Last night, a friend of my husbands came up to us to say hi. He asked my husband why he doesn't play soccer anymore and he responded saying that he has a baby to look after now. The friend turns to me and says, so how far along are you o_0
My baby is 5 months old, turning 6 on sat...
I am so fat:-(
Thursday 26 January 2012
Monday 23 January 2012
How to catch a cheat
Exasperated, my husband said he doesn't know how to show me his being faithful. This after once again, I compulsively asked him questions about what has gone on before. All I can do, he said, is keep on doing what I am doing and hopefully one day you will see that I'm not cheating anymore.
Well that would be great. Not to look at my husband and think about who has he attempted to screw that day. And to be honest I have no intention of spending my life with a man, where this is a distinct possibility. How can I be sure of his faithfulness? My plan is simple. I will give him a false sense of confidence till August, at that point I will be sending him for a lie detector test. There is no way I am spending my 30th birthday with a lying piece of shit.
I started yesterday. It was hard, but I managed. He wanted to go play cricket with some family members and two overseas students (girls) were scheduled to go along. They would be in their early twenties, bubbly and unchanged by life burdens. I didn't make a fuss - I wished him well and sent him off with a smile. When he came back, I didn't ask him any questions related to them. Let him think that I am over it...
And thats my plan. I will be doing my best not to bring up the past, I will not be exploring his laptop or googling his name every other day, to see if it will come up on some random chat group. Checking on him at every opportunity.
I plan on going to see my sister soon. She lives in another city. I would like to go away for maybe 1 or 2 nights. I am beginning to encourage my husband to leave our son, with my mom - because I am sure he will need a bit of a break. He said no, because of two things : with our son at home, he won't cheat and if he gives him to my mom - I won't believe that he didn't cheat. I am working on it though. Maybe I will spin it, that since I am going on a mini break, he should enjoy himself as well and just take some time off.
The bottom line is that if I want to see if he will cheat, I need to provide the opportunities. I can't keep him on a tight leash forever. I refuse to operate in fear for the rest of my life. So ja. I wish my husband good luck- he has his whole family to gain and only his sin to lose.
Starting weight: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 107.1kgs
Loss: 3.5ksg
Well that would be great. Not to look at my husband and think about who has he attempted to screw that day. And to be honest I have no intention of spending my life with a man, where this is a distinct possibility. How can I be sure of his faithfulness? My plan is simple. I will give him a false sense of confidence till August, at that point I will be sending him for a lie detector test. There is no way I am spending my 30th birthday with a lying piece of shit.
I started yesterday. It was hard, but I managed. He wanted to go play cricket with some family members and two overseas students (girls) were scheduled to go along. They would be in their early twenties, bubbly and unchanged by life burdens. I didn't make a fuss - I wished him well and sent him off with a smile. When he came back, I didn't ask him any questions related to them. Let him think that I am over it...
And thats my plan. I will be doing my best not to bring up the past, I will not be exploring his laptop or googling his name every other day, to see if it will come up on some random chat group. Checking on him at every opportunity.
I want my life back. I am tired of being consumed by doubt and resentment. He wants to cheat, I will do the best I can to provide him with an environment in which that is possible.
The bottom line is that if I want to see if he will cheat, I need to provide the opportunities. I can't keep him on a tight leash forever. I refuse to operate in fear for the rest of my life. So ja. I wish my husband good luck- he has his whole family to gain and only his sin to lose.
Starting weight: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 107.1kgs
Loss: 3.5ksg
Wednesday 18 January 2012
Friday 13 January 2012
Confession#1
My husband wishes that I looked like Beyonce or Jessica Alba. Why can't I be good enough as I am?....
Monkey see, Monkey do
My grandfather is a philandering jerk. A minister, who loved women. Throughout my grandmothers life, she watched as they came and went and even brought up a child from one of his affairs. Oh, how her heart must have broke. My father vividly remembers listening to my grandfather plead for forgiveness, only to cheat again.
