To hot to last

My husband took me out on a really great date night. A movie and an awesome restaurant afterwards. It cost him a bomb and it should have been really great night.We watched Breaking Dawn and of course I cried.... I was fine until the wedding scene (BTW whats up with Jacob taking off his shirt in the first 10 seconds of the movie?). As I watched them get married and seeing Edward so absolutely besotted with Bella, I kept thinking - it must be nice, to be loved like that... 


I didn't plan on crying, it just kinda happened. I felt so pathetic. Tears sliding down my cheeks, while my husband held my hand in the dark theatre, teenage girls screaming every time Jacob came on. I felt so alone :-(


This seems to be a continuous struggle for me. I need to understand what does realistic love look like, because it kills me that my husband doesn't seem to love me with the intensity I want. Or does that intensity only belong to dysfunctional crazy relationships? I want to be swept away and held tight. I want to know that my husband would go crazy if he didn't have me - I want that forever, you are my soul mate, no one else will do, kinda love. But is that realistic? I didn't think so before, but maybe its because I made excuses for him...


I want to know without a doubt that my husband wants only me and yet I know that its human nature to always be wondering about others. I want him to love me with such intensity that he only wants to be around me, but I believe the official term for that is stalker. I  grew up reading Mills and Boon books and that's what I wanted - to be swept up and away, but now it seems significant that there was never a behind the scenes look at marriage. After he kissed her breathless, did he take out his cellphone and play games? After a passionate night, did he check his online dating profile in case anyone responded to his post. Is the kind of love I want, to hot to last? I always loved the way men, looked at women on their covers. Such focus and passion. In that kiss only she exists for him...

Mills and Boon taught me that love looks a certain way and now that I have grown up, I feel cheated. I thought my marriage would be one continuous M&B story. I thought I was getting Edward Cullin, instead I got the cheating philandering asshole on the Wedding Singer.


Am I being foolish for wanting Ralph Fiennes from the English Patient? I would even be happy with Ewan Mcgregor from Moulin Rouge. I just want to be truly wonderfully wanted by husband again Mills and Boon style, is that to much to ask for?