So Saturday,we dropped off our little bundle of joy at my moms place and off we went to our first session with Tammy.
We've kinda gone through counselling before with a pastor and it really helped - but the pastor was all about the actions and not the feelings and I realised on Saturday that this is a massive gap for me. I don't have an understanding of my husbands journey, because I don't understand how his feeling and therefore because I don't know, I fill in the gaps myself. I search and search to fill the void and then when I find something that I believe is evidence of his douchebaggery, I cling to it - because its all I have...right or wrong.
We confirmed that we need tools to move forward. We are at an impasse - I can't trust him and he feels like his being monitored. We spoke about our respective histories - nothing new there - but something really caught on for me as we spoke about the journey of our relationship...we spoke about our ages when we met - he was 18 and I was 20 and to hear someone else say out loud - "So you were both very young when you started your relationship" - just for some reason brought it home for me, that perhaps we were to young. He was bound to change as we all do. How many times have I told my cousins not to get married to young - people don't know who they are or what they want before they are 25 years old. I should have taken my own advice.
Second - I have begun to doubt his addiction theory. It could be because I have not walked the full recovery process with him and therefore I don't have the full picture - but I am beginning to think that while he has had copious amounts of porn around - I think it spured him on initially but after he got the taste of seeking out different women, it was about the expierience of experiencing different women and not seeking out for sexual gratification.
When we met, he had only 1 girlfriend...a long distance girfriend, whom by his accout he kissed once and touched her boobs and that was it. Then I came along and I became the sum of his entire physical sexual history. He then starts to watch an incredible amount of porn as he gets older and when the opportunity presented itself, he sought out a prostitute...and after that there was no stopping him. Older and a lot more sure of himself, he realised that he could get more women than his 15 year old self way back in the day. Thinking he would never get caught, he figured whats the harm - its just for fun. Without any moral standpoint or relationship with God, this was all to easy a choice to make. This could explain why he seemingly could change his behaviour in matter of months...he went cold turkey and apparently according to him, all he had to do was stop...now I have never heard of a true addict that could just stop. I understand addicts will try to stop and sometimes they are successful, but it can be a struggle. I never got a hint of a struggle with him. Was he just trying to minimize the damage? Possibly...
Maybe the truth is my husband isn't a porn addict, maybe his just an asshole who thought he could get away with cheating.
At the end of the session, the counsellor said that to end off we should acknowledge something about each other that we like. I couldn't do it...I felt bad about it, but I just couldn't do it. I could have told him what a great dad he is...I could have told him that he does well the husband role of bringing home the bacon...but between a man and woman, he has brought me nothing but pain and misery.
She gave us a contact details for a local support group and we will be going. I wonder what we will find...
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