The plastic surgery question

Am I pretty enough to keep my husband?

It stings a little (okay, a heck of a lot) that all the women he cheated on me with, was thinner and younger than me. I would say that they looked like me (body wise) when I first met my husband. Toned, athletic and body beautiful. Now 8 years and 1 child later, I am big. When I met hubby I weighed 65 kgs in 2004, but the time I got married 2008 I weighed 104. My heaviest was 117.5 kgs in 2009.

Oh, I would make weak attempts at exercising, depending on those around me - to motivate me. But when I reached nearly a 120kgs, I had enough. I know everyone says it, but I just didn't fully realise how big I was getting until I was HUGE. I then started exercising religiously. Nothing hectic, but I tried to walk at least 3 times a week and the weight started dropping off. I changed my eating habits and I saw even more of a difference. I was on my way! Feeling better about myself, then I had in ages - I thought surely my husband must be happier with me now (not that he ever said that I should lose weight). By the time I fell pregnant in October 2010, I was weighing 104kgs. I had so nearly touched my goal of weighing under 100kgs, that my more vainer moments contained resentment that I fell pregnant instead of reaching my goal. I started picking up weight in the pregnancy and every kg was a little death to me. How much bigger am I going to get? When I eventually gave birth to my son, I weighed in at 122kgs. Now 3 months after his birth, I have dropped back down to 106kgs.

I FEEL UGLY.

I resent my husband for not caring that I tried SO HARD to lose weight. I did it, so that he could be proud to be with me...to be aroused by me again. When I have my bad weight days (like today), I feel like going onto those websites where men are looking for bigger women. They find my shape beautiful - I don't need to feel like they have "settled" for me. They would love me. They would adore me.

Seriously... I am like a third of her size. I wonder if this guy is single now...

 My hubby and I have started a no secrets policy, so instead of letting this desire grow - I have confessed it to my husband. His always quick to say that the porn he watched also had big women in it. He doesn't get it...whats a fucking knife in the back was that the women he actually had physical contact with (not online or video) where all thinner than me. When he had the choice, he didn't go after a big girl...he didn't go after someone like me. And can I blame him? No. In my dreams, the guy was never pudgy. He was muscled and strong - why should his dream girl be any different? So no matter what he says, I don't believe he finds me attractive and now I am considering plastic surgery.

Yes, I want to be beautiful for him - but more importantly I am tired of settling for how I look. When I look in the mirror, I want to love what I see. I am tired of wearing control top panties with dresses. I don't want to wear t-shirts and tops that are long enough to reach mid thigh so that it can cover my hanging tummy. I want to feel irrestible and I think that getting a tummy tuck could speed along the process.

He gets all freaked out by it, any time I mention it. He thinks that I shouldn't mess with my body. But what the hell does he know. His not the one, who has met and seen the other women and have walked away feeling old, frumpy and discarded like yesterdays trash. He hasn't had to stand there and feel the burn of humiliation when its clear who the prettier girl is. I just want someone to love me...is that so hard?