You see I found out that my husband had the this whole other life mid way during my 1st pregnancy. The porn, the women, the affairs...all of it. And although I thought I might be "uncomfortable" about it during my second pregnancy, I had no idea that it would invoke such terror. My mind is racing with all the things I want to tell him...things that include words like bastard and asshole.
In my panic, one of my most deep resentments that I have done my best to ignore has risen to the surface for air...I bitterly resent the fact that my husband put my sons life in jeopardy. My husband could have passed on an STD while I was pregnant, compromising my sons health. He could have been blinded, physically challenged or heaven forbid born with an STD.My sons quality of life was at stake, because my husband wanted to get laid.
I don't think I have ever come so close to feeling engulfed in rage as when I think about it. His betrayal of me was one thing, to do that to our child, makes me want to punch him in the freaking face.
I watch my son...now a toddler, for signs of some sort of emotional instability-I was a complete wreck for at least 50% of my pregnancy and I wouldn't be surprised if somehow I managed to transfer that to my lovely baby boy.I resent that he put my sons health at risk and I wonder whether I should tell him. Am I just dredging up old issues? Am I right to warn him off. In my mind, I play the scene - I look him squarely in the eye, while I tell him that he didn't give a second thought to our son and even though he is healthy and thriving, life could have been very different. I want to rage at him, that if he does it again- I will make him pay. I need him to understand that I see him as a threat to our growing childs life and I will make damn sure to protect it...even if it means that our marriage won't survive the pregnancy.
And as for me, I am starting to have flashbacks of crying until I couldn't cry anymore...vacillating between feeling like I was dying to not feeling anything at all. I am going out of my mind and all I know is that I don't want to go back there...but I also know that want a second child and preferably with the same man, so that they could have the same the dad.
Is it possible that this time could be different? Am I brave enough to share the experience with him, instead of shutting him out? I don't know...but GOD, please...Your grace saved me before, lead me once more, because if it where up to me, this is going to turn into some prayer mantis bullsh*t.Prayer Mantis eats male eeeuw!!
Yes. You are brave enough. I can only share what helps me in times of crisis. I turn the craziness over to God and I focus on who my husband is today rather than who he was before he began his recovery. It reminds me of how much progress we both have made. Many hugs to you my friend!!
ReplyDeleteHey X, hope maybe you get something good out of here :)
ReplyDeletehttp://rejoiceministries.org/restored.php
Such a beautiful post, I want to share a testimony on how Dr itua healing herbs cure me.
ReplyDeleteThe worst time has passed”However, it is true that there are more improvements than before...because of the rising numbers of people living with HIV in the state of Nevada. How could they stigmatize all of them? Therefore everything becomes a little easier and we start to share everything... We also started to invite and visit each other in a community. You know, it is six years since I started taking antiretroviral drugs...Yet whatever problems I face, the worst time has passed
When I was evicted from the family home by my mother, my father rented a small room for me. But my mother and brothers believed that having HIV was my own fault – and that I deserved to be punished...I also considered myself unworthy and without hope... But I have a child and eventually I convinced myself to live for my child’s sake.
My mother knew nothing [about HIV]. She didn’t understand anything. Do you know why? She didn’t have [the chance] to go out of the house and communicate with society. However, my father does interact with the community. I know his friends are mature and dignified in africa america. So he has a better understanding than her.
My father came call me on a sadfull day sitting on my couch about a friend of his from africa who introduce him to Dr Itua herbal cure in africa in which he advise we should purchase his herbal medicine to cure my hiv so we did and Dr Itua prescribed I should drink the herbal medicine for two weeks to cure although we were so curious about the whole thing ,I finished the herbal medicine like he advised then he talked to me to visit my nearest clinic for check up I did and now I'm totally cured from Hiv my father was my rock and I and my family are now happy together also Dr Itua has be helpful in my community ever since he cure my Hiv and my tinnitus so why I'm leaving my story on here today is to reach out someone out here to hope on God and never give up no matter the situation you that you are facing especially through this pandemic seasons which has really taught us all on how we should be helpful to each other and cherish one another.
Dr Itua cures the following diseases..... Herpes,Liver cancer,Throat cancerLeukemia. ,Alzheimer's disease,Chronic Diarrhea,Copd,Parkinson,Als,Adrenocortical carcinoma Infectious mononucleosis.
Intestinal cancer,Uterine cancer,Fibroid,Bladder cancer,Hiv,Esophageal cancer,Gallbladder cancer,Kidney cancer,Hpv,Lung cancer,Melanoma,Mesothelioma,Multiple myeloma,Oral cancer,Sinus cancer,Hepatitis A,B/C,Skin cancer,Soft tissue sarcoma,Spinal cancer,Stomach cancer,Vaginal cancer,Tinnitus,Vulvar cancer,
Testicular cancer ,Thyroid Cancer.
You can contact Dr Itua Herbal Center on E-Mail: drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com.