The knowing...

I made it...its xmas and I didn't kill my husband in his sleep or chop off his happy bits and play go fetch with it. Has it really  been 9 months...feels like it was yesterday. 

In my mind xmas has become the finishing line. If I can just reach it, it would be like this mess of a year is finally over and maybe I can move on to the next phase. So I am planning my holiday meals and decorations, dreaming of the family table - hoping that when the day comes I will exhale and all the tragedy will simply be something that happened in 2011. 

Looking back, its hard to be grateful when I have hurt so much and yet its an undeniable fact that I am in a much better position to take care of myself and my child then I was ever before. I know now the shadowy darkness that lurks and awaits us...the boogeyman masquerading as a friend...I know now...

The knowing has weighed heavily on me, but I believe that God will see me through. The other day my husband informs me that the local TV station will be introducing three new porn channels. It would have been easily accessible to my husband and I realised just how much more horrific things would have become and believe me when I say - that that's saying something. Did God know it was coming? He must have... He drew the line in the sand and said, "NO FURTHER". Our walls are up and our guns are loaded - my husband said that when he heard the news, some of that old curiosity crept back...now we're standing on the wall tops and pouring down flaming tar - if we hadn't known- Like thieves, porn would have slipped through the night, snuck into our beds and killed us in our sleep. But we know now...and we're ready.

I will clothe myself in the armour of God. I will wait and listen for His voice - I WILL FIGHT