Its changed you. You are not the woman he dated and his not your knight in shining amour anymore. You have resolved to be your own hero and for some of us, that has meant trying again.For a while you let him do him do the work - its satisfying watching him jump through hoops and leaping to any demands you might have....but there comes a time, when you will need to stop being a observer and start being a participant in your marriage again. I know he was the one who "left" first, but you need to let that go so that you and your family become the reason he wants stay.
Bitter is, as bitter does:
At first it feels awkward to offer any sort of gratitude for anything - in the beginning my thanks were clipped and almost rude. And thats when I was willing to allow him to do things for me again. I was becoming more and more miserable each day because I insisted on proving my hurt at every opportunity-I didn't allow myself the chance of just forgetting for a moment what had happened. I couldn't stand who I was becoming so I decided that its time to let get of the deliberate bitterness - and it allowed a small beginning to just being civil.
As my mother told me....if you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all:
We tend to get ourselves into a bit of cycle of mean spiritedness and I aint gonna lie - making them hurt feels good. But neither of you needs a constant reminder of what an asshole he is- you both know.
Um, that coffee was nice...:
So now we're not being mean and we're watching our words. Next step - find something to compliment them on. Now it might stick in your craw a little bit - but you have got to start. What won me over to this idea - is that if you can compliment him, when you need to have a heavy word with him, he will take it seriously. If you are constantly telling him what a rubbish he is, all he will hear after a while is - "You're a jerk, you will always be a jerk and I plan on making you pay for this every damn day". So you need to find balance. It will make him more receptive to your concerns and it will allow you to be more yourself again and before you know it you are feeling slightly happier and he is feeling grateful that just maybe your marriage will revive itself.
I may not have been the first, but I am the last:
Now that you can look at him without showing him the finger, protect yourself from you. If you haven't told him that you would like to try again - let him know and then talk about what you both need from the relationship. For me, I needed to feel desired and loved again. To be paid attention to- spoil me and show me that I am on your mind. What happened though is that he started surprising me - but then I would get mad because I would wonder if he did the same things with his many, many women. Soon I started getting tense, whenever I received what I had asked for and instead of rewarding him, it become another difficult emotional conversation.So I decided to embrace this mantra - "maybe I am not the first, but I am the last". I deserve being spoiled and loved and I am not going to let our history take that from me...
Throw the ball back
So by now his doing cartwheels to show that he loves you and that he has recommitted himself to a life of love and monogamy. Its time to show him that you still care for him and you love him even though a part of you will always be ready to deliver that swift kick to the balls if he has ever returns back to his errant ways. And this is where the rubber hits the road. A relationship won't work unless both of your are participating - you expect him to romance you, well he needs the same. Admittedly his ideas and desires might look different to yours, but remember when you were willing to do anything to please him. Try and get back to that place. Surprise him with stuff he wants - whether its that yummy meal you make or you in red heels and nothing else. I know that there will be somethings we will struggle to do again. For the life of me, I can't see myself giving my husband a b-job in the foreseeable future. Just the thought of where his bits have been, makes my lips seal shut. But its time ladies to throw the ball back - his been lobbing that damn thing over the net for months now while you stood and smirked at him and for some us it included gestures that should not be shown in front of children. Its time to play ball and thats where I am at.
Hubby and I have date nights now - Friday nights. My mom was kind enough to take our son for the night, so we could have time to ourselves. So I have been looking for things that I could do for him, that he would enjoy and that wouldn't hurt the non-existent bank balance. Its a surprise but on Friday night I am taking him on this:
Its the hugest ferris wheel I have ever seen - its manly right? they say nothing like fear inspires passionate sex, so lets hope it works!
Sometimes its hard to know how to show that cheating bastard that you still love him, so its good to have a couple of ideas on hand:-)
I found this AMAZING website called "Dating Divas - strengthening marriages, one date at a time" (www.datingdivas.com), which has awesome ideas. Check it out :-)
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