She was an uneducated woman, who came to the city after living on a farm in her childhood. She met my grandfather and was swept away. She bore him 6 children and raised 1, as if it was her own. She was my dads entire world. She may have been uneducated in academic circles, but she was wise. She was a housewife all her years, with doing some house cleaning every now and then. I wonder what she would say to me now.What would she do, if she knew what I am going through. I grew up constantly thinking that I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. I never wanted to turn out to be like my ma - sad and tired. I would be different...
But here I am at my own crossroads and while I feel the tug to leave (okay violent shove) - I don't want to make the decision out of fear. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I out earn my husband and I do not depend on him for a damn dime. I would be fine...but what about my child?
The other day, my father finally told his dad, what he thought of him. My grandfather now in his 70's doesn't understand why none of his children visit him. My dad explained to him, that he is bearing the fruits of his behaviour. This is the consequences of his actions. His own children didn't want to be around him. I was sad for my granddad. Now alone, paying for his mistakes because at the time - he lived for the moment, with no thought as to what it would mean for his future. He didn't know that children will watch you and learn about life from you. It made me think about my son...
His 5 months old now and I love him more than anything in this entire world. I want whats best for him and I do believe that the best involves him being brought up in a home with his own mommy and daddy. He doesn't deserve a broken family. He should know what its like to see healthy relationships played out. I look at my husband and the fact that he comes from a broken family. I see the links between him seeing his dad with his mistress, finding his dad porn collection and medicating himself with masturbation and pornography since the age of 11. He has never had the opportunity to see what a committed relationship looks like. I don't want that for my son. My husband learnt his behaviour from his dad - monkey see, monkey do apparently. But its time for a change in their generational line. I found this image and it really just captures my attitude - let no evil pass through your eyes, do not listen to the voice calling you to stray, guard your tongue and do not let your hormones and lusty appetites govern you...it will only lead to heartbreak.
I want to make my choices from a place of strength, not fear. I want to reach for the best future for my son - the question is, does the best future include living with his biological dad? Would be without his dad, have the same impact? I heard somewhere that only 23% of todays kids in my city is brought up in a home where they still have both their parents.I want my son to be part of the 23%...but what at what cost?
What I know for sure, is that this crap will not be passed down to my son. I will not be treated like my grandmother was...this is a game changing generation - we refuse to take what is being handed to us. Father God please help to see what my next move is...
Starting weight:110.6kgs
Current weight: 108.4kgs
Lost:2.2 kgs
She was an uneducated woman, who came to the city after living on a farm in her childhood. She met my grandfather and was swept away. She bore him 6 children and raised 1, as if it was her own. She was my dads entire world. She may have been uneducated in academic circles, but she was wise. She was a housewife all her years, with doing some house cleaning every now and then. I wonder what she would say to me now.What would she do, if she knew what I am going through. I grew up constantly thinking that I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. I never wanted to turn out to be like my ma - sad and tired. I would be different...
But here I am at my own crossroads and while I feel the tug to leave (okay violent shove) - I don't want to make the decision out of fear. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I out earn my husband and I do not depend on him for a damn dime. I would be fine...but what about my child?
The other day, my father finally told his dad, what he thought of him. My grandfather now in his 70's doesn't understand why none of his children visit him. My dad explained to him, that he is bearing the fruits of his behaviour. This is the consequences of his actions. His own children didn't want to be around him. I was sad for my granddad. Now alone, paying for his mistakes because at the time - he lived for the moment, with no thought as to what it would mean for his future. He didn't know that children will watch you and learn about life from you. It made me think about my son...
His 5 months old now and I love him more than anything in this entire world. I want whats best for him and I do believe that the best involves him being brought up in a home with his own mommy and daddy. He doesn't deserve a broken family. He should know what its like to see healthy relationships played out. I look at my husband and the fact that he comes from a broken family. I see the links between him seeing his dad with his mistress, finding his dad porn collection and medicating himself with masturbation and pornography since the age of 11. He has never had the opportunity to see what a committed relationship looks like. I don't want that for my son. My husband learnt his behaviour from his dad - monkey see, monkey do apparently. But its time for a change in their generational line. I found this image and it really just captures my attitude - let no evil pass through your eyes, do not listen to the voice calling you to stray, guard your tongue and do not let your hormones and lusty appetites govern you...it will only lead to heartbreak.
