Spring cleaning in mid winter

His moved to the 2nd room - it was sad, but with each day passing I am even more convinced that it was the right thing to do.Right now, I don't miss him sleeping next to me as much as I thought I would...we still need to have our contract review - but I keep putting it off because I am enjoying the peace...

In this quiet time, its given me time to think and I am doing what I always do when stressed and overworked - I organise. So I am finding things, long forgotten and bittersweet.

Today I found sketches of my wedding dress - duchess, silk...blue bordered...honeymoon packing lists...shampoo, toothpaste...clothes. Possible budgets and what it would get us... I ran my hand over each aging page and remembered how happy I was at that moment - the future was before me, sunny and bright. I tore it all up and threw it the bin...it was time to let go.

I found the compulsive copy and paste documents, detailing my husbands threads of conversation with his other woman...I hesitated for a second and deleted it from my pc. I am tired and keeping it only serves as a reminder of what my husband has done...like I need to be reminded of that... its time to let go...

Focus on the family is coming to South Africa- I have asked him if he would like to go and if so...he can book the tickets - we'll see what happens.
  
I bought this kitch poster and placed in a place of pride in my living room to help me remember when days are tough, the kind of home we are working towards:
                       

                      
                                        


Its time to let go, the wind whispers...I think I just might. One step at a time...

Hit the road jack

Its done. The damage had been done regardless of whether or not he had told me about the skype thing last year. The only thing that would have saved the situation is if he magically pulled an email out of his ass, dated 2011 and telling me that deleting skype accounts isn't possible.

For the last week now, physically I have been crumbling. I feel exhausted - as if I could crawl under a blanket and just sleep. My chest pains are getting worse with every passing thought about how this happened and when he couldn't find any evidence to suggest that he told me about skype - it magnified like a vice around me. But I am over it...my memory sucks - but on second thought, I am pretty sure I would remember this.

I told him that I loved him very much and that I know he loves me and our family - but I need space. He will never know the toll this has taken on me and how deeply saddened I am by not just the skype thing, but the core of the issue. Which is that I believe that he hasn't fully committed to living up to his promises he made to me last year. I told him that it was a mistake that we didn't write our contract down and that it wasn't fair to either one of us. He doesn't have a leg to stand on, if I insist he promised something - I don't have a place to go, if he thinks I am making up rules as we go along. So this time we will do it right. We will talk about what hasn't worked and what has - what has been unrealistic and what should be put in place to help us both.

I told him that, its a time for stock taking and if we do this right, our relationship will come out stronger for it. I don't know if he believed me...I think his scared that this is the first step towards serious seperation.

Before I asked him to move out - it stressed me out hectically. I was dreading it, because I wasn't sure if I had important enough grounds and because I would miss him. I love him so much and just the thought of not sleeping beside him makes me sad. But I have learnt the hard way that he uses my love against me... So despite my heartache, when he asked me what am I going to do - I looked him straight in the eye and told him that he needed to move. Immediately, I started feeling a lot better. My chest pain diminished and that feeling of exhaustion lifted a little bit and I knew that it was the right choice. Maybe I had been confusing being supportive with being a victim.

He cried a little bit...and I felt crappy for him. I am pretty sure this isn't where he wanted to end up and from a different angle - this is going be a serious challenge for him, if he in fact as been clean for the last year and now he feels that his being "punished" for nothing. He could decide that its not worth the effort, to stay sober...but thats not my problem.

So we need to get a heater for that room and some decent warm blankets, because I don't want to feel guilty about relegating him there in mid winter.

I think good things will come out of this. My heart is not to needlessly punish him or be gratuitous about the time we spend apart - when its time to be together again I hope I will see it and niether rush it or prolong it. 

So off to my make up for the looong day ahead :-) Glad its done, so I can be awesome in all my working mom glory without stressing.

 Saturday is going to suck though- but something to think about on another day...

