My mom and porn

A while back, my husband mentioned to me that his dad had asked if he has any porn to lend him. I was sooo disgusted. How can a parent ask a child if they have porn? What's wrong with the man?

I was so blind to my own behaviour that I only just realised, that that's exactly what I have been doing with my mom. We have been swapping Mills and Boon and thick "romantic" books for years. I gave my grandmother over 400 books at the beginning of this year before my marriage fell apart. I didn't want her to get bored...

 In the most bluntest terms, I have been feeding my families lust. Now I used to argue that it wasn't about the sex, it was all about the love story, but that's a load of shit. It was all about the sex and even though I did sometimes feel a prick of embarrassment when I gave my mom some of my more x-rated stuff, it never lasted very long.What was wrong with me?

My mother taught me many things. She once told me, not to act "sexy" when taking public transport because you simply don't know what kind of men are out there. She taught me "never to throw pearls before swine" meaning, that you shouldn't share important personal things with just anybody. She has shown me, that if anybody messes with me - she will be the first in line to kick their asses...and she taught me that Mills and Boon books are acceptable by swopping them with me. A far cry from the woman who once threw away my books. What changed for her? Did time and being bored in her own marriage finally wear her down?

I don't blame my mom for the choices I have made. I am just saying that I wish things could have been different. I wish that she could have blazed a path for me, but she allowed unhealthy lust to seem okay. I wish that she could have told me, that reading these kinds of books would take my eyes off my husband and focus them instead on strange men. I wish she could have told me that my sex life would go down the toilet, because no human man can match the cocaine like high from reading porn and I would just be bringing trouble into my own marriage. If I had kept on this path, I am sure I would have cheated on my husband. In our most honest conversations we have both admitted to thinking about other people during sex - it was only a matter of time before it became a reality. 

I will ensure that my children learn from my mistakes. Maybe they won't listen to "crazy" mom, but the cost of this experience is so high that it would be foolish not to share it. 

I wish I could share this with my mom too, but she isn't ready for this level of honesty and introspection. Right now she seems happy to function in her dysfunction and until someone is ready to let that go, everything falls on deaf ears. I am sad that I have allowed lust to rob me of so much. I am sadder still that my mom has been tangled alongside me in this web of lust. My prayer is for her to see the light and for her marriage to be healed. I trust that God will use what has happened and will beam a light into the darkness.


And mom, I will be here whenever you're ready. I love you...