I want to make my choices from a place of strength, not fear. I want to reach for the best future for my son - the question is, does the best future include living with his biological dad? Would be without his dad, have the same impact? I heard somewhere that only 23% of todays kids in my city is brought up in a home where they still have both their parents.I want my son to be part of the 23%...but what at what cost?
What I know for sure, is that this crap will not be passed down to my son. I will not be treated like my grandmother was...this is a game changing generation - we refuse to take what is being handed to us. Father God please help to see what my next move is...
Starting weight:110.6kgs
Current weight: 108.4kgs
Lost:2.2 kgs
Sunday 8 January 2012
He cheated on valentines day
I found his username today...the name his been using for all his online activities. All I had to do was google it and...site after site...post after post came up. At first it really confirmed for me that my husband has a problem. But then I noticed that a couple of posts were made on valentines day last year. Want to know what I was doing last year? I had to travel for work... I publicly sent him messages of love on facebook. I dedicated a love song to him. I stood waiting by the phone, because I didn't want to miss his call. Told him I missed him and that I couldn't wait to get home to him.
I always thought it was dysfunctional to believe, that it is better to be in a relationship where the other person loves you more than you love them. But now...now I see...I have been loving him for so long, when he hasn't loved me the same. Maybe liked...maybe even liked alot...but not love. What kind of love humiliates and degrades like this...what kind of love smiles and holds me,while emailing tons of women looking for sex.
Sometimes when I am feeling gracious I remind myself, that I too have flirted and have had my share of crushes...but its nothing like this. Not the length, width or breadth of it...
He didn't want to celebrate valentines day because our wedding anniversary was the 1st March and he said he didn't have enough money to celebrate both. I understood and wholeheartedly agreed. Now...now it looks like valentines day just didn't mean a damn thing and he simply didn't care.
A long time ago, I asked him to stop telling me he loved me, because he didn't understand the meaning of the word. Lately I thought that perhaps I am to harsh, but after all I have seen- I realise I am right and I am one step closer to divorce. Who wants to be with someone who can only be faithful if you're same room with them? Who wants to be in a marriage, where you love your partner more than they love you? My mother once told me, never to give something precious over to someone who did not understand the value of it. They would merely treat as garbage. "Never throw pearls before swine" was her exact words.Is my heart not precious. Am I not precious? One thing for sure - his a pig and doesn't deserve me.
I am more sure now than ever, that he has had sex with more women than what he has let on. I am not convinced that he has stopped visiting sites. I have no proof. But something told me, something was wrong before. I feel that way now...I could ask him, but he lies straight to my face and sometimes even with a smile - so what would be the point. I am no match for him. Maybe if we got divorced, we could start again...later, when he has done and explored all that he needs to explore.
I feel foolish and stupid. What am I going to do?
I always thought it was dysfunctional to believe, that it is better to be in a relationship where the other person loves you more than you love them. But now...now I see...I have been loving him for so long, when he hasn't loved me the same. Maybe liked...maybe even liked alot...but not love. What kind of love humiliates and degrades like this...what kind of love smiles and holds me,while emailing tons of women looking for sex.
Sometimes when I am feeling gracious I remind myself, that I too have flirted and have had my share of crushes...but its nothing like this. Not the length, width or breadth of it...
He didn't want to celebrate valentines day because our wedding anniversary was the 1st March and he said he didn't have enough money to celebrate both. I understood and wholeheartedly agreed. Now...now it looks like valentines day just didn't mean a damn thing and he simply didn't care.
A long time ago, I asked him to stop telling me he loved me, because he didn't understand the meaning of the word. Lately I thought that perhaps I am to harsh, but after all I have seen- I realise I am right and I am one step closer to divorce. Who wants to be with someone who can only be faithful if you're same room with them? Who wants to be in a marriage, where you love your partner more than they love you? My mother once told me, never to give something precious over to someone who did not understand the value of it. They would merely treat as garbage. "Never throw pearls before swine" was her exact words.Is my heart not precious. Am I not precious? One thing for sure - his a pig and doesn't deserve me.
