To Thailand with love

Dear Thailand

In two weeks my husband and I are paying you a lovely  visit. Its meant to indicate a fresh start in our marriage and has seemed appropriate since he started acting out when I last visited without him. I can't tell you how many times I have regretted that, but whats done is done and I have said my goodbyes to the fiance I knew when he dropped me off at the airport. The man waiting for me when I got back was a different story...

So here is the deal - I need help.

I thought that this would be a fresh start, but more and more I realise that there is no "start date" to rest of my life. I am still paralyseyd with fear in quite moments, when I wonder if his cheating. I still rage when an sms notification goes off on his phone and I don't instantly know who it is. The other day, riddled with bitterness I blogged about an old mistress of his, hoping that her family and friends would read it... I still long to know what his doing 24/7 and I don't think our trip to Thailand is going to change that.

So help me build good memories...memories that will outlast the pain of the years behind me. Give me photographs that I can look at without wondering who was he doing when it was taken...give me songs for the soundtrack of our lives that belong to just us and that I don't have to share with another woman's memory. I still grieve the fact that there are some artists that I can no longer listen to because while I dedicating those songs to him in my heart, he was thinking of someone else.

I know that you have dangers...only a fool would not realise the strong sex trade that happens within your borders. I remember smells from street carts and the ageless women eagerly offering me and my dad  "massages" at neon lit parlours.  Its unavoidable, but help us to be wise about areas that we shouldn't go into. Phuket is already off the list and some road called Soi Cowboy, that apparently are hotspots...when my family went, we managed to avoid this sort of thing, please help me to do it again.

Give us adventure and romance...enough for me to rebuild my dreams around. Enough for us to fall in love again....

See you soon
XXX