For those who don't believe no proof is possible

For those who believe no proof is necessary. 

For those who don't believe no proof is possible

                                                         Stuart Close

I need to email Tammy the counsellor today and let her know, we will be following up on one of the resources she gave us. A connection to possible support groups for couples like us...stuck in the middle of hell.

During our last conversation with Tammy, she asked me the question if there is anything my husband could do to help me even start believing in him again and I was literally at a loss for words. I think she thought that I simply had no ideas on how my husband could help me...but the truth is, I have explored them all and none of it is good enough for me anymore.

In that peculiar moment of silence between question and answer, I realised that there is nothing he can do.NOT A DAMN THING. 

I second guess every look, every smile. Yesterday, I heard footsteps come up the stairs at work and pathetically and invanely I had hoped that it was him. Of course it wasn't...I have began to believe the worst of him as my default setting and even though its a sad place to be, its got to be better than sitting in the sun while a bird shits on your face right?

I have wandered into the land of the unbeliever and because I am not as practiced as he with the deciet, I find that I am incapable of manufacturing a loving touch or soft smile, when all I can think is " You bastard, I wonder who you fucked today". Sometimes his voice softens with hurt, at my dismissive glance and uninterested tone...a small part of me feels sad for him, but an even bigger part rejoices at scoring one for the team. The rejection he feels is nothing compared to the searing feeling of humiliation, when he told me that while he tried to finger fuck the work colleague in their boardroom, he still had his wedding band on. Is nothing sacred anymore?

I don't know when I made my decision to pull back - it just slowly started happening. He feels it and suddenly all he can talk about is christmas and family time, holidays and our son. He knows that in my heart, my one foot is out the door and it kills him that he doesn't know how to stop it.

Well I am dying to... I am waiting for the final death blow and in the legendary words of my childhood gams...one day I will awake and I will know that its time to "Finish Him" - mortal kombat style!