I am more sure now than ever, that he has had sex with more women than what he has let on. I am not convinced that he has stopped visiting sites. I have no proof. But something told me, something was wrong before. I feel that way now...I could ask him, but he lies straight to my face and sometimes even with a smile - so what would be the point. I am no match for him. Maybe if we got divorced, we could start again...later, when he has done and explored all that he needs to explore.
I feel foolish and stupid. What am I going to do?
Friday 6 January 2012
Does being fat give him a right to be unfaithful?
Does picking up weight give your partner the right to stray?
I met my husband when I was 20 yrs old and a hip hop dancer. I had dropped the weight I had been carrying in high school and weighed in at a cool 65 kgs/143 pounds. I was wearing a bikini and jeans hung off my hips. 9 years later, I am 110.6 kgs. The period during which my husband was unfaithful coincides with my heaviest weight ever - 116/7 kgs. I was virtually twice the girl he met.
It stings. In my heart I always thought that he should love me and be glad to have me, no matter how much weight I gained. He always told me that he thought I was beautiful and he loved me just the way I was. But we were lying to ourselves I think. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and I never caught him staring the way he used to. Over the last 2 years, I would have been hearing odds and ends that slowly changed the way I see things.
#1: I was watching a Dr Phil show about cheating and he was speaking to this woman and simply said, He doesn't have the right to cheat, but you need to help him out a little. Fix your hair in the mornings, put on some lipstick. His about to walk into an office with fully made up women, looking for his attention. Help him be faithful by doing your best to look good for him.
#2: I was reading - Dont sweat the small stuff for women (I think ;-(). Right at the end it talks bluntly about weight gain in marriage. The author talks about expectations in marriage. As women, we expect men to continue striving to be successful in their careers, men expect women to continue striving to look good. This is our unspoken agreement. As different genders, we value different things. We value the provider and men value looks. How would we feel as women, if when we dated someone who was doing amazingly well and then once we got married, they decided they didn't feel like working anymore and sat around the house all day? I wouldn't take it kindly...and although I struggled with what I saw as a shallow and unrealistic expectation, I began to wonder if that is how men truly felt? I would leave a man, who went from a working class guy to someone who wilfully doesn't work. It would feel like a betrayal. Do men feel just as strongly about weight gain? It seems so harsh...
I feel bitter about it, but one day perhaps I will just accept this as part of the difference between men and women. So where does this leave me? To be honest, all I want to do is to hookup with someone from one of the websites that love fat women. They would encourage me to pick up even more weight. Wouldn't it be bliss to hear, that I am to skinny?? LOL. But perhaps if everything goes to shit, than I will go back to that option. But for now.. Well pre-d day, I had already started losing weight because I wanted to help my husband out and then I fell pregnant, during which he continued being unfaithful to me (asshole), but my beautiful son is now here and it is the beginning of a new era. I have decided that I am jumping back onto the wagon. I want to be healthier for my son, so I can be active with him. I want to feel and look sexy again, because it makes me feel good (plus if I get divorced, I want to be market ready:-)). I will try to lose the weight, to give my husband something to work with - but seriously when someone is a porn addict, I could be wondering around in a thong and it wouldn't matter. Women more beautiful than I, have been cheated on - but I will try.
I am sad that weight plays such a huge role for men, but perhaps this is just part of letting go of the Mills and Boon dream of happily ever afters and eternal loyalty and commitment. There is no hero coming to sweep me off my feet. The man of my dreams does not exist. I will need to save myself and I intend to look hot doing it. My short term goal is to weigh 90kgs by December 2012. Mini goal is to weigh under 100 kgs by July 2012. Ultimate goal - weigh 80kgs by December 2013.
Weight at start: 110.6
Current weight: 109.4
Loss: 1.2 kgs.
