Before I discovered my husbands numerous infidelities, I was a happily married woman. I was content with my lot in life. I let go of the fact that my husband never spoke to me about his feelings, but I rationalised that it was just a guy thing. I ignored the fact that over the years, intimacy dwindled to the extent where we felt like two friends instead of two people in love.So what if we were more lukewarm, than hot - maybe this is what family life looks like.
I had asked God to help us be good parents and then watched as he answered my prayer, by stripping bear our sham of a marriage. My husband and I now stand at ground zero trying to rebuild, but all that we have these days are glimpses of happiness. These glimpses for me are often followed by a far longer lasting hammering of memories and pain. I refuse to ignore it, but I work hard at not being gratuitous about it. I have accepted the fact, that there is no way around it - if I want to heal, I need to go through it. Its hard though. We both wish "it" would just go away.
We both wish I could forget "it" and move on...
we both wish we could be happy, but the truth is we're not. 85% of the time I am completely miserable. I don't know how he feels, because he still doesn't tell me unless I ask him. I have asked God to restore my heart to my husband, because this thing is so far beyond me, that its crushed me. If my marriage survives, it will only be because God has healed it...or maybe that's the point?
Is my marriage meant to be a testimony to Gods grace? I know its selfish, but if it is...why me? Couldn't He have found some other way? Is my purpose in this life, to be Gods hand in severing the clear generational curse of lust and broken families that run in his bloodline and perhaps mine (just found out the other day that my grandmother was an affair when she was a young married woman)...its to much for me to bear. I can't carry this load and yet...and yet if I stay and if God is faithful to His word - then my son will be free, my husband will know and feel Gods grace, forgiveness and joy. Is this my calling? Is this my ministry?
what
about
me?
I am afraid, that if I stay I will just be wasting more time. I am scared that I am misreading Gods will and this just my desperate need to make it all, make sense. I am terrified that the man who betrayed me as he kissed me - will take what little is left of my precious heart and give it away to some prostitute or a cheap one night stand.
God I ask for the strength and the resolve to see this through. If this is Your will, show me what you want me to do. This load is to heavy to carry and so I hand it and my heart over to You...
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