I can't say goodbye to 2011 fast enough. Its a fabulous feeling to say this happened last year.What a year... the greatest pain and the greatest joy all rolled into one. I often wonder why things happened the way it did. Holding my son in my arms, I now know why. It would have taken the greatest amount of love to counter the greatest amount of hurt. If my son wasn't there, I doubt I would still be married today.
The Christmas season was wonderful and tiring. I looked at my husband and wondered why couldn't he have just kept his d*ck to himself. Christmas day, looking at youngsters running around catching up to no good, the older generation sitting back, talking about how things used to be...watching the the adults laugh together - I wondered why I...we...weren't enough for him. I don't think he even knows the answer...
And now I don't know whether we will survive this year - but what I do know is that God has been good to me! I will not be entrapped in this bondage again. I see my life for what it is and not the masquerade my husband put on for me.
Every day I am rediscovering who I am in this relationship. I read this post on the the betrayed wives club site and its added such value already to how I am going about my life. It said, let go of the things you used to do. All it does it remind you of how things used to be pre discovery and it shows in stark relief what now exists. That's happened to me. The pain and the bitterness is enough swallow me whole. So its time for a change. I am starting with my wedding anniversary.
Hubby and I started dating on the 31st December 2002. We got married on the 1st March 2008. As new year approached this year, I realised that I don't see any reason to celebrate our marriage as I could barely stand the thought of celebrating our relationship. So I told him that our wedding anniversary is off the table. He was concerned, but I don't care. As a matter fact, I am really beginning to like the idea of going away by myself around March, just to take stock of my life.
I am tempted to cut out Valentines Day too, as last year (yeah, that felt good to say) I was sending him public messages of love while he was most likely having online sex with someone else...talking about that. I don't know why, but I keep thinking that he had someone in our house. I was away on business. I came back and the house was spotless and I mean SPOTLESS. When I walked through the door, he hugged me, took my luggage and firmly placed in the middle of our bed...I had been away for two weeks. When I went in for a snuggle, he wasn't interested. I don't know whether to let it go or not. If anything, I have realised, that my gut is generally on point and that the most simple explanation is probably the right one. But what's the point of bringing it up? He has done the worst...perhaps more often than he has let on. But when I took him back, I took him knowing this to probably be true...I guess its just hard to let go.
But here is to the new year. New possibilities and opportunities, new life and new relationship. Thank you God for bringing me through 2011. Help me to rely on you in 2012. Restore me and my marriage in line with Your will. Nothing is impossible for my God...
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