Skype accounts and privacy options

So apparently Mr Man this morning has already started addressing some of my "concerns". And this is what he has found out- that you can't delete skype accounts - can you freakin well believe it!! Check out this link:

Can I delete my skype account

Can I delete my skype account

This is massive pain in my backside along with the privacy tab! Who the fuck invented that shit, so that you can't disable it.

So this is the thing...there is a good chance that if there is no way to delete it, he probably told me last year and I have forgotten. We went through a whole thing, where he deleted all the accounts he could remember - emails and facebook. I gave myself a little crash course on IT stuff and started speaking the language with my network adminstrator husband and I also started looking for cookies and I found out a couple of things, my husband wished I hadn't...but skype cookies wasn't one of them. There were somethings that I found out couldn't be deleted- like the damn  privacy tab. Was skype accounts one of them? On the best of days, my memory sucks. Did we arrive at the same place last year as we did today? Did he attempt to delete his accounts, but found that it wasn't possible? For the life of me, I can't remember...maybe I should go for hyonosis to try and recall LOL  side note:I wonder if he ever thought about how much infidelity would cost us financially in the long run...

Regardless though, we obviously still have a major problem on our hands because his done stuff this year that has made me feel uneasy and that I am not happy with and so we need to re-establish boundaries. I have tried to tell myself that he needs to learn to self-manage because I can't keep watching him, but it hasn't made it any easier for me to deal with it and ultimately if I am not happy than I can't survive in our marriage despite whether he thinks I am being unreasonable in my demands.

So ja..lets see what happens next.

Contract Killer

Okay - so I am feeling slightly calmer today.

Surprisingly, my husband approached me last night and spoke about what he thinks should happen. I know its a small victory but considering that last year it took us about 4 months to get to a place where he started activily contributed towards recovery plans, I am grateful.

So in a nutshell this is what he said:

a) In a sodom and gomorrah like move, he said that last year he didn't want to go back to some of the sites and platforms he was on. He just wanted to get away from it all and never look back.

b) He admitted that he had accounts with so many sites and used so many different names, that he doesn't remember them all, which apparently included numerous skype accounts.

c) He admitted that he knew we  had a contract last year about whats okay and not okay, but he doesn't remember some of it. He would like us to revisit it and flesh things out and work out an action plan.

I don't know hey. I believe him about the numerous accounts thing, although once again it saddens me. The just up and leaving some accounts ...I can understand that, since he got into some crazy stuff. But the contract thing kills me - I think he knew it would upset me, if I knew that he didn't remember some of the promises he made and thats why he could't/wouldn't confess to it before hand. He can't keep his promises because he doesn't remember some of them.

I feel disrespected and unheard. As if my pain last year didn't leave enough of a lasting scalding on his memory. On a more tangible side though - I should have written down the contract and made him sign it. At the time I thought the conversation would be enough, but that was a mistake. This time round, we write it down and sign it. This way I don't make up rules as I go along and he has something visual to go on...

I asked him if he would be willing to do hynosis - he said yes. I looked into the hypnotherapy thing and apparently  you don't have to reveal anything you don't want to reveal - thats not what I wanted to hear. So hynotherapy isn't going to work out for us. So I am back at sqaure 1 where I only have my intuition to go on. Maybe thats how it should be, but I desperately would have loved something more concrete to go on.

So hypnosis is out and we have a legitimate way forward. So I have been mulling over the 2nd bedroom thing - I struggle to do this, because I am concerned that once I move him out, I will end up divorcing him. But a part of me recognises the truth that there must be consequences, regardless of what he says. If anything it will serve to underline the importance of our new contract. So a short stint in the 2nd bedroom seems to be in order.

I think I will tell him over him over the weekend - I can't deal with the drama while I am facing meetings and press this week :-(

It was naive of me to think that all the hardwork could be done in a year and the rest would be just plain sailing while we kept an eye on things. I was hoping that we wouldn't have to revisit this crap - but I should have known better. After all the stories and journeys I have read, there is a common theme of having to revisit things and false starts when the couple wants to remain married and is trying to work it out. Maybe this time next year, it will be better...if we manage to last until then.

