How much would you sacrifice for your child?

I hate being sick. When I am sick all the bad thoughts I normally keep at bay keeps flooding back. I notice Miss Abby Jacobs facebook is no longer active. I wonder if they found my posts...whether her husband contacted mine to verify what happened, like I did with her. I would hope that he would tell me - after all there is nothing wrong with verification. Anyways...down in the dolldrums I keep thinking about what my sister told me...

Two months ago, she looked at me and declared " You are different"... "You are harder and I have forgiven your husband for that, but I miss the way you used to be". You see I am the rainbows and happily ever after type. I believed the best about everyone...seriously, thats why I am a counsellor - because I believe in an individuals ability to reach beyond themselves and live their best life. In my world, everyone was a hero...everyone was a star. My husband being one of the greatest...

I didn't think that anyone really noticed that my eyes no longer soften, that my smile is not quite as forthcoming and that I no longer argue when someone insists that they have met an asshole. Instead I tilt my head and silently agree that they probably have.

I mourn the loss of my heart and joy. Its criminal what my husband has done...he has robbed me of me. I wonder if his sorry...I hope he is.

I thought again today about why I have stayed. Will it all be worth it in the end, if my son has a father who can teach him how to be a man even though its based on the experience that was the foundation of my heartbreak. The winter months are coming and its getting colder now - it leaves much to much time for introspection and mind wandering thoughts about how my life could be different if I just took my son and left.

If only I could know for sure whether he loved me. Whether he was faithful and true...but wishing for this, is like wishing for the moon. Maybe the day will come when I finally know for sure how my husband feels for me...but for now, perhaps its enough to know how much I love my son.