At my request, my husband found a new job. Something that challenged him, so that he wouldn't have so much time on his hands and that was turning out quite nicely until a new guy was hired.
The new guy is who my husband used to be. I see changes happening...everything my husband has worked on, is slowing disappearing. His short temper is coming back, he swears a lot more, the other day he wanted to know if he could go back to pirating movies...
Last year, my husband was really getting into church and was even considering volunteering...the other day I had to hear about - why does he need to join a cult...excuse me???? A cult? Where did that come from...but I thought about it and I realised its all part of the change...the new woman in his life is a man and my husband is only more than willing to share himself with him.
There is nothing for me to do, except handover the situation to God. I can't force my husband to love me, I can't force him to be a good husband and father. What I can do though, is take charge of my own life.
This time next year, I don't want to be sitting next to a swearing, emotionally absent man wondering whether he loves me. The love I have for myself is enough, I will be happier on my own.
For now, the bromance is going full blast...how the heck am I suppose to compete with that...
Monday 28 January 2013
What do you do if your husband doesn't love you
I haven't visited my blog in a while...as a matter of fact it seems that my last blog date was the 27 November 2012...sounds about right. Things really picked up at work and my marriage seemed to be doing ok...why post? Things are going well - I don't need to write about it...maybe I should just let it go...
Almost to the day 2 months later...I am struggling with something far bigger than my husbands promiscuity...I am battling with the idea that he doesn't love me. I could stay and I have, despite his activities and I have to say - he has stepped in almost every single way...but he never says he loves me.
Its been an ongoing theme for almost a year now...it normally starts with me becoming drastically paranoid over his every glance, his every smile...I mull it over until I am sure his cheating on me...I start asking him indirect questions. I fish for information, because I don't want to confront him in case I am crazy. I suppose I keep thinking...maybe he will just tell me what I need to know without me actually needing to constantly ask him. He very rarely tells me anything...then I start to believe my thoughts...his hiding things from me. His so much more tech savy than me...I don't stand a chance. I am tossed and turned in a sea of jealousy and nausea...until I finally decide that maybe it is just me and he is doing the best he can...and we're fine again until the next time.
The last 7 days the cycle has repeated itself, but this time...the ending is different. I have realised two critical things;
1) My husband avoids us. He works 5 minutes away from me, but kicks up a fuss if I want to have lunch with him. All I am asking for is 1 hour, where we are not constantly distracted by our 18 month old son. When he picks me up from work, we review the day for 15 minutes- we then pick up my son and head home. From there he is either playing on his phone or his cooking dinner. Then we watch TV until bedtime. And thats our routine, every single night
2) My husband might love me...but its not in the way I need.Wow his amazing at doing things. Two weeks ago, I was working on a tight deadline so I stayed at work - when he surprised me twice with a home cooked meal. He could have stayed home and watch porn, but he came to sit with me until I could go home. He does our budgets and ensures that we pay off everything we need to...he does so many things...but he never says he loves me. We have had two massive fights about this...last week, wasn't massive, but I just let my heart run again and I told him that I am insecure in our marriage. I don't even know whether he loves me romantically. We are very kind to each other...but that's not love. Of course he said nothing...not even "I love you" and thats not good enough for me.
If my husband isn't loving me, than who is he loving? One of the many things that this issue has taught me, is that if my husband isn't being romantic with me, his being romantic with someone else.
Either way you slice it though - I don't want to be in a relationship where it seems that the only time my husband tells me he loves me, is when I am about to leave.
I am not asking for massive displays of affection (although every now and then it would be nice)...all I am asking is that he regularly tells me that he loves and cares for me. If I felt more secure in my marriage, I wouldn't be going around and around in circles fueled by jealousy and doubt.
So now I am starting to feel my resolve weaken - why should I have to fight for my husband to share himself with me? Is that normal for a recovering porn addict? I don't know...all I know, is that despite the amazing progress he has made - all that its done, is put us on the level of a "normal" functioning couple, but there is nothing that sets me apart as someone special in his life.
Almost to the day 2 months later...I am struggling with something far bigger than my husbands promiscuity...I am battling with the idea that he doesn't love me. I could stay and I have, despite his activities and I have to say - he has stepped in almost every single way...but he never says he loves me.
Its been an ongoing theme for almost a year now...it normally starts with me becoming drastically paranoid over his every glance, his every smile...I mull it over until I am sure his cheating on me...I start asking him indirect questions. I fish for information, because I don't want to confront him in case I am crazy. I suppose I keep thinking...maybe he will just tell me what I need to know without me actually needing to constantly ask him. He very rarely tells me anything...then I start to believe my thoughts...his hiding things from me. His so much more tech savy than me...I don't stand a chance. I am tossed and turned in a sea of jealousy and nausea...until I finally decide that maybe it is just me and he is doing the best he can...and we're fine again until the next time.
The last 7 days the cycle has repeated itself, but this time...the ending is different. I have realised two critical things;
1) My husband avoids us. He works 5 minutes away from me, but kicks up a fuss if I want to have lunch with him. All I am asking for is 1 hour, where we are not constantly distracted by our 18 month old son. When he picks me up from work, we review the day for 15 minutes- we then pick up my son and head home. From there he is either playing on his phone or his cooking dinner. Then we watch TV until bedtime. And thats our routine, every single night
2) My husband might love me...but its not in the way I need.Wow his amazing at doing things. Two weeks ago, I was working on a tight deadline so I stayed at work - when he surprised me twice with a home cooked meal. He could have stayed home and watch porn, but he came to sit with me until I could go home. He does our budgets and ensures that we pay off everything we need to...he does so many things...but he never says he loves me. We have had two massive fights about this...last week, wasn't massive, but I just let my heart run again and I told him that I am insecure in our marriage. I don't even know whether he loves me romantically. We are very kind to each other...but that's not love. Of course he said nothing...not even "I love you" and thats not good enough for me.
If my husband isn't loving me, than who is he loving? One of the many things that this issue has taught me, is that if my husband isn't being romantic with me, his being romantic with someone else.
Either way you slice it though - I don't want to be in a relationship where it seems that the only time my husband tells me he loves me, is when I am about to leave.
I am not asking for massive displays of affection (although every now and then it would be nice)...all I am asking is that he regularly tells me that he loves and cares for me. If I felt more secure in my marriage, I wouldn't be going around and around in circles fueled by jealousy and doubt.
So now I am starting to feel my resolve weaken - why should I have to fight for my husband to share himself with me? Is that normal for a recovering porn addict? I don't know...all I know, is that despite the amazing progress he has made - all that its done, is put us on the level of a "normal" functioning couple, but there is nothing that sets me apart as someone special in his life.
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