Squander - Skunk Anansie

Why take everything you see?
You'll have nothing left to squander
If you keep pushing me away
You'll have no one left to love

You throw it all away
Those ties you went and suffered for
you cause disaster
and flounder flounder flounder flounder

Why take everything you see?
You'll have nothing left to squander
If you keep pushing me away
You'll have no one left to love

You're less than you should be
why run so hard to finish last
you cause contendement
and I wonder wonder wonder wonder

Why take everything you see?
You'll have nothing left to squander
If you keep pushing me away
You'll have no one left to looooove looooove
Why squander squander squander squander

Why take everything you see?
You'll have nothing left to squander
If you keep pushing me away
You'll have no one left to love

The impact of infidelity on your career

I am ambitious. I always have been and always will be. I was raised to prize excellence. I am a hard worker...perhaps to hard as my husband as often called me a workoholic. But he never understood the joy that comes from a job well done.

So when I first found out that he was cheating on me, my work ethic was shot to hell. Unable to focus on anything but his infidelity - deadlines went passed unheeded. In meetings I spaced out, unable to keep to stop myself from thinking about whats going to happen or what he was doing at that exact moment. It took me about 5 months to get to a place of almost functioning the way I used to - and now I am thinking about my future.

I always knew I would be a life long learner. I love studying and learning new things - I find meaning in gathering knowledge and implementing it - so now at the point in my life, I am trying to position myself to do whatever I want to do for the next 20 odd years ( I am a bit of a planner:-))...

The thing is though- instead of thinking of what I would love to do...what would bring me happiness, I now think about what I need to do in order to have the best shot at bringing money in, as a single mom.  I would love to be an historian - there are gaps in south african history around coloured culture and for too long we have ingnored it in favour of white or black culture. I would like to part of the movement that brings about coloured pride - this however seems like a pipe dream right now. Nobody wants to pay consistently for this sort of thing - I would need to have a reliable partner to pull it off. A reliable partner that I don't have.

So I find myself, looking at options at how to study more indepth in the field that I am currently in. Maybe I should do my masters in adult education? I can do it and I do it well, virtually all my work experience is in this field and it would be the natural next step...but I long for unchartered territories...perhaps the closet I will ever get is the discovery history channel.

His taken more from me than he probably realises.  His taken away my freedom to choose to something bold and new. I could never risk losing the roof over our heads for a new adventure - my sense of responsibility is to deeply ingrained.

It makes me wonder how many women have compromised their dreams because their partners have let them down? How many women chose to stay in marriages, because on their own - they can't provide a standard of living that they want for their children.

Why couldn't he have loved me more?

Two skype accounts

I have never been much of a game player when it comes to relationships. I am more of a "wearing your heart on your sleeve" kind of girl. I can't help but be transparent...its to hard for me to keep up a lie.
So yesterday, when I discovered that my husband has another active skype account that weird pain in my chest started up again, but I didn't cry. I am tired of crying...

So I came up with this elabourate plan on how I was going to catch him out, but this morning in the car - cool as can be putting on my make up- I asked him. I notice you have two skype accounts - what would do expect me to do this with this? I didn't shed a tear...I didn't raise my voice. Mascara wand in hand, carefully inking my lashes...I waited for his answer and my heart sunk as I heard the hesitation in his response. I wondered if my marriage had finally run its course.

At first he didn't remember a thing..then he mentioned that maybe it was the account with his name on it. I just looked at him. He said that maybe it was an account he had to opened for his old job...I didn't answer. I asked him again, why do you have two skype accounts. And then he said the words that seems to be one of the porn addicts catch phrases...oh I forgot about that one. I didn't realise I still had it. I remember him telling me at the time he needed to open up a skype account at his boss's request...what I don't understand is that why is it still active? Did he really have so many accounts, that he has no idea of what his deleted and what his kept?

Do I believe him? No...

How does a recovering porn addict forget one of his online chat accounts? I am so tired of being disappointed in him. Why can't he just do what he says his going to do? Why does everything have to be such an uphill battle?

