Monthly suspicion...

I have noticed when its that time of the month, I regularly think his cheating...

Like today, his happy. Too happy for my liking...and I can't help but think that his met someone at the office (again) and his doing his best to have an affair (again) and his lying peice of shit that I can only trust  as far as I can spit (again).

The thing is that this feeling, seems to become gospel. Like I am convinced that this is what his doing, but I don't know if its just the hormones ramping up my distrust of him or if my intuition is telling me something.

I am this close to accusing him of cheating - but I don't want to get into some warped way of being, where I am constantly  accusing him of stuff.

What has happened though, is that I have decided that I want to study and sent out some queries. So if he is cheating, if he can just keep his d*ck clean for like two years, not transmit anything to me and help me with my little one, I can complete my Masters and single handedly provide a good life my son and after that my husband can do and go wherever the heck he wants...and maybe by then I would view my marriage differently.

Its been 1 year and 4 months since D Day and I knew it was going to be tough, but I thought that it would be easier. They say its take about 4 years to heal...I wonder if thats true. At least I am not constantly crying anymore and can make it through the week generally unscathed. We seem to be more intune with each other...but around this time of month I always wonder if its a farce.

I wonder sometimes if he cares about how his hurt me...but then maybe this time next week when the monthly monster is gone I'll feel a lot better...