Hyperviligance for sexual abuse

I can't talk to my husband about it...he wouldn't understand...

I think I have a problem. I am drowning in fear of sexual abuse of my son.

It didn't start now...for as long as I can remember I have always been...aware. Too aware. I am constantly looking out into fields to see if anyone is being raped or beaten...its not a choice that I make, its a compulsive need to search out the landscape. Whether I am in a car, train or taxi, it doesn't matter - I search dark alleyways, dark spots under bridges- anywhere where the dark and remoteness exists - I look... and I am relieved when I see nothing, but the drive to wander around with a gun to save the victims is strong...maybe I should have become a cop.

I suspect everyone. EV.RY.ONE. I watch men...I watch if they linger a little to long with a child...I watch their hands in case it creeps to inappropriate places...I see men walking with what could very well be their own child or grandchild and my first reaction is whether they have kidnapped them and are going to rape them. I longingly watch them walk away, as I battle the need to follow them and wrestle the child away.

I sometimes have dreams of opening up my own childrens home and I would look after them and love them...and protect them.

This was all before I had a child and now its worse. If my son it to tired, I think someone is abusing him. My son went through a phase where he clenched his legs together at nappy changes and I nearly went ballistic. I do body inspections and every mark, redness and scrape is taken seriously...perhaps to seriously. I scour websites that tell me that the things I see are normal and the pressure building inside of me subsides...until the next time...

I have began to wonder over the last couple of years, whether its because of my sensitive nature that I am this way...or is it because I was abused when I was younger. If it happened, I have no recollection of it...not that it helps. I realised about 10 years ago - that when I perceive something as life threatening, I remember the before and after, but nothing in between and when I look back over my life, there are pockets, that I simply don't recall... I had wondered whether I should go and see a therapist, to see if there is anything to unearth - but I have decided that I don't want to remember if that's the case... there are people out there who spend their whole lives trying to forget and I am lucky to not remember as a self protective measure  but the flip side is that I am left with the bitter residue of a memory I don't have..
 
But maybe...just maybe the is really nothing to it and I just have a shockingly bad memory and I am just very neurotic by nature...I do worry a lot. I worry constantly about most things. I not only have a plan A and B, but also Cs and Ds.

I don't want to become a crazy mom, who keeps her children close to her at all times and home schools them for safety reasons. I don't know what to do with myself? Where is the line between neurotic compulsion and just being a good mom?