I then asked him, how much time does he want before he gets back to me, about what we are going to do about whats happended. He said he doesn't know what I am expecting him to say...I said...I will give you till Thursday.

Guys, I am tired. I am tired of feeling foolish even if this second account is an unfortunate left over from the past. I don't know what he has to say in order for me, not to move him to our second room. Its all just to much for me...I am exhausted with uncertainty and I am tired of the games we play.

The thought has crossed my mind as whether he is a porn addict or whether his just a narcisstic pathological liar. I don't know which one is worse...but maybe if he was just a plain ol liar it would be easier for me to let go. With an addict you hold out that with work recovery everything will turn out fine. With a liar, there is no chance of that.

So we will see how the week unfolds. I wonder if his just not going to say anything. Thats how he usually reacts. His uses silence as a defence and waits for me to make all the moves. Well if he does that again, his not going to like the consequences.

"A glooming peace this morning with it brings. The sun for sorrow will not show his head. Go hence and have more talk of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned, and some punished. For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo" 

 

He lied about his staff party

Today is a hard day. Its my husbands first fathers day and he has gone off to visit his dad, with our son. I am losing it a little bit. The problem is, is that his way to happy. You know, like uncharacteristically(?) over the top happy. My first thought is, what the hell are you so happy about and the next is...what has he been up to that his so happy. His been this way for about a week now...

I don't want him to be happy. I want him to be miserable and forever angry about what his done. He has no right to be happy.

Maybe the problem is that it reminds me of how he used to be. He was an amazing partner is every way except the bedroom. Ever so helpful and with a spring his step...his been like that lately and I can't stand it.

I did what I never thought I would do...I looked up a local hypnotist in the area. I sent them an email asking how much it would be...I am so desperate for a concrete answer. I mean, he can't lie then right? The words will literally come out of his own mouth.  I am genuinely struggling with the whole just seeing how things go approach...If we get divorced, I am afraid that it won't be because he cheated. It will because I am no longer sure of him. I don't know if I can live with the uncertainty.

Is this how it will always be? He smiles and I am suspicious? He laughs a little to readily and I immediately search his laptop for tell tale signs. Its driving me crazy...in my head I have a list of things he has done wrong in the last 6 months and its piling up and up and up. I keep thinking, I can't take responsibility for him. I can't monitor his every move and facial expression - I need to let go and let God - but every time he does something wrong, my chest tightens and I get a weird sharp pain in my right breastbone...I have been carrying around this list of everything he has done that has offended me and has broken our agreement we made last year and I need to download, so here it is in no particular order:

1.He has two Skype accounts. Why does anyone need two? In one of them I noticed that under contact info the email address is an old one, that he used to have all his porn notifications sent to. WTF is that?

2.Lied about his whereabouts - He lied about his staff party. He forgot he told me, that he had told me that this would happen monthly. One day I get a phone call and he says he has to stay late for a work presentation. I was pissed - I didn't believe him, but hey it could be true right. So he comes home late and he says that he needs to tell me something...that he was at his staff party and didn't want to upset me by telling me about it. As part of the staff party, there apparently was a real work presentation. He told me that he hadn't planned on telling me about the staff party because it would stress me out - but it then was expected of him to stay late and it couldn't be avoided...my reaction was less than ladylike.

3. He continues to have multiple harddrives

4. He continues to have multiple email addresses -3 different email addresses that I know of.

5.He continues  to bring his laptop home with him even though we now have a personal pc at home.

Of course there he has given a reason for all it, but deep down inside I think its all bullshit. I don't believe him. That's why I pushed hard for the lie detector test and when that went bust - I was left speechless.

On the other side of things:

1.Our sex life is which was close to dead as could be, has drastically improved. Which technically should mean, that his porn habits has taken a back seat right?We have intimacy issues and having a baby has made it even harder...but we can work on that.
2.He initiated counselling
3.He very happily went on a marriage course I found and has answered all the same questions over and over again.
4.I know he lied about the staff party, but he didn't need to tell me that he did.
5.I have 3 email addresses - 1 work, 1 current, 1 old (it has my maiden name on it and I don't want to give it up in case we get divorced)... I thought that maybe we could get a family email account, but I thinking that thats to drastic. We are both individuals with separate identities...also the emails I send to my BFF is less than flattering about him and I would need to give that up.