I met my husband when I was 20 yrs old and a hip hop dancer. I had dropped the weight I had been carrying in high school and weighed in at a cool 65 kgs/143 pounds. I was wearing a bikini and jeans hung off my hips. 9 years later, I am 110.6 kgs. The period during which my husband was unfaithful coincides with my heaviest weight ever - 116/7 kgs. I was virtually twice the girl he met.
It stings. In my heart I always thought that he should love me and be glad to have me, no matter how much weight I gained. He always told me that he thought I was beautiful and he loved me just the way I was. But we were lying to ourselves I think. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and I never caught him staring the way he used to. Over the last 2 years, I would have been hearing odds and ends that slowly changed the way I see things.
#1: I was watching a Dr Phil show about cheating and he was speaking to this woman and simply said, He doesn't have the right to cheat, but you need to help him out a little. Fix your hair in the mornings, put on some lipstick. His about to walk into an office with fully made up women, looking for his attention. Help him be faithful by doing your best to look good for him.
#2: I was reading - Dont sweat the small stuff for women (I think ;-(). Right at the end it talks bluntly about weight gain in marriage. The author talks about expectations in marriage. As women, we expect men to continue striving to be successful in their careers, men expect women to continue striving to look good. This is our unspoken agreement. As different genders, we value different things. We value the provider and men value looks. How would we feel as women, if when we dated someone who was doing amazingly well and then once we got married, they decided they didn't feel like working anymore and sat around the house all day? I wouldn't take it kindly...and although I struggled with what I saw as a shallow and unrealistic expectation, I began to wonder if that is how men truly felt? I would leave a man, who went from a working class guy to someone who wilfully doesn't work. It would feel like a betrayal. Do men feel just as strongly about weight gain? It seems so harsh...
I feel bitter about it, but one day perhaps I will just accept this as part of the difference between men and women. So where does this leave me? To be honest, all I want to do is to hookup with someone from one of the websites that love fat women. They would encourage me to pick up even more weight. Wouldn't it be bliss to hear, that I am to skinny?? LOL. But perhaps if everything goes to shit, than I will go back to that option. But for now.. Well pre-d day, I had already started losing weight because I wanted to help my husband out and then I fell pregnant, during which he continued being unfaithful to me (asshole), but my beautiful son is now here and it is the beginning of a new era. I have decided that I am jumping back onto the wagon. I want to be healthier for my son, so I can be active with him. I want to feel and look sexy again, because it makes me feel good (plus if I get divorced, I want to be market ready:-)). I will try to lose the weight, to give my husband something to work with - but seriously when someone is a porn addict, I could be wondering around in a thong and it wouldn't matter. Women more beautiful than I, have been cheated on - but I will try.
I am sad that weight plays such a huge role for men, but perhaps this is just part of letting go of the Mills and Boon dream of happily ever afters and eternal loyalty and commitment. There is no hero coming to sweep me off my feet. The man of my dreams does not exist. I will need to save myself and I intend to look hot doing it. My short term goal is to weigh 90kgs by December 2012. Mini goal is to weigh under 100 kgs by July 2012. Ultimate goal - weigh 80kgs by December 2013.
Weight at start: 110.6
Current weight: 109.4
Loss: 1.2 kgs.
Thursday 5 January 2012
arrivederci, goodbye and go well....
Its a new year!!
I can't say goodbye to 2011 fast enough. Its a fabulous feeling to say this happened last year.What a year... the greatest pain and the greatest joy all rolled into one. I often wonder why things happened the way it did. Holding my son in my arms, I now know why. It would have taken the greatest amount of love to counter the greatest amount of hurt. If my son wasn't there, I doubt I would still be married today.
The Christmas season was wonderful and tiring. I looked at my husband and wondered why couldn't he have just kept his d*ck to himself. Christmas day, looking at youngsters running around catching up to no good, the older generation sitting back, talking about how things used to be...watching the the adults laugh together - I wondered why I...we...weren't enough for him. I don't think he even knows the answer...
And now I don't know whether we will survive this year - but what I do know is that God has been good to me! I will not be entrapped in this bondage again. I see my life for what it is and not the masquerade my husband put on for me.
