tears. He has told me numerous times that he loves me and wants to continue with our marriage - but I have always struggled to believe that he feels remorse...that he genuinely regrets what has happended.
So his throwaway line this morning took me by surprise. We were listening to this christian music station and for some reason the topic of free- will came up. He normally doesn't talk about concepts in our faith, but this one seemed to really connect with him. My husband spoke passionately for about 5 minutes about how people can't just live their lives and then turn to God when the going gets tough and then he said: "Now just look at me...God gave me choices. He gave me two choices. I can either follow him or skpye and ruin the rest of my life".Maybe it was the use of the word "ruin"...maybe it was the bitter look on his face when he said it... In that moment his regret and anger directed at himself was papable. I think its the first time, I actually believe he has regretted what he has done.Maybe the difference is, is that he didn't say it during a fight in order to manipulate me - maybe the difference is that finally I am ready to hear it.
A lot can be forgiven if true remorse coupled with action is evident...
Change takes time and it sounds like you guys might be turning a corner. I sure hope so cause this is such a painful place to be in a marriage. Isn't it weird how you can forgive so much if they are truly sorry in every way? I never thought I could forgive a cheating spouse...but maybe i can.
ReplyDeleteI hope so too...
ReplyDeleteI agree re weiredness. I had thought in my youth, that if anyone dared to even consider cheating they could eat my dust - so it was very surprising, that when things unfolded I didn't leave immediately. There was a time, when I left for about two weeks - but it wasn't really leaving the marriage. I needed some time to myself and it actually during that time that my husbands activities came to light...
Sometimes I embarressed that I have stayed, because surely a stronger woman would have left. I am ashamed that when faced with the choice, I chose to stay instead of suscribing to my long held feminist beliefs. But then I look at my son and the man I have been with for about 10 years now and I think maybe I just grew up. We don't know who we really are until faced with hardship and forgivness of cheating spouse surely takes a warriors heart - bruised and scarred, but ready to march.
I think we can find our way to forgiveness, and you are so right about needing to know that the other person is genuinely sorry. I don't think forgivness is possible without it...
Oh for sure! If I would have been the friend giving advice it would have been "run away..run for this hills and never look back"
ReplyDeleteBut you're, right. When your faced with the complexities of actually breaking a family it's different. There should be no judgement whether we stay or go. And sometimes i feel the same way you do...seriously, what kind of woman stays in a marriage where there was so much betrayal.
I hope for a little more depth in my life and if we're lucky and can work it out, more depth in our marriage.
Have a good weekend Xena!