When freedom calls...

One good thing (at least I think its good), that has come out of this ball of crap was that I have rediscovered my independence. I foolishly and so willingly gave it up when I got married. It wasn't a conscious choice...I just found that I slowly and quite happily started thinking in terms of "us" and "we". Dreams that didn't include my husband was shelved to gather dust. Hopes that my husband wasn't excited about, were tucked away into the section called "its not that important"...well, the chickens have come home to roost and I am dusting off my dreams and displaying my hopes, under the banner "Hahaha, I'm back sucker"

Its a funny thing that happens when you face the serious possibility of divorce- suddenly your hearts yearning that was dampened down by marital commitment shows its itself in a ray of hope.Your heart beats faster, you're excited about the possibility even though it comes at such a great cost. Its something to look forward to, in mire of your relationship. In the quiet moments when you wonder what the future holds, you allow your dreams to run riot as suddenly possibilities seem endless. In that moment, the truth of what you compromised starkly comes to life...my husband dreamed about furthering his experiences with women, and I dreamed travelling.

                     

I dreamed of lands I had never seen - a couple of years ago I was fortunate enough to tour Asia with my parents. It was FANTASTIC. Seeing different cultures and different ways of living was mind blowing. Strolling through Hong Kong at night, watching soon to be brides twirl in wedding gowns in store windows - visiting temples and smelling roasting cashew nuts in Singapore...just thinking about it now brings a calmness to my spirit. Philippines and Kuala Lumper, where I surprising look like the locals LOL The smells and sights were wonders to behold. I could spend my life travelling and I gave it up because he didn't want to. I want to go to India and Morocco. Spain and Sicily...instead my enthusiasm was met with frowns and explanations of why it would be bad idea to go. We didn't even have a child then. There was nothing holding us back-  but somehow it was to much of an issue. What he wanted was more important....

So I thought fine, maybe his just a bit of a homebody. Not everybody wants to travel. Maybe we can do local things...try different markets, restaurants  - go for drives and explore our own country...but no, that wasn't okay either. There was always something better to do, even if that something was nothing. He sat there glued to his laptop day after day.... what I wanted wasn't important.

                                                       I was always the last on his list                                            

But now things are different and I have changed. No longer, will I let my life pass me by. Before my grandmother passed away, she said that the one thing she regretted was sitting and watching while life passed her by. Thats not going to happen to me. There has been a shift of power in our relationship and I am using it to build the future I want. I want to travel and I want a better life - I am tired of being ok with living from month to month. Its amazing the change in him and makes me sad that its happened this way. All I did was mention once, post D Day that I want to go to Spain - the next time we chatted he had researched affordable ways to get there and tour. He had checked out other local travelling destinations as well, just in case I wanted to holiday soon. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, suddenly money wasn't a massive insurmountable problem anymore. Where was this man, when I day dreamed of saffron and far away markets? Was he really that selfish once...

Now his pointing out new restaurants we absolutely have to try. I mention that we should join a hiking group to get more exercise and his excited. Everything is yes, sure, why not...and I really appreciate the effort his making. I could live with this man. The question is, whether this is a temporary façade or genuine change? Do I need to waste another 8 years of my life, trying to find that out? Either way, I have decided that I am not going back to the way it was. My dreams and hopes are important, and I won't so foolishly stow it away ever again.