Every day I am rediscovering who I am in this relationship. I read this post on the the betrayed wives club site and its added such value already to how I am going about my life. It said, let go of the things you used to do. All it does it remind you of how things used to be pre discovery and it shows in stark relief what now exists. That's happened to me. The pain and the bitterness is enough swallow me whole. So its time for a change. I am starting with my wedding anniversary.
Hubby and I started dating on the 31st December 2002. We got married on the 1st March 2008. As new year approached this year, I realised that I don't see any reason to celebrate our marriage as I could barely stand the thought of celebrating our relationship. So I told him that our wedding anniversary is off the table. He was concerned, but I don't care. As a matter fact, I am really beginning to like the idea of going away by myself around March, just to take stock of my life.
I am tempted to cut out Valentines Day too, as last year (yeah, that felt good to say) I was sending him public messages of love while he was most likely having online sex with someone else...talking about that. I don't know why, but I keep thinking that he had someone in our house. I was away on business. I came back and the house was spotless and I mean SPOTLESS. When I walked through the door, he hugged me, took my luggage and firmly placed in the middle of our bed...I had been away for two weeks. When I went in for a snuggle, he wasn't interested. I don't know whether to let it go or not. If anything, I have realised, that my gut is generally on point and that the most simple explanation is probably the right one. But what's the point of bringing it up? He has done the worst...perhaps more often than he has let on. But when I took him back, I took him knowing this to probably be true...I guess its just hard to let go.
But here is to the new year. New possibilities and opportunities, new life and new relationship. Thank you God for bringing me through 2011. Help me to rely on you in 2012. Restore me and my marriage in line with Your will. Nothing is impossible for my God...
I can't say goodbye to 2011 fast enough. Its a fabulous feeling to say this happened last year.What a year... the greatest pain and the greatest joy all rolled into one. I often wonder why things happened the way it did. Holding my son in my arms, I now know why. It would have taken the greatest amount of love to counter the greatest amount of hurt. If my son wasn't there, I doubt I would still be married today.
The Christmas season was wonderful and tiring. I looked at my husband and wondered why couldn't he have just kept his d*ck to himself. Christmas day, looking at youngsters running around catching up to no good, the older generation sitting back, talking about how things used to be...watching the the adults laugh together - I wondered why I...we...weren't enough for him. I don't think he even knows the answer...
And now I don't know whether we will survive this year - but what I do know is that God has been good to me! I will not be entrapped in this bondage again. I see my life for what it is and not the masquerade my husband put on for me.
Every day I am rediscovering who I am in this relationship. I read this post on the the betrayed wives club site and its added such value already to how I am going about my life. It said, let go of the things you used to do. All it does it remind you of how things used to be pre discovery and it shows in stark relief what now exists. That's happened to me. The pain and the bitterness is enough swallow me whole. So its time for a change. I am starting with my wedding anniversary.
Hubby and I started dating on the 31st December 2002. We got married on the 1st March 2008. As new year approached this year, I realised that I don't see any reason to celebrate our marriage as I could barely stand the thought of celebrating our relationship. So I told him that our wedding anniversary is off the table. He was concerned, but I don't care. As a matter fact, I am really beginning to like the idea of going away by myself around March, just to take stock of my life.
I am tempted to cut out Valentines Day too, as last year (yeah, that felt good to say) I was sending him public messages of love while he was most likely having online sex with someone else...talking about that. I don't know why, but I keep thinking that he had someone in our house. I was away on business. I came back and the house was spotless and I mean SPOTLESS. When I walked through the door, he hugged me, took my luggage and firmly placed in the middle of our bed...I had been away for two weeks. When I went in for a snuggle, he wasn't interested. I don't know whether to let it go or not. If anything, I have realised, that my gut is generally on point and that the most simple explanation is probably the right one. But what's the point of bringing it up? He has done the worst...perhaps more often than he has let on. But when I took him back, I took him knowing this to probably be true...I guess its just hard to let go.
But here is to the new year. New possibilities and opportunities, new life and new relationship. Thank you God for bringing me through 2011. Help me to rely on you in 2012. Restore me and my marriage in line with Your will. Nothing is impossible for my God...
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