Every now and then I trawl through the male perspective on how it felt to be cheated on...I came across that one sentence amongst all the angst " I am learning how to live with less" and it broke my heart, because thats it, isn't - we are all learning how to live with less...
Some might argue that, while we have less- at least its honest...but still. The truth can't stop the cloying feeling of loss.
Last night, something to 1 in the morning I went through his phone. I don't what I expected to find...I know he doesn't use his phone to cheat, but I couldn't stop myself from just checking.... I signed up for a social site he used to use, to see if he was on there and 5 minutes later deleted the account having found nothing...I wish I could just shut it all away.
I want to take my son and drift off in fields of golden sunshine, where I provide everything he could ever need and I would be free from this constant feeling of doubt
When we first got married, our future stretched before us---boring, but predictable and now it seems like every other month I am wondering if divorce is on the cards. Not because his cheating, but because doubt has exhausted me.
I dream of paying a woman to come on to him, just to see what he would do. Why wait for years, when I could find out right now what kind of man he has decided to be.
I don't know what tomorrow holds - torn between my dreams of old and hazy future- I am learning to live with less...now if only I can teach my heart to be satisfied with that...
My heart goes out to you, Xena. The issue of trust is the hardest to overcome. I don't think I'll ever trust Devin 100%. I asked him how he felt about that and said he hated it but accepted it. I realized I did too and thought, wow, that's messed up, what do I do now? I'm married to a man I'll never trust completely! That's insane. I decided to trust him as much as I can and let the rest go. Not sure if that makes sense? Be well, my friend!! You deserve to be happy!!
ReplyDeleteThanks honey - its weird place to be in...being in a relationship with someone that you can't trust a 100% :-( but maybe thats okay. Maybe the truth is, you should never trust anyone that much anyway. Ugh, maybe tomorrow I will feel better. Maybe the winter is making me more sad than usual..
ReplyDeleteHugs
Hope you're doing better today, Xena! Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful post, I want to share a testimony on how Dr itua healing herbs cure me.
ReplyDeleteThe worst time has passed”However, it is true that there are more improvements than before...because of the rising numbers of people living with HIV in the state of Nevada. How could they stigmatize all of them? Therefore everything becomes a little easier and we start to share everything... We also started to invite and visit each other in a community. You know, it is six years since I started taking antiretroviral drugs...Yet whatever problems I face, the worst time has passed
When I was evicted from the family home by my mother, my father rented a small room for me. But my mother and brothers believed that having HIV was my own fault – and that I deserved to be punished...I also considered myself unworthy and without hope... But I have a child and eventually I convinced myself to live for my child’s sake.
My mother knew nothing [about HIV]. She didn’t understand anything. Do you know why? She didn’t have [the chance] to go out of the house and communicate with society. However, my father does interact with the community. I know his friends are mature and dignified in africa america. So he has a better understanding than her.
My father came call me on a sadfull day sitting on my couch about a friend of his from africa who introduce him to Dr Itua herbal cure in africa in which he advise we should purchase his herbal medicine to cure my hiv so we did and Dr Itua prescribed I should drink the herbal medicine for two weeks to cure although we were so curious about the whole thing ,I finished the herbal medicine like he advised then he talked to me to visit my nearest clinic for check up I did and now I'm totally cured from Hiv my father was my rock and I and my family are now happy together also Dr Itua has be helpful in my community ever since he cure my Hiv and my tinnitus so why I'm leaving my story on here today is to reach out someone out here to hope on God and never give up no matter the situation you that you are facing especially through this pandemic seasons which has really taught us all on how we should be helpful to each other and cherish one another.
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Intestinal cancer,Uterine cancer,Fibroid,Bladder cancer,Hiv,Esophageal cancer,Gallbladder cancer,Kidney cancer,Hpv,Lung cancer,Melanoma,Mesothelioma,Multiple myeloma,Oral cancer,Sinus cancer,Hepatitis A,B/C,Skin cancer,Soft tissue sarcoma,Spinal cancer,Stomach cancer,Vaginal cancer,Tinnitus,Vulvar cancer,
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