To hot to last

My husband took me out on a really great date night. A movie and an awesome restaurant afterwards. It cost him a bomb and it should have been really great night.We watched Breaking Dawn and of course I cried.... I was fine until the wedding scene (BTW whats up with Jacob taking off his shirt in the first 10 seconds of the movie?). As I watched them get married and seeing Edward so absolutely besotted with Bella, I kept thinking - it must be nice, to be loved like that... 


I didn't plan on crying, it just kinda happened. I felt so pathetic. Tears sliding down my cheeks, while my husband held my hand in the dark theatre, teenage girls screaming every time Jacob came on. I felt so alone :-(


This seems to be a continuous struggle for me. I need to understand what does realistic love look like, because it kills me that my husband doesn't seem to love me with the intensity I want. Or does that intensity only belong to dysfunctional crazy relationships? I want to be swept away and held tight. I want to know that my husband would go crazy if he didn't have me - I want that forever, you are my soul mate, no one else will do, kinda love. But is that realistic? I didn't think so before, but maybe its because I made excuses for him...


I want to know without a doubt that my husband wants only me and yet I know that its human nature to always be wondering about others. I want him to love me with such intensity that he only wants to be around me, but I believe the official term for that is stalker. I  grew up reading Mills and Boon books and that's what I wanted - to be swept up and away, but now it seems significant that there was never a behind the scenes look at marriage. After he kissed her breathless, did he take out his cellphone and play games? After a passionate night, did he check his online dating profile in case anyone responded to his post. Is the kind of love I want, to hot to last? I always loved the way men, looked at women on their covers. Such focus and passion. In that kiss only she exists for him...

Mills and Boon taught me that love looks a certain way and now that I have grown up, I feel cheated. I thought my marriage would be one continuous M&B story. I thought I was getting Edward Cullin, instead I got the cheating philandering asshole on the Wedding Singer.


Am I being foolish for wanting Ralph Fiennes from the English Patient? I would even be happy with Ewan Mcgregor from Moulin Rouge. I just want to be truly wonderfully wanted by husband again Mills and Boon style, is that to much to ask for?

My Redeemer lives

After writing the  post demons and divorce, the fact that I said I was a terrible Christian began weighing on me heavily. I am not a terrible Christian, just the average guilty one. Guilty of not praying enough when I should, for even questioning my faith, even if it is for a split second. But my Redeemer lives and He knows my heart. His grace and mercy abounds and I am covered by His blood. It never ceases to amaze me, that even when my faith seems to waiver, His faith in me has never changed.

Thank you God for loving me.

Demons and Divorce

I am a terrible Christian. My basic tendency is toward a tangible and scientific approach to life. Like many Christians out there, I have merged what  I have deemed common sense and my faith. For example, I believe in evolution - I also believe that God designed us and the world that way...but every now and then a little voice in my head whispers in my ear "Are you sure, God is real" - "What if Jesus wasn't the son of God, instead just a kid that had to be explained away by an unmarried woman". I feel intense guilt and resolve not to waver in my faith again...but it still happens every now and then. When I can't chase away these thoughts, I become my own witness. I testify to myself about Gods mercy and what He has done for me and believe me, He has done plenty. How can I question, when I have experienced his presence, seen Him move mountains on my behalf and literally have seen Him carry me through the valley death... and its happening again. Lately I haven't been praying as much as I should and in the oddest moments the voice calls to me..."Are you sure...?"


Well yes
                                                                          I AM SURE


let me tell you about what God has done for my marriage. He has led me every step of the way. Its because of Him that I have discovered what my husband is and in turn myself. I can't begin to tell you the divine intervention that took place. God planted questions and "feelings" that I went with, that I didn't understand - but once I obeyed them, my once "private" husband opened up like you wouldn't believe.  After the God inspired "lie detector" test idea, my husband told me things he never would have said - the result of which was me chucking my husband out of the house. At that moment, if someone had put divorce papers in front of me, I would have signed them.


