When science and faith collide..

I am waiting for the familiar ache in my chest, that confirms that what I am hearing is a lie. It has never failed me once I knew my husband was a bit of a slut...I listened to him tell me time and time again, that the lie detector test wasn't truthful. That the machine in a sense lied. For me, there was no accompanying feeling that he was lying once again. But I also don't believe that somehow the machine was faulty.

I think the machine picked up his responses to questions pretty accurately. I felt comfortable with the polygraphist, who actually took the time to walk me through my husbands charts afterwards and yet...I actually dont think I believe the result. My husband has done his utmost in the past year, to show that he has changed his ways.But then again, my husband has shown me in no uncertain terms that he is quite the skilled orator when required.So, faced with my seemingly looming divorce, not believing the polygraph but loathe to believe that my husband has somehow fooled me once again - I decided to give him the best opportunity I can afford him, to make his case. The problem is, is that my husbands word is shot to hell - so with the dedication and clear headedness that has been reserved to tracking down his infidelities over the last four years, I took that skill and began to research lie detector tests and gathering evidence, deciding to let it speak for itself. Standing at the biggest fork of our lives...I had to make sure that what I decided was a weighted decision, but at a loss for how to do that since I struggle to trust myself and I can't believe him. So I researched...

In summary: I found the that main value of the polygraph, is that it forces confessions. So the test itself does not hold value, but instead it brings about an environment where confessions are more likely. I researched into its validity in the courtroom and I found that when the polygraph is used, it has to be coupled with evidence. It can not stand on its own, because its not strong enough on its own. So I sat there and thought about what this meant for me. So, the polygraph can only be validated by confession or evidence. Since there was no confession, I must gather unarguable evidence that would either support or dispute the results. Dispute the results, we stay married. Support and my husband can kiss my ass goodbye.

Next step - where to gather evidence? I had exhausted all avenues except one...I did what I told myself I would never do...I got in touch with the other woman.

Since she now lives in Germany, I facebooked her. Told her that we were sorting some stuff out to be a stronger couple and that I was concerned that my husband wasn't being truthful. That I am willing to forgive anything, but we need to be honest about whats happened and that I was concerned that he was not being truthful out of fear. The whole message to her, what set up to reflect that she would be the hero of the hour if she could honest with me. Within 24hrs she responded. In detail she explained to me what had happended between her and my husband. Not pretty, but sex didn't feature. I think what made me believe her, was that she actually mentions that my husband told her, that he was developing a crush on her and how she had attempted to rekindle the relationship after the first "breakup"...two truths so awkward to share, but she did it. So I believe her, more than I believe my husband...

Okay, next step - why would my husband organise a polygraph - pay a buckload of money for it when he knew he was lying. I don't put anything past my husband anymore, so its quite possible to me - that he did it, to force a confrontation and make me choose and voila, here we are. And then I remembered that on our way to the test, he mentioned that he had planned a surprise for me...

The following day, I asked him what was the plan, if he had passed. He said he had made a booking at a restaurant that we have been wanting to spoil ourselves with. I let it be...I called the restaurant yesterday to confirm whether my husband had made a booking. My rationale being, that maybe he was crazy enough to book a test and hope that it was enough for me to believe him (hahaha), but he wouldn't go through the trouble of booking us a table, if he genuinely didn't believe that he would pass. Its such a minor detail, in the bigger scheme of things, that it wouldn't have occured to him to do that. So I listened over the phone, as tthe sniffing maitre d told me...that he had indeed booked and had missed it...

So where does this leave me. In theory, I believe now that he didn't have sex with that woman...I believe he thought he would pass - which means he must have tried to be faithful...

But the truth is, is that it doesn't prove much, but casts enough doubt in the test for me to stay.

This will be the last time I use a polygraph, as this round has freed me from believing in its unassailability. BUT It has served its purpose and I am in a much better position in my marriage for it...

So where to from here? I am staying because I feel, that his not lying - even though I struggle to trust the feeling. I can't explain the polygraph...but it doesn't reflect my experience of my husband over the last year. I choose to believe my husband. If he had passed the test, I probably would be forever dependent on it, to believe him about anything. In a way its forced perhaps a truer starting of our journey to recovery and for me to start believing in my God given intuition once again.