Hit the road jack

Its done. The damage had been done regardless of whether or not he had told me about the skype thing last year. The only thing that would have saved the situation is if he magically pulled an email out of his ass, dated 2011 and telling me that deleting skype accounts isn't possible.

For the last week now, physically I have been crumbling. I feel exhausted - as if I could crawl under a blanket and just sleep. My chest pains are getting worse with every passing thought about how this happened and when he couldn't find any evidence to suggest that he told me about skype - it magnified like a vice around me. But I am over it...my memory sucks - but on second thought, I am pretty sure I would remember this.

I told him that I loved him very much and that I know he loves me and our family - but I need space. He will never know the toll this has taken on me and how deeply saddened I am by not just the skype thing, but the core of the issue. Which is that I believe that he hasn't fully committed to living up to his promises he made to me last year. I told him that it was a mistake that we didn't write our contract down and that it wasn't fair to either one of us. He doesn't have a leg to stand on, if I insist he promised something - I don't have a place to go, if he thinks I am making up rules as we go along. So this time we will do it right. We will talk about what hasn't worked and what has - what has been unrealistic and what should be put in place to help us both.

I told him that, its a time for stock taking and if we do this right, our relationship will come out stronger for it. I don't know if he believed me...I think his scared that this is the first step towards serious seperation.

Before I asked him to move out - it stressed me out hectically. I was dreading it, because I wasn't sure if I had important enough grounds and because I would miss him. I love him so much and just the thought of not sleeping beside him makes me sad. But I have learnt the hard way that he uses my love against me... So despite my heartache, when he asked me what am I going to do - I looked him straight in the eye and told him that he needed to move. Immediately, I started feeling a lot better. My chest pain diminished and that feeling of exhaustion lifted a little bit and I knew that it was the right choice. Maybe I had been confusing being supportive with being a victim.

He cried a little bit...and I felt crappy for him. I am pretty sure this isn't where he wanted to end up and from a different angle - this is going be a serious challenge for him, if he in fact as been clean for the last year and now he feels that his being "punished" for nothing. He could decide that its not worth the effort, to stay sober...but thats not my problem.

So we need to get a heater for that room and some decent warm blankets, because I don't want to feel guilty about relegating him there in mid winter.

I think good things will come out of this. My heart is not to needlessly punish him or be gratuitous about the time we spend apart - when its time to be together again I hope I will see it and niether rush it or prolong it. 

So off to my make up for the looong day ahead :-) Glad its done, so I can be awesome in all my working mom glory without stressing.

 Saturday is going to suck though- but something to think about on another day...