Anyways, so after he left and I had time to think, I called a meeting to see what he wanted to do with our marriage. It was a heavy conversation spiritually. God opened up my eyes and I saw...things. My husbands countenance had changed...his eyes were shifty and he couldn't look me in the eyes. I am not talking nervousness, this was darker. At first I didn't recognise it for what it was, but slowly as our argument got heated it showed its face more and more. It was this spiritual awareness, that kept me from telling  him go to hell, I want  a divorce. My husband refused to fight for our marriage beyond the token protest in the beginning. His lack of passion to save us, didn't ring true for some reason ( I know its crazy, since his been cheating on me, but something was "off".) The conversation circled a couple of times, until we came to an impasse. He wasn't making enough of an effort to fight for me and then out of nowhere I asked him, "What do you want to do, once we get divorced?" And then he spoke to me about how he was "curious" about other women. I asked him whether this was porn curiosity or you want to be in another relationship curiosity. He looked at me in surprise and said, its a porn curiosity. He didn't realise it before...but its just about sex,not about us. And that moment was the birth of us trying again. I recognised that my husband had no idea what was going on his own heart and mind.  Porn had him wrapped up so tight, he couldn't see beyond the nudy pictures. I remember the moment I shifted to warrior mode instead of hurt wife. Its happened a couple of times over the last couple of months. Its like the pain shuts off and suddenly I am operating on a strength and clarity for greater than my own. Once he told me that his curiosity was porn related, I shape shifted. I was going to fight my husband for my husband.


The shifty eyed bastard was more prominent now, as the truth was slowly emerging. My husband began to sway ever so slightly and began looking like a trapped animal. I tapped into what God has always told me -"I will be with you always"  I refused to be intimidated and I went for the kill.  I looked my husband and knew, that he would need to come and get me. To active "show me" his choice. God had brought us to this place, where his confusion was laid bare and insight was brought to the table. We had gone as far as we could, now it was my husbands turn. I sat in silence and waited...he looked me and said. "Its not from God is it? This curiosity..." I said "No" and waited some more. I watched as my husband waged an internal battle and started to cry. My heart went out to him, but I sat glued to my seat. The devil was playing games, trying out different approaches to get a reaction out of me. He has tried the nonchalance passive approach, designed to hurt me and anger me into a divorce, he tried the insincere crying apology to stop any more questions because I would feel so sorry for him. He tried out irritation, to make me impatient - but God kept me stable and I saw through it all. It was like all these arrows were continually being fired at my heart, but Gods armour kept me so safe, I didn't feel a thing. After about 2.5 hours - I watched as I saw the first sincere tear roll from his eyes. In the silence my husband has fought his demon and reached for me and ultimately God. He pleaded with me to stay, he said he would become the man the I needed him to be...and I believed him for the first time, since our meeting began. After he did that, his countenance changed again. Eyes red with crying, he no longer looked shifty...he was calm and I felt he was spiritually present with me.


This conversation, more than any other shifted the direction of our marriage. I literally saw his demons weigh on him and I watched him fight it. If he had been a coward or loved me less, I would be divorced today. Instead, God put a fire in my belly and I fought hard. God took him by the hand, and showed him what was truly going on in his heart. We met each other at the half way line. I take no responsibility for this intervention. I was simply a conduit for His word.


I know God was there, I felt Him and saw His wisdom in every action.  Praise be to God for all He has done.

When freedom calls...

One good thing (at least I think its good), that has come out of this ball of crap was that I have rediscovered my independence. I foolishly and so willingly gave it up when I got married. It wasn't a conscious choice...I just found that I slowly and quite happily started thinking in terms of "us" and "we". Dreams that didn't include my husband was shelved to gather dust. Hopes that my husband wasn't excited about, were tucked away into the section called "its not that important"...well, the chickens have come home to roost and I am dusting off my dreams and displaying my hopes, under the banner "Hahaha, I'm back sucker"

Its a funny thing that happens when you face the serious possibility of divorce- suddenly your hearts yearning that was dampened down by marital commitment shows its itself in a ray of hope.Your heart beats faster, you're excited about the possibility even though it comes at such a great cost. Its something to look forward to, in mire of your relationship. In the quiet moments when you wonder what the future holds, you allow your dreams to run riot as suddenly possibilities seem endless. In that moment, the truth of what you compromised starkly comes to life...my husband dreamed about furthering his experiences with women, and I dreamed travelling.