6. The relationship feels better now than its been over the last couple of years.

I find myself thinking, so what if his having the odd sex chat online- as long as it doesn't negatively impact on our relationship and I never find out about it...it will be okay.

Sometimes I wonder if we should just get divorced, so it no longer becomes my problem what he does. The peace that can be found in something like that, gets more and more attractive each passing day.

I wonder if its all a big show and once again I am playing the starring role of the fool...I am so desperate to believe that we could be a happy well adjusted family. But perhaps I am to desperate?

Today is a hard day...

#11 things I can't say out loud

Every now and then, I look on in self-righteous indignation at whats happended to me. Me...the counsellor and community worker. Me, the woman who has worked through the night over and over again to contribute towards the betterment of my community. Me, the social activist and mentor. Me, who sacrificed half her life to the ministery. Me, who has worked hard, studied hard, tries her best to be an engaged daughter, loving wife and optismistic friend. Me...

I know I am supposed to be graceful about it because it can happen to anyone...but why Me? Surely my goodness should shield me from some of life's miseries...but then again surely mercy and goodness will follow me all my days.

Sigh...if only good deeds bought me ticket to a life less traumatic. My life would be a balmy afternoon on the beach :-)

Healthy Secrets

I am turning 30 on the 3rd of August!!! Yeah baby :-) I am feeling like I am really coming into my own and I have decided that despite everything that has happened, my 30th will mark a turning point for me. Its happening already- I can feel it vibrate beneath my skin. I am old enough now to know that fairytales are just that and that as much as I have wanted my partner for last 10 years to be that prince charming - it aint gonna happen. I will save myself.

You want some of this!!!

So two things are going to happen. First I decided to buy myself an awesome tanzanite ring as a gift to myself. It will be expensive and I will love it without feeling guilty about the expense. He wanted to buy it for me, but I made it clear this was one gift I am giving myself. To remind me that faith, love and hope in myself, my family and God is important and my happiness does not depend on him. That I have control of my own choices and I will always have right to choose my destiny.

Secondly - when he asked me what I wanted, I told him to throw me a birthday party. And not just any ol birthday party...I want something close to the one I threw for him and in front of all his friends carried on and on about how fantastic he was...bastard. Anyways, so the stage is set and its going to be a surprise. All I know is that my one and only sister is coming down from Johannesburg and thats going to be a gift in itself. The problem is, is that because his planning a surprise...his keeping secrets. I can feel it and it makes me anxious. He has asked me not to check his emails and I am pretty sure he wiped the history off our computer at home. What if his using the opportunity to do "other" things. His keeping things from me, but what is it?? Is it nice things or is it a pile of shit like before?

I love surprises. Well good ones, that is... I don't want to have a marriage where my husband has to check in with me on everything he does. I want him to surprise me...to keep healthy secrets for joy and happiness. So I am trying to bite my tongue and when he looks far to happy, I will attempt not to think about what the heck he has gotten up to that makes him so damn happy. It will be hard...I have already checked his skype account history...nothing. But what does that mean- this man has tons of different accounts and alias's.

Ag, I am going to drive myself crazeeee. Well whatever is happening will obviously end after my birthday - if my skin is still crawling afterwards, we'll see what happens... I guess this is just one of the casualties of his infidelity - my willingness to trust that he only wants the best for me...

So ja, we shall see how things unfold. In the meantime I am planning my sons first birthday party WOOOHOOO!!! I think I am going to hold a "tea" for the nearest and dearest. The house is in a bit of a state ( we got it at a good price, because lots of work needed to be done...which we of course then didn't do LOL) Anways, so the in-laws and my family will be invited and its going to be interesting. Two different cultures and race groups, who have problems with each other... ( I am mixed race and my husband is portuguese) but they all better blooming well behave themselves for my baba, or mama is not going to take it kindly...Mmmm what would be good winter Tea eats?

