Healthy Secrets

I am turning 30 on the 3rd of August!!! Yeah baby :-) I am feeling like I am really coming into my own and I have decided that despite everything that has happened, my 30th will mark a turning point for me. Its happening already- I can feel it vibrate beneath my skin. I am old enough now to know that fairytales are just that and that as much as I have wanted my partner for last 10 years to be that prince charming - it aint gonna happen. I will save myself.

You want some of this!!!

So two things are going to happen. First I decided to buy myself an awesome tanzanite ring as a gift to myself. It will be expensive and I will love it without feeling guilty about the expense. He wanted to buy it for me, but I made it clear this was one gift I am giving myself. To remind me that faith, love and hope in myself, my family and God is important and my happiness does not depend on him. That I have control of my own choices and I will always have right to choose my destiny.

Secondly - when he asked me what I wanted, I told him to throw me a birthday party. And not just any ol birthday party...I want something close to the one I threw for him and in front of all his friends carried on and on about how fantastic he was...bastard. Anyways, so the stage is set and its going to be a surprise. All I know is that my one and only sister is coming down from Johannesburg and thats going to be a gift in itself. The problem is, is that because his planning a surprise...his keeping secrets. I can feel it and it makes me anxious. He has asked me not to check his emails and I am pretty sure he wiped the history off our computer at home. What if his using the opportunity to do "other" things. His keeping things from me, but what is it?? Is it nice things or is it a pile of shit like before?

I love surprises. Well good ones, that is... I don't want to have a marriage where my husband has to check in with me on everything he does. I want him to surprise me...to keep healthy secrets for joy and happiness. So I am trying to bite my tongue and when he looks far to happy, I will attempt not to think about what the heck he has gotten up to that makes him so damn happy. It will be hard...I have already checked his skype account history...nothing. But what does that mean- this man has tons of different accounts and alias's.

Ag, I am going to drive myself crazeeee. Well whatever is happening will obviously end after my birthday - if my skin is still crawling afterwards, we'll see what happens... I guess this is just one of the casualties of his infidelity - my willingness to trust that he only wants the best for me...

So ja, we shall see how things unfold. In the meantime I am planning my sons first birthday party WOOOHOOO!!! I think I am going to hold a "tea" for the nearest and dearest. The house is in a bit of a state ( we got it at a good price, because lots of work needed to be done...which we of course then didn't do LOL) Anways, so the in-laws and my family will be invited and its going to be interesting. Two different cultures and race groups, who have problems with each other... ( I am mixed race and my husband is portuguese) but they all better blooming well behave themselves for my baba, or mama is not going to take it kindly...Mmmm what would be good winter Tea eats?