When truth plays hide and seek

Truth...what is the truth? Is it the truth that he loved me, but not enough to be faithful? Is it the truth that he loved himself more than he loved me and thats why he found it so easy to betray me...or maybe the truth is more heartbreakingly simple. Maybe he just didn't care...

The hardest part about trying to heal, is coming to grips with that the fact that two truths seemingly in conflict, can both exist - valid in its own right and yet discordant when placed next to each other.  Its true he betrayed me...its also true that he loves me. Its true that he cooks, cleans and pays the bills...its true that he never looked after my heart half as well. He loves me...he loves me not...he needs me...maybe not.

In my head I understand what went wrong - I understand how addiction wrapped itself around his heart like a boa constrictor until it finally squeezed the life out of him. I understand it all and yet I don't understand any of it - the questions of why keeps coming up. Its as if my heart refuses to understand, no matter how much I tell it to let it go...come on dear heart,  you read that article of porn addiction over and over again, it makes sense, so let it go....come on dear heart, his already said his sorry a million times, don't you believe him? Come on dear heart, I know you're hurting, but try one more time...just for me.Try to believe...

His porn addiction has robbed me of so much. It has stripped me of my joy and gave away my hard won peace, for not a nickel or dime. He allowed his fantasies to blur into reality and turned my world into a place of doubt, self loathing and insecurity. He took what was good about me and made a mockery of my beliefs...my belief in him...and my belief in myself. Maybe the truth is, I shouldn't have given him that much power...but how do you love someone and hold a part of you back? I don't know how to be self-protective and its killing me.  How do I become stronger, without becoming bitter.

Maybe the truth is, that some truths you don't need to know. If he had had one or two indiscretions and stopped it there - I didn't need to know and I would have been happy - happy but foolish for loving a man, who doesn't love me the same way, I loved him.

The truth is smoke and mirrors and I am tired from trying to understand. I am worn out by reality and heartbreak. I long for the eternal sunshine of spotless mind...

I live by simple truths these days. I love my son and he loves me. God is good all the time. I am on my own... and thats the truth.