The ministers daughter

My earliest memories are of the church. Nights and mornings - week days and weekends - our life was the church. My grandparents were ministers and we are a ministering family. Often my grandmother would talk about how her father would walk the streets with an accordian calling people to church on a Sunday morning. We are church folk...its in our blood.

And just as we are of the church - we are also broken. I wish that someone had told me thats its possible to be both, instead of feeling like a failure when my brokeness and my faith conflicted with one another. This weekend was a reminder of our families brokeness and our anointedness...

I watched as my mom took to the stage. My mom - who in her old age has grown bitter about the harsh hand life has dealt her...my mom the flirt and rage-o-holic...she stood and opended her mouth and I felt Gods presence in my heart.  She sang and sang and my spirit stilled within me and I was blessed.

There are many who are capable, but there are very few who are called to minister. My mother is one of the called. I sat there and I was reminded that God does not call on us because of who we are...He calls on us, despite of who we are. Broken and imperfect, in Him we are made vessels and testiment to His grace and mercy.

I listened as the ocherstra and choir swelled up in chorus behind her and I thought, how is it that God picked such a woman to bless thousands of people? They don't know her like I know her. They don't know how we suffered at her hand and her sharp tongue when we grew up. They have no idea of the fear her impatience inspired...oh, but now when she sings, its connects you to something other than yourself. How is it that God chose her to bring forth his message to millions? Maybe it was because of her brokeness and her own sexual and physical abuse that has paved the way for her to truly reflect the human heart. We feel ugly and unworthy, but like David a man who fell time and time again - we still can rise up and sing and dance to glory of God...our worship and praise sincere and honest because we have been in the valley of death and have been lost in the darkness - we truly understand the misery of pain and therefore we now understand His comfort and love.

God sees us for more than our mistakes and the terrible things that have been done to us and what we have done to each other. In us He sees His image and we are made perfect by His blood.

It is comforting to know God loves me enough for the both us and even when my brokeness gets in the way, His faith in me never wanes.

I am reminded that its okay to be broken...its only in Christ that I am made whole. My past does not define me - it's part of my testimony. I don't know why certain things have happended in my life - but its okay, because God will always be with me.

Hot Sex

I want us to have raging wildfire sex life. We had one, when we started out. Each touch sizzled and every kiss tasted like more.

We were adventerous, but nothing like the stuff I now suspect my husband would have preferred. We got engaged and everything pretty much went to shit right after...as time went on our sex life dwindled. It happended less and less. The positions grew monotinous and after a time, I actually told by best friend that I felt like a cum receptacle. I know it sounds gross, but he didn't even look me in the eyes anymore. On average I would give him 2 minutes if not less, before he "finished" - which by the way I never have been able to do...

I tried to do the whole pretty underwear thing and some couple games we could play in the bedroom. All he would do is blush and say his not into into anything kinky...that he likes how things are (what a pile of shit...) anyways, I felt like such a slut for wanting to amp things up a bit. I started thinking that maybe I just had an abnormal sex drive and everything he brought into our marriage, more than made up for his lack of interest in the bedroom. Resigned to 1.5 minute sessions for the rest of my life, I bought more and more Mills and Boons books - getting porn high off the raunchy sessions I read. Mills and Boon was my sex life.

Now here we are. We have both developed unhealthy atttitudes and ways of engaging with sex. I know what I want ( a solid, loving marriage where we don't screw other people) and a part of that is to resurrect our sex life. How do you have sex with someone, who for years preferred having it with someone else. I don't know :-( But what I do know, is that sex has brought us closer since D Day. A session with my now attentive husband stills the anxiety for a little bit. But I want to try and do exciting stuff - partly to show him that excitment can be found in our bedroom if he gave it a chance and that I am pretty much up for anything and I won't judge him for wanting to try out "interesting" things. I just want to be the only one he tries them with...