                     

I dreamed of lands I had never seen - a couple of years ago I was fortunate enough to tour Asia with my parents. It was FANTASTIC. Seeing different cultures and different ways of living was mind blowing. Strolling through Hong Kong at night, watching soon to be brides twirl in wedding gowns in store windows - visiting temples and smelling roasting cashew nuts in Singapore...just thinking about it now brings a calmness to my spirit. Philippines and Kuala Lumper, where I surprising look like the locals LOL The smells and sights were wonders to behold. I could spend my life travelling and I gave it up because he didn't want to. I want to go to India and Morocco. Spain and Sicily...instead my enthusiasm was met with frowns and explanations of why it would be bad idea to go. We didn't even have a child then. There was nothing holding us back-  but somehow it was to much of an issue. What he wanted was more important....

So I thought fine, maybe his just a bit of a homebody. Not everybody wants to travel. Maybe we can do local things...try different markets, restaurants  - go for drives and explore our own country...but no, that wasn't okay either. There was always something better to do, even if that something was nothing. He sat there glued to his laptop day after day.... what I wanted wasn't important.

                                                       I was always the last on his list                                            

But now things are different and I have changed. No longer, will I let my life pass me by. Before my grandmother passed away, she said that the one thing she regretted was sitting and watching while life passed her by. Thats not going to happen to me. There has been a shift of power in our relationship and I am using it to build the future I want. I want to travel and I want a better life - I am tired of being ok with living from month to month. Its amazing the change in him and makes me sad that its happened this way. All I did was mention once, post D Day that I want to go to Spain - the next time we chatted he had researched affordable ways to get there and tour. He had checked out other local travelling destinations as well, just in case I wanted to holiday soon. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, suddenly money wasn't a massive insurmountable problem anymore. Where was this man, when I day dreamed of saffron and far away markets? Was he really that selfish once...

Now his pointing out new restaurants we absolutely have to try. I mention that we should join a hiking group to get more exercise and his excited. Everything is yes, sure, why not...and I really appreciate the effort his making. I could live with this man. The question is, whether this is a temporary façade or genuine change? Do I need to waste another 8 years of my life, trying to find that out? Either way, I have decided that I am not going back to the way it was. My dreams and hopes are important, and I won't so foolishly stow it away ever again.

Sex after infidelity

Sex after infidelity...this must be the most confusing thing after discovering your partner is a unfaithful shmuck.


I have done so many searches on "when to have sex, after you find out your partner is a porn addict" or "when do you know the time is right to have sex after discovering an affair?' and there are no answers. But what I do know, is that sex after discovering infidelity is an insane roller-coaster ride.


There seems to be a couple of phases involved.
                                        

PHASE ONE: DON'T TOUCH ME!!

After finding out that his arms had been around someone else. That his lips has touched another, it was excruciating to have him even hold my hand. When he tried to kiss me, all I could think of was whether he had kissed her like this. If he had held her tightly...if he looked into her eyes as he caressed her face. I couldn't bear it. It all felt...wrong. I cringed at his touch - all it did was remind me of what he did with other women. It broke me, to know he had shared something so special to me - with any woman who he could get into bed with. His touches, his smile and kisses were no longer mine. Instead they belonged to the world...to strangers that he didn't even love.

