112kgs

I wiped the sleep from my eyes, wondered if I should take my pajamas off in case it impacted on the weight...I decided that was stupid, since I was leggings LOL

So, I closed the bathroom door, got onto the scale and watched the numbers climb. 112kgs. Noone, I feel tired and moody all the time. I may as well be pregnant.

Yesterday was tough. I realised that a woman in the office was gossiping about me. Unfortunately, we seem to be on  opposites sides of the personality spectrum. My natural inclination is Miss Sunshine. I am the woman, who will bring you a cup of coffee and tell you that your hair looks great! She on the other hand, seems to thrive off complaining about EVERYTHING. I feel my mojo just slipping away whenever she is near, so I have tried to stay away from her - but its almost impossible because I am mid-management.  On top of that, I lost it with my husband working late and all I wanted to do was eat. Sooo clearly eating is part of my stress response. But what is stressing me out?

1. I feel lonely. I feel lonely in my marriage, even though its better than it was before. I still have this sense, that I am the one who has to pull everything together. I feel lonely at work, because I don't fit in anywhere. I am not part of senior management and I am not part of the general office pool. I am the only one in a mid level position and I feel like I have noone to talk to.

2. Eating makes me feel better for a little while. Not only does it flood me with feel good feelings, but when I am eating I don't think about how crappy my life has become.

3. I am not disciplined enough. I could be, but I am lazy. The power is mine to choose whether I want to be different.  I need to committ long enough for my health to become a habit instead of a project, even though it clearly needs to start out that way. I need to be healthy, it shouldn't be an option. 


So ja, this week - I am committing to not eating tons of junk food and chips. I think I will go back to my 5 days great and 2 days reward routine. Often I worked so hard during the week, that I couldn't face being gluttonous over a weekend. Cool...lets see how it goes.

I wonder if this is what our porn addict partners go through?