So despite the pit that I am in, in my steadier moments I think of what I can do. So today, I decided that I am going to book us a hotel room for his lunch hour and surprise him with some lunch time nooky. I am trying my best to not think about the all the hotel rooms and lunch nookies he has had in the past - this one time will be our first time and it will be awesome. I am little worried that it might trigger something for him...I am even more concerned that he will decide to start up again after expieriencing it again...but there is no other way around it. In order for us to be more adventerous, we need to start exploring stuff together. I am not ready for roleplays yet. As a matter fact, I can't think of anything worse. But I love dress ups and there is nothing quite like seeing your husband in uniform.

What I still don't get is, is that I wanted to do so much together and he always turned me down. I am a bit of an exhibitionist and enjoy making love outside - the look of shock on his face was indescribable...of course the joke was on me in the end - but why did he pretend to be so shy and shocked when the videos and online conversations he had regularly was so much more dirtier that I could ever hope to be? Why the act? Why not rejoice in the fact that your wife would love to be a naughty minx with her husband...his such asshole.

Anyways, so I would like to start warming up the sheets again. I want us to have fun together. We need to start slowly, because I tend to freak out if I think his doing anything porn related - which would be hard to avoid in sex LOL

So ja, thats the plan - if we fail, I don't see how his recovery will ever be possible. The natural pull towards fulfilling sex is to strong. In this arena particularly, we must overcome and excel...

We need to get back to the place, where making love with your partner is not a chore - its your first choice.

What if it doesn't make you stronger?

When my son was about 3 months old, he got very very ill. He was struggling to breathe and his tempreture would not cool down, regardless of what we did.We rushed to the emergency unit, only to be told that they don't deal with infants - we had to take him to a hospital about 10 minutes away.

I wrapped my baby up and bundled him close to my chest and rocked him as I checked to see if he was still breathing...

We got there at 1:30am and the childrens ward was dark, but the nurses were friendly. They took him out of my arms, while my husband sorted out our medical aid at the front desk. Without it, they wouldn't take us in...they spent the next hour giving him medication and placed a mask on his face to help him breathe. My little boy cried and cried and I sat there next to his hospital crib and tried to be strong for us all...he finally fell asleep and I was faced with The Chair.

Old and made of hard pleather, the nurse said that I could sit there as I watched over my son. The first night, I didn't sleep. Covered with a scratchy blanket, my eyes trained on him- every sound and movement elliciting immediate action from me - I kept on thinking if I looked away that he would die. The 2nd night, my bones ached and emotionally I was drained to my core. A pervasive sadness spread through me, from my toes to my eyes. My son is sick and I can't help him. I sat and sat in that damn chair, to scared to even go to the bathroom. I was tired and alone and in despair in the dim light of the hospital ward.

And thats how I feel now. After the adrenaline of his polygraph last week and choosing to believe him, my heart has returned to its familiar rythym. The fight or flight response is no longer needed and I am weary to my core. I am alone in that chair again, praying for help. I am sick and tired of my questions and doubts. It weighs on me and I fear that I may never be, who I once was. Confident, assured and happy.

The other day, we lay entwined under blankets and he smiled at me - eyes shining and soft. My husband...my traitor. For a moment I forgot all that he had done and all that I have vowed to do...here was the man I first met. A far cry from the man, who would huddle so close to the edge of the bed at night he nearly fell off or got up in the middle of night to watch porn. I relaxed my aching shoulders, willing myself to just relax in the moment - of course all that happended was prickling of tear at the corner of my eye.

I feel stuck in that chair and I don't know how to get out.

I wish healing happened in a straight line...this back and forth is just another unwelcome intrusion in the life I thought I had... what if this doesn't make me stronger? What if it just breaks me?...

#10 things I can't say out loud

Despite his efforts to try and show me his sorry - I don't know if I believe him and worse still, I think I love him more than he loves me. Its makes me feel pathetic and needy. The exact opposite of who I am and what I believe in...how is that a man has come to lay me so low?

I am living a life, that doesn't belong to me...