PHASE TWO: HYSTERICAL BONDING

Hands down the best sex we have had in a looong time. I don't why my feelings shifted, but suddenly I was up for anything and everything. It was intense. The kind of sex you see in movies and wish  you that your husband was that connected with you. During this period we had more sex, than we had in the last couple of months combined. Twice a day is a mile away from once every month or so. And it was always face to face. Somehow, any other position just seemed to disconnect us. Apparently dysfunctional sex=hot sex. Afterwards I always felt as if I let myself down. How could I do this with a man, who a couple of days before was trying to get into someone else's pants. Did I have no self respect? After the adrenaline faded, this turned into....

PHASE THREE: CRYING SEX

You know you are messed up when you cry during sex. And not a "this is wonderful and I am so happy cry" - I am talking about tears rolling down your cheeks as your throat closes with heartbreak kind of cry. The kind of cry, when pain seems to vibrate through your entire being and no words could possibly express how you feel. Questions and wondering whether he tried this position with her - was she better then me? Did he learn how to move that way with her? How could he have shared this with someone else? Wasn't I good enough? Does he compare her to me? I once asked him, if he prefers doing it from the back, because then he didn't have to see my face and could imagine someone else. He said no...but I didn't believe him. 

The other day I cried again. I wasn't expecting it. I suddenly felt warmth creep out of the corners of my eyes and splash on my ears. He stopped and asked if I was okay. I answered him with a kiss, trying to convey that I love him, but I am sad. That its okay...it will be okay. I kissed him with all the passion I had, but in all honesty there were moments when it almost felt like I was saying goodbye. I don't know where it came from - maybe its because I am tired of being tired of the all that has happened. Maybe my unconscious self knows something I am yet to discover in my awake state. He hasn't tried again since then, and I don't blame him. Who wants to have sex with someone who might cry half way through it? 

PHASE FOUR: LETS TRY AGAIN

When I am not crying or fuelled with an serious urge to copulate, it feels like we're committing to each other all over again. We have promised that we will only share sexual activities with each other, as we both suffer from porn addiction. So no self-gratification, no looking at sexual material or fantasising unless its about your partner. This has dramatically improved our love life. Because there is no other outlet, we turn to  each other and it has helped to bond us emotionally and physically all over again. 

These phases don't seem to be static. I go back and forth between them and right now I feel like I am back to crying again. With the possibility of divorce seriously weighing on my mind, it tinges everything with bitter sweetness. His trying so hard, but it may not be enough...in the meantime I have given myself permission to feel the way I do. Sometimes I feel bad, because one day I am totally up for it and the next week I am hesitant to even kiss him. I don't mean to send conflicting messages, this is just how I feel and I am trying to be okay with that. This is just part of the price that we have to pay I guess...

Letters to a shmuck

Hey,

21/06/2011

Thank you for this – your emails are eloquent and great and I feel like I am getting to know you more this way.  This is quite a difficult email for me to write, but we can’t move on unless I do.

I am so glad that you want things to be different for XXX and I think your commitment to being a great father is amazing. I believe you can do it, with all my heart. As your relationship grows with your dad and with your heavenly father – you will become the most fabulous dad any child could have.

Last night, you said that I never tell you that I believe that you will be an amazing husband and I thought about it and you’re right and wondered why it’s so hard for me to say it. And here is why:

For 8 years I believed in you completely and totally. My faith and trust in you was without limit – to the extent that you took the place of God in my heart and thought that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I too wish that you had made different choices. I wish that you had chosen me above everyone else…but you didn’t and I now feel foolish and stupid for ever believing that you loved me. I feel hurt and betrayed to think how you lied to me over and over again, while I continued to love you more deeply each day.  I feel ashamed, that I was so blinded by my heart that I couldn’t see what my mind surely must have been recognising – why else would I have been constantly asking you why you love me, touching you all the time –maybe trying to make up for a love that simply wasn’t there. Maybe I thought that if I loved you enough, maybe you would love me more…

I do believe you could be an amazing husband, I am just struggling to believe that you could be an amazing husband to me.  You actively seeked out opportunities to be anything but faithful, committed and loving. When you should have protected us…me, you turned around and along with strangers violated my heart, our bed and our home and you enjoyed doing it. You kissed me, as you hurt me – you said you loved me, as you betrayed me – you looked into my eyes, and told me that I am the only one you wanted and made me feel silly for ever second guessing you. I looked into your eyes and believed every word you said…

And in the end, it broke my heart to know, that you cared so little about me that you would have continued to betray me, if I hadn’t found out. Its only by Gods’ grace, that I found out, when I did. Not because you loved me enough to tell me…

And so here I am…and I still love you and I probably will do so until my dying day, but I really just don’t know if it’s enough. To use your example of the love bank – our piggy bank is not just low on funds. Our relationship currently is facing foreclosure. There is simply no money left. You have failed to meet your obligations consistently and due to your bad credit history, you can no longer be viewed as a viable candidate for even a loan.

So what do we do now? I don’t know…and I hope you are right, when you say God will show us the way forward from here instead of us trying to guess…

What I would like though in the meantime, is for you to stop saying you love me until you know what your love looks like… for the last four years your love said:

·         I will live in the same space with you– but I will always be looking for someone else to share my body with, because you are not enough for me

·         I will do all the husband duties so that you can’t say I don’t look after you – but the moment I feel bored, I will take my attentions elsewhere

·         I will love you, but not enough to care about your feelings – only enough to care about how you affect me

·         I will do whatever I want, until you catch me out

·         I will be committed to you, but for only as long as it suits me

·         I will be faithful to you, but only when no-one else wants me

·         I will say I love you, because that seems to make you happy and words are easy. Don’t expect me to mean it…

·         I will pretend to be perfect for you – as long you don’t expect me to sacrifice anything for you

I find that what your love currently looks like, is not good enough for me. I deserve more than this. It hurts me to hear you say you love me, when I know this is what it means. So take some time out (as much time as you need) and when you think you are ready and prepared to make me a good offer that you can live up to, we can start from there.

------------------------

You just called and I am happy that you are being proactive about getting the polygraph. I really do hope it goes well…

L.

Just do it - cheat already

His wearing a shirt today...


In the middle of this week, when he was super busy and meeting people he wore a dirty t-shirt to work because he see why wearing a clean shirt was better and today is traditionally a very slow day, where he literally just sits in his office and plays games...and today his wearing a nice shirt. I wonder who his trying to impress.


I watch him with his laptop, to see if he quickly clicks out of things whenever I am close...


At night, I sometimes watch him while his sleeping to see if he will give anything away. I wonder if his cheating on me again and it makes me sad that this is what my marriage has come to.


They say it takes 3-4 years to truly get over betrayal, but I don't know if I can hang on for that long. The waiting to see if I can catch him out again, the misery when I realise I will never really know for sure. I am so tired of not knowing, not trusting...I miss the warmth of security.

I have constant dreams, where I catch him cheating again. Mostly his having dinner with a female co-worker after he told me he needs to work late.In my dreams I feel sad, but also surprisingly a strong sense of relief. I guess its because if he cheats, the waiting will be over. I can move on with my life and leave him behind knowing that I did the best I could for our son. There will be no more waiting to see if he lets me down again. There will be no more second guessing when he looks nice for work.I won't have the compulsive need to check where his phone is every time he goes to the bathroom in case his texting someone else. It will just be me and I think I could be really am happy with that.


I have deliberately chosen not to remind him that we have agreed that he will be taking a lie detector test. He will assume that I am beginning to trust him again. I have decided to give him enough rope to hang himself. So I will try to not use his laptop any more and I will stop asking him how his "temptations" are going. We are supposed to have relationship Thursdays where we talk about our relationship - but I won't bring it up any more. The sooner he cheats on me, the sooner I can get on with my life instead of wasting more time on someone who loves me, but apparently doesn't love me enough to stop sleeping around.


If I had money I would pay a woman to strike a relationship with him and tempt him. I really would and if she cracks him within a month- there would even be a bonus...mmmmm I need a hug :-(