Surprisingly, my husband approached me last night and spoke about what he thinks should happen. I know its a small victory but considering that last year it took us about 4 months to get to a place where he started activily contributed towards recovery plans, I am grateful.
So in a nutshell this is what he said:
a) In a sodom and gomorrah like move, he said that last year he didn't want to go back to some of the sites and platforms he was on. He just wanted to get away from it all and never look back.
b) He admitted that he had accounts with so many sites and used so many different names, that he doesn't remember them all, which apparently included numerous skype accounts.
c) He admitted that he knew we had a contract last year about whats okay and not okay, but he doesn't remember some of it. He would like us to revisit it and flesh things out and work out an action plan.
I don't know hey. I believe him about the numerous accounts thing, although once again it saddens me. The just up and leaving some accounts ...I can understand that, since he got into some crazy stuff. But the contract thing kills me - I think he knew it would upset me, if I knew that he didn't remember some of the promises he made and thats why he could't/wouldn't confess to it before hand. He can't keep his promises because he doesn't remember some of them.
I feel disrespected and unheard. As if my pain last year didn't leave enough of a lasting scalding on his memory. On a more tangible side though - I should have written down the contract and made him sign it. At the time I thought the conversation would be enough, but that was a mistake. This time round, we write it down and sign it. This way I don't make up rules as I go along and he has something visual to go on...
I asked him if he would be willing to do hynosis - he said yes. I looked into the hypnotherapy thing and apparently you don't have to reveal anything you don't want to reveal - thats not what I wanted to hear. So hynotherapy isn't going to work out for us. So I am back at sqaure 1 where I only have my intuition to go on. Maybe thats how it should be, but I desperately would have loved something more concrete to go on.
So hypnosis is out and we have a legitimate way forward. So I have been mulling over the 2nd bedroom thing - I struggle to do this, because I am concerned that once I move him out, I will end up divorcing him. But a part of me recognises the truth that there must be consequences, regardless of what he says. If anything it will serve to underline the importance of our new contract. So a short stint in the 2nd bedroom seems to be in order.
I think I will tell him over him over the weekend - I can't deal with the drama while I am facing meetings and press this week :-(
It was naive of me to think that all the hardwork could be done in a year and the rest would be just plain sailing while we kept an eye on things. I was hoping that we wouldn't have to revisit this crap - but I should have known better. After all the stories and journeys I have read, there is a common theme of having to revisit things and false starts when the couple wants to remain married and is trying to work it out. Maybe this time next year, it will be better...